Today, my fiancee and I dropped off our kiddo at a birthday party. Since it's been a couple of weeks of no sex, I said, "We could have sex while he's gone!" She said "Or… we could clean!" FML
Today, I saw my roommate walk out of his room into the kitchen with a used condom in his hand, and plop it into the garbage disposal. "I don't really trust this girl" is all he said before he opened his door and walked back into his room. FML
Today, my normally-prudish girlfriend grabbed my crotch and said, "I want you to fuck me like I've never been fucked." I obliged. She loved it, until after we'd finished, when she decided that she felt "cheap, gross, and used" and started a huge fight. FML
Today, I had to teach my son to use private browsing because his porn keeps appearing in the search history. It worked, it’s no longer in the history, but he has added his favourite videos as tabs on the favourites bar. Either he’s a bigger idiot than I thought or he’s doing it on purpose. FML
Today, I learned that when you try to be respectful of your new girlfriend and stay out of her pants for the first couple of months, she's just going to sleep with your douchebag roommate. He even said, "A girl this hot, you need to fuck her ASAP or she'll leave. Your loss, dude." FML
Today, my husband was eating me out when he suddenly lifted up my hips and started licking my asshole. I screamed for him to stop, since it was disgusting. I don't think I can ever have sex again. I can't believe I married someone who would do that. FML
Today, my wife shouted at me for masturbating in the shower, because, "It’s disgusting." She hasn’t touched me sexually in two years FML
Today, I fucked up by jacking off. I have trouble getting "in the mood" due to medication and other things, so when I do I'm excited to enjoy myself, though it often takes a while and a lot of physical effort to get there. However, in the process of getting off today, I threw out my back and my hip. I'm only 29. FML
Today, I was dead tired and just wanted sleep, so I jumped into bed the second the day's chores were done. Of fucking course, this was the day my fiancée decided to end our eight-week dry spell and came in wearing sexy lingerie. I couldn't stay hard due to exhaustion, and now she's been crying. FML
Today, I've been with my girlfriend for almost six years and its been years since we had sex. I’m only 25. I’ve had a lot of urges and every time I’ve tried to start something she brushes it off. It's to the point where every sex scene I see in a movie makes me sad. FML
Today, I found out my husband is a cuck. After explaining that I'm not exactly satisfied in the bedroom, we were thinking of ideas to spice things up. I suggested buying a few toys he could use on me. He immediately got mad, because he wanted me to find other men to screw instead. FML
Today, my boyfriend turned down sex because he was watching TV and wanted to know how it ended. The show was probably ten years-old and on Netflix. He could watch it anytime he wanted. FML
Today, I learnt that I could be happy and free from the negative emotions brought on by my ongoing clashes with my fiancée. All it took were some tears in front of my mum for her to assure me that it's okay to be alone and single, and to do whatever is best for me. FML
Today, I found out how my high school dropout parents were able to support three children. Porn. A truly awe inspiring amount of homemade porn. FML
Today, my daughter turned up at my house because her boyfriend kicked her out. I rang him and it turns out his love and affection and even the time he spent getting to know her kids wasn’t enough for her, my daughter just had to throw it all away by sucking her coworker's dick in her boyfriend's bed. FML
Today, I was texting my boyfriend and things were getting a little steamy. He said, "I really want you right now." So, of course, I told him to come over. To which he replied, "Nah." FML
Today, I had finally convinced myself to attend my first BDSM party by telling myself, "No one there knows you, and if they do, they're interested in the same thing." Once there, I immediately noticed the giant hole in my train of thought: One of the bar staff was a fellow uni student. FML
Today, I wanted to show a photo of my cat to my colleague, but my phone fell out of my hand and scrolled to the next photo, a photo of me without a bra. Now he thinks that this is how I tried to let him know that I want a quickie. FML
Today, my husband and I were talking about possibly having a threesome. In his words, choosing a woman would be "a fun new experience for us to enjoy together." But choosing a man would be "forcing me to watch you cheat, and pretend that I'm okay with it." FML
Today, I jacked off out of boredom and loneliness to pictures on Instagram of girls in their hot Halloween costumes, because I'm such a loser that I haven't been invited to a party, and have no one that wants me to go with them. FML
Today, my wife is upset because at a party we took part in an X-rated 'Never Have I Ever', which exposed how filthy I was with past girlfriends, and how boring our sex life is. I’d done almost everything, while she, who’s only ever been with me, had only done 5 things off the list of about 40. FML
Today, my wife admitted she's upset with me because she can see I'm unhappy in our marriage. We've been married for over two months and we still haven't had penetrative sex because she's scared of the pain. I cook and care for the house alone (I work remotely), I make 6 times as much money as her, but she's mad I'm sad. FML
Today, my girlfriend of 4 weeks tried to use sex to manipulate me. After sex, I was blissful and half asleep, which is the time she chose to tell me she has some credit card debt and could I please help her pay it off. £27,000. Yeah, no. Don’t let the door hit you on the way back to the street. FML
Today, I realised that I'm addicted to a porn game… not because of the porn. The simple gameplay mechanic of combining objects on a board to make new objects makes my brain happy. I found myself feeling depressed at the thought that I'd have to wait 3 hours for my moves to recharge before I could play again. FML
Today, I, a fucking international student who's been here for like two weeks, ditched the end of a lecture because I had to get off in the men's bathroom, after being degraded by an ex who hates me. Instead of moving up in life, I do this stupid shit because I like being treated like entertaining garbage. FML
Today, I'm 58 years-old, and the 40 year-old woman I'm sleeping with is so tight that she "spits me out" every time she has an orgasm. I have to work it back in at least 5 times every time we get together. FML
Today, my six year-old son asked me, "Dad, what's a glory hole?" FML
Today, I was forced to use Egspy on my wife's iPhone. She is going out with a colleague in exchange for getting her promotion approved. I've never had any hints or doubts, but it seems she's having illicit relations with multiple colleagues. FML
Today, I was washing the dishes when my wife came in wearing a new lingerie set, smiling at me. I dropped what I was doing and carried her to bed. After we'd finished, she went downstairs for a drink, saw the dishes I hadn't cleaned, and started a fight. Now I'm on the couch. FML
Today, I overheard my grandad complaining that without the winter heating allowance, it’s going to be too cold for him and grandma to get naked for sex, unless they just expose the necessary bits to each other for a few minutes. Props they still get it on in their 70s but still, ew grandad. FML
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