alpal264

Today, a stoned man tried to break into my house. Naked. FML

Today, the only person who wished me a happy birthday is the policeman who checked my identity card for being "suspiciously gangster-like". FML

Today, my doctor told me I should consider a breast reduction. I'm a man. FML

Today, I was in a restroom sitting on the toilet, when the guy right next to me noticed my AC/DC boxers around my ankles and started to sing "Back in Black." FML

Today, my recently ex-girlfriend's mother called me regarding her baby girl, saying, "If you mess with the chicklet, you mess with the momma hen." I have no idea what the hell this means for my future, but I'm a bit scared. FML

Today, I found out my roommate spits the mouthwash back into the bottle after he gargles. FML

Today, I was visiting family in Oregon. I did not know it was illegal to pump your own gas; the cops were involved. FML

Today, my wife bought a strap-on. I'm about fifty miles beyond terrified. FML

Today, I woke up next to my girlfriend, but in fact, it wasn’t her. FML

Today, I'm 20 and I'm going bald. FML

Naturewatch

Today, I thought I saw a woodchuck far out in my yard. I wanted to take a cool picture of it so I slowly crept closer and closer to it. I spent half an hour sneaking up on a log. FML

Today, I tried to break up with my boyfriend. He said no. FML

Today, I went to a funeral for my coworker's father. While there, my dad's cell phone rang and he left to answer it. I turned to my brother and said, "I can't believe he brought his cell phone!" He whispered, "I can't believe he's got coverage. This is a dead zone!" I laughed loudly. At a funeral. FML

Today, my mum hit me with her car as she was backing out of the driveway, hitting my leg, and crushing my bike. For the third time this year. FML

Today, I discovered that I don't have Herpes or genital warts. I have acne on my penis. FML

Today, I learned to check inside the oven before you preheat it. Sometimes children hide their pet rabbit in there. FML

Today, I realized that I can't shave my unibrow because I have too much acne on my forehead. FML

Procrastination

Today, I had to take a dump. While looking for a book to read, I sneezed. The force of the sneeze caused me to shit my pants. The glob of dung then ran down my leg before falling out of my shorts onto my carpet, all in less than 5 seconds. Nothing in my life has prepared me for this. FML

Today, I cut my finger open with a spoon. After waiting for 4 hours in the emergency room, the doctor told me I was missing too much flesh to qualify for stitches. He then called 2 other doctors in to examine it. Apparently they had a contest for patient with most ridiculous injury. I won. FML

Close encounter

Today, I flew a toy helicopter into my face. FML

Today, I found out that my girlfriend had replaced our picture in her locket for a picture of Taylor Lautner shirtless. FML

Today, I had to explain to my son that his dad was too busy in a raid on World of Warcraft to be at his award ceremony. FML

Today, my boss asked me if I could work on Valentine's Day because there was no chance of me having a date. She's right. FML

Today, I grounded my daughter for putting play doh in the toaster. She's 17 and got into Columbia early admissions. FML

Experimentation

Today, I tried to see if you can kick yourself in the nuts. You can. FML

Today, my boss told me that if I didn't become his neighbor on Farmville I wouldn't have a job. I laughed. He didn't. FML

Today, I realized that not only am I still an unpublished author, but I can't even get an FML posted after submitting several in the last year. FML

Today, I accidentally rear-ended an undercover police car. FML

I'm a loser baby

Today, I got called a "loser" by an old man wearing pink flip-flops and riding a purple moped. FML

Today, I walked into my bedroom, only to find out that my bed is missing. I have no idea where it is. FML