Today, my family and friends have absolutely refused to comprehend that I hate being touched. They think it's because of how unbearably ticklish I am, and they call me a "Drama Queen" for it. I suffer from haphephobia. We live in a society where people who have very real phobias are referred to as "overdramatic." FML
Today, we are having work done and our chimney breast has a hole where a brick is missing. Well, my husband thought it would be funny to rig up some realistic spider leg things that would poke out of the hole next to my face. I had to wash the sofa cushion because I pissed myself from fright. FML
Today, and for the last few days, I’ve been playing farming life simulator games. It dawned on me that my fictional farmers will probably be more successful and social and rich and energetic than I ever will be in my entire life. FML
Today, while I was explaining my troubles to my therapist, he asked me, "And don't you have someone you can tell all that?" FML
Today, some of my buddies were playing truth or dare. As I got to the group, one guy was dared to ding dong ditch. He did so, and the owner of the house let his big ol' dog out to chase us. It only ran after me the whole time. FML
Today, in response to the guy whose son told him to fuck off for disturbing his one day off a week, my son spent literally his entire savings account for a deposit on a shitbox one bedroom house because he’s sick of his dad finding him things to do every ten minutes, and I don’t even blame him. FML
Today, I took my kid to Busch Gardens. All he said was, "Can we use the claw machines?" He wouldn't ride rides, watch shows, eat, or participate in anything besides begging to play the damn claw machines. I paid for the full day and dragged him out screaming after three hours. FML
Today, I met one of my company's big clients. The second he stepped into my office, the room filled with a stink like a thousand dirty jockstraps piled inside a filthy gas station bathroom. After he left, I commented on it to my boss. I was told that I would be meeting him at least three times a week. FML
Today, it's been two days since I went out to a club with my sister. I love dancing and was really getting really into it. However, my neck muscles are still sore. From dancing for two hours. I'm 28. FML
Today, my mechanic asked me if I wanted to keep my car's aftermarket tracking system, which he found had died. That’s when I realised that my ex-husband must have installed that after our divorce, and it’s been in there for over 6 years. God only knows how long it tracked me before dying. FML
Today, my teenage son caught COVID and has passed it on to me. He's completely unaffected, and joking that he wants to catch it again, to get another week off school. I'm lying in bed, with a pounding headache, shivering so violently I'm shaking. FML
Today, my psychiatrist of 6 years suddenly and out of nowhere told me I need to see someone else. She gave me the equivalent of the "it's not you, it's me" speech. Actually her assistant told me via email. I basically got broken up with by someone I was paying a lot of money to talk to. FML
Today, I was been accused of stealing lunches from the fridge at work. I’m a huge germaphobe and would NEVER eat someone else’s food, but because I’m the fattest one in the office, everyone automatically blamed me. Hashtag fatgirlproblems. FML
Today, I feel like I’m never going to have satisfying sex again. We have so many kids that I never get a moment’s peace. By the time they’re all taken care of and sleeping, I’m too exhausted to even think about sex. If I do, it’s a “let’s get it out of the way” type quickie to shut my husband up. FML
Today, it's my ninth day off work. I should have been back 4 days ago, but whilst resting a swollen knee at home, I got a hair stuck in my eye so badly that I had to go to A&E at 4 a.m. to get it taken out. Now work won't let me come back until the resulting conjunctivitis clears up. FML
Today, and up until now, I never knew my dad had a racist streak until he found out his usual fish and chip shop had been turned into an Indian takeaway. The language he was using, I had to google what half of the names even meant, since I wasn't born in the '70s. The neighbours definitely heard him, because now they won't talk to us. FML
Today, I was making my bed and had an armload of pillows. One slipped and I tried to catch it between my arm and leg. I missed, sending my fist into my nuts. FML
Today, I put leftovers in the microwave, pressed two minutes, and walked away. I came back to discover I'd started the kitchen timer instead. I'd spent two minutes waiting for food that had never even started warming up. FML
Today, I was talking to a smokin' hot Cuban sorority girl. She told me her mom only speaks Spanish, so she translates for her. Without thinking I said, "Oh like Chewbacca and Han Solo?" FML
Today, during my daily jog, a gate in my local park, which has been stuck open by weeds and overgrown grass for at least 6 years, was apparently weeded and properly closed yesterday. I hit that thing at full speed, flipped over it, and landed on my head with total strangers laughing at me. FML
Today, I tried to make a dramatic exit from a party after an argument by dramatically throwing my coat over my shoulder and storming out. The coat got caught on the door handle, and I had to awkwardly untangle myself while everyone stared. FML.
Today, I was called a "transphobic bigot" at work because I told my coworker, a trans woman, that her clothing and behaviour were disrespectful and inadequate for the workplace. I'm also a trans woman. FML
Today, I had a dream where I was with my last girlfriend, from five years ago. Nothing dirty. Just leaning on each other, talking, and smiling. Woke up and felt like she was really here, and now I miss her as much as when she had to leave the country. FML
Today, both toilets in my house were occupied, so I had to shit outside. FML
Today, I put something up for sale online. I provided all pertinent information in the description, and I had about a dozen replies. From the questions they asked, I have to conclude that NONE of those people actually read the description. FML
Today, I thought I saw my ex in a crowded café, so I ducked behind a counter to avoid them. It turns out that I was hiding from a random stranger, while the barista thought I was trying to steal muffins. FML
Today, I have Lyme's disease. I caught it because we used alcohol on the area before we removed the tick that caused it. Apparently, that makes ticks vomit. I'm sick because a tick puked into me. FML
Today, I got home to my wife surrounded by plaster, old cement and bricks, and a fucking massive hole in the kitchen wall leading through into next door's kitchen. Apparently she tried to put up a shelf and the wall “fell down”. FML
Today, for the Lunar New Year, my mom ordered me to put 8 horses in a specific location in the house. I used my limited edition My Little Pony figures. She got furious, had them destroyed, and cussed me out for bringing misfortune. How? Four of them had horns, whereas "4" means "death", and the horn represents evil. FML
Today, I got an invite to my high school reunion. With visions of wowing my former classmates, I set about starting a diet and exercise regimen. The universe had other plans. On my first run out in the fields, I managed to trip over an invisible pebble, fall into a puddle, and fuck my ankle up. The only thing I'm reuniting with now is my couch and a bag of ice. FML
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