Anonymous
We're like family!
Today, I discovered that "team building exercise" really means free labor with no snacks. FML
The Top · The all-time greatest FMLs
Anonymous
Such a player
Today, I learned that my long term/long distance (two hours away) boyfriend has had not one, but two regular "girlfriends" closer to his home. He'd told them that we broke up while still coming to visit me weekly. He did stop coming by a few months ago because "work was crazy" but that didn't stop him from sending "pics" though. FML
Anonymous
Get me the hell out of here
Today, I live somewhere with cold weather half the year, I'm pale, and I have anemia. I have a recessive blood disorder which makes my anemia worse. I'm stuck in this city because I can't live on my own, so I'm dependent on my parents. FML
Anonymous
United States
Weekend at Bernie's
Today, I set aside a weekend to spend time with a friend. I learned that someone else is staying there: a fat, unemployed man-child who talks shit about us on Facebook, while his manipulative wife pays his bills. He got evicted from his last home when he pretended to be a ninja and cut up his neighbor's garden. FML
Anonymous
United States
You need more fiber
Today, I finally got over having constipation for two days straight. It came in the form of a normal-sized, rock-hard turd that made me scream "Ow!" when it came out. FML
It was a mistake!!
🌶️ Spicy
I'm horny, horny horny horny
Today, I got drunk at a party at our house. At the end, my husband passed out, so his best friend and I carried him to bed. His best friend is stupidly hot and I get horny when I'm drunk, so on a whim I made a pass at him. He shut me down and later told my husband. FML
ShyBear
🌶️ Spicy
No more fun
Today, my partner called me from urgent care because his jaw was hurting. Apparently he now has lockjaw from going down on me too much. FML
FML Videos
Awkward Compliments
I know you're lying, but I'll take it.
fiat850
United States
Nope, no way
Today, I agreed to go on a bike ride with my boss, even though I think he's crazy. We rode for a few miles, then he decided it was time to merge onto the freeway. FML
Mark
Naughty boy
Today, coming home with my water bottle and venti Starbucks in one hand, and my 4 month-old leashed puppy on my other hand, I entered my condo building as a little girl was holding the door open. As I said thank you, my dog lunged towards her, I pulled him back, and most of my Caramel Brûlée Latte went flying. FML
Anonymous
Van Nuys, United States
Soooooooo late 2020
Today, I might have Covid and this weekend is my birthday weekend. FML
Anonymous
All dressed up
Today, an elderly man came into my place of work wearing a nice suit. I commented, saying said he looked nice and asked what the special occasion was. He was going to a funeral. FML
TheCarl
Kinda sus
Today, Amazon delivered an item I need urgently for air travel later in the day. To the wrong address. From the photo, I could see which house they had delivered it to. They weren't home, but a camera was pointing at the item. My behaviour was indistinguishable from that of a porch pirate. FML
Vladislav
Spooky Season
Today, my best friend and I watched the "OK Google" horror short film. It's about a ghost that controls a Google Home device. Right after the short ended, my Google Nest Mini came off the wall and stopped reacting. Neither of us was near it. FML
Chelsea
🌶️ Spicy
Try new things, you never know…
Today, as this is the real world, I accept that my guy likes me partly for my fit (and I think nice) body, so I accept him saying the one thing nicer than my body is me nude with another woman. So his B-day gift was me and a mutual lady friend in some joint nude pics. However, I do mind these pics turning me on more than my guy does. FML
Anonymous
Go go dancer
Today, I was dancing in a club when some manager told me to stop messing around and get back on stage or I’m not getting paid. I think he thought I worked for him. I was in jeans and a glittery vest, all the dancers were in booty shorts and bikini tops. What the hell, my guy? FML
Anonymous
Retail stinks
Today, a pipe leaked in the store I work at. I had to smell sordid waste for more than 8 hours. FML
NotWhitneyH
That's just under 3 degrees Celsius
Today, I was watching Whitney Houston: I Wanna Dance With Somebody. I guess I was too much into the songs because I got heckled and kicked out of the theatre. Oh, and I got ice all over my jacket. It’s 37 degrees outside. FML
Anonymous
Obviously
Today, I confidently told a coworker that the “surprise meeting” was obviously a birthday celebration for our boss. I even brought cupcakes. Turns out, it was a serious budget discussion. My boss stared at the cupcakes like I was making fun of him. FML
Hero of the day
Did the rescue work?
Today, I tried a heroic rescue: a toddler’s teddy stuck on a fifth-floor balcony. I borrowed a ladder, climbed while sweating, reached it, and felt my trousers rip with a sound like Velcro in a thunderstorm. Dangling there with my superhero boxers exposed, three people filmed me while jeering. FML
Anonymous
Nice to see so much of you
Today, I had to prepare a good setup to video chat with my friend in Hong Kong. I was so focused on the right lighting and angle, I didn't pay attention to what was in the background… Until my friend started giggling because she saw my tighty whitey-clad ass in the reflection of the mirror behind me. FML
Tim
Not so Secret Santa
Today I volunteered to organize the office Secret Santa. I carefully tracked names, budgets and preferences. On gift day, I realized I’d emailed the spreadsheet to everyone. People now know who hates mugs, who regifted last year, and who wrote “Anything but candles.” Our Christmas spirit died pretty darned quick. FML
Anonymous
🌶️ Spicy
Tough one
Today, after I recently jabbed in the spine by a nail, cracking the bone and causing some spinal cord damage, I can now still walk, but I'm now incapable of getting an erection, potentially forever. FML
Juice Ko Day!
Good comeback
Today, three minutes into on our Christmas Family Reunion, I got kicked out and now probably permanently. What did I do? My aunt, who NEVER FAILS to do this, did loudly the, "Wow! You've gotten fat!" greeting on me, whereas I responded with an even louder, "And WOW! You've gotten even uglier!" FML
OnTheReceivingEnd
Gilbert, United States
Running gag
Today, I tried one of those AI companion simulators, one that's supposed to simulate what it's like to have a girlfriend. I role-played what it would be like to help her with a problem, then drive her home. After doing so, the AI began to act as if it didn't even know me, and asked me to leave. It's uncanny. FML
HateCelebz
Beep beep beep beep
Today, I made Christmas dinner. I live in a block of flats, and I was cooking for two hours. The smoke alarm went off after 10 minutes, but it's so high up that I couldn't reach it to turn it off, so I had to fan it off every five minutes, then five minutes later it would go off again, and so on. The neighbors complained. FML
Anonymous
United Kingdom
Charity case
Today, I took unpaid leave for a month to work as a temp at a charity organisation, assuming it was paid due to the great benefits mentioned. During my placement, I noticed clues it was voluntary but it didn't register. At the end, I discovered it was unpaid. I get to do voluntary work for a whole month. FML
Anonymous
A man without a plan
Today, I was going to surprise my partner with a romantic dinner, but when I got home I realized I had forgotten the main ingredient: the food. FML
Anonymous
Many such cases
Today, I realized I’m what they call “first world poor.” I own a phone and a laptop paid for with credit, and every time I use them it’s to check my emails to see all my new job application rejections, and to check my bank so I can watch my savings dwindling away. FML
Anonymous
Tooth down
Today, I yawned and broke a front tooth. Yes, you read that correctly. I did a big yawn, my jaw suddenly hurt, I felt something crack and half my tooth fell into my lasagna. FML