Today, I walked in on my sister sitting on the toilet, trying to use "The Force" to pull over the toilet paper roll sitting on the sink. FML
Today, my crush grabbed my butt while I was walking up the stairs. In surprise I farted. He won't even look me in the eyes now. FML
Today, this girl I liked made her Facebook status "Nobody texts me anymore, message me numbers?" I commented that I texted her. She deleted it and changed it to "Nobody that I care about texts me anymore, message me numbers?" FML
Today, while I was peacefully sleeping, I felt a hand suddenly slap my forehead. Then fingers began to press against my mouth, then nose, then eyes. I finally woke up to my girlfriend laughing hysterically. She'd confused me with her clock-radio. FML
Today, as I was pulling into my driveway, I hit my fence. The same fence that I had repaired last week because I had run into it. FML
Today, when I excitedly announced to my mother-in-law that I was pregnant, she looked at me with a blank expression and asked me who the father was. She's 45. She's not senile or suffering from dementia, but apparently just suffering from being a chronic bitch. FML
Today, I found out if I refuse my boyfriend anything in public, he will continually yell out, "Penis!" until he gets his way. FML
Today, I anxiously waited 8 hours for an important phone call. The phone rang while I was sitting on the toilet. FML
Today, I had to sit through 10 minutes of hearing a man on the tram tell his friend in explicit detail about all the filthy sex acts he'd like to do to me. His friend told him to take a photo to jack off to later. When I tried to tell the tram driver, he told me to "take it as a compliment." FML
Today, I found out that when you are sitting on a full bench at a bus stop, some crazy person will come sit on you. FML
Today, I got bored looking at porn. FML
Today, it's -20°C outside. Half way through my thirty minutes walk to work, my boss pulled up beside me in her car, said "You look cold. I'll see you at work." And then drove away. FML
Today, I didn't have plans on shaving my pubic hair. My girlfriend's braces thought otherwise. FML
Today, my husband bleached his hair so, "our future kids will have blond hair too." I'm already married to this guy. FML
Today, my mom told me to clean the house up because she wants to make good impression on the cleaning lady. FML
Today, I cut my finger with a plastic knife while demonstrating that you can't cut yourself with a plastic knife. FML
Today, my son sprayed our white couch with Febreze. This would have been great, were the "Febreze" not actually black spray paint. FML
Today, I got stuck in a revolving door. FML
Today, I got a parking ticket for parking in my neighbors' parking spot. I parked there because my neighbors were parked in my parking spot. FML
Today, I took off my sweatshirt in the middle of class. The tanktop I was wearing underneath went with it. FML
Today, I had to change my mobile number because I was getting abuse from a guy, so I sent my new number to all of the people on my contact list. Including him. FML
Today, I woke up to one of my hamsters cannibalizing the other. FML
Today, I found out that the money my husband and I gave to my son for university courses, has instead been spent on pole dancing lessons. FML
Today, I was babysitting. Everything was going well until the kid called 911 on me for making him eat his vegetables. FML
Today, while I was eating lunch at work, I practically had a panic attack because I'd forgotten to feed my Neopet. FML
Today, I had to ask my boyfriend to stop measuring his penis during our conversation. FML
Today, my grandma seemingly decided that it was a really nice day to put my cat in the dryer. FML
Today, the only thing that cheered me up was a documentary about IKEA, and seeing how my furniture was made. FML
Today, someone caused over $400 worth of damage by breaking into my car, just to steal $8 worth of beer. FML
Today, I downloaded an application that notifies me when my phone is fully charged. I had no idea how it actually functions, but I plugged the charger in and went to bed. A couple of hours later, I woke up to a man's voice screaming, "I can't take it anymore!" I nearly wet myself. FML
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