alpal264

Today, my cat died in the process of eating, and choking on, my hamster. FML

Today, my pet fish died because my drunk father microwaved it. FML

Today, I met my new neighbor. His wi-fi access point is named "TheRapistDownstairs." FML

They're after us!

Today, my mom was convinced that the lawn gnomes we bought from Wal-Mart were secretly conspiring to kill us. FML

Today, this girl who has been stalking me for almost 7 months sent me a 12 page text comparing her love for me with her passion for cheese. FML

Today, I applied to live in a barn. FML

Today, I walked into my dorm to find my roommate and his friends using my bass clarinet to smoke weed. FML

Today, I realized that I can tell how long it has been since I have been with a guy, by the length of my leg hair. FML

OK?

Today, I learned that the only reason most of my students come to my lectures is that they have a running bet on how many times I say "OK" in two hours. It was 137 last week. FML

Ain't it funky

Today, I cleaned my toilet. I had forgotten it was white. FML

Remember when conspiracy theories were fun?

Today, my wife is totally convinced that she was abducted by aliens last night, all because she fell out of bed. FML

Today, I added "a road sign" to my ever-growing list of "Things which have hit my car as a result of the wind." FML

Poetry in politics

Today, I drank a fifth of vodka before I took my political science final. My professor later called me to tell me that I had written "Obama is a beautiful chocolate man" to every essay question. FML

Today, after my roommate decided to become a vegetarian, her new food choices are making her pass deadly, nauseating gas all night. We have a busted window that won't open. I'm afraid I may not live to see tomorrow morning. FML

Today, our Christmas tree was damaged beyond repair after my son and his friends borrowed it for a little experiment. They tied balloons to the branches and tried to make it fly, after seeing a similar video online. FML

Today, I went down on my boyfriend for the first time. Afterwards, he laid on the bed, silent and naked in the fetal position, I had to sit there stroking his head for an hour. I think I raped my boyfriend. FML

Today, I was working at the mall as Santa, when a little girl took a shit in my lap. FML

Today, I had to convince my girlfriend that, no matter how much she makes herself burp, she won't lose any weight. She still doesn't understand why. FML

Today, my husband changed the voice on my car's GPS to Mr T's. I don't know how to change it back. I've been saying, "I pity the fool" over and over again ever since. FML

Keep it down

Today, a Karate dojo opened under my apartment. It's like living in a Bruce Lee movie. FML

Today, I went to eat the orange I'd brought to work, but couldn't find it. After minutes searching, I found it. Nailed to the ceiling. FML

No thanks

Today, my downstairs neighbor had a home birth. Not only did I hear eighteen hours of uninterrupted screaming, they called me afterwards to ask if I could come over to help them clean up. FML

Today, my cat vomited violently. I can smell it but I can't find it. FML

Today, stepping on a scale for the first time in years, I had to lift up my stomach to see the number. FML

Today, my mother sold my extensive Star Wars collection, and I cried when I found out. I'm 46. FML

Today, two American guys attacked me for not speaking their language. I'm from England, and they said I'm speaking my own language wrong. FML

Today, I discovered that for the last six months my mother has been leaving my TV on FOX while I sleep, in the hope that my subconscious will absorb it and turn me into "a morally-upright human being". FML

Today, I found out the hard way what it sounds like when you take the first letter of my first name, A, and put it with my last name, Hole. FML

Today, I somehow managed to slam my trumpet case closed on my nipple. FML

Today, my five-year-old daughter told me she was going to throw up. I told her to rush to the bathroom. I followed her a few seconds later, only to find her sitting on the toilet and vomiting onto the floor. FML