Today, I was posing in front of the mirror, when I realized that everyone who looks at me can easily tell which arm I use to masturbate. FML
Collection
Fall
Dead leaves, the first cold of the season and an umbrella flipped inside out: fall, the season of grace.
Today, while at my mom's birthday dinner, I started to pretend to drum with one hand, using my left leg as the drums. Everybody stared at me and started to yell. Now they all think I was masturbating. FML
Today, I found out that when I masturbate at night while watching internet porn I cast a huge shadow on the curtain and the entire street is able to see it. FML
Today, out of habit, after scratching my balls, I then smelled my hand. It was at that moment I realized most of my gym was staring at me. FML
Today, I still can't decide whether masturbating while looking at myself makes me narcissistic or just plain pathetic. FML
Today, while in the bathroom, I started absent-mindedly drumming on my thighs. I didn't stop to think that people outside would think I was masturbating. FML
Today, at the gym, I caught sight of myself in the mirror while lifting weights and thought, “Damn, I look good!” I smiled. Then I realized the mirror was actually a window. A group of people outside had been watching me flex with a shit-eating grin on my face for God know how long. FML
Today, I went to the gym for the first time in a while and realized that I can lift way more with my left hand than with my right even though I am right handed. I also realized that I jack off with my left hand. FML
Today, I got caught masturbating, twice, by the same person. FML
Today, I realized the moans I make when masturbating sound like I'm crying. I realized this when my neighbor pounded on the door asking if I was okay. FML
Today, while I was showering, someone left a note on the bathroom door that read, "We can all hear you masturbating. Shut the hell up." I don't know what's more embarrassing, that everyone in my house thought I was masturbating or that I was actually singing. FML
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Top comments
bnutts 4
Well. Use your other arm, problem solved.
kcTheGreat 2
Wow..if you can actually see a difference it's time to get a girlfriend or at least a hobby..
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Comments (210)
wironandine 8
Lol
bnutts 4
Well. Use your other arm, problem solved.
RetardedChipmunk 7
That's tough. If you don't believe me try it
Jazzy_babe 2
Is your hand abnormally soft?! :P
RetardedChipmunk 7
Not my right one :D
wistfulorangeade 12
I'm an artist, so I can act like the carpel tunnel is from drawing.
skullcandifiedDJ 5
41- I can tell you're one hell of an artist
n_epic_fail 14
Is your girlfriend still withholding sex until you can enter her flacid?...
rdrr 2
That's called "the stranger".
kotabones 0
It's like a whole different person too. Like "who is this stranger?"
dudeman1212 22
How do you think us metal guitarists feel?!
Morgannnnuhhh 1
This guy must suffer from CMD. (chronic ************ disorder) or just FL. Forever alone.
shanemaximo 7
You must really beat the hell outta that thing to make the difference that noticeable.
DataWog 30
Poked my head in to see exactly how long it took for the first 'switch hands' comment to show up...... Internet, you make me proud.
NickyK 25
103- Wouldn't "Forever Alone" be FA and not FL?
juicystar777 4
dude. you act like the first thing somebody thinks about when they see you is masturbation.
RedMosquito 4
Take your watch off. Lessening the weight will build leaner muscles. ;)
SebastianG 2
I don't get why this is thumbed up? It's not funny -.-
CursedSilent 1
Lol, you may have poked your head in but that's clearly something OP has missed out on.
AceArctic 4
120 - I know I do. OP really tickles my peaches.
ImAnInsomniac 3
sorry but this has to be fake the only muscle you use when masturbating, or the second muscle you use lol, is in your hand. squeeze your thumb against your hand and feel the muscle that pops that's how you know which side you ********** with. the rest is cardio. this fml is bs
Dramori 29
lol, who else is imagining OP looking like a hermit crab, with one arm scrawny and the other one built like Schwarzenegger's? :D
emmanizzer 6
I thought the stranger was when you sat on your hand until it became numb and then masturbated!
thatssomeBS 9
That's why I use my left hand, even though I'm right handed. It balances it out.
Inediblepeaches 15
You live in Equestria?!?!
cc_the_beast 6
Like when Quagmire discovered Internet ****?
ledstratdak 0
Did any one else think of that one Johnny Bravo episode?
kcTheGreat 2
Wow..if you can actually see a difference it's time to get a girlfriend or at least a hobby..
SoSickWithIt 14
I think this FML was submitted by my brother.
linarahmany 6
hahaha
truegirl21 2
Really because if so that's so funny!!
Jewlz1162 5
30 lol
kurlyfries222 0
I agree, way too much masturbation going on!
bfsd42 20
30, don't you know that thread jacking is just plain rude.
All_Blacks 2
It could be a girl..
ThomasAZ 3
Actually not, seriously not
itsharkley 8
I probably do it more frequently than OP, but I only last 3 minutes with my hands. I will never get muscles.
RedPillSucks 33
Is it that one Popeye looking arm?
BeccaHugs 17
Start lifting weights with the other arm.
danielwilliams57 6
While masturbating?
Bluedoom 8
Just say half ur body is a badass then
RetardedChipmunk 7
That took years to accomplish... Have some pride!
gonad_gobbler 1
I use my feet so that doesn't happen
RetardedChipmunk 7
Flexability FTW
im_too_pro 2
Foot masturbation 1. Reality 0
daevilmatt 0
Lol
borkchop1992 15
Masturbation causes blindness so you should watch out
RetardedChipmunk 7
Please tell me you're not serious
Jazzy_babe 2
Exactly how is that possible??
borkchop1992 15
Im obviously not being serious how ridiculous would that be
RetardedChipmunk 7
16 Its a rumor that was created to keep kids from masterbating. There is some science to back the theory but its proven that it really doesn't affect anything.
borkchop1992 15
I would definately not be able to use this site if it was true
docscientist 10
23 - by science you mean not science.
GoW_Chick 15
Oh come on guys it also causes hairy palms, and everytime you ********** an angel crys and a kitten dies, true story.
RetardedChipmunk 7
37. Sure you're the expert here not me
bizarre_ftw 22
40 - is that why i have to get a new kitten every day? i just thought i had bad luck i switched to birds, problem solved ^_^
boredfishing 0
Get better aim?
KiddNYC1O 22
When I ********** and ejaculate I feel like a sour patch candy but in reverse.
perdix 31
Bullshit! Medical science has shown this to be a myth! It merely causes hairy palms.
110_percent 5
Not just palms, Chewbacca is actually human with a bit too much time on his hands.
ShakeMeDown 12
113 - More than just time.
beasting 0
No, it is true. To the people don't know what aiming is
1crabbygirl 10
If only I still had my eyesight i could read your clever comment.
bubuguzman 0
What do you mean aiming ?
Transformers84 0
Did anyone else see the pun? XD
apache316 6
Time to use the other hand!
RetardedChipmunk 7
1 beat you to it my friend :/
bnutts 4
:P