Today, I woke up to my roommate glaring at me. Apparently, I was sleep-talking again, but last night I apparently shouted, “You’ll never find the bodies!” multiple times. He’s been sleeping with his door locked since. FML
Today, as I was traveling in Japan, out of boredom in the middle of the night, I downloaded a dating website and was cheated out of over 30,000 yuan, which was equivalent to my monthly salary. FML
Today, as I've always done, I worked extra hard to move up but was never able to in this podunk town, because you have to be related to get anywhere. My wife loves this town and didn't believe me until she got promoted at her work and her "friends" started treating her differently. Welcome to reality. FML
Today, it's been about three weeks since I had a very vivid sex dream about a tall man, but had no idea who it was. Then today my grandad was watching old comedies and there the guy was, Bernard Bresslaw from the Carry On movies. Why brain? Why now and why him? I’ve not watched those movies in decades. FML
Today, I have in my living room a Rubik’s cube I’ve been trying to solve for over a year. I just got home and it was sat on the floor solved. Apparently my wife gave it to her nephew to play with and he solved it in about four minutes, then got bored. He’s 8 and I’m 33. FML
Today, after my husband got ready for work, he touched my arm and slowly bent down. I assumed he was going to say he loved me and to have a good day. As I quickly thought of a loving response and prepared to give him a kiss, he whispered in my ear, "Did you put a dead mouse in the toilet?" Thanks a lot, cat. FML
Today, I realised I have no friends circle to call my own, no motivation to conquer the day, and no confidence to put my life back together, all because I failed the test that could get me closer to my dream job. FML
Today, I went to the local emergency room, upon recommendation of my psychiatrist, because I was depressed to the point of being suicidal. They sent me home because there were no beds available. FML
Today, when I got home, the apartment was clean for once. I gasped in surprise, and my boyfriend came out of the bathroom, carried me to the bedroom, and brutally ravished me. Afterwards, I asked him what brought this on. "Well, I bought a new game and it took forever to download..." FML
Today, I went to my boss’s office to ask him a question. He basically gave me a cold look and replied, “You just answered your own question.” Due to my pregnancy hormones, it took all the strength I had to not burst into tears right there and then. I went back to my desk and let it all out. FML
Today, on a whim, I decided to try to light a fart on fire. I now know how it feels to take a dump when you have a burn directly on your asshole. FML
Today, while high, I accidentally sent a pizza to my ex-girlfriend's house instead of my apartment. She has a restraining order out on me. This is bad. FML
Today, I now know how it feels when a football lands directly on the top of your head. While I don't consider myself to be the unluckiest person in the world, I'd say I'm pretty high up there. FML
Today, there was a homeless guy asleep on a bench. I had to step around some kids and my bag hit the homeless guy. Now I can only assume he was a homeless veteran, because the speed with which he woke up, screamed “enemy contact”, and practically broke my knee, tells me he had years of training. FML
Today, my mom asked if she could use my red dress for her two-week trip to the Caribbean. I said no, because I was going to a party and I wanted to wear it. She called me a selfish, greedy bitch who would stay single forever. I paid for her plane ticket, her hotel fees, and her cruise ship fee. FML
Today, I'm diagnosed with a terminal liver cancer. I live abroad, away from my family, so I called them and asked them to come visit me, possibly for the last time. I even offered to pay for the travel both ways. The mother, with a quite indifferent tone, declined my offer and hung up the fuckin' phone on me! FML
It's ok, they've got 9 lives.
Today, it's Fathers Day. Both of my adult daughters called me… from their stepfather's house. FML
Today, my friend and I flew home from India ten days early. I got cholera and she got groped twice and followed back to our accommodations by a gang of men. So much for our exotic overseas trip… FML
Today, and for this past week, I've had multiple people tell me all I needed to do to cure my incredibly rare chronic illnesses was some essential oils. Putting those 'medications' aren’t going to do anything. They then proceeded to give me more advice on how to treat a kidney transplant. FML
Today, after I injured my left wrist from holding my nephew the wrong way for too many hours on New Year's, and found out that it would optimistically take 4-6 weeks to heal, this morning I managed to give myself second degree burns on my right hand from handling a tray I didn't know was hot. So that's three weeks with no hands. FML
Today, I discovered that my dishwasher has a filter. I cleaned out food from it that has never been in my kitchen since I moved in. FML
Today, I’m a nurse on night shift and I went to a daytime family brunch without adjusting my sleep schedule. Halfway through a serious conversation about finances, I nodded off and started dreaming I was charting vitals. I woke up mid-sentence saying, “Blood pressure stable,” to my aunt. FML
Today, after studying for an exam, I decided to take a short nap. Just then, our neighbors, who were a couple, argued like crazy about some dumb thing the guy did. I didn't get to rest at all. FML
Today, I came home from work early due to a massive headache. A half hour later, the jackhammering started. FML
Today, my boss said I had to complete "Cyber Security Awareness Training" or face repercussions. For 33 years, I've never needed a computer for my job or needed one to perform my job. In fact, the job forbids having a laptop or phone with you while doing the job. Did I happen to mention that I'm a lifeguard? FML
Today, I found a photo of me as a sad-looking teenage schoolboy. No wonder. Under that uniform, I was wearing women's shapewear. I was a chubby kid and, against my will, I was forced into wearing a firm control panty girdle - ashamed, uncomfortable and terrified of being caught, it really messed me up for life. FML
Today, my husband was cold and distant towards me for the third day in a row, and I finally demanded an answer. He showed me a video of me drunkenly confessing to him that I don't find him sexually exciting, and that my abusive ex was way better in the bedroom. Fuck, I hate that I can't lie when I'm drunk. FML
Today, I saw my boyfriend spitting the mouthwash back into the bottle, because, "this stuff is really expensive." FML
Today, like every other day of my life, I have hypermobility. I had an important dress and tech rehearsal for a production due to start tomorrow. Guess what day my ankle decided to give out midway down a flight of stairs, leaving my foot rapidly swelling… FML
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