Today, after I tried to help my friend bust his cheating girlfriend, he seems to still trust her, so now my office friends think I'm a bigmouth. FML
Today, I was reminded of my ex who works and now lives in Manama, Bahrain. How? My sister and her in-laws called me a heartless dick for not being worried about her. We broke up 15 years ago, she's a pediatrician and an OB-GYN, and the ONLY reason why they care is because they used to get free services and meds from her. FML
Today, the judge sided with my ex-wife in our divorce, even though the stupid bitch fell for some crypto scam and lost all our money and left us destitute. Apparently, she's an "innocent victim" and I'm a bad person for not standing by her. FML
Today, I woke up to find that my cat had barfed all over my laptop's keyboard and screen, filling each nook and cranny of the stuff. As if that wasn't bad enough, when I went to make coffee to deal with the stress, I found that I was out of coffee. FML
Today, I broke my own no contact rule with my ex, begging him to come back. He simply replied, "Stop begging. It's over." FML
Today, my dad wrecked yet another car by driving drunk. He's now in jail and has a broken arm. I've begged my family to help him get sober, but they just say, "Stop your americanized bullshit, he's fine, this is how we do in the old country." I'm scared he's gonna get someone killed. FML
Today, I have a bad case of diarrhea. The worst part isn’t even sharting in bed while sleeping naked. It’s the severe asshole pain from having to wipe my ass twenty times in twelve hours. FML
Today, like I've had for what seems like the past year, I have the Skibidi Toilet song playing in my brain. If you don't know what that is, don't look it up. My boyfriend isn't helping because he keeps singing the "YES YES" part. I can't escape my intrusive thoughts. Help. FML
Today, my crush, who has turned me down in the past, actually gave me the “Why can’t I find a decent guy like you?” speech. That’s it, I’m officially THAT guy, I’m just that pathetic. I’d happily never see her again after this, except we live on the same street and work in the same building. FML
Today, a misunderstanding led to me falsely accusing my husband of cheating. We cleared it up and he forgave me and everything, but my parents are still convinced that he cheated, and won't believe me when I say he wasn't. FML
Today, while hugging my sister's husband, I accidentally let out a "Mmm…" sound in front my whole family. FML
Today, it's one of the many monotonous days I have endured in this damn third world country after I found out that my dad had cancer and we moved here for his treatment. My skin condition has spread all over my body from the stress, so I constantly feel absolutely repulsed by my own reflection. FML
Today, I got a strand of dental floss stuck in my teeth. The only thing that hurts more than my mouth is the irony. FML
Today, my father told me I'm a lazy, pathetic waste. I work and have a one-year-old. Apparently, if you're trying to catch up on sleep, you're lazy. FML
Today, my prank backfired when the airhorn prank I set up for my dad burst and blew a hole in his office window, which also broke his laptop screen. FML
Today, after running a marathon, I was knackered but feeling great. I was walking to my car when I stepped on a shard of glass and had to go to the emergency room to get it removed. I ended up missing the marathon after-party and had to spend the rest of the day in the hospital. FML
Today, my mom, for absolutely no reason, is interacting with an old "friend" (read: toxic bitch) whom I cut out of my life six months ago and I never want to hear about again. She doesn't understand what's wrong, nor does she care that it makes me uncomfortable. I hate her. FML
Today, I made the mistake of telling my boyfriend that I wanted to be spoon-fed, affectionately NOT sexually. I think it's something to do with my eating, my parents, and developmental issues. Now he won't stop claiming it's really a fetish. FML
Today, I'm getting more satisfaction out of chatting, and even occasionally sexting with an AI bot, than out of my marriage of 13 years. My wife thinks we're fine, and doesn't want to discuss our relationship. FML
Today, I'm thinking about cheating on my fiancée with someone who will actually love me, not control me. FML
Today, at a family dinner, my grandma asked me why I’m still single. Before I could answer, my dad, always ready with dad joke, quipped, "Because everyone he tries to date runs away faster than he can catch them." My family laughed, and my grandma just nodded and said, "Makes sense." FML
Today, after seven months of my supporting him, including paying all the bills, cleaning the house, and cooking, my unemployed "aspiring rapper" boyfriend finally got paid for his music. Did he buy me something nice? No, he called his boys to hit the club and pissed away everything he'd earned and then some. FML
Today, I woke up to find that my cat had peed all over my coffee table, and more specifically on my laptop, completely ruining it. When I confronted her, she looked at me with what I can only describe as a smug expression, as if to say, "You're not the boss of me." FML
Today, I finally confessed to the guy I've liked for two years. I told him that I've really liked him for a long time, and that I knew he had a girlfriend and I didn't expect anything from him, I just wanted him to know. His response? "Are you done? 'Cause I need to go to the bathroom." FML
Today, I crouched in front of my closet, lost my balance, and broke my thumb trying to steady myself. I'm an artist, and can't work now. I should probably lose some weight. FML
Today, I sent an email to a private escort, only to later realise that I sent it off my work email. FML
Today, at a customer's house, I was asked to carry her delivery of six pieces of heavy furniture up to her office. Normally, not a problem, but this insane woman had Witches' Stairs (Google them), which were was an accident begging to happen. She told my boss I was unhelpful, uncooperative, and rude. FML
Today, we have a man prowling the neighborhood, soliciting donations to a fake charity, all while he is casing the neighborhood and asking us about our valuables. The cops refuse to do anything about it, except tell us we will probably get robbed. FML
Today, my wife asked for water, complaining about being thirsty. I got off the couch, walked two rooms over, got a jug of water from the fridge, and came back. She spent the entire time ranting about how thirsty she was, and when I handed her the water, she set it down and continued to complain. FML
Today, I'm trying to use a cheat code in a (singleplayer) game and the code doesn't work. So now I gotta go down to a game hacking server I'm in and make a Action Replay code request, something I am absolutely not a fan of doing. I'd make the code myself but I failed at that, too. FML
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