West Covina, United States 34 years-old Single
Today, I had a parent-teacher conference with my 8 year old son. He'd written "Chuck Norris" as the answer for every question on his test. FML
Today, I got a boner in the MRI machine while my pelvic bone was being scanned. FML
Today, on my 18th birthday, my mom told me the man I thought was my father for 18 years was actually not my father, and my real father was in prison for murder. FML
Today, at a hard rock concert, a bunch of guys accidentally knocked down a port-a-potty while moshing. I was inside that port-a-potty. FML
Today, I found out that the girl I've been dating online for over three months is actually a very bored 14-year-old boy. FML
Today, I noticed I have to lift up my fat to see my penis. FML
Today, I went to my 7 year old son's school for a conference with his teacher. When I got there, the teacher said "she adored me for who and what I am". I was puzzled. Turns out my son told his class that I am a "lesbian American." Wrong. I'm Lebanese-American. FML
Today, I learned that walking on the sidewalk does not mean that you will not be hit by a car. FML
Today, my daughter turned 11. Since she LOVES Harry Potter, I decided to write her an acceptance letter to Hogwarts. When she saw the letter, she screamed and showed me. When she found out I wrote it, she told me she hated me, started crying, and stepped on my foot. FML
Today, I found out that my brother was selling pictures of me showering. For what? World of Warcraft money. FML
Today, I got my first tattoo. It's a large broadsword which runs the length of my spine. I went home to show it off, only to learn that the hilt on my neck looks just like a penis when the rest of it is covered with my shirt. FML
Today, I saw an adorable girl at the bar and I went to talk to her. I decided to use my cheesiest pick up line to make her laugh. After I said it, she knew who I was. It was my cousin I hadn't seen in 8 years. FML
Today, I woke up and found that someone had taken a dump on my car. They'd apparently felt bad about it, as they'd then keyed "sorry" into the door. FML
Today, I witnessed my drunk grandmother attempting the Single Ladies dance, complete with hip gyrations and ass slapping. FML
Today, I tried to quit my job. My boss just looked at me and said, "No. You can't quit." FML
Today, one of my employees lit my tie on fire. FML
Today, I was woken up by my own fart. FML
Today, a really hot guy smacked my ass. I farted. FML
Today, I found out my little sister is a pyromaniac. She set my bed on fire. FML
Today, I bullied a kid at school, just so someone would talk to me. FML
Today, my cat brought yet another chipmunk into our house. She never kills them, so they stay in our house until we either capture them or they escape. So far, she's brought in three squirrels, four chipmunks, four mice, and a snake. FML
Today, I found out that I'm named after my dad's favourite drink. FML
Today, I got mugged by someone wearing a bear suit. FML
Today, my wife changed her facebook status from "married" to "widowed". I'm scared. FML
Today, in math class, I had the urge to fart. I had the bright idea that if I dropped my textbook and farted at the same time, nobody would hear it. I dropped my textbook, everyone looked at me, then I farted. Loudly. FML
Today, I walked four blocks with toilet paper hanging out of my pants. FML
Today, I was helping my friend create an online dating profile. When she got her search results, her #1 match was a blonde guy only 10 miles from her. His description: genuine, laid back, and ready for fun. He left off something kind of important. He's already married. To me. FML
Today, my father made his bellybutton talk. In front of my new boyfriend. FML
Today, I realized it is now considered normal and routine that my boyfriend wets the bed after a night of drinking. FML
Today, I went on a movie date with a guy. He brought his mom. FML
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