Miss chewbaccastan, narnia 29 years-old In a relationship
Today, I was talking this pretty religious girl that I like. We were playing a game and I asked her if she could go back in history and meet anyone who would it be. She said Jesus. Without thinking I said "I mean someone that was real." FML
Today, I was working at IHOP serving a table full of drunk idiots. After an hour of taking care of them I went to clean up their mess to find the tip they had left me. On a napkin a girl had wrote "Here's your tip for the night: Don't play leap frog with unicorns." FML
Today, my boyfriend admitted that he'd like to dress me in a squirrel suit and chase me through the forest. This was the surprising result of a discussion on how to spice up our love life. FML
Today, I got mauled by a cat named Mr. Sprinkles. FML
Today, while in bed with my game-obsessed girlfriend, she told me I was a "noob" in bed. FML
Today, my boyfriend and I celebrated our anniversary at the park. I was watching him play around with the wood chips on the ground and thought I saw him making a heart being romantic, so I got on top of the playground to look. Turns out it was the balls of a giant penis, complete with pubes. FML
Today, I was looking down at my chest and noticed the hairs growing upon it. For a 16 year old, it's pretty impressive. It's a shame that I'm a girl though. FML
Today, my boss told me that if I didn't become his neighbor on Farmville I wouldn't have a job. I laughed. He didn't. FML
Today, I reached a new low and embarrassed my entire family. While in the frozen section of Walmart, I dropped to my knees and let out a horrific, agonizing scream, when I found out they were out of Strawberry Toaster Strudels. FML
Today, my boyfriend and I were having sex, when he finished, seemingly angry. He stood there naked complaining for 15 minutes about how our sex sucked. Then he demanded that I dress him, because "it's my fault his clothes were off in the first place". FML
Today, I got mugged by someone wearing a bear suit. FML
Today, I got called a "loser" by an old man wearing pink flip-flops and riding a purple moped. FML
Today, I got bitch-slapped by a walrus at Sea Life Park. FML
Today, my father made his bellybutton talk. In front of my new boyfriend. FML
Today, after doing it with my girlfriend, she told me that she was "faking the whole time, and thinking of talking cupcakes." FML
Today, my cousin came to visit from America. While out shopping, she said loudly that she was having trouble finding clothes to fit around her huge fanny, causing a lot of people to stare in our direction. I had to explain to her that "fanny" in the UK means "vagina." FML
Today, to spice things up a bit, my wife and I were having sex in our kitchen. She was up on the counter and I moved her over to get in a better position. The stove was still hot from dinner, so now my wife has a burn that looks like a double rainbow on her ass. FML
Today, I asked my mom why she decided to be a parent. She replied, in all seriousness, "Everyone else was doing it." FML
Today, I had a wet dream about having sexual relations with a rubber duck. FML
Today, my husband told me the reason he'd been meeting his high school sweetheart behind my back, and lying about where he was was, out of respect for me. He thinks I'm ungrateful for not appreciating the lengths he's gone to to hide this. FML
Today, my boyfriend of three months told me that he had cheated on me two months ago with my best friend. I decided to give him a second chance. About twenty minutes later, he then broke up with me for not wanting to watch football. Apparently I don't care about his feelings. FML
Today, my boyfriend said he wants a Hello Kitty wedding. FML
Today, I asked my boyfriend if I could call him "love muffin". He asked if he could call me "muffin top". FML
Today, on the train, I was bitten by a homeless man. FML
Today, I had to walk three miles home from work. Both my parents were at home. The reason they wouldn't collect me is apparently because I've "gotten so fat, your grandma cried after she saw you". FML
Today, I realised that my husband's vows were actually the love speech from 'When Harry Met Sally'. This was made even more humiliating when I discovered that he hadn't even come up with the idea himself, he had seen it in an episode of Scrubs. FML
Today, while I was in my room sleeping, my little brother deemed it necessary to come in and drop a book on my face. When I sat up with a now bloody nose, he looked at me, pointed, and said "You've just been Facebooked" and ran away giggling. FML
Today, my mom caught me talking to my penis. FML
Today, I finally got the courage to say to my boyfriend that I feel invisible and ignored. To this he said 'You aren't invisible, I mean, look at that nose.' FML
Today, at work I had to convince an 80 year-old mental patient that she's not Ke$ha and that she really has to put her clothes back on. FML
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