Miss mississauga, canada 30 years-old Single
Today, my boyfriend and I had a threesome. He suggested we have another guy. It ended up devolving into a twosome, and I wasn't part of it. FML
Today, my husband finally returned from his 18-month deployment. Sexually starved, we wasted no time getting busy. Later as we finally cooled off, I got a message from my Aunt. She was hiding in our closet the whole time to surprise us with cake for his safe return. FML
Today, my girlfriend and I were going at it doggy style, really fast, when she started laughing. I asked her what was so amusing and she giggled, "I can't feel anything in there." FML
Today, I finally talked my boyfriend into going down on me. Everything went well until I came and instinctively gripped his head with my thighs. He panicked and we both rolled off of the bed crocodile-style. Now he's too scared to even have sex with me. FML
Today, my boyfriend got out of the shower and tried to hit my forehead with his penis. He slipped and slapped me in the eye with it. FML
Today, I found out through one of my friends that my boyfriend cheated on me. He says it doesn't count as cheating because he couldn't get it up. FML
Today, I learned that no matter how much of a nerd a girl claims to be, she is not ready for you to speak Klingon during sex. FML
Today, my parents kicked me out of the house because they were having a party. They gave me twenty bucks to go see a movie. Well, the movie ended pretty quick, but the trauma of seeing my parents in a swingers' orgy will take some time getting over. FML
Today, while going down on my girlfriend, she stopped moaning and told me to stop because she couldn't fake it anymore. FML
Today, I got my period, and had to rush to my parents' bathroom for some pads. They'd put all our wrapped presents in their bathroom. As I was looking, my dad thought I was opening presents and barged in, only to see me with my pants around my ankles. Now he won't stop laughing. FML
Today, my car was keyed, while I was still sitting in it. FML
Today, I announced my pregnancy to my husband. He responded with, "Well shit, when do these faucets turn on?" and started honking my boobs. FML
Today, I overheard my boyfriend bragging to his friend about finally giving me an orgasm yesterday, but that he got scared because my orgasm face made me look like "a camel having a stroke." FML
Today, my 4-year-old daughter figured out how to set a parental code lock on our television so we can't watch football because it scares her when we scream. She won't tell us no matter what we bribe her with. FML
Today, I was dressing in front of my boyfriend. He was looking at me in wonder and I assumed this was a good thing. Then he muttered, "God damn, you're awkwardly shaped." FML
Today, I was watching TV with my husband, and he started getting frisky. When the commercial break started, we started having sex. When he came, there were still two commercials left before the show resumed. FML
Today, I asked my mom why she had two tooth brushes: one manual and one electric. She said: "I only use the manual one for brushing my teeth." FML
Today, I woke up to my girlfriend masturbating beside me. I asked if she needed a hand. She called me a pervert and now won't speak to me. FML
Today, while visiting my grandparents, my grandpa decided to explain to me the real reason that the old sofa I was sitting on had always been so discolored. He says they were bleach stains left while cleaning up the mess made during my father's conception. FML
Today, I brought up the subject of marriage with my boyfriend. His response was to shoot me with a nerf gun and laugh. FML
Today, as I was taking out the trash, I spotted my cute neighbor doing the same. In a rush to get out before he went back inside, I slipped on my iced-over porch. I passed out and woke up with a note on my chest saying, "I unlocked your door but you were too heavy to drag inside". FML
Today, my boyfriend was playing with my hair, when his hand got caught. He ended up ripping out a handful of hair trying to get it free. FML
Today, I asked my boyfriend if there's a reason why he has never gone down on me. He responded, "Your back door is too close to your front door and it creeps me out." FML
Today, I was depressed because my boobs are really small for a 20 year old woman. To make me feel better my boyfriend said, "As long as they're bigger than mine." They weren't. FML
Today, my boyfriend thought it would be sexy to pick me up and throw me on the bed. I rolled off and broke my collarbone. FML
Today, I admitted to my girlfriend that I'd kissed another girl five days before we got together. She told me, "That's OK, I slept with my boss last week." FML
Today, my boyfriend thought it would be funny to speak Parseltongue to my vagina to "prepare the Chamber of Secrets for entry". FML
Today, I got a message from the girl I like. She told me to never speak to her again and not even look at her any more. Apparently the letter I wrote to her was perverted, vile and nasty. I never wrote her a letter. FML
Today, I found out apparently I sleep walk. My boyfriend has been filming me and uploading it all to Youtube. FML
Today, I was having sex with my girlfriend when she starts laughing and says, "Wow, this is just too funny." FML
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