Today, I opened the cabinet to take a pill for my headache. After taking the pill, I turned around and smashed my head on the open cabinet door. FML
Today, I agreed to meet my ex-girlfriend at our favorite restaurant with my hopes high. She just wanted me to meet her new boyfriend. FML
Today, my girlfriend broke up with me, all because whenever I laugh I say "lol." FML
Today, I found my boyfriend making out with my mom. FML
Today, I was sitting in IHOP with my girlfriend of six months when she brought in her son of three years she had neglected to tell me about, and asked 'Does this change things?' FML
Today, I ran 5 miles to catch the bus I take to university after missing my connection. When I got to the bus stop, I realized I had left my U-Pass on my desk at home. On top of the assignment that was due. FML
Today, I found out that when you hit the neighbor's dog with your car, they might chase you a mile with a shotgun. FML
Today, I found my mom throwing my very expensive and important medication down the toilet. She thought I was doing drugs. FML
Today, I woke up with my face sharpied. I live alone. FML
Today, I was lying on the couch after having surgery on my stomach. My best friend and my mom thought that laughter would be the best medicine. Due to their medicine, I ripped out half my stitches. FML
Today, I got to sleep in the same bed as the love of my life...and her new boyfriend. FML
Today, I have been dating an incredibly gorgeous woman. She had a poor self image and after the longest time, I finally convinced her to seek counselling to help her self esteem. It worked. So well in fact that she just broke up with me because she "finally realized she could do so much better" FML
Today, I was holding my son and smelled poop so I checked his diaper, but there was nothing there. Then I realized it was my breath. FML
Today, I planned my own wedding down to the very last detail, including favours for my guests, the sweets buffet and the bouquet of flower brooches I want. Too bad I'm still single. FML
Today, the toilet at my apartment still hasn't been fixed. I have to straddle the bathtub for number 1's and go to Walmart for 2's. FML
Today, my headphones were broken, so I fixed them with Super Glue. Without thinking, I stuck them in my ear and listened to some music. When it came time to take them out, I couldn't. FML
Today, I was woken up by my own fart. FML
Today, I was watching a horror movie with my girlfriend. Suddenly, the killer jumped on screen. My girlfriend screamed. I pissed myself. FML
Today, I was giving a class presentation, when I suddenly sneezed so hard I wet myself. FML
Today, I got a ticket. The officer's daughter is my ex. He gave me a ticket for 31 in a 30 mph zone. FML
Today, after waiting to get home to go to the bathroom, my six year old neighbor popped out and literally scared the shit out of me. FML
Today, I laughed so hard my milk went out my nose in front of the boy I liked. Then, since I was laughing so hard about that, I accidentally farted. FML
Today, my dog accidentally crapped on her leash. When I flicked the leash to get the poo off, it went flying. Have you ever had warm poo hit you in the face on a cold day when there's 6 inches of snow on the ground? I have. FML
Today, I helped a "blind" man across the street. He kindly said thank you and patted me on the back. Then, I went into a store and realized my wallet was missing. FML
Today, I woke up because I really had to pee. I got out of bed, went to the bathroom and went back to bed. Or so I thought. I did pee, but I only dreamed that I got out of bed. FML
Today, I started biting my nails, before I realized I'd forgotten to wash my hands after taking a massive dump. FML
Today, I was eating a hotdog. My huge Siberian Husky, upon becoming aware of this, jumped up on me. He forced his tongue into my mouth and ate the food I was in the middle of eating. FML
Today, I learned that even though they say that an apple a day keeps the doctor away, it doesn't keep him from putting a Q-tip up your ass. FML
Today, I got home early from work. When I got home I got to see my dad chasing my mom around the house, naked. FML
Today, I met my boyfriend's parents. I hope my charm and smile was enough for them to forgive me for not wearing pants. FML
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