Mr 31 years-old Single
Today, I discovered that the lovely, hunger-inducing smell that's been lingering around the office lately is from the local animal crematory. I've been wistfully inhaling the stench of burning cats, dogs, and other various animals. FML
TODAY, I PRESSED CAPS LOCK ON MY LAPTOP AND THE KEY GOT STUCK. NOW ALL OF MY LETTERS ARE IN CAPITAL LETTERS. I HAVE TRIED EVERYTHING. FML
Today, I opened a cupboard and a brick fell on my head. The same brick my mum put up there to "keep it out of the way". FML
Today, I sneezed so hard I fell down the stairs. FML
Today, I puked up a centipede. FML
Today, I woke up so pissed off that I yelled at my cereal. FML
Today, I was riding my long board. A few feet from me an attractive girl was riding one too, in the same direction. We made eye contact right as I slammed into a light pole. She then fell because she was laughing so hard. FML
Today, I got motion sickness while having sex. FML
Today, while arm wrestling with my boyfriend, I had to pretend he beat me. FML
Today, I was robbed by a guy wearing a ninja turtle costume. FML
Today, I accidentally deep throated a fork. FML
Today, someone had the unique opportunity to be able to say to me, "Excuse me, your pants are on fire." FML
Today, I broke my leg while trying to show my friend how I broke my other leg. FML
Today, I was caught whacking off by my mother. She now takes every free moment of her time to read extracts from the Bible to me. FML
Today, I was walking along a crowded pier when I stopped to read a sign next to an oddly placed bush. Not even two seconds later, a man popped out of the bush and made me wet myself. People were filming it. FML
Today, while zooming down the interstate, I had to tell my husband to put his penis away. FML
Today, a downstairs neighbor of mine claimed money from me because apparently my dog took a dump on the fire escape, and the poop fell through the grates and on her groceries. I don't have a dog, but I paid the money anyway, because I was too ashamed to tell her it was my husband. FML
Today, I was dragged to the food store with my mom. While we were shopping, the fire alarm went off. My mom pushed the cart at me, nearly knocking me over, and sprinted for the door. FML
Today, I came home to find my house destroyed. I was so devastated, I cried. I had spent days hand-crafting the house to perfection, down to the finest detail. On Minecraft. FML
Today, my beloved pet chicken ran away from home. I got so distraught that my dad offered to buy me dinner. Specifically, KFC. FML
Today, I bought a Halloween costume for my cat. FML
Today, I burned my tongue. With a flat iron. FML
Today, a fly got stuck up my nose while I was giving a speech. FML
Today, I got whiplash from sneezing. FML
Today, my Dad and I killed a cockroach with a large metal pole. It was the most bonding experience we have ever had. FML
Today, my daughter told me that she wanted to live with her father because they have a faster internet connection. FML
Today, a lady threw a coke bottle at my head because she had a non-winning lottery ticket. FML
Today, at the age of 57, my dad got a unicorn tattooed on his shoulder. FML
Today, I went to the DMV to renew my license. When I gave the woman behind the desk my name and social security number she looked confused. She then called over her manager, who did the same thing. Getting nervous, I asked what was wrong. Apparently, according to the state of Illinois, I'm dead. FML
Today, at work, my computer started acting up. I told my boss I could fix it, but he told me to call the IT department instead. Neither the IT technician or his supervisor could figure it out, so I showed them what was wrong and how to fix it. I was promptly fired for wasting 2 hours of company time. FML
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