Miss
Today, a girl I like came over to my house because I'd promised to help her prepare for a math test. My mom thought it would be funny to put a stack of porn magazines and handcuffs on the table in my room when I went to open the door. FML
Today, I jokingly asked my husband if he had ever cheated on me. In the most sincere and honest tone, he said "if I ever have or ever will, there's no way you would ever find out. I love you too much to lose you", and gave me a hug. FML
Today, waking up I noticed that my female boss had texted me during the night, telling me she wants me bad. I'm a woman, happily married to a man, and now have to turn her down somehow and not get fired in the process. FML
Today, my twin sister sent a nude picture to her boyfriend, who then forwarded it on to everyone else. Everyone else thinks it's me. FML
Today, one of my husband's old college buddies came over for dinner. We reminisced about our college days, and he laughed as he told the story about my husband making up a friend, Marc Deveau, that he'd say he was visiting when he was cheating on his girlfriend. My husband still sees Marc Deveau. FML
Today, while at work, I got a call. They left a voicemail. It was a 7 minute voicemail of the mattress squeaking and my mom screaming my dad's name. I am going to their house for supper tonight. FML
Today, I told my parents that I wanted a little brother. My dad apparently thought it would be funny to tell me that my mom just swallowed my little brother. FML
Today, I had a headache when I woke up for school. I had final exams that day, so I took what I thought were 2 advils. They were two sleeping pills. FML
Today, I arrived home to find my cat dead and note saying, "Sorry, I tripped over him." Not only is my cat dead, but I was robbed by a polite thief. FML
Today, my boyfriend and I were about to have sex. Just as we were ready, his mom called to wish us a happy anniversary. She was so excited for us, she was going to stop by. After throwing out our unused and only spare condom, she called us again and said she was just kidding, and to enjoy ourselves. FML
Today, I text messaged my mom from Afghanistan to let her know everything was okay. She responded, telling me not to message her so much because "the price of text messages really adds up." FML
Today, a guy at work was ranking the girls we work with in the order he'd want to date them. He told me I was 6th "because personality is important, too." FML
Today, I just found out that my ex girlfriend is gonna be my step mother. FML
Today, at work, a little boy shyly told his mom he thought I was cute. I smiled at him as she looked me up and down and said to him, "Eww, honey. No, you do not!" FML
Today, while driving home, I was so lonely I turned on my GPS, even though I knew the way, so it would feel like I had someone to talk to. It made me feel better. FML
Today, I woke up to my new roommate staring at me, just a few inches from my face. She then told me how easy I would be to kill in my sleep. Then she stood up, naked from head to toe. FML
Today, my girlfriend finally got a Facebook account. Too bad she doesn't know the difference between a wall post and a message. She just described how much she enjoyed our sex last night, in great detail. My mom liked it. FML
Today, I was woken up by my family surrounding me with breakfast in bed and "Sweet 16" balloons. My birthday is in 3 months, and I'll be 17. FML
Today, I was informed that due to my cat being aggressive and attacking the postman several times, my mail would no longer be delivered to my address. I don't own a cat. FML
Today, my drunk dad started yelling at my dog for not having a job. FML
Today, I just bought a car with all of my own money. Then, when I brought it home my dad informed me that my mom will be driving it to work every day. FML
Today, my son's homework was to write a story about what he wants to be when he grows up. He wrote that he plans on being unemployed and living at home until we throw him out, then he'll live under a bridge. He's only 12, but already planning for a future as an unemployed bum. FML
Today, my 15 year-old girlfriend called to tell me she is pregnant. Her dad is ex-military, and makes a point of cleaning his guns every time I go to her house. FML
Today, my boyfriend and I came across the topic of school while chatting. He asked me what high school I went to and where I moved from. I have lived here my whole life, he was my crush for four years, and was in my classes throughout those years. He doesn't believe me. FML
Today, my asshole of a roommate finally decided to move out. Not only did he take his belongings with him, he took some of mine as well. Including my dog. FML
Today, I finally realized the reason my son's grades have been dropping so much. Every time I drop him off at his tutor's house, they play Call of Duty until I pick him up. FML
Today, over a year on from my parents telling me my dog had died, I went to the shelter to volunteer, and saw my old dog. FML
Today, I was stuck in a room with a man who was catching flies. That I could cope with, until he insisted on turning the lights out because it was 'stressing out' his flies. FML
Today, a hooker refused my custom. According to her, "Even whores have standards." FML
Today, I came in to work looking very tan. I took Friday off to go to a friend's funeral, which was outdoors, and I tan very easily. Now my boss and everyone else thinks I lied about my friend's death to get off work on a Friday. FML
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