Today, I thought I'd try to play Marvel Rivals, but my anxiety over having to interact with other people got so bad I panicked and never made it past the main menu. I really wanted to make friends or something. FML
Today, I spent my lunch break helping a coworker move a desk to another office. When I got back, my own desk had been moved to make room for someone new. Nobody had told me where they’d put it. FML
Today, it's the end of hard month: renovations, on top of kids' vacation, on top of cancelled camps, on top of cat with diarrhea. The thing waiting for me this weekend is the work assignment my boss gave me an hour before business closed on Friday, and wrapping up contractors shoddy work. FML
Today, I finally confronted my mom for robbing me of my inheritance from my dad. Apparently she was justified in taking it because she "needed it to raise me" and "to keep a roof over our heads" as I was growing up. As a result, I'm an adult with no nest egg whatsoever. FML
Today, I know people at work dislike me. I can tell. I want to quit like my other coworker but I can't yet. Perhaps they'll fire me in the future. FML
Today, we've all heard about men ghosting their girlfriends after learning they were pregnant. Well, my now ex just ghosted me after I told him I that I wasn't pregnant after all. FML
Today, I had a big fight with my husband. We'd made a plan for our vacation and I stuck to the plan. He screamed at me for sticking to the plan. When I pointed out that he made the plan, he shouted at me some more because I'd "spoiled the vacation." Later, he asked if I was hungry. No apology. No acknowledgement. FML
Today, the police picked me up and made me go home to my mother, who regretted kicking me out for being gay, even though I wanted nothing more to do with her. It gets better though: She used to be my biggest supporter, then starting dating a homophobe who turned her against me. FML
Today, my 20 year-old self, who works shift work, learned by accident that my 14 year-old brother has been using my toothbrush for the past 6+ months. I wouldn't have known due to my schedule until just now when I found it was wet. He admitted it, but was upset with me for using HIS toothbrush. It has my name on it. FML
Today, the daughter of a patient called me, again, on my direct line after I repeatedly told her she had to go through the secretary for non-urgent matters. She said, "OMG, are you serious?" and hung up on me mid-sentence while I was talking about her father. FML
Today, my wife is mad at me because I didn’t let our son win at Mario Kart Racing and he cried. I’m sorry, but it’s almost impossible to let a kid win at Mario Kart when he drives his character off every cliff, runs into every obstacle, and pulls 180s to drive down the track in the wrong direction. FML
Today, I was diagnosed with Bell's palsy. I have exams tomorrow and I have interviews for residency coming up. Sadly, the left half of my face will not work for another two months. FML
Today, I went through another breakup. This will be my fourth in two years. None of them could handle or accept that I'm still best friends with my ex-husband, who is actually gay. FML
Today, I offered to drive my friends to the airport because their taxi was expensive. We left early and arrived with plenty of time. Then I realized I’d parked in the short-stay car park. I paid more for parking than I would have paid for a taxi. FML
Today, my cousin mentioned having back pain and since I’m a chiropractor, I offered to help him. He gave me a horrified look and said, “Fuck no, I’m not letting you turn me into the next Jonathan Buckelew.” FML
Today, my disowned son begged that he wanted to reconcile but I said no way, so he proceeded to blast me on social media. He conveniently left out the part where he slept with my now ex-wife, his stepmother, which is why I disowned his ass. FML
Today, I finally finished building my own custom TV stand that would work in my small living room with brick walls. Now I can't find the remote. Anywhere. FML
Today, I was picking up my girlfriend's little sister at preschool. A student walked up to me, said, "Hello mister!", and lifted her skirt, showing me her undies. Before I could react, she grinned at me saying, "Buy me ice cream, or I'll scream and say you made me do that." Did I just get blackmailed by a 4 year-old? FML
Today, I was pricing cremations because I have terminal cancer. I learned that because I'm fat, they are going to charge me more. Even on my way out I'm being fat shamed. FML
Today, I'm on the J train in Brooklyn NY and we are dead-stop in the middle of the track between stations because someone is literally on the track ahead of us. NYPD is handling it, and the train conductor said, “We hope to be moving ‘eventually’…” I love NYC. FML
Today, my idiot friends set me up on a blind date. It was about to go well, until her glass eye fell out onto my hand. FML
Today, the girl I’ve moved mountains and bent over backwards for chose another man over me. When I asked her why him and not me, she said, “He’s more attractive.” But she sure found me “attractive” when I spent $20k on her for gifts, favors, etc. She put me in the friend-zone, except when I took my wallet out. FML
Today, I had to reluctantly break the news to my kids that we're not going to be able to go to my dad's funeral because he lived on the other side of the country, and we just can't afford to travel. Let's just say I have a bruise on my arm because they did not take the news well at all. FML
Today, I was in music class and I was reaching for the pen I'd dropped, I tilted myself, gripping my left hand on the table, and the person beside me pulled my arm for some reason, and my face fell into their lap. Right on the crotch. It reeked of sweat. FML
Today, my senile mother escaped the house and wandered off as the sun was setting. Frantic, I told my husband I would call the police. He tried to convince me to wait, and couldn't conceal his excitement. I know she's not the easiest to live with, but that really hurt. FML
Today, I started my new job. I went to microwave food, only to discover roaches and ants crawling out of it. Now I am grossed out but still hungry. FML
Today, my husband will not stop fighting our divorce, even though he came out as gay. He insists that we can still be married and a family, and that I'm giving up. FML
Today, I admitted to my friend that after having my first son, I have a completely different kind of love for him, as opposed to what I feel for my two daughters. In response, she scoffed and muttered, "'Boy moms' are never beating the allegations!" FML
Today, I took my dog to the groomer's and asked them to trim just a little fur and floof around his eyes. When I collected him, he looked completely different. Apparently, “just a little” means something different to everyone. I'm not even sure it's the same dog, he looks like a baffled rat. FML
Today, I'm a third-year college student. Between classes Monday-Thursday and a part-time job from Friday-Sunday, checking my work schedule for November has revealed that I do not have ONE SINGLE DAY OFF IN NOVEMBER. Literally in classes 4 days a week, working the other 3. I'm actually going to die. FML
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