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Lower your expectations

By mista_sandy - this FML is from back in 2012 but it's good stuff - Canada - Toronto

Today, a guy asked me out and said he was going to take me to a fancy restaurant where they make the food in front of you. I love Japanese food, so I was really excited. We went to Subway. FML

agreeclassic 37 101

vote type 1 5 941

Busted

By newniece - this FML is from back in 2010 but it's good stuff - United States

Today, my grandpa, a married high school teacher, got arrested for having an inappropriate relationship with a female student. Hearing the news, I called my grandma crying. Not only is he most likely going to jail, but in seven months I will have a new aunt who is eighteen years younger than me. FML

agreeclassic 40 424

vote type 1 2 619

Bad start to the day

By Concussed - this FML is from back in 2010 but it's good stuff - Australia

Today, as I showered, I sneezed, hit my face on the wall, got shampoo in my eyes, slipped on a bar of soap, bashed my head on the wall as I fell, grabbed at the walls to stop me from falling and happened to turn off the cold water, scorching me. FML

agreeclassic 53 060

vote type 1 6 140

How dare you ?!

By Anonymous - this FML is from back in 2011 but it's good stuff - Canada

Today, I noticed a young child wandering out onto a busy street. I managed to grab his arm just as he stepped off the sidewalk and yank him away from almost certain death. My reward was his mother, who was on her cell phone the whole time, screaming at me for touching her child. FML

agreeclassic 38 656

vote type 1 2 582

Surprise visitor

By walker - this FML is from back in 2013 but it's good stuff - United States

Today, we've been dating for over three months, but I went over my girlfriend's house for the first time. As we walked through the door, I was greeted by a little girl whose first words to me were, "Are you my daddy?" FML

agreeclassic 58 156

vote type 1 4 998

Mind melting

By Ashley - this FML is from back in 2013 but it's good stuff - United States - Belmont

Today, a friend thought it would be funny to shove me over; I face-planted. I was going to say "Fuck you" and "I will kill you." It came out as "I will fuck you." He's still laughing. FML

agreeclassic 48 619

vote type 1 8 222

Behave!

By Anonymous - this FML is from back in 2019 but it's good stuff

Today, I told my mom I was going swimming with friends. She told me, in front of them, not to go into the deep end unless there was an adult around because I'm not old enough to swim on my own. I'm 19. FML

agreeclassic 2 366

vote type 1 278

Be warned

By JCC - this FML is from back in 2011 but it's good stuff - United States

Today, I was babysitting a three-year-old. She asked me what was wrong with my belly. I had to explain to her that I'm just fat. Twice. FML

agreeclassic 35 721

vote type 1 13 154

Bad time for a joke

By Demotivation - this FML is from back in 2013 but it's good stuff - Germany

Today, I learned that when a heavily-pregnant friend asks about my progress with the baby socks I promised to knit, it's rather unwise to tell her, "Not to worry, we're set even if it comes out with a few feet too many." She's still crying. FML

agreeclassic 45 292

vote type 1 12 851

Slippy

By Anonymous - this FML is from back in 2019 but it's good stuff

Today, on the bus, water kept dripping on my head so I stood up to move. As I got up, the bus turned round a corner and I fell over into a man's lap. When I tried to get up, I slipped down between his legs and the next seat. FML

agreeclassic 2 016

vote type 1 312

Succession

By Greatgrandpa - this FML is from back in 2014 but it's good stuff - Curacao

Today, my only child introduced his new girlfriend to me. He is 36 and has no children. She is 46 and has a pregnant daughter who she is very close with. I don't know if I'll ever be a grandfather, but in any case, my son is going to be one before me. FML

agreeclassic 33 415

vote type 1 2 975

Oh, hi Sharon!

By graveyard-sh*t - this FML is from back in 2019 but it's good stuff

Today, my psycho ex-girlfriend showed up at my new job to, "Keep an eye on me." The same ex-girlfriend who has been stalking me since we broke up. Two years ago. FML

agreeclassic 2 373

vote type 1 265

Blast from the past

By kjcarey123 - this FML is from back in 2009 but it's good stuff - United States

Today, a fax came in at work for a specific job, and I asked the owner of the company who it was for. He replied, "The round one", so I handed it to our rotund Project Manager. Apparently the owner meant the garbage can, not my fat co-worker. Now I'm the asshole of the office. FML

agreeclassic 20 545

vote type 1 44 858

Right back at ya!

By Anonymous - this FML is from back in 2009 but it's good stuff - United States

Today, I had just got a milkshake with some friends. We were about to drive past my ex's house, so I thought it would be funny to throw the milkshake in his yard. Turns out, if you're going 50mph and try to throw a shake out the window, it comes right back at you. FML

agreeclassic 7 973

vote type 1 105 050

The Boxer

By single - this FML is from back in 2020 but it's good stuff - Canada

Today, I was going to propose to my girlfriend of 3 years. I checked the box with the ring to make sure it was still there, and saw a piece of paper in it. It said, "No." FML

agreeclassic 2 818

vote type 1 310

Clubbing tip

By Anonymous - this FML is from back in 2012 but it's good stuff - United States - Pocatello

Today, I approached a cute girl at a club, and she started barking at me like a rabid dog. Thinking she might be mentally unhinged, I left, only to see the same girl laughing her ass off with her friends minutes later. When I went back over, her friends started barking at me too. FML

agreeclassic 30 075

vote type 1 7 082

Apron strings

By heatherjo - this FML is from back in 2011 but it's good stuff - United States

Today, my fiancé told me he wants to buy an engagement ring for his mother, so that she doesn't feel left out. FML

agreeclassic 45 043

vote type 1 4 001

Assumption

By Anonymous - this FML is from back in 2010 but it's good stuff - Canada

Today, my friend asked me how I did on my test. I got an 85%. She asked me what my secret was, and I said, "I'm just smart." She replied, "No you're not. How did you pull it off?" FML

agreeclassic 29 291

vote type 1 6 779

Hot wheels

By Liam. - this FML is from back in 2010 but it's good stuff - France

Today, I was in an elevator, and the hot girl who lives in my building and who I have a crush on got in. She was in a wheelchair with a broken leg, I panicked and tried to flirt with her, and I said, "Nice chair." She replied, "Nice bruise" and punched me in the nuts. FML

agreeclassic 14 781

vote type 1 52 464

Nice dodge

By UTRejected - this FML is from back in 2014 but it's good stuff - Canada - Toronto

Today, I was selling winter-themed cookies at my university. I cheerfully asked a girl if she would like to buy cookies to support peer tutoring. Her response? "I don't eat food." FML

agreeclassic 34 973

vote type 1 3 980

It wasn't me

By psycho ex - this FML is from back in 2013 but it's good stuff - Brazil

Today, my girlfriend dumped me for cheating on her. Her "proof" was an image of me making out with a girl. Pretty damning, except she loaded it up in Photoshop, where I saw the image layers she'd used to fake the whole thing. I'm not sure what the hell she was thinking either. FML

agreeclassic 60 390

vote type 1 4 057

Red flag

By silver - this FML is from back in 2018 but it's good stuff

Today, while discussing my family on a date, I mentioned that my parents are divorced. She immediately got up and left without a word. FML

agreeclassic 4 356

vote type 1 341

What? WHAT?

By Shannon - this FML is from back in 2009 but it's good stuff - United States

Today, while at a hotel for vacation with my brother and his wife, I was watching their two month-old daughter in the waterpark when a woman came up to me and said, "Aww, your kid is so adorable! Don't worry, you'll get your figure back in no time." I'm a fourteen year-old girl. FML

agreeclassic 46 033

vote type 1 5 380

Thanks, I hate it

By wowgranny - this FML is from back in 2016 but it's good stuff - United States - Tooele

Today, my grandma told me that I'm starting to look like my sister. I jokingly replied, "Uh-oh I'm in trouble then." She gave me a very disapproving look and said, "You should be happy. She's beautiful, unlike you." FML

agreeclassic 9 040

vote type 1 1 441

Smells like strip spirit

By m…… - this FML is from back in 2009 but it's good stuff - United States

Today, we went to the mall and my husband picked me out some perfume. When I asked him why he liked that particular one, he responded with, "That's what's the stripper at my bachelor party was wearing." He was completely serious. FML

agreeclassic 42 124

vote type 1 4 311

Smoke signals

By rejected - this FML is from back in 2019 but it's good stuff - United States

Today, I texted my boyfriend, who's on vacation halfway across the world, but he didn't respond. I mentioned it to my younger sister who said, "It probably just takes a while for the text to get all the way there." My mom piped up, "Don't be dumb sweetie, he's just ignoring her." FML

agreeclassic 1 961

vote type 1 380

As usual

By jadakorn - this FML is from back in 2009 but it's good stuff - United States

Today, I got home and threw my phone onto my bed as usual. This time it bounced out the window. FML

agreeclassic 47 426

vote type 1 29 692

Not on the weekend

By jtaylor94 - this FML is from back in 2009 but it's good stuff - Canada

Today, my dad's boss called our house and I answered. He said, "Is your dad home?" I replied, "I'll go check." I put the phone on mute and asked my dad if he wanted to talk to his boss. My dad says, "Does that asshole not have a life?" Turns out the phone wasn't on mute, it was on speaker. FML

agreeclassic 19 504

vote type 1 43 177

Unionize!

By Anonymous - this FML is from back in 2013 but it's good stuff - United States - West Hartford

Today, I found out the unionized cleaning people that empty the garbage and clean the toilets make $19/hr and have more paid time off than I do with my college degree. FML

agreeclassic 52 754

vote type 1 7 530

Maddening

By ballnchain - this FML is from back in 2010 but it's good stuff - United States

Today, my insanely jealous wife flipped out and made me promise never to hug any of my female friends or go to lunch with them, ever. It's "cheating." FML

agreeclassic 48 935

vote type 1 20 121

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Keywords

Miscellaneous My ex Stalker Coworkers Love Internet Relatable AITA Pokémon Awkward Work Parenting Kids Annoying Shopping Underwear Jealousy Parents Thief Sex Intimacy Suspicious Family NSFW Birthday Gifts I need your advice Accident Abuse Moving home

Top

Today, my parents called me to ask if I could drop my dog off to them on Sunday. They're having a Superbowl party and want to show her off to their guests. My dog is invited, but I'm not. FML

agreeclassic 23 277

vote type 1 1 757

Today, my parents have separated. I stayed with them, living at home far too long for my own comfort, just to help them keep it together after they lost their remaining parents. Literally the month after I moved out, they decided it wasn't worth it. I now suspect they stayed together only because I still lived at home. FML

agreeclassic 293

vote type 1 122

Today, it's my 30th birthday. I was having a great night until I overheard my mother say, "I can't believe that thing made it to 30." FML

agreeclassic 32 786

vote type 1 2 656

Today, my mom texted me, “I just want you to know I love you very much.” Touched, I replied, “I love you too, Mom!” Her next message said, “Oops, wrong person.” FML

agreeclassic 428

vote type 1 63

Today, I was using my new curling iron to curl my hair. I was sitting down. Suddenly I dropped the iron and, as a reflex, I caught it between my bare thighs. FML

agreeclassic 49 854

vote type 1 6 176

Today, I was fired for refusing to let a kid back into my classroom. This kid is a psycho. In the last month he punched my pregnant TA in the stomach, stabbed a girl with a pencil in the ribs, killed the class hamster, and a bunch of other stuff, but sure, I’m the problem and deserve to be fired. FML

agreeclassic 2 156

vote type 1 106