Today, I was all set and ready to leave my cheating, narcissistic husband. I couldn't because my kids wouldn't come with me. FML
This is why man won't take off the jacket!
Oof.
Today, my cousin wanted to play chess with me. I've never been good at chess, but I had no idea until now that my cousin is somehow even worse than I am. I also forgot that he's a sore loser and a half until after I finished thoroughly trouncing him. Now I have a black eye. FML
Today, the boss accidentally merged her personal calendar with the office calendar, so along with a 10 a.m. waxing appointment and on the 19th it's "Mom's birthday", I got to see "Friday 3rd April fire Jane." I’m Jane. (Not my real name obviously, but you know what I mean). FML
Today, my supervisor told me to stock the bedding department, so I did all the pallets set out, with an hour to spare to clean up, only for my supervisor to bring out three more once she saw I was done. FML
Today, I'm a hotel housekeeper. I was warned by the manager that one of the rooms was "horrible." When I got to said room, I understood: what he meant; it looked as though it was raided by a drunken caveman. It took my friend and I almost an hour to clean it up completely. At least the "caveman" left a $2.00 tip. FML
Today, I had to come to terms with having more facial hair than my boyfriend, despite being female since birth. FML
Today, I finally located all seven of my younger siblings, who I abandoned to foster care when I was 15, after our parents were deported back to Mexico. Each and every one of them told me to fuck off. FML
Today, I got home after a rough day and was really looking forward to some cuddles from my cat. I opened the door and she came running toward me, which was unusual, so I knelt down to embrace her. She ran right past me to get to the tuna sandwich I'd unwittingly dropped on the floor. FML
Today, I introduced my dad to my boyfriend. I gave my dad the middle finger and he thumped me on the head, as we've been playfully doing for years. My boyfriend got all mad and tried to fight my dad. FML
Today, I had a dream that I cheated on my boyfriend. With the person he was when we started dating. We’ve been dating for two and a half years and I love him, but he’s so different than when I first met him. Even though he’s technically the same person, I can’t help but feel like I cheated on him with him in my dream. FML
Today, I finally started a DIY home improvement project I'd been putting off for a while now. As I was drilling into the wall, I managed to hit a plumbing pipe that I didn't know was there and started flooded my living room. FML
Today, my husband managed to crash the car because he was too busy looking at an attractive girl with her leggings wedged up her ass crack, and I know he only crashed because he was looking at her, because I was in the car with him when it happened. FML
Today, after over 30 years, I visited my home country. My nephew was driving us around, with my daughter in the backseat, and I was proudly telling him about her MBA in English and Communication. We passed by a mugging, and she went, "Did you just seed what I just sawed!?" Without looking at me, my nephew just went, "....a degree in what again?" FML
Today, I politely asked my neighbor if she could tell her kids to be a little more quiet, and I guess I wasn't the first one to approach her. She slammed the door in my face, but not before screaming, "I bet none of you would be doing this if we were white." FML
Today, I called off my wedding because I found out he was cheating, but my daughter is more upset that she spent $400 on a bridesmaid's gown and now can't get a refund. FML
Today, I found out that I have been secretly paying the bills. All the psych treatments and medication tryouts I took as a kid was paid research. My parents spent all the money on themselves and they still wanted me to do the research. They also lied to my school and told them I was autistic. FML
Today, I tried to show my little cousin how to ride a bike without training wheels. Not only did I crash into a bush, but the handlebars hit me in the nuts, and I ended up rolling around like a Labrador in shit in front of the neighbors. FML
Today, my wife told me she’s leaving me because her "nervous system now perceives me as a threat." Apparently, seven years ago I was her "safe space," but now I’m just a cortisol spike in human form. FML
Today, my husband allowed his 16-year-old daughter to get married. Every single objection and concern I had, they ignored. FML
Today, me and my dad were talking about my gambling habits and I was saying how proud I was that I follow my set limits (I only gamble once a month and online, and set a strict deposit limit on myself). Unfortunately, he began asking questions about my online gambling sites, etc. I'm worried I might get him addicted. FML
Today, I jumped when, after being home alone for days, I suddenly saw the door handle move. Apparently, the cats weren't happy about being locked out of the kitchen and were pretty close to figuring things out. FML
Today, my roommate and I got into a heated argument over whether people should wear shoes inside the apartment. It escalated so badly that we now have masking tape dividing the floor into “shoe zones” and “clean zones” like a low-budget international border. Guests have started asking for instructions before entering. FML
Today, I was drunkenly showing my juggling skills at a party with three apples. I nailed it until one flew out of my hand, hit a guest in the face, and knocked their drink all over the host’s new beige couch. FML
Today, after two weeks of not being able to log into my Facebook account, I received a prompt to change my password. I interpreted this as them saying that I was hacked, and they had simply shut it down to avoid problems, so I did. It still won't let me in. FML
Today, my dad gave a speech at my wedding. It started with, “Forty years ago, there was a tree…” and continued in the same vein about his work as a biologist. I might have been mentioned in passing. My new wife was not. FML
Today, my cheating ex is still happily married with his new wife and kids 4 years after he left me for her. Meanwhile, I keep getting ghosted, left on “Read/Seen”, and getting a guy to be into me is like pulling teeth. I think it’s time to throw the towel on love and die alone. FML
Today, I was naked and the wife tried to flick my bum with a wet towel. Unfortunately I bent over at the wrong moment and the towel cracked right against the underside of my dangling penis. The whole underside is bruised, it hurts to pee, and God help me tomorrow if I get morning wood. FML
Today, I’m in India. On the airports, men and women are checked separately. The man that was checking the men’s line sent me to the other line. I had to prove that I was a man. It took more than 15minutes. FML
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