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Today, my boyfriend called me anti-social. To prove him wrong I texted one of my friends. She texted back, "Who's this??" FML

by Anonymous / 01/04/2013 at 1:18am / United States (Texas) / Miscellaneous

Today, with the most certainty and confidence that I have ever seen in her, my 16-year-old daughter told me an egg is a fruit because of its "hard shell and growing seed." FML

by Failed_Dad / 09/25/2015 at 1:42am / United States (California) / Kids

Today, I went to a conference for work. When I got there I sat beside a woman about my age. She immediately got up and moved to the opposite side of the room. We were the only two there. FML

by Female / 02/11/2010 at 10:32pm / United States / Work

Today, my future mother-in-law told me she thought I was severely allergic to cigarette smoke. That hasn't stopped her from chain-smoking around me for the last 3 years. FML

by Anonymous / 04/10/2012 at 11:49pm / United States (Georgia) / Health

Today, I put my 5 month-old daughter in her swinging chair and walked into the kitchen to make her a bottle. When I came back, she was giggling because the dog was licking her face. It would have been cute, picture worthy even, if I actually had a dog. FML

by lolmyfduplife / 12/24/2015 at 1:10am / Animals

Today, I went on a date with a man I met on Halloween. It appears that his mullet wasn't actually part of his costume. FML

by Anonymous / 11/03/2009 at 9:12am / United States (Montana) / Intimacy

Today, I tried to get over my childhood phobia of syringes by donating blood. The phlebotomist hadn't even touched the needle before I started sobbing hysterically. They made me leave. FML

by Anonymous / 09/27/2010 at 3:03am / United States (Virginia) / Health

Today, after some great sex, my boyfriend mused: "You know, from this position, I could punch you in the cunt and you wouldn't be able to stop me." I could only relax when he finally fell asleep nearly an hour later. FML

by Anonymous / 08/23/2015 at 10:03am / United States (North Carolina) / Health

Today, my 19 year old brother called me a moron and told me to go read a book, after I corrected him when he said girls don't have colons. FML

by Anonymous / 10/10/2015 at 11:54pm / Canada (Quebec) / Kids

Today, while visiting family in Taipei, I came across a large button that said "PUSH" on it. I was curious and pushed it. A deafening alarm then sounded for the next 10 minutes, attracting concerned neighbours and finally a security guard who informed me that I'd pushed a panic button. FML

by whoops / 07/08/2015 at 12:30pm / Taiwan / Holidays

Today, I took my driving test. Completing the test, we returned and parked at the testing facility. As my tester was complimenting me, I leaned down to wind my window up, catching my long hair in the window. Frantically thrashing, I put the car in drive and floored it into a concrete wall. FML

by Anonymous / 04/14/2009 at 1:17pm / United States (Illinois) / Transportation

Today, my dog wanted to go upstairs, but she has stitches and was having trouble. So I carried her to the top, at which point she peed all over my carpet. FML

by raven_teen_titan / 03/04/2012 at 12:51am / United States (California) / Animals

Today, someone posted online a listing for a bicycle for sale, and accidentally put my phone number instead of their own. I have received more calls in one day than I have from friends and family in a week. FML

by wrongnumber / 01/14/2011 at 3:37am / United States / Miscellaneous