West Covina, United States 34 years-old Single
Today, my dog received a Christmas card before I did. FML
Today, my husband is completely convinced that his taking a massive dump after being constipated is exactly like the time I gave birth to our twins. FML
Today, my teacher compared the female reproductive system to Shrek's head. Never again will I be able to watch the movies. FML
Today, I found a piece of rice in my belly button. I can't remember the last time I ate or handled rice. FML
Today, I found out I have a daughter. How did I find out? She added me on Facebook. FML
Today, I received my first Valentine's day present ever: a dead mouse from my cat. FML
Today, I found out that my best friend pays my boyfriend to this day to take me out. FML
Today, a picture fell off of the wall in the middle of the night. It hit me smack bang in the middle of face. FML
Today, I got stuck in my apartment's garbage chute. FML
Today, my step-mom yelled at me for an hour, calling me a slut because our male dog saw me naked. FML
Today, my Dad told me that I was named after the dog he accidentally shot in the head as a teenager. FML
Today, after church, my 5-year-old son asked me about God, so I answered his questions in full. We talked about God for over 2 hours. At the end of it all, he pondered for a moment, before saying to me, "That's the stupidest thing I ever heard. You're dumb." FML
Today, I finally weighed myself after going on a strict diet of only fruits, vegetables, and coffee. I gained weight. FML
Today, the Vuvuzela that my brother ordered online was delivered to our house. FML
Today, I found out that my boyfriend is only staying with me for the present I promised him for his birthday. FML
Today, I decided to wax my own eyebrows with a Do It Yourself kit from the pharmacy. I'm now missing half of my right eyebrow. FML
Today, I got grounded because I have a picture on facebook in which I'm touching the crotch of a cardboard cut-out of Obama. My parents insist the FBI will see that and I'll end up in jail. My parents are crazy. FML
Today, I put a tampon in. The string broke. I had to go to the hospital to get it out. FML
Today, I got circumcised. After the surgery, my girlfriend got drunk and texted all of her friends about it. FML
Today, my job application for McDonald's was rejected. This is the second time. FML
Today, my grandmother gave me rosary beads for my birthday. She told me I'd better start praying for a husband. FML
Today, I got punched in the face by a girl for asking if she was okay after I had seen her crying. FML
Today, I asked my mom why she decided to be a parent. She replied, in all seriousness, "Everyone else was doing it." FML
Today, I received a 7-page text message during school from my mom yelling at me because I ate her cereal. FML
Today, I got my first university math midterm back. I did so bad that my teacher put a sadface on the first page. FML
Today, I failed to get my driver's licence. My father was the instructor. FML
Today, I received an overdue bill for my now nonexistent car that caught fire in July. FML
Today, I used my AA handbook as a beer coaster. FML
Today, a neighbor called the cops on me and my friends because we were "starting a fire" in the backyard. We were using a barbecue. FML
Today, I unclogged a toilet. With my hand. For the second time this week. FML
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