Health: Today, my mom told me to break a leg before performing in my...

By dancingqueef - United States - Kingston

Today, my mom told me to break a leg before performing in my dancing school's show. I really did break part of my leg while performing. FML

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Health

Proactive

Vulture

Plumbed out

By justwantedtounpack - United States

Today, my parents threw a hissy fit calling me ungrateful and disrespectful for wanting to do laundry and clean at home, instead of going out to their friends' house for dinner. They also disconnected the Internet to punish me when they left. I'm 20 and visiting home on a college break. FML

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom - Rugby

Dating is hell

Today, I had my third date with a lovely guy. After I got home, I figured I'd try to see if I could find his Facebook profile. I did. His pictures were nice; lovely wedding photos for sure, and his newborn baby is adorable. FML

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By alison - United States

Today, I had sex with my boyfriend for the first time. All the magic vanished when I kept queefing every time he thrust into me. We made it about 10 seconds before he broke down into hysterical laughter and lost his boner. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my girlfriend called me and asked what I was doing. I replied, "What I'm always doing." She couldn't think of anything besides eating. FML

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By Anonymous - France

Today, my girlfriend woefully admitted that she thinks of me more as a brother than as a boyfriend, all while I was still inside her. FML

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By chicoallen - United States

Today, after getting off work from a horrible 16 hour shift, I went out to my truck. My windows were completely covered in window chalk, to the point that I couldn't leave. I had to spend the next hour and a half washing it all off while my manager laughed about it. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Dayton

Today, I never really thought that my boyfriend and brother having the same name was too weird. Until I called out his name during climax. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Atlanta

Today, I leaned over my sleeping girlfriend, kissed her cheek and told her I love her. She punched me in the ear. FML

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By anonymous - United States

Not now

Today, my boyfriend and I were having sex. Right before I was about to climax, he asks, "Do you remember when you bought the homeless guy with one leg a hot dog?" FML

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By stuck - Sweden - H?gersten

Today, I tried to break up with my boyfriend. He decided to lock me in the apartment until I say that we are in fact still together. This is the 4th time he has done this. FML

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By Michelle - 19/12/2020 08:01

Since when has that been there?

Today, I thought something was wrong with my car battery because my dashboard lights were really low. I paid $77 to find out the dimmer switch was turned down. FML

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By topfisherman - United States

Today, my girlfriend and I decided to have fun at school. So, we went into the locker room. We were making out for a couple minutes when the door opened. It was the principal, who also happens to be her dad. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I flew to see the guy that I've been in love with for 3 years. We spent the day at Walmart. To buy a plunger. After I blocked up the toilet. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was watching wrestling videos on YouTube, when my little brother walked in. Later, my little brother told my parents that I was watching naked men on my computer. They won't stop thinking that I was watching gay porn. FML

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By NoseInPain - United States

Today, my little sister thought it'd be cool to pierce my nose while I was asleep. FML

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By Matt Steele - 4/2/2021 14:01

Call the cops

Today, after they said being a dad is fun, after saying that you got to do things when you were a kid… Well now, I'm at the lost and found of the city, asking, "Have you seen my kid?" FML

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By creeper - United States

Today, I was talking to this guy I like. He's very private and hides all his photos and wall posts on Facebook. Or so I thought, turns out he has me on a restricted friends list, titled "Creepers." FML

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By Anonymous - 12/8/2020 14:02

Projection

Today, my boyfriend said angrily that he should never have gotten together with me, that he should have known a woman with divorced parents would have daddy issues, and never be quite right in the head. His own parents are divorced by the way, and his mom is extremely overbearing. FML

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By Anonymous - Poland - Polska

Today, my brother looked me dead in the eyes and said his life goal is to find a way to jizz on everyone in the world. I'm scared. FML

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By anerdmom

Today, while dropping my son off at the bus stop before school, I went to give him a kiss on the cheek. Then, before I was able to make contact, he jumped away, yelled "PSYCH!!!!" as loud as he could, and jumped on the bus. The kids all laughed at me and the other parents looked embarrassed for me. FML

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By lydiacoolness - New Zealand

Today, I got my annual blood test. The nurse was inexperienced and it took her several tries to insert the needle properly. When I get back home, my fiancé starts yelling at me and storms out. The reason? I am a recovering drug addict and my arm appeared as if I had been shooting up. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Washington

Today, while using the restroom at my favorite cafe, I fell asleep for 30 minutes. There is nothing more jarring than waking up to the banging of 7 angry, urine-filled patrons viciously breaking down the only barrier between between you and your shame. FML

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By crizzy - United States

Today, I dislocated my arm while trying to escape from underneath a flipped over kayak. Who saved me? My two brothers-in-law. Who didn't? My husband, because his "feet were hurting." FML

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By wellalrightythen - United States - Hobart

Today, I boarded a plane. A woman decided that she didn't like where she put her carry on luggage and pulled it out from over my head. The heavy luggage then fell right into my face, the wheel smacking me in the mouth busting my lip open. She just laughed and waltzed away without a word. FML

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By SleepyKirsty - United Kingdom

Today, I found out just how thin the walls at my new student flat are. They are so thin in fact, that I can hear the creepy guy next door say my full name over and over again very slowly whilst masturbating rigorously. FML

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By verno02 - Canada

Sexy catboys rule my life

Today, I was having it off with my boyfriend. He's the kind of guy that likes to keep things interesting. Just as he started climaxing, he began to meow. FML

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By Anonymous - Australia - Cairns

Wrong place, right time

Today, a co-worker came back from his honeymoon. He passed by my office to say hi, and mentioned, "I heard you're getting married next year?" I broke up with my boyfriend yesterday. He's taking his things out of the house as I write this. FML

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By lyssamarie316 - United States

Today, I went to an interview for a job at a company I've applied for numerous times this year. When I showed up at the interview room, I found it was a vacant office. I called and confirmed the address. I guess this was my hint to stop applying. FML

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By Miller_Time - United States

Today, I woke up at three in the morning when two cops busted in the door to my apartment and a frantic voice on my cellphone saying "Sir? Sir? Are you all right? Sir?" Turns out I had been having a nightmare and dreamed I called 911. I actually did. FML

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By maya - 9/3/2021 20:01

Emergency room time

Today, I was called a "wimp" and a "pussy" for crying and screaming after lightly bumping my hand on a wall. It’s been five hours and it still feels as though my skin is being ripped off the bones in my hand. FML

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By Anonymous - 12/7/2020 17:01

Night terrors

Today, I woke up at night to go to the toilet. My Dad was doing his thing with the toilet door wide open. I saw, screamed at the top of my lungs and peed my pants in horror. Now my throat hurts and I'm too embarrassed to look at him. FML

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By datingmrpicky - United States

Today, my boyfriend told me he wouldn't have sex with me because yesterday I ate a sandwich in his bed and got crumbs in it. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Los Angeles

Today, at a family gathering, it emerged that my now ex-fiancé has been sleeping with his brother's girlfriend for some time now. A fight broke out, the police were called, and more than one of his relatives are blaming me for him cheating with her. FML

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By selena5112 - Norway - Troms?

Today, my mum got the idea of switching to a different dishwashing detergent. The new one is so strong that it coats all the dishes in a nauseating perfume-like smell. It's so pungent that it gets absorbed into everything we eat or drink. She's determined to use up the entire bottle. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Romantic

Today, my boyfriend thought it would be romantic to pick me up, throw me over his shoulder and take me to the bedroom. Little did he know that he literally threw me over his shoulder, and I face-planted on the ground. FML

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By True Story - Canada

Today, it's been a year since I've been with my girlfriend, and I think that I hate more things about her than I like. For instance, how she likes to throw furniture at me. FML

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By steppppphhhhhh - United States - Pacifica

Today, I got called an "evil Nazi bitch" because I let a customer know that this is the last day our store will have free plastic bags. FML

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By sicky - United States - Salt Lake City

Today, I learned that I have a sinus infection, ear infection and bronchitis so bad it was on the verge of pneumonia. My work won't let me call in sick. I work with kids. Lovely. FML

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By babybreath - United States

Today, I was babysitting my baby cousin. I was lying on my back playing with her, while holding her up in the air. As I was doing that, I made cooing noises and funny faces to get her to laugh. She laughed and threw up in my mouth. FML

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By oldskoolfun - United States - Warminster

Today, I woke up to my wife yelling at my 11-year-old because she found porn on the laptop. Now I have to come clean and tell her it was me so I can get him off the hook. FML

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Top comments

By CalebLawrence | 25

#6633765 - Wednesday 22 June 2016 10:49

Don't want to step on a crack now, it might run in the family.

By YoloWhiteRSA | 20

#6633776 - Wednesday 22 June 2016 10:55

Always listen to your mother. Get well soon OP.

COMMENTS

By Awesomeify | 15

#6633763 - Wednesday 22 June 2016 10:48

You took it at bit too literal there, OP.

By 20bricks | 28

#6633764 - Wednesday 22 June 2016 10:48

At least it didn't cost you an arm and a leg.

SecundusSecunda | 27

#6633767 - Wednesday 22 June 2016 10:50

He got it for the low price of a leg fracture! Call now and receive 2 for only 19.99 plus S&H to the hospital!

By CalebLawrence | 25

#6633765 - Wednesday 22 June 2016 10:49

Don't want to step on a crack now, it might run in the family.

By Rozay333 | 34

#6633769 - Wednesday 22 June 2016 10:51

At least your mom was trying to be supportive! :) Hope you heal quickly and get back on the dance floor asap! Good luck OP!!!

By YoloWhiteRSA | 20

#6633776 - Wednesday 22 June 2016 10:55

Always listen to your mother. Get well soon OP.

PePziNL | 20

#6634393 - Thursday 23 June 2016 2:19

Yeah or in this case, maybe dont /always/ listen to your mother.

By sillymama | 21

#6633778 - Wednesday 22 June 2016 10:57

Damn.

By Rawrshi | 25

#6633794 - Wednesday 22 June 2016 11:20

That's the spirit!

By james_logan | 19

#6633803 - Wednesday 22 June 2016 11:33

First you break your hand in your competitive dramatic speech, and now this!

By Geckosrock99 | 33

#6633958 - Wednesday 22 June 2016 15:40

You know you're not really supposed to break your leg, right?

By lui_pg | 21

#6634012 - Wednesday 22 June 2016 16:36

The dramatic speech competition really paid off