jerseygirl99

Today, I went shopping with my mother, when someone snuck a pack of condoms into our cart while our backs were turned. When we got to the register, my mom, whose wealth makes me ineligible for financial aid, noticed the condoms and she announced that she wasn't paying for the college I got accepted to next year because she doesn't want a promiscuous daughter. FML

What?

Today, I was working at Publix ringing up some 70 year-old woman. She says "Man, you're a fast cashier, I like my men fast!" and then gives me a wink. I got really nervous and didn't know how to respond, so not thinking I quickly said, "Yeah, me too." FML

Today, my boss made me some tortellini for lunch. As I was happily eating it, he started to give me a massage, while talking to his friends in Greek. He told me that he said "She's my #1 cashier." Turns out, what he really said was "See, if you feed them well, they let you touch them." FML

Today, I was walking around my new school trying to figure out where to go. Then I realized I was talking to myself. Out loud. FML

Experimentation

Today, I tried to see if you can kick yourself in the nuts. You can. FML

Today, on Facebook, I joined a group called "I want our relationship to last." My boyfriend commented "I don't." FML

Today, I was looking down at my chest and noticed the hairs growing upon it. For a 16 year old, it's pretty impressive. It's a shame that I'm a girl though. FML

Today, my husband actually was cleaning our bathrooms. I had to pee and the floor was wet in my upstairs bathroom. My wonderful husband told me to go downstairs. I did and sat on the toilet seat which felt wet. He forgot he had sprayed it with Tilex. Chemical burns on your butt are great. FML

Flashback to 2010

Today, I was chatting with a cute guy on Omegle. He seemed really friendly and interested after I had showed him a picture of me. When I mentioned that I play music, he seemed even more interested, so I gave him the link to my music Myspace. I waited patiently. He disconnected. FML

What am I doing?

Today, my 2 year-old had a large booger blocking his nose so I pulled it out. I was on the phone and absentmindedly rolling it around between my thumb and pointer finger. I put it in my mouth and crushed it between my teeth for a solid minute before I remembered what it was. FML

Today, my entire extended family was over for Christmas. I opened a gift to see that it was a fruitcake and saw everyone looking at me, smiling. This is their way to tell me that they know I'm gay and that they accept me. I'm straight. FML

Today, I found out the gift card my friend gave me for Christmas actually has no money on it and was never purchased in the first place. FML

Today, Facebook told me I should reconnect with my husband. FML

Today, I walked in on my mom and dad. It wasn't my dad. FML

Today, my girlfriend left me for my sister. I can't stop thinking about all those days they went out alone for "girl time." FML

PANIC

Today, I woke up from a nap and thought I felt somebody's arm in my bed. I frantically start hitting it and start screaming. I soon realized it was my own arm. I'd fallen asleep on it, and it was completely numb, I couldn't feel a thing. FML

Today, marks the second week straight without sex. Being a newlywed isn't as great as I thought. FML

Complicated

Today, I had to look up how to eat a mango on the internet. FML

Today, I found out that my parents bought a stripper pole, my mom even hired a stripper to teach her some "moves." I'm scared to go in their room now. FML

Today, the instructions on my new IKEA bed made me cry. It includes a picture of a person working alone with a frown crossed out and is replaced by two smiling people working together. I have no one in my life to help me. FML

Today, I came home from a New Year's party wearing a shower curtain and nothing else. FML

Today, I got all dressed up for a New Year's party. When my parents and siblings left the house to their parties, I got undressed. I wasn't going to a party. I only got dressed up so my family would think I had plans. FML

Today, I fell asleep while masturbating. I'm so bad that I bore myself. FML

Today, I was trying to see how far I could get away from the toilet while pissing. Instead I tripped over backwards and pissed all over my face. FML

Today, I realized that the only male that has ever been in bed with me has been my cat. FML

What ARE you doing?

Today, I was on Facebook when I saw a link about what Pokémon would look like if they had genitals. I'm not quite sure why, but I decided to click it, and at that exact moment, my brother and his friend walked in. They told my mom I was looking at Pokémon porn. I'll never be able to live this down. FML

Today, I witnessed my drunk grandmother attempting the Single Ladies dance, complete with hip gyrations and ass slapping. FML

Gone

Today, I woke up to realize that the guy who took my virginity last night also took my flat screen TV. FML

Today, I slipped on a patch of ice and fell. I would have fallen straight onto my ass, but thankfully my testicles broke my fall. FML

Today, I found my daughter's brand new ipod touch. At the bottom of the washing machine. FML