Miss Winsted MN, America 32 years-old In a relationship
Today, my boyfriend got upset after I politely asked him to do the laundry. He takes every chance he gets to act macho and brag to people about how he's in the Marines, but apparently he is too much of a pussy to act like a man and clean his own clothes. FML
Today, I have the stomach flu. If my belly growls, I have 30 seconds or less to get to the bathroom. I can't go to the doctor for fear of shitting my pants on the trip there. FML
Today, after three days of getting stared at by my neighbour from the window, I realized that she wasn't alive anymore. FML
Today, I found out that the gentle, adorable oral surgeon who took out my wisdom teeth last year was recently arrested for rape. FML
Today, my friend and his girlfriend got in a fight while drunk and he started walking home. While driving around looking for him, I accidentally hit him with my car. FML
Today, my girlfriend refered to her vagina as a meat wallet, and to my penis as small change. FML
Today, I helped myself to a small glass of cocktail from the fridge, not realising it was alcoholic. I told my mom what happened. She made me drink salty water until I vomited so I wouldn't get "alcohol poisoning". I'm 19. FML
Today, my mom, who is relatively new to Facebook, posted on her friend's wall, telling her about her recent diagnosis of vaginal thrush. She assumed that her wall post was private. Six of my friends liked the post. FML
Today, I dressed up as Santa Claus for my employees' children. After seeing all the others, my daughter's turn arrived. She sat on my lap, put her lips to my ear, and whispered softly: "I want a new dad." FML
Today, while I was putting up Christmas lights, my younger brother wouldn't stop pestering me. It seems he hadn't forgotten the time I gave myself an electric shock last year, and he wanted to see if I'd do it again. FML
Today, my girlfriend broke up with me while placing her order. I work as a Drive-Thru cashier at McDonalds. FML
Today, a man tried to rob the winery I worked at by knife-point. I managed to scare him off by throwing a bottle of wine at him. My boss fired me because I broke a $25 bottle of wine. FML
Today, I played Taboo with my boyfriend and my conservative family. It was my boyfriend's turn and his word was "cherry". His only clue to me was, "I popped your..." He was the only one who found it funny. FML
Today, I went to the doctor for a check up, having had a head injury a week ago and suffering some memory loss. Turns out, the medicine he gave me for my head has memory loss as a side effect. He then said, "I told you. Don't you remember?" After I said no, he said, "I figured." and giggled. FML
Today, my boyfriend was disgusted because I dropped a Skittle on the floor and ate it. He thought peeing on me in the shower was just fine. FML
Today, I was having a rough day and decided to go out for a walk at 1 a.m. to clear my head. I ended up being driven home by two cops, who thought I was prostituting myself at the truck stop. When we arrived, they had a nice conversation with my parents. FML
Today, the girl I've had a crush on for years asked if I could be her "emergency gay friend." The worst part? I said yes. FML
Today, while I was watching TV, my boyfriend took my unicorn pillow pet and made it hump my arm. I told him to stop acting like a child. He replied, "Children don't have sex like this," and started making sex noises while making the pillow pet hump my arm faster and harder. FML
Today, I was watching porn when I heard my mom call for me. I closed my laptop right as she walked in my room. The sound, however, kept going. FML
Today, while my boyfriend was packing for his annual hunting trip, I saw him slip a box of condoms into his bag. FML
Today, my parents bought purity rings for my twin brother and me for our birthday, and had them blessed by our priest. Neither of us are virgins. FML
Today, I farted in front of my husband for the first time in 26 years. He told our kids over email, and now they won't shut up about it. FML
Today, I was fired from my job on account of "sexual harassment" toward female employees. The harassment? Jokingly offering them foot massages when they were complaining about how their feet ached after a long shift, and complimenting them about their appearance when they felt down. FML
Today, I took my kids to the mall to see Santa. While waiting in line, my eldest got bored and loudly complained, "I don't know why we're here. Santa's not even real." I don't think any of the kids within a hundred feet took the news very well. FML
Today, I noticed that my facial hair had grown by an acceptable amount. I spoke to my Dad and decided to show him, thinking he would approve of my manliness. His exact words when I showed him were, "Nah, son. You just look like a lesbian." FML
Today, my husband and I got into an argument. I tried to assault him with a laptop. He yelled, "Don't hit me with the computer." My apartment neighbor yelled through the wall, "Do what you gotta do, girl." FML
Today, I found that when a hot girl asks you whether you have a girlfriend, saying, "I got 99 problems but a bitch ain't one" is not the best way to proceed. FML
Today, I started at my new waitressing job. Our uniforms have the name of the restaurant on the left chest pocket. My first customer asked me what the other boob was called. FML
Today, I discovered that the word 'randy' means 'horny' in England. I'm going to England next semester to study abroad. My name is Randy. FML
Today, I got kicked in the crotch by a horse in my backyard. I don't own a horse. FML
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