Animals: Today, a fly got stuck up my nose while I was giving a speech....

By agent_awesome - United Kingdom

Today, a fly got stuck up my nose while I was giving a speech. FML

I agree, your life sucks

32628

You deserved it

2621

Favorite

agent_awesome tells us more :

i popped it out by holding down the other nostril and blowing.it was awkward. but atleast i gave the people a story to tell. one day when its not so fresh i will look back and laugh...i hope

Animals

This Charming Man

Doomed

Mixed signals

By me - United States

Today, my friend and I gave our numbers to some guys at a bar. Twenty minutes after we had left, we got a call. We excitedly answered the phone, only to hear the guy ask, "So are you the fat one or the ugly one?" FML

I agree, your life sucks

34317

You deserved it

7337

Favorite

By robot lady - 23/9/2020 23:01

The magic of love

Today, I learned just how “old fashioned” my girlfriend is when we talked about marriage. She said it should be approached as a logically as possible and that I make an ideal partner, based on my ability to provide. And while she sees sex as uninteresting, it is a wifely duty she’s willing to do. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1262

You deserved it

181

Favorite

By Anonymous - United Kingdom

Today, I was told that all the data on my laptop is unrecoverable after my hard drive crashed. I have been charged £300 for them to tell me this. Feeling sorry for myself, I wrapped myself up in a blanket and turned on my fan radiator as it's so cold... and promptly set my carpet on fire. FML

I agree, your life sucks

31700

You deserved it

3878

Favorite

By Anonymous - United States

Today, I found out my best friend was having a birthday party and I wasn't invited, so I asked her why. She replied, "what birthday party?" It was a surprise birthday party. FML

I agree, your life sucks

18323

You deserved it

31099

Favorite

By Alexander - Russian Federation

Today, I found that my cats somehow managed to pull the plug of my fridge out of the socket. Several days ago. Now I have to get rid of a ton of stinking food and clean the stinking fridge. FML

I agree, your life sucks

27651

You deserved it

7315

Favorite

By J - United Kingdom

Today, I went looking for a childhood doll - I remembered that my mum kept her in her bedside cabinet. I could see the doll at the back, but there was stuff in the way, so I reached in and took some of it out, only to find I was holding one of my mum's toys... a big black rubber cock. FML

I agree, your life sucks

33048

You deserved it

6843

Favorite

By smokeysarah94 - Canada - Ottawa

Today, my boss and I had to come up with a code to call if a person acts inappropriately towards me because I "attract too many weirdos." FML

I agree, your life sucks

33321

You deserved it

3309

Favorite

By anon

Today, my wife and I got into an argument. She ran out, yelling. Later, at work, I felt guilty, so I picked up some flowers and a card. When I presented them to her, she looked puzzled. I made the mistake of reminding her about our argument. She is now mad at me, again. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1887

You deserved it

281

Favorite

By cagel - United States

Today, I got an e-mail from my University saying I may have violated the Student Code of Conduct for being drunk in public at a football game, and now I have to go in to defend myself against charges. My lungs filled with fluid at the game, causing me to throw up. I had to be taken away in an ambulance. FML

I agree, your life sucks

34668

You deserved it

2762

Favorite

By Alex - United States - Honolulu

Today, I was at my mom's funeral. My sisters and I were sitting in the front row. The funeral director, whom we had met with twice before, was going around greeting everyone. When she got to us, she asked where our mom was. Seriously? FML

I agree, your life sucks

62755

You deserved it

3398

Favorite

By handlin - Mexico

Today, after 8 years, I confessed one of my best friends I've been in love with him since we were kiddies. His answer was "Don't worry, I won't stop talking to you." FML

I agree, your life sucks

33914

You deserved it

4124

Favorite

By hulagirl1217 - United States

Today, a bee landed on my leg. I didn't realize it was there until my friend yelled out, "Bee!" kicked me in the leg, and ran off. I fell to the ground screaming and clutching my leg. She missed the bee and it still stung me. FML

I agree, your life sucks

31492

You deserved it

2921

Favorite

By IcedTaco - Ukraine

Today, the guy I was dating told me he thought I was a good person. His reasoning? I'm not ugly enough to be a bad person, but I'm not pretty enough, either. FML

I agree, your life sucks

11576

You deserved it

859

Favorite

By Anonymous - Germany - Bad Windsheim

Today, I went to the supermarket to get some Easter gifts for my kids. At the register, I was verbally abused to the point of tears by the cashier, for having way too many items for the 12 items or less lane. I had 13. FML

I agree, your life sucks

40421

You deserved it

15586

Favorite

By FuturePolice - United States

Today, I was accepted into a police academy. I called my girlfriend of 2 years, who was supportive through the process. She promptly broke up with me, stating, "You'll be really busy in the academy, and I can't marry a police officer. Its a dangerous job." And then called me selfish for "doing this to us." FML

I agree, your life sucks

38445

You deserved it

3489

Favorite

By hozzyandie - Ireland

Today, at the office, everyone in my department swapped secret santa presents. I bought the guy whose name I picked a DVD box-set of his favorite TV series. One of my friends got a fancy make up kit. Another got a pack of posh notebooks. I got a toilet plunger. FML

I agree, your life sucks

32600

You deserved it

3320

Favorite

By Sparks - United States - Taylor

Today, my neighbors threatened to sue me because a six-foot branch fell off one of my trees and into their yard, hitting nothing on the way down. FML

I agree, your life sucks

2110

You deserved it

212

Favorite

By wahhh - United Kingdom

Today, my neighbor from across the road phoned me at work telling me there was a fire engine outside my house and a lot of smoke. I drove home in a panic, smashing a rear light on a post and getting flashed by a speed camera. It wasn't my house. The firemen were putting out a bonfire next door. FML

I agree, your life sucks

28773

You deserved it

6585

Favorite

By SIK of everything - United States

Today, I was at a party and all my friends started asking me ways they could leave so no one would notice because the party sucked. It was MY party. FML

I agree, your life sucks

42482

You deserved it

7430

Favorite

By grounded4life - United States

Today, I tried to make my mom feel better about me leaving for camp for 2 weeks by saying I wish she would come too. She took me seriously and called the camp and is now a camp counselor there. The only problem is I lied about going to the camp, and I'm really going to my boyfriend's lake house. FML

I agree, your life sucks

19322

You deserved it

83224

Favorite

By preggers - United States

Today, I found out I'm pregnant. My husband and I are divorcing because HE had an affair. He now wants a paternity test. FML

I agree, your life sucks

37303

You deserved it

3609

Favorite

By okay17 - United States

Today, I met my new roommate. I hadn't even gotten her name yet, because the first thing she said to me instead was that she wanted to hang her confederate flag on the wall. I'm black. FML

I agree, your life sucks

39878

You deserved it

5083

Favorite

By Anonymous - United Kingdom

Today, after years of loneliness, I met the most amazing girl on Omegle. We spoke for ages and really clicked. But before either of us could exchange numbers, I lost my internet connection and her along with it. FML

I agree, your life sucks

25866

You deserved it

3318

Favorite

By Anonymous - United States - Bessemer

Today, I announced my pregnancy to my husband. He responded with, "Well shit, when do these faucets turn on?" and started honking my boobs. FML

I agree, your life sucks

42506

You deserved it

5784

Favorite

By Anonymous - 18/4/2021 03:00 - Canada - Bedford

Making connections

Today, my dad and I finally found something we have in common, after 12 years of barely talking with each other. We're both extremely suicidally depressed and we were both molested as kids. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1108

You deserved it

Favorite

By RyanM - France

Today, I found out what people really think about the beard I've been proudly growing for over a month. It appears that my face now looks like an unshaven ballsack. FML

I agree, your life sucks

10856

You deserved it

27421

Favorite

By Anonymous

Love is blind

Today, my ex-wife confessed to me that she's in love with my father and broke down crying because he's never approved of her. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1709

You deserved it

144

Favorite

By Anonymous - 26/1/2021 19:01 - United Kingdom - London

The real me

Today, after three days of dating a boy I liked, he came out as gay on his Instagram. FML

I agree, your life sucks

803

You deserved it

109

Favorite

By alostr1 - United States

Today, while in the waiting room at the dentist's, some kids were running and screaming. One of them stopped right beside me, turned to face me, and threw up in my lap. FML

I agree, your life sucks

35450

You deserved it

2481

Favorite

By Anonymous - United States

Today, I got a mass text message from a friend saying she's sorry she can't meet up with our group of friends for drinks because she's busy tonight. This is the first I've heard of any bar-crawling. FML

I agree, your life sucks

27312

You deserved it

2582

Favorite

By Anonymous - 28/6/2020 23:02

Trust

Today, my husband's grandmother told me in confidence that he was diagnosed with psychopathy as a child, so in all likelihood my husband isn’t actually capable of feeling love for me. I’m just a useful tool to make him seem normal so doctors and therapists leave him alone. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1882

You deserved it

128

Favorite

By zztopspinner - United States

Today, whilst stacking the dish washer I dropped a steak knife. Luckily, I caught it just before it hit my foot. I fist-pumped to celebrate my amazing catch and stabbed myself in the cheek. My parents couldn't stop laughing all the way to the hospital. FML

I agree, your life sucks

12677

You deserved it

36388

Favorite

By Anonymous

Today, I worked construction building a hotel. I was taking out the trash when I suddenly felt an extreme urge to poop. I ran into one of the rooms and found an empty cardboard box to poop into. Finished, I closed the box and made my way to the door. I then saw my boss staring at me from the closet. FML

I agree, your life sucks

2660

You deserved it

4454

Favorite

By NotAsToughAsHeThinks - United States

Captain Badass

Today, a man pulled me violently into an alleyway and informed me I was being mugged. Being a body-builder, I said, "Oh yeah? Go on then." He kicked my ass in a matter of seconds, stole my wallet, then farted on my bruised face. He called me a wimp. FML

I agree, your life sucks

16118

You deserved it

53882

Favorite

By Anonymous

There's insane and then there's this guy

Today, my idiot boss, who says he used to be an EMT, thinks that all safety precautions in the company COVID-19 response memo and everything we’ve heard from the WHO and CDC is bull and removed the gloves from everyone’s truck. We’re a plumbing and drain company. FML

I agree, your life sucks

2091

You deserved it

Favorite

By Anonymous - United States

Today, my sister bought my five year old son a giant ant farm for his birthday. We set it in the living room on a table. I went into the kitchen for a minute, and when I walked back in to the living room, my son was holding the empty case over his head, smiling. FML

I agree, your life sucks

39043

You deserved it

7924

Favorite

By skywayavenue - Canada

Today, I went to my friend's house. While she went to the kitchen, I noticed a little pink pastry on her desk. It looked really good, so I decided to take a bite before she got back. As I bit into it, a sizzling noise started, and foam overflowed in my mouth. It was a bath bomb. FML

I agree, your life sucks

12177

You deserved it

99412

Favorite

By Anonymous - United Kingdom - Wolverhampton

Today, my friend announced that she'd lost weight recently. As I was congratulating her, my baby sister said, "I think you're still fat but that's good because you can give more meat to God when you go to heaven." Now I have to explain to a 6-year-old that God isn't a cannibal. FML

I agree, your life sucks

51421

You deserved it

5842

Favorite

By sdd - Switzerland - Lotzwil

Today, I was chatting with my choir leader. I told him that I have been thinking about taking singing lessons. His immediate reaction was, "Thank god, finally!" FML

I agree, your life sucks

29166

You deserved it

6708

Favorite

By dumped - United States

Today, my girlfriend of 3 years broke up with me because the love advice that she gets on her cellphone every week says that I'm cheating on her. I've never cheated on her and I was planning to propose next week. FML

I agree, your life sucks

95725

You deserved it

6243

Favorite

Add a comment

You must be logged in to be able to post comments!

Create my account Sign in

Top comments

By HuntrTrakr | 4

#3324412 - Wednesday 21 September 2011 22:23

What a buzz kill!

By Epsilonyx | 15

#3324430 - Wednesday 21 September 2011 22:24

What you did next, I can only imagine.

COMMENTS

By pointless07 | 1

#3324403 - Wednesday 21 September 2011 22:23

By niplipsip | 9

#3324406 - Wednesday 21 September 2011 22:23

Did you blow it out on stage?

LiveLaughFML | 10

#3324575 - Wednesday 21 September 2011 22:38

"and that is why YOU should vote me as preside--AUGHAHG!?"

HowAreYouToday | 34

#3324599 - Wednesday 21 September 2011 22:41

The fly "nose" where the gold is. :D

fakeaccountX | 6

#3325076 - Wednesday 21 September 2011 23:48

You gotta testify. Come up in the spot looking extra fly.

RedSharpieInk | 5

#3325503 - Thursday 22 September 2011 1:01

That must have been HILARIOUS for whoever was watching the speech you were giving

BooGhosted | 0

#3326006 - Thursday 22 September 2011 2:48

You ain't as coordinated as Obama.

wildhorseman | 32

#5480184 - Monday 6 May 2013 4:54

more like testiFLY.

By HuntrTrakr | 4

#3324412 - Wednesday 21 September 2011 22:23

What a buzz kill!

rawrkittyrawr | 6

#3324482 - Wednesday 21 September 2011 22:28

Puns u gotta love them

raylenne1695 | 0

#3324675 - Wednesday 21 September 2011 22:49

Dumb but entertaining

MyMilkShake2Yard | 0

#3324913 - Wednesday 21 September 2011 23:24

I bet u was hoping for the time to fly by after that...

shanyboy25 | 0

#3328062 - Thursday 22 September 2011 12:43

How long have u been waiting to tell that one. ;)

By Epsilonyx | 15

#3324430 - Wednesday 21 September 2011 22:24

What you did next, I can only imagine.

ImaginaryFoe | 0

#3325391 - Thursday 22 September 2011 0:40

Saw this happen to someone once. She spit it out. It was disgustingly fascinating.

ShyAnn29 | 14

#3325776 - Thursday 22 September 2011 1:56

Spit it out of her nose?! That'd be pretty fascinating

ih82bl8 | 2

#3331771 - Friday 23 September 2011 6:44

It probably went down the back if her throat and she spit it out

By glittercookies | 12

#3324432 - Wednesday 21 September 2011 22:25

Lolllllllllll

glittercookies | 12

#3325165 - Thursday 22 September 2011 0:00

Yep!

crazychick1269 | 7

#3325773 - Thursday 22 September 2011 1:56

looks like Perky Polly moved into town

free2speak | 14

#3328794 - Thursday 22 September 2011 16:40

Are you the glittercookies from Etsy? Cause if you're, then you are a conniving lying thief who steals other's designs! if not, ignore what I just said.