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Today, I got a new cat for my birthday. It ate my bird right when we got home, then it ran away. FML

by KornyKid / 02/21/2016 at 3:01am / United States (California) / Animals

Today, after watching the news, I realized the only person who has ever wished that I had a good day, or wished that I had anything pleasant for that matter, is Charlie Gibson on World News Tonight. FML

by newscomes / 10/14/2009 at 7:06pm / United States (New York) / Miscellaneous

Today, I was reading a blog post by a girl that I really like. In the post, it said, "I know I'm not beautiful." I told her that I thought it wasn't true at all. She responded by crying hysterically and asking me why I would say that. It turned out that it actually said, "I know I'm beautiful." FML

by Arran / 04/09/2011 at 8:24pm / United Kingdom (Stoke-on-Trent) / Love

Today, my dog wanted to go upstairs, but she has stitches and was having trouble. So I carried her to the top, at which point she peed all over my carpet. FML

by raven_teen_titan / 03/04/2012 at 12:51am / United States (California) / Animals

Today, after some great sex, my boyfriend mused: "You know, from this position, I could punch you in the cunt and you wouldn't be able to stop me." I could only relax when he finally fell asleep nearly an hour later. FML

by Anonymous / 08/23/2015 at 10:03am / United States (North Carolina) / Health

Today, I found out I'm allergic to mosquito repellent. I fly out on a two month trip to India on Saturday. FML

by Anonymous / 10/07/2015 at 10:31pm / United States (Utah) / Health

Today, while visiting family in Taipei, I came across a large button that said "PUSH" on it. I was curious and pushed it. A deafening alarm then sounded for the next 10 minutes, attracting concerned neighbours and finally a security guard who informed me that I'd pushed a panic button. FML

by whoops / 07/08/2015 at 12:30pm / Taiwan / Holidays

Today, I tried to get over my childhood phobia of syringes by donating blood. The phlebotomist hadn't even touched the needle before I started sobbing hysterically. They made me leave. FML

by Anonymous / 09/27/2010 at 3:03am / United States (Virginia) / Health

Today, my little brother found the singing Santa Claus from last year, and it still works. I'm now going to be hearing nothing but "We WISH you a MERRY CHRISTMAS!" for the next 20 days. FML

by Anonymous / 12/06/2010 at 5:16pm / United Kingdom (Wiltshire) / Kids

Today, I was woken up to the crushing of my balls after my 5-year-old son thought it would be the best way to wake me up. FML

by jjjjjohn cena / 08/12/2015 at 9:44pm / United States (Nebraska) / Kids

Today, I was taking a piss when a fly landed inside the urinal. I thought it would be funny to try to aim and pee on it until it flew away and I stupidly continued aiming, peeing all over the floor and the wall. Another man came in time to see it. FML

by Anonymous / 01/13/2014 at 2:34am / United States (Hawaii) / Miscellaneous

Today, I'm hiding from my creepy next-door neighbor. She constantly trash-talks my partner of two years, she's mentally unstable, looks to me for support, has a raging crush on me, and she drunkenly tried to make out with me last weekend. I'm two months older than her daughter. FML

by Creeped / 09/27/2012 at 4:19am / United States / Miscellaneous

Today, my parents asked if I wanted to go to military school so i said "yeah that would be awesome," thinking it was a joke. They weren't joking. FML

by AlienZ / 04/11/2009 at 10:44pm / United States (Virginia) / Miscellaneous