Today, I realised my girlfriend is the perfect woman for most men. She only ever talks to me in the intermissions on Modern Warfare 2; shame it's not me playing. FML
Today, my mother walked in on my boyfriend licking whipped cream off my nipples. FML
Today, a really hot guy smacked my ass. I farted. FML
Today, I agreed to let my boyfriend cover every inch of my body in whipped cream and lick it off. We were both enjoying it until his 9 year old sister walked in and started crying. FML
Today, I got an email from my cousin to "save the date" for her baby shower. It's on my 21st birthday. This is the same cousin who got engaged on my 18th. FML
Today, I got bitch-slapped by a walrus at Sea Life Park. FML
Today, I slipped on the wet floor at work and sprained my wrist badly. I was carrying the wet floor sign so no one would slip. FML
Today, when my girlfriend woke me up, she said, "I just had the sexiest dream." Thinking she was feeling frisky, I started to try to fool around with her. She pulled away and said, "Well it wasn't about YOU." FML
Today, I had been sick all day, so to cheer me up my dad drove me to get ice cream. On our way back, we hit a puppy. FML
Today, I walked into my bedroom, only to find out that my bed is missing. I have no idea where it is. FML
Today, I haven't had any real sleep in 4 days because I am an insomniac. My father is also an insomniac but he takes Ambien to get his rest. Me? I'm stuck staring at the ceiling for hours because he won't let me take any kind of medication, because he doesn't want me "getting addicted." FML
Today, I kissed my girlfriend. She threw up in my mouth. FML
Today, I came home to a dead fish duct-taped to the wall of my dorm room. I can't reach it. FML
Today, I found out that if my son and daughter in law are mad at me, they do it on my furniture. So far, they've done it on the table, my bed, and all the living room couches. FML
Today, I learned that I was conceived on a public bus. FML
Today, I was on my third date with this really cute girl. After a very romantic evening, I decided to go for the first kiss, but because of my nervous reflex in which I get bloody noses, I ended up bleeding all over her face. FML
Today, my incredibly self-conscious girlfriend decided to get over her fears and let me see her in her underwear. She did a short strip tease, crawled on top of me, and asked what I thought. I couldn't think of anything to say besides, "Your bra and panties don't match." FML
Today, I heard my mother and father having sexual intercourse, and I found out that my mother moans the same way as my girlfriend. Guess who I now think about every time my girlfriend moans? FML
Today, I found out the "small termite problem" the inspector told me about wasn't so small when a box from the attic fell through the floor and hit me in the head. FML
Today, my daughter and I went to the carnival and had our faces painted. When we returned home hours later, I realized I have a deep sunburn all around my face, except for the skin under the paint in the shape of a gecko. FML
Today, I discovered that I have developed a latex allergy. I'm a third year medical student. FML
Today, I found out that whenever my best friend used to say she wanted to do my dad, she wasn't kidding. She accomplished her mission in my bed after school. FML
Today, I was at my boyfriend's house waiting for him to get out of the shower. Bored, I sent my friend a picture of myself pretending to make out with his bear rug. After the photo shoot, I looked in the doorway to find his dad staring at me. FML
Today, my boyfriend and I were having sex for the first time when my 4 year old sister walked in. She thought we were making a dog pile, so just as soon as my boyfriend was about to finish, she jumped on his back. FML
Today, I discovered that if I put my ankles on my boyfriend's shoulders while we are having sex, I will pee myself. FML
Today, I learned that my girlfriend gives good head. I didn't find out by getting one, I found out by my drunk best friend telling me. FML
Today, I got a bad cut on my dominant hand while at work. My boss decided to order me to juice lemons... all 300 of them. FML
Today, I found out that the reason my best friend is not allowed over anymore is because he hits on my mom and writes her love letters. FML
Today, I got hit by a Salami log thrown from a car; its metal wire cut my shoulder. I got scarred by a flying hunk of pig. FML
Today, I was working on my family genealogy. I found out that my best friend's great-grandfather murdered my great-grandfather. FML
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