ninjasquirrel05

Today, my parents tried to convince me to get a divorce. My wife and I are perfectly fine. FML

Today, I came home with a friend to find my mom scratching my dad's butt with a fork. FML

Unfit

Today, I applied to a new gym. Now I have a hernia. FML

Today, it's my anniversary. I've been a single cat-lady for exactly one year. FML

Today, I came across a picture of my grandpa taking a hit off a bong, while wearing nothing but a Playboy shirt. FML

Today, I tried a self-tanner in an attempt to rid myself of my ghost-white legs. I got my wish, but instead of a warm golden tan, I have red, swollen, lobster-like marks sticking out from the bottom half of my torso. FML

Drama!

Today, my distraught mom called me, saying my dad had killed himself and to come home right away. After cussing out my math teacher for trying to stop me and rushing back home in a taxi, I ran into the living room, only to find my parents laughing so hard they were practically in tears. FML

Today, I bought a key finder that responds to loud, high-pitched, annoying tones. It beeps every time I talk. FML

Cue Rockwell

Today, I received a string of blank texts from an unknown number. When I asked who it was, I got a list of every place I've been over the last three days. I'm scared to leave the house. FML

Today, my dad decided that he wanted to start a collection of sporks. They're filling up our car. FML

Today, my boyfriend and I had sex for the first time. Afterwards, he said he was in love with me and that he wants to be with me forever. It was also at this time I realised that I can't stand him. FML

Look Rufus…

Today, my teacher started talking about me quietly to the stuffed cat, called Rufus, that she keeps on her desk. FML

Today, my boyfriend changed his relationship status on Facebook to "Single" and his status to "I'm not kidding, leave your key on the counter." FML

Today, I found out that when my mom says she's going to kick me in the head to wake me up for an important interview, she actually means it. FML

Today, I met my fiancé's parents for the first time. The only problem was that I was highly intoxicated. FML

Booktok

Today, I was sexing it up with my boyfriend. Halfway through, he looked at me and said, "Y'know what you never see in a porno? Intellectual conversation. Read any good books lately?" He wouldn't keep going until I answered. FML

Kenny Loggins is penning a song

Today, my manager came into the dog grooming salon I work at, lecturing about the importance of staying out of a dog's "bite zone". Right then, the dog I was working on bit me. FML

Today, I fell asleep in class. I'm the teacher; I've already given students detention for falling asleep in class this year. FML

Today, while trying to prove a point to my mom, I learned that bird seed tastes better than her cooking. FML

Today, I guess I accidentally left Facebook open on my work computer while I went to the bathroom, because my boss updated my status to "Unemployed." FML

Today, I received a letter from the state saying my 14-year-old daughter is now legally recognized as a male. I have no idea what happened. FML

Today, while driving to my girlfriend's house, I passed up a stop sign without stopping. A car passing by honked. I honked back several times and flipped them the finger. Turns out it was my girlfriend's dad trying to say hi. FML

Today, I have to go on a diet, because I can't afford to buy bigger clothes. FML

Today, I told a co-worker to "lighten up, and stop wearing black all the time, it makes you look depressed." I didn't know his father had died the week before. FML

Today, at work at a store, I was sitting on the floor stocking a bottom shelf. A woman in a motorized cart did not see me, and ran over my hand. When I alerted her about what she had done she laughed. FML

Just a prank, son!

Today, while very sick, throwing up in a bucket beside my bed, my dad came in pushed my face into the bucket. For a laugh, apparently. FML

Imagery

Today, I had to explain to my boyfriend why having sex with him was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty Pringles can. FML

Alexa, play "Medication" by Spiritualized

Today, I had gum surgery. I can't laugh. I can't smile. I can't talk. I can't eat. All I can do is wait for the pain medication to kick in. FML

Today, I had to cancel my wedding. On top of being upset about the break up, I was informed I owed a $900 cancellation fee for not using the venue. Single and broke. FML

Today, I spent five dollars on a virtual cat. FML