alpal264

Repetitive

Today, my girlfriend fell asleep while giving me head. FML

Today, I realized I've been confusing scenes from The Lord of the Rings with American history. FML

Drive-by casualty

Today, as I was walking home from work, I became the victim of a drive-by peanutting. Yes, apparently I'm only worth a bag of nuts. FML

Uh oh

Today, I kicked my dog's toy snake out of my way. Then I realised my dog doesn't have a toy snake. FML

Bad boy

Today, as I was walking my dog, two cute girls from my school were walking towards me on the sidewalk. I thought it would be appropriate to wave and give a smile. My dog thought it would be appropriate to viciously bark at and mount one of the girls. FML

Today, my mother told me it's okay to be a prostitute, as long as I make sure the clients pay a lot. FML

Today, I learned a valuable lesson: Make sure you learn to swim at a very young age, or else you might end up a in a swimming class with a bunch 3 and 4 year-olds, taught by your crush. FML

Today, I found out my 12 year old daughter is going through a bit of an "emotional" stage. I got a call from her school saying she was sitting in the corner at recess trying to cut her wrist. With a plastic spoon. FML

Today, I made a new friend. He seemed pretty cool, until we came to the topic of religion and the ancient alien theory. I'm seemingly now friends with a guy who thinks alien Jesus raped an Earth woman, and we're the resulting cross-breed. FML

Today, I got more happy birthday wishes on my porn account than my Facebook. FML

Today, I dropped off my 19 year old daughter at her first job. It's at a strip club. FML

Nothing better to do

Today, I spent 3 hours trying to read my dog's mind. FML

Today, I dislocated my elbow chasing my cat around the hardwood floors of my house in knee-high socks and wiping out going around a corner. The doctors suggested that I not tell people how it happened. FML

Decisions, decisions

Today, my 27 year-old boyfriend chose playing with Lego over making sweet love to me. FML

Historical accuracy

Today, I had to explain to my 15-year-old son why it wouldn't be a good idea to include a picture of the red Power Ranger in his "Weapons throughout history" project. FML

Today, I realized that something's wrong when you have to go to a mental hospital for a family reunion. FML

Today, my boyfriend finally proposed. His reason? A Las Vegas wedding came up on Groupon. FML

Today, I got so bored that I ordered my DVD drawer from awesomest to non-awesomest. I need a life. FML

Today, I felt manly. I spent almost the entire day peeling paint, power sanding, and applying Spackle for my grandma. Strutting with masculinity, I headed for the shower, only to let out a womanly yelp at a spider hanging at eye level around a corner. Manliness gone. FML

Today, I learned that my mother now refuses to drink anything but bottled water because she actually believes that the government is putting a chemical in tap water that lowers pregnancy rates. She is trying for her 5th child. FML

Today, I gave myself paper cuts on the sides of my mouth while licking the cover of a pudding cup. FML

Today, my eleven year old daughter called me a moron, after I told her she was dead wrong when she claimed that rabbits lay eggs. FML

Turned on

Today, I got sexually excited thinking about what kind of donuts I wanted to get in the morning. FML

Today, some Juggalos mocked me for the way I was dressed. Juggalos giving sartorial advice, really? FML

Today, while looking through my wedding photos, I realised my wife had done a duck face in every single one. FML

Today, I found out the bed I sleep in is the bed I was conceived in. FML

Today, my new dog unburied my old dog and chewed on his bones. FML

Today, I had to explain to a potential client that I wouldn't represent him, because suing his neighbor for calling him a pansy would get us laughed out of court and likely get me disbarred. His response was to get violent and threaten to sue me for violating his civil rights. FML

Today, my boss overheard me singing, "I need a shit, I need a shit" on my way to the bathroom. FML

Today, I rear ended a cop while talking on my cell phone. FML