Today, I finished a 50-page term end thesis essay on the history of Russia. Looking over the final requirements once more, I find I made just a tiny little mistake. It was supposed to be a thesis on "Prussia". The paper's due tomorrow. FML
Today, after waiting to get home to go to the bathroom, my six year old neighbor popped out and literally scared the shit out of me. FML
Today, after 22 years of perfect skin, I woke up with a bunch of angry zits on my nose. I used a clay face mask that was supposed to dry them out. Instead, they were bigger and green. Today is Valentine's day, I finally have a guy to go out with, and my nose looks like it's rotting off. FML
Today, it was nice out, so I drove with my car windows down. I was stopped trying to turn onto a busy highway, when a car turned off the highway right next to me, hit a pothole, and splashed dirty water into my window and into my open mouth. FML
Today, I went to IHOP for breakfast. As we were leaving, I realized a little girl took my Hello Kitty hairclip. For the next 5 minutes, I fought with an 8 year-old for a hairclip. She won. FML
Today, at a family dinner, my new husband compared deciding to marry me to buying a used car. Some of the similarites included looking under the hood and finding out how many previous owners there were. FML
Today, was my girlfriend's birthday. I planned it to perfection: we went shopping, bowling, had lunch in a nice Italian restaurant, watched a French comedy, walked by the river. She also got many presents. Tonight, I was exhausted but happy for her... until she told me her birthday is tomorrow. FML
Today, my car heater finally died. I deliver pizzas. In Alaska. FML
Today, during a drunken night out, a really trashed friend said to me, "Jeez, even when I’m drunk, you're really ugly." FML
Today, I decided to do a word search in my daughter's Hello Kitty coloring book. It took me 30 minutes to find 6 words in a kids coloring book for ages 1 and up. FML
Today, I brought my girlfriend of four months home for dinner to meet my parents. The first thing my mom says to her? "Oh my God, you're real!" FML
Today, I woke up so pissed off that I yelled at my cereal. FML
Today, I noticed my hidden porn folder on my laptop had been renamed to "LOL". I live with my teenage daughter, and no one else. FML
Today, we finally got wireless Internet. My mom won't let us open any doors or windows in fear that it might "let the Internet out". It's 103 degrees in here. FML
Today, I was mistaken for a prostitute. Twice. While in my work uniform. FML
Today, I found out all about my son's secret online double life. He's been moonlighting for two years as a male prostitute by the name of Peter Parker. FML
Today, I bumped into my ex-boyfriend I still love, and his new girlfriend, who he cheated on me with. Embarrassingly, she was wearing the same top as me. However hers was in size 6, unlike my 16. FML
Today, I realized the only reason my boyfriend is dating me is because he has a pimple fetish. FML
Today, my son drew in Sharpie all over the wall, so I spanked him as punishment. When my boss came over for dinner, my son shouted, "Daddy made me take my punishment in the butt." FML
Today, the guy of my dreams told me he liked me and leaned in to kiss me. Just as our lips touched, I ripped a big ass fart. FML
Today, it was my first day at school in the United States. Being from France, my French accent is really strong. After being made fun of all day, I met someone from Montreal. I was so excited and said, "Parlez-vous Français?" And his response? "HUH?!" FML
Today, I tried to stop a teenage boy from entering the woman's bathroom. When he argued with me I had him thrown out. Turns out, according to their parents and driver's license, it was a girl. FML
Today, I bought weed for the first time. The dealer was an undercover cop. FML
Today, while having sex, I told my boyfriend that I loved him. I could feel him go soft inside me. FML
Today, I was getting intimate with my girlfriend. It was going well until she started talking dirty, saying stuff like, "You like my tushy, baby?" "I want to fellate you so bad," and "You'll need some ice after this one." My boner practically retracted into my body. FML
Today, I was babysitting. Everything was going well until the kid called 911 on me for making him eat his vegetables. FML
Today, I found out why teenage boys have "Keep out" and "Please knock" signs on their bedroom doors. FML
Today, two drop dead gorgeous Australians asked me for directions. Being so shocked by their beauty and accents, I couldn't get words out of my mouth. Then one said to the other, "Nope, she doesn't speak English", then walked away. FML
Today, I made a new friend. He seemed pretty cool, until we came to the topic of religion and the ancient alien theory. I'm seemingly now friends with a guy who thinks alien Jesus raped an Earth woman, and we're the resulting cross-breed. FML
Today, I realized the reason my 20-year-old daughter has been so moody and aggressive is because she missed the promotional My Little Pony toys at McDonald's. FML
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