Animals: Today, a fly got stuck up my nose while I was giving a speech....

By agent_awesome - United Kingdom

Today, a fly got stuck up my nose while I was giving a speech. FML

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agent_awesome tells us more :

i popped it out by holding down the other nostril and blowing.it was awkward. but atleast i gave the people a story to tell. one day when its not so fresh i will look back and laugh...i hope

Animals

Drinking is bad for you, most of the time

DINOSAURS!!

Bad boys, bad boys…

By Anonymous - United States

Today, I bought a lanyard for my new car keys. "Epic Fail" was printed on it. Not two hours after getting it and putting my keys on it, I locked them in my car. I don't have a spare. FML

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By spaceforrent - United States

Today, I came home to find that my girlfriend had repainted my bedroom. As she had offered to do it, it shouldn't have been a problem. However, she decided to return the several unopened cans of off-white paint that I'd bought for something "more neutral." Like "Sunset Orange." FML

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By MouseLover.. - United States

Today, I placed sticky mouse traps in my bedroom. it's now 12:05 a.m. and I've successfully caught a mouse. Too bad I'm scared of them and my husband is passed out asleep. I now get to listen to a mouse squeak all night and have to be up in 4 hours. FML.

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By Kira - Canada - Halifax

Today, I was spending some time alone out in the countryside, when I glanced at my boot. I saw a snake, screamed, ran like hell for my car, tripped over my own feet, and smashed my kneecaps. Upon further inspection, I realized the "snake" was my loose shoelace. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I woke up to a man stroking my leg while smelling my hair. I asked my roommate who he was and she said, "Oh, that's just my brother. He needs a place to stay and he will be living with us until June. Didn't I tell you that?" No, you didn't. FML

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By Depressed and clueless - United States - Manhattan

Today, after months of being told I'm just being paranoid, my hallmates admitted and proved that there really is a dorm-wide conspiracy to socially isolate me. I don’t know what I did wrong. FML

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom - Slough

Today, I went to a garden party my friend had invited me to. I soon discovered they had seriously downplayed the formality of the event, as I noticed trays of fancy hors d'oeuvres and glasses of champagne lined up on the table. I showed up with Kool Aid and Ritz crackers. FML

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By Bluetooth Connection

Today, I sat in the bathroom on my phone to rub one out after a long day. Wanting to hear the action, I upped the volume until the sound was low enough for me to hear, despite the volume being near max. I continued until I realized my phone was connected to my headset outside near my family. FML

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By anon

Today, my wife and I got into an argument. She ran out, yelling. Later, at work, I felt guilty, so I picked up some flowers and a card. When I presented them to her, she looked puzzled. I made the mistake of reminding her about our argument. She is now mad at me, again. FML

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By fuckit - Italy - Rome

Today, my pants ripped while I was at work. I had to keep my balls to the wall while I dodged customers and edged ever closer to the break room. Before I could call my wife and ask her to bring a new pair, my boss burst in, got pissed, and made me go back out and deal with irate customers. FML

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By - 30/1/2020 20:00

Someone else

Today, I was going down on my girlfriend when I noticed a hickey near her hip. I said, "wow, last night was crazy, I don't even remember doing that!". Without even interrupting the action, she simply said, "You didn't". FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my mother lectured me about going to the bar too often. She did this while rolling a joint. FML

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By Kahlilah Kilgore

Touching story

Today, I was half asleep when my cat came over to cuddle. I was petting her in the dark when I felt what I thought was a patch of matted fur under her neck, as if she had been injured and bleeding. Alarmed, I felt for that spot again and found myself holding her tail. What I'd felt was in fact my cat's anus. FML

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By Jack W. - United States

Today, my cat regurgitated his food right on top of a heating vent located on my floor. Now the whole house smells like hot vomit. FML

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By Anonymous - Australia - Burwood

Today, I woke up to my girlfriend having phone sex less than 10 feet away from me. FML

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By hulio88

Today, after years of hard work, I had an interview at the highest ranking university in the world 800 miles from where I live. It snowed heavily for the last 2 days closing every road, railway, and airport causing me to miss the interview. There is no rescheduling. FML

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By Banana_Lord - United Kingdom - Saint Andrews

Today, I walked 20 minutes in rain, winds that almost knocked me over, and face-fulls of stinging hailstones. Less than a minute after I finally got inside, the weather cleared up, the sun came out, and a rainbow appeared. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, I tried to change my usually stoic behaviour and be friendly to a coworker. Now she is convinced that I finally went insane and intend to murder her. FML

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By LizzyJones - United Kingdom - Derby

Today, my husband bought me a present for our three year anniversary. It was a pack of 20 cigarettes. I don't smoke. He does. FML

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By rockytrolley - Cyprus

Today, my taxi driver kept falling asleep and swerving off the road, so I asked him if he was okay. He stopped and burst out sobbing about the long hours he had to do after his divorce and his wife taking all he had. Long story short, I ended up driving him home and getting a taxi from his place. FML

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By thepokemonkid - United States - Avon

Today, I finally made a Facebook account after being home-schooled my entire life. I friended people that I know and their friends, and subsequently sparked a debate on whether or not I exist. FML

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By guyshithappensto - United States

Today, I fell asleep in class. If that wasn't bad enough, I awoke gasping for air. I almost drowned in my arm fat. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I found out my 19 year old daughter is pregnant. The father is a toss up between my 45 year-old best friend, and the 30 year old guy who cleans our pool. FML

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By JustABarista

Good Riddance

Today, while working at Starbucks, an elderly woman came up to me asking to turn up the heat. It was at 73. After explaining to her that corporate all the way across the country controls our heat, she's reporting me to corporate and is insisting I should be fired or she won't ever return. FML

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By Soapy - United States

Today, I spent 3 hours washing my hands to get the pony out of the soap bar. I'm 16. FML

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By Noname - United States

Today, I went to a birthday party for my friend's daughter. I picked up a gift for the girl and another for her parents. I got the mother a cute little garden stone that read "What our children see in the world depends on what we show them." Later, I found out her daughter is blind. FML

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By Anonymous - 16/1/2021 14:01

Slow moving accident

Today, I got into an accident, driving pretty slowly on a left turn signal trying to avoid a curb, sticking it out for too long, breaking a car's sideview mirror and causing scratches. The police was called. I have to appear in court for a misdemeanour for my first offence ever. Good bye student visa. FML

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By leftbehind - Colombia

Today, I was the only passenger on a completely booked flight to have all their luggage left behind in another country. FML

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By why - United States

Today, my ex-boyfriend convinced my current boyfriend to break up with me because "bros before hoes". They met for the first time last week. FML

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By sucker and suckatash/say don't spray - United States - Pearl City

Today, I was doing stand-up comedy at open mic. The guy I like started laughing, but before I hit my punch line. Apparently, when I was speaking, I was occasionally spitting, and in the very bright light it was easy to see my spit hitting people in the face. They kept a tally. FML

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By conbon123 - United States - Beaverton

Today, my dog became scared of his own food bowl. He now barks for ages every time he sees it. FML

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By Busted - United Kingdom

Today, I broke up with my boyfriend since I believed him to be cheating on me with another woman, something he adamantly denied. I went to his house to get all my stuff back. After I left, I discovered a silk thong that definitely did not belong to me, in amongst my clothes. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, at my graduation for my high school GED, my parents said they were getting all my family and my girlfriend together. So we all went out to a steakhouse down the road, everyone ordered steaks. Turns out the 'surprise' was me paying. I only got 50$ grad money, and the bill was 159.98. FML

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By Anonymous - Australia - Mona Vale

Today, I walked out of a job interview feeling confident because I'd really hit it off with the interviewer. He called me an hour later to tell me that I didn't get the job, since he was afraid we'd "get along too well and never get any work done." FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Wichita Falls

Today, my professor told everyone that he thinks all med students should be required to get a catheter and an enema at least once in their lives so they can relate to their patients, saying, "Gentlemen, it might change your lives." FML

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By drunk - Australia

Today, I woke up on a friend's floor with a massive hangover after her party last night. My friend, who was next to me, barfed all over me. She then told me that while I was drunk last night, I made out with her dog as well as two of our other friend's boyfriends. FML

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By jonhapimp - United States

Today, I found out that my Mom had taken out a loan out on my car from the repo man taking my car away. FML

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By doblex - United States

Today, my house was broken into. The cop that came turned out to be a guy I fought over a girl with in high school. He sneered and said that everything appeared to be in order, and that I probably ransacked my own house. FML

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By she has dumbcuntitis - United States - Hacienda Heights

Today, my roommate bitched me out over my "OCD" driving the water bill up. She takes hour-long showers, but apparently me flushing after peeing "wasteful" and a sign of a neurological disorder. FML

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By Nicks - United States - Las Vegas

Today, my mother-in-lawyer threatened to sue me unless I took my professional wedding photographs off Facebook as she did not like that they made her look fat. She is over 300 pounds. FML

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Top comments

By HuntrTrakr | 4

#3324412 - Wednesday 21 September 2011 22:23

What a buzz kill!

By Epsilonyx | 15

#3324430 - Wednesday 21 September 2011 22:24

What you did next, I can only imagine.

COMMENTS

By pointless07 | 1

#3324403 - Wednesday 21 September 2011 22:23

By niplipsip | 9

#3324406 - Wednesday 21 September 2011 22:23

Did you blow it out on stage?

LiveLaughFML | 10

#3324575 - Wednesday 21 September 2011 22:38

"and that is why YOU should vote me as preside--AUGHAHG!?"

HowAreYouToday | 34

#3324599 - Wednesday 21 September 2011 22:41

The fly "nose" where the gold is. :D

fakeaccountX | 6

#3325076 - Wednesday 21 September 2011 23:48

You gotta testify. Come up in the spot looking extra fly.

RedSharpieInk | 5

#3325503 - Thursday 22 September 2011 1:01

That must have been HILARIOUS for whoever was watching the speech you were giving

BooGhosted | 0

#3326006 - Thursday 22 September 2011 2:48

You ain't as coordinated as Obama.

wildhorseman | 32

#5480184 - Monday 6 May 2013 4:54

more like testiFLY.

By HuntrTrakr | 4

#3324412 - Wednesday 21 September 2011 22:23

What a buzz kill!

rawrkittyrawr | 6

#3324482 - Wednesday 21 September 2011 22:28

Puns u gotta love them

raylenne1695 | 0

#3324675 - Wednesday 21 September 2011 22:49

Dumb but entertaining

MyMilkShake2Yard | 0

#3324913 - Wednesday 21 September 2011 23:24

I bet u was hoping for the time to fly by after that...

shanyboy25 | 0

#3328062 - Thursday 22 September 2011 12:43

How long have u been waiting to tell that one. ;)

By Epsilonyx | 15

#3324430 - Wednesday 21 September 2011 22:24

What you did next, I can only imagine.

ImaginaryFoe | 0

#3325391 - Thursday 22 September 2011 0:40

Saw this happen to someone once. She spit it out. It was disgustingly fascinating.

ShyAnn29 | 14

#3325776 - Thursday 22 September 2011 1:56

Spit it out of her nose?! That'd be pretty fascinating

ih82bl8 | 2

#3331771 - Friday 23 September 2011 6:44

It probably went down the back if her throat and she spit it out

By glittercookies | 12

#3324432 - Wednesday 21 September 2011 22:25

Lolllllllllll

glittercookies | 12

#3325165 - Thursday 22 September 2011 0:00

Yep!

crazychick1269 | 7

#3325773 - Thursday 22 September 2011 1:56

looks like Perky Polly moved into town

free2speak | 14

#3328794 - Thursday 22 September 2011 16:40

Are you the glittercookies from Etsy? Cause if you're, then you are a conniving lying thief who steals other's designs! if not, ignore what I just said.