West Covina, United States 34 years-old Single
Today, feeling so depressed to the point of having suicidal thoughts, I texted a girl I had a crush on. Her response? "Can you please delete my number, you're getting annoying." FML
Today, I hit my boss's car. It's only my second day on the job. FML
Today, it was my first day as a promoted manager. I got fired for being late. FML
Today, I realized that every day without fail, the muffins I've been making and giving to my husband for work have been hitting speeding cars' windshields. FML
Today, on the way to work, I was punched in the balls by a complete stranger. FML
Today, I got snowed in. At work. FML
Today, while playing with my cat, she decided to give me a surprise nipple piercing with her claws. FML
Today, I decided to play a friendly game of Clue with my family. This resulted in one kid crying, one dad with a broken nose, two broken plates and a trip to Walmart to get a new Clue game. FML
Today, my extremely superstitious girlfriend called me and said she couldn't make it to the date I had planned tonight. Her reason? "I sense something horrible is going to happen." I was planning to propose. FML
Today, my girlfriend called me to pick her up from jail. She'd been arrested for indecent exposure. FML
Today, as I went into my calculus class, the teacher announced that someone had received a negative grade on the test we were getting back. I laughed and said, "Which f*cker managed to get a negative?" Turns out I'm the dumbass. FML
Today, I finally got a reply to the letter to a celebrity that I had to write for my English class. It was a restraining order. FML
Today, I woke up to a bloody nose. Instead of rushing to the bathroom, I creatively dripped the blood over a knife for photography class because the assignment was to show emotion. So many of the students and faculty were disturbed that I'm now forced to talk to the school psychologist. FML
Today, my boyfriend fed me chocolate chip cookies with laxatives in them because he was concerned I did not poop enough. FML
Today, my mom told me that she was selling my favorite thing in the world, my trombone. The only thing that I'm good at is the trombone. FML
Today, I found out my friends call me 'Shamu the whale' behind my back. FML
Today, I realised how poor I am when I found myself fishing out a two dollar coin someone had left behind in a public toilet bowl. FML
Today, I learned that if I don't clean out the litter box everyday, my cat will resort to shitting in the laundry basket. FML
Today, I finally decided to tell my parents I was a lesbian. They spent the next few hours reading me the bible. FML
Today, I was at a grocery store with my 3 year old son. As I was picking a cereal out, an older man comes over and says, "You should have used condoms. What an ugly boy." FML
Today, I found that the love of my life is 3.5 inches, fully erect. My cell phone is bigger than that. FML
Today, my roommate told me there is some restricted number that keeps calling and waking her up at odd hours of the night. She then says she's getting the police involved to find out who it is because she feels "harassed". I'm the restricted caller calling to wake her up from snoring so loud. FML
Today, I realised that what I had thought was my dad's default state for the past 17 years is actually his drunken state. FML
Today, in order to avoid seeing my ex-girlfriend in class, I changed my schedule for "personal reasons." Apparently she had the same idea and changed her schedule as well. We now have all the same classes together. Before, we had just two. FML
Today, my house was robbed while I sat helplessly on the toilet with violent diarrhoea. I could hear them laughing hysterically. FML
Today, my motorcycle was stolen. If that wasn't bad enough, the thief drove past me. Twice. FML
Today, I had to sell my wedding ring to help me pay for my divorce. FML
Today, I finally found where the awful lingering stench in my house was coming from. My son thought it would be funny to piss in the baby's humidifier. He's 16. FML
Today, I started petting my cousin's Doberman. Now, whenever I stop he growls menacingly. FML
Today, I realized that my pubes are longer than my penis itself. FML
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