monomiscuous

Today, my cat managed to lock my dad and me outside of our house. FML

Today, I found out how mature the guy I'm seeing is. After sex, he took the condom off and hit me in the face with it. FML

Today, I went to the tanning bed. I laid down in the bed and turned it on and the fan started blowing. There was a terrible smell and I thought it was the person before me. Then I realized it was just the fan blowing my sweaty feet towards my face. FML

Today, I came home to my front door open and a homeless man taking a 'bath' in my sink. If this wasn't bad enough, he refused to leave because 'finders keepers!' FML

Today, while trying to sneak out of my house to go to a party I met my mom trying to sneak back in. FML

Today, my ex husband is marrying my sister. FML

Today, after eighteen years of living with my adoptive parents, I met my biological mum for the first time. She's a forty year old, 300lb American woman who wears 'Twilight' t-shirts and will be spending the rest of her visit to the UK trying to find Robert Pattinson. She says I remind her of herself. FML

No more treats

Today, I told my kids that our family dog was getting too fat and we should give him a little less food. My youngest daughter whispered to her sister, "Mommy's fat and we still give her food." FML

Today, I found out what getting slapped in the face with lettuce feels like. FML

Today, I was walking home when a stranger came up to me and told me to give him a good reason why he shouldn't punch me in the face. I guess none were good enough. FML

Today, I overheard a conversation between my boyfriend and his best friend about how to shave one's nuts completely. FML

Today, I watched my boss try to stick a magnet to cardboard. FML

Today, my husband asked me to come see his turd. After I said no, he said, "What kind of wife are you?" FML

Today, I was holding my drunken friend's hair while she threw up in the toilet at a party. She said, crying, "Y'don't have to do this..." I told her that that's what friends are for. She replied, "Yeah, but I did sleep with your boyfriend..." FML

Today, I saw myself on the news. I was one of the random passers by they had filmed for their story on the "Fat Epidemic." FML

Today, I woke up to the news that my mom's in jail. FML

Today, my girlfriend who was planning on waiting until marriage for sex decided to have sex with me. It's been 4 hours and she hasn't stopped crying, praying and calling me the devil's temptation. FML

Mr Beard

Today, I shaved my beard off. Turns out the skin under my beard is six shades lighter than the rest of my face. I look completely ridiculous. FML

Today, I went out drinking with my friends. Being safe as we were a little intoxicated, we took a taxi back. The cab driver was also drunk. FML

Today, a sweet old lady gave up her seat for me in the bus. She lectured the entire bus that seats should be given to those in need, like myself who is "heavily pregnant." I'm just fat. FML

Today, I peeked through my window and trained a pair of binoculars on my neighbour's house. Every night without fail, he ends up standing in front of his window topless to flex his muscles. This time, I was surprised to instead find a note taped to the window saying, "Sorry, I'm out tonight." FML

Spotted

Today, I went to Walmart to get some acne cream. As I approached the register, I looked in my wallet for the money. The cashier saw that I didn't have enough money, and before I could say anything, he goes, "Just take it, I've never seen anyone who needs it this much." FML

Today, I was dragged to the food store with my mom. While we were shopping, the fire alarm went off. My mom pushed the cart at me, nearly knocking me over, and sprinted for the door. FML

WTF FML

Today, while I was walking on the sidewalk, someone hit me with their car. They yelled at me for being in their way. FML

Today, I got a ticket from a cop for not riding my bike in the bike lane. I wasn't riding in the bike lane because I was avoiding construction work. FML

Today, I started to fall in love with my wife again. We are in the middle of a divorce. FML

Today, I met my new neighbor. His wi-fi access point is named "TheRapistDownstairs." FML

Today, I was caught and fined for picking a lock. I have OCD. I was picking the padlock on a toilet paper holder in a public toilet because the roll was the wrong way round. FML

Today, I heard that a boy in my class had written a song about me. Intrigued, I went to see him perform. I spent 3 excruciating minutes listening to a song about 'the girl of his dreams', his tear-filled eyes staring into mine the whole time. I have to sit next to this freak for the next 2 years. FML

Today, a man with a face like a corpse's shoe started talking to me in the long queue at the Post Office. Apparently, his mother invented the banana, and he's first in line for the throne in France if ever Prince Harry dies. And his breath smelled like Satan's ass gas. FML