Ventura, United Stated In a relationship
Today, my boyfriend of 2 months got upset and frustrated with me because he had yet to meet my mom. I'd told him on our first date that she passed away 4 years ago. FML
Today, my brother got one of those water-vapour cigarettes. I was playing around with it, and my neighbour saw me through the window. She came over to yell at my parents about my "addiction" to marijuana. When my parents told her to get lost, she called the cops and tried to get me arrested. FML
Today, I was eating lunch when my grandmother came over and started watching me. Suddenly she said, "I see you're getting breasts". I'm a guy. FML
Today, a customer broke my nose for refusing to give him a discount because the product he was buying had a fine layer of dust on the box. FML
Today, while bagging my groceries at a store, a lady came over to me, took a good look at the food I'd bought, picked out an item and put it in her bag. When I confronted her, she called security on me and told them I wanted to steal her stuff. I got thrown out and she walked away with a smirk. FML
Today, while having sex with my husband, he accidentally elbowed me in the face. I don't know which is worse: that he didn't stop to see if I was OK, or that it seemed to turn him on and he climaxed immediately after he'd hit me. FML
Today, I left hospital after a three-night stay. Whilst waiting for my taxi to arrive, my mother called me in hysterics wanting to know where I was, because the police had called her and told her I had gone missing. Turns out my doctor "forgot" to tell anyone that I was discharged. FML
Today, I discovered the source of the vile stench in my room. My daughter had "saved" a bird from our cat and put it in a box under my bed, hoping to nurse it back to health. She forgot about it, leaving the corpse rotting in there for who knows how long. FML
Today, it marks the fourth month since my 15-year-old cousin asked me out, then started practically stalking me when I said no. It's also the fourth month of my parents and his constantly telling me to stop overreacting and that it's "just a phase." FML
Today, I found out that my creepy neighbor paid a guy to install a camera in my bathroom. It's been there for three months. The guy he paid? My brother. FML
Today, my wife made me moist cat food burgers as a prank. I didn't have the heart to tell her that they tasted better than the ones she usually makes. FML
Today, whilst waiting tables at work, I served a young couple the milkshakes they had ordered. The woman at the next table verbally abused me for "teasing" her screaming sons with "unhealthy foods". FML
Today, I was bored so I began to try to convince my boyfriend that Albert Einstein was actually African-American, and that he painted himself white so he would be accepted as a scientist. Due to his competitive nature, he replied, "I already knew that babe." FML
Today, a wasp flew into my car. In my frantic attempt to get away from it, I got pulled over and had to prove I was driving sober. FML
Today, I heard my boyfriend making the same noises while cleaning out his ears as the ones he makes whenever we have sex. FML
Today, I got harassed and screamed at by a middle-aged man for parking in a spot close to the store, because he wanted the same spot so he didn't have to walk so far with his groceries. He took a photo and vowed to report me to the authorities. FML
Today, I was sitting on the couch with my family. They didn't even notice me there until the dog started barking at me because I took his spot. My mom defended the dog, and now I'm sitting on the floor while a Pomeranian takes up half the couch for himself. FML
Today, while walking around town, some guy grabbed me from behind, clutched at my nipples, and said, "That's where I always imagined they were." FML
Today, I foolishly thought that I was alone in the house, and let out a huge fart on the toilet. This went on for a while due to an upset stomach. I later walked into the living room only to find my parents and a few of their friends sitting on the couch, teary-eyed from laughing so much. FML
Today, I was going to set up my air conditioner in the window. As I opened up the window, I must have disturbed a wasp nest, because a dozen wasps flew in and several of them stung me. The rest are now somewhere in my house with my terrified girlfriend. FML
Today, a neighbor's kid decided to pick a fight with me because I'm "the new kid in town and need to learn who's in charge". When I told him I'm 27, he said excuses like that aren't going to get me off the hook. I just moved here and I'm already being harassed by a twelve year old. FML
Today, I decided to try Karate. In an attempt to roundhouse-kick a hanging boxing glove, I knocked over a lamp, lost my balance and pulled down my curtains. My neighbor then looked through the window, started laughing and yelled, "KUNG FO POWA!" FML
Today, I was doing a little victory jig after finally sending out the last of the invitation cards for my wedding when I realised that I had forgotten to put the date of the event on them. FML
Today, my fiancée decided to go on a "vacation." Our wedding is tomorrow. FML
Today, I was diagnosed with strep throat. My mom wasted no time accusing me of whoring around and claiming that most people get strep from performing oral sex. FML
Today, my 12-year-old son played QWOP on my laptop. Half an hour later, he virtually destroyed it in a fit of rage. FML
Today, I had to remove a glass bottle, complete with an ineffective pullstring, from a patient's rectum. He claimed that he'd accidentally sat on it, and later threatened to sue me for every penny if I breathed a word of it to anyone. Oops, looks like I just did. FML
Today, a group of friends and I went out to a fancy club together. The doorman checked us out and let everyone in. Everyone except me, that is. The doorman's reason: "Her face looks like a baboon's arse." My "friends" all went in anyway, leaving me to walk all the way home. FML
Today, my friend thought it would be funny to change the language setting on my phone to Mandarin. Unfortunately, neither of us knows Mandarin, and we can't change it back to English. FML
Today, It was my fiancé's 21st birthday party. It ended with him too drunk to walk and wailing about how much he misses an ex girlfriend of his that he dumped 4 years ago. FML
Feel like sharing it with the other FML users?
Thanks, your FML was submitted, and will appear in the moderation queue soon!
