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  • - Concept: An anecdote always starts with Today and ends with FML. There are no taboo subjects, feel free to express yourself.
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Today, I learned that no matter how much you want the Nutella, it's never a good idea to deep-throat the knife. FML

#21073034
189 comments

I agree, your life sucks (17326) - you deserved it (55141)

On 02/27/2014 at 9:34am - misc - by Anonymous (woman) - United States (Colorado)

Today, I got up at 8am and didn't take a shower so I could hear the postman at the door. He never came. I stink. FML

#14
55 comments

I agree, your life sucks (17321) - you deserved it (70815)

On 10/13/2008 at 4:24am - misc - by Anonymous - Australia

Today, I was walking back to my hotel from the town square, and got lost. I turned back and walked around town for an hour, freaking out and panicking. When I finally found the hotel, I realized it was practically a stone's throw from where I was when I turned around. FML

#19313796
53 comments

I agree, your life sucks (17318) - you deserved it (6383)

On 03/20/2012 at 12:50pm - misc - by Anonymous (woman) - Sweden (Orebro Lan)

Today, I learned that before you tell a blonde joke, you should make sure that your high school's 6'8", 275-pound, blond quarterback isn't standing behind you. FML

Today, I overheard someone at the mall telling his friend, "So I'm going in for a brain scan." Trying to be funny, I piped up, "Better hope they find something!" Turns out that had been the end of his sentence, and the scan is to see if his cancer has spread. FML

#21134153
135 comments

I agree, your life sucks (17309) - you deserved it (70071)

On 05/08/2014 at 3:52pm - misc - by Anonymous (woman) - United States (Michigan)

Today, at a mind-numbingly boring support session, everyone was talking about their hardships. One guy was talking about losing his leg in a car accident. I was half-asleep and asked without thinking, "Did you ever find it?" I almost shat my pants at the roomful of death glares that followed. FML

#21389976
86 comments

I agree, your life sucks (17309) - you deserved it (32337)

On 04/08/2015 at 12:08pm - misc - by S to the HIT (man) - United States (California)

Today, I was making out with my girlfriend, and things started getting pretty hot. That is, until I tried to remove her shirt. Somehow, I managed to grab her pajama shorts and give her a violent wedgie. FML

#20154996
90 comments

I agree, your life sucks (17307) - you deserved it (28192)

On 11/08/2012 at 1:25pm - intimacy - by shit.... (man) - Malaysia (Selangor)

Today, I found out why my doctor told me not to mix pain killers with alcohol when I was told that last night I tried to convince a group of teenage tourists that I was one of the nitwits from One Direction, and then got miffed when they laughed at me. FML

#20832639
80 comments

I agree, your life sucks (17305) - you deserved it (35400)

On 08/11/2013 at 7:23pm - health - by JustSayNo - United Kingdom (Surrey)

Today, I changed the C on my report card into a B so that I wouldn't get in trouble with my parents. I spent the entire day perfecting the B's positioning and cut exactly around the edges of the size 10 font and sliced my finger in the process. Turns out, I'm still grounded for getting a B. FML

Today, after my old downstairs neighbor, who would come upstairs to bang on my door and yell at me every time she heard a sound from me at all times of the day, had finally moved out, it became clear that my new downstairs neighbor gets drunk and yells at the TV in the early hours of the morning. FML

#19671930
65 comments

I agree, your life sucks (17302) - you deserved it (1844)

On 05/24/2012 at 8:59am - misc - by howsthisforaname (woman) - United Kingdom (Kingston upon Hull, City of)

Today, I was late for work and took a taxi. The driver tells me he tried to commit suicide recently. I listen to him for 20mins, sat outside my workplace with the meter off. He charges me £5.80 and my boss gives me a warning for being late. FML

#1315
25 comments

I agree, your life sucks (17300) - you deserved it (2672)

On 01/16/2009 at 2:27am - work - by hapless - United Kingdom (London)

Today, my boss forgot her meeting with an official from the military base and called to ask me to handle it. The very cute Marine showed up that afternoon and we talked for an hour. After he left, I realized I had forgotten about the paper mustache I taped to my face for fun that morning. FML

#285039
124 comments

I agree, your life sucks (17298) - you deserved it (69150)

On 03/12/2009 at 4:04pm - misc - by Jaeda (woman) - United States (Washington)

Today, I was taking a dump in the bathroom. The lights turned off and I was too embarrassed to come out of the stall. The janitor walked in, turned the lights on and asked If anyone was there. I stayed quiet. He turned the lights back off and locked me in the bathroom. FML

#20630741
85 comments

I agree, your life sucks (17294) - you deserved it (58408)

On 04/29/2013 at 5:11pm - misc - by random - Canada



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  • It's the weekend so let's plaster on a fake smile and plough through this shit one more time. Sorry, I was channelling Bill Hicks there. I'll start again. Hi everyone, how are you doing? This week…

Friday 29 May 2015

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