On the plus side, you'll probably do well if you invest in green body paint next Halloween.

This is why you wear a bag over your head. Maybe two, you might be a double-bagger. PS: making ear-wax candles isn't an "interesting hobby." Save that nugget for the fourth date or beyond.

Cheer up! Sometimes you swing and miss a bit. But as a person who is fat, ugly and at times what I feel is a bit of a loser, I’m in my 5th year of marriage to a cute girl who loves my love handles, is the opposite of me body wise (skinny, short, has hourglass figure) and used to be a model in Japan, sometimes it takes the patience to find someone who finds you irresistible. And I had to go through a horrendous divorce before I scored in this one and years of hell. Trust me, there is someone looking for the real you out there! Don’t get too discouraged. (My wife hates when I compare myself to moe sizlack and refernce the eeny-meeny-mya-moe “kiss the troll abd win a prize” quote)

I know this girl…. She’s a princess

One day, you'll find your Fiona. However, she might look like Ogre-Fiona and not Princess-Fiona.

Just like new DC United manager Wayne Rooney. It seems to have worked for him.

But Shrek is love, shrek is life