Today, I was driving my eight year-old son to school when a guy cut me off, prompting me to yell "Douche bag!" as a reflex out of the window. Realizing my mistake, I turned to my son and told him to never, ever talk like that. His response was, "Too late, douche bag." FML
Collection
Fall
Dead leaves, the first cold of the season and an umbrella flipped inside out: fall, the season of grace.
Today, I picked up my four year old son from daycare. As I was putting him in his car seat, I asked him if he had fun. He yelled, "Shut it, bitch!" FML
Today, I had a “Fuck you” shouting match with a guy who'd tailgated me in the slow lane through an active school zone. I flipped him off when he finally passed, which admittedly wasn’t my best move. He ended up beside me, windows down, where we verbally sparred like teenagers in a dick swinging contest. Regrettably. FML
Today, during a heated argument with my son, I lost my temper and called him a son of a bitch. He enthusiastically agreed. FML
Today, I had to go to my 10 year-old son's school to talk about my job being a chef. As I was almost finished, I asked the kids "What would you like to do when you grow up?" Without hesitation one kid replied with a straight face, "Anything but being a douchebag like you." FML
Today, I was driving my twin daughters to school, when I accidentally honked my horn. I told them it was an accident, then one of my kids said she already knew, because I didn't yell "ASSHOLE!" afterwards. FML
Today, while I was driving home, some jackass in an open-top sports car overtook us and flipped me off. Just as I overtook him in turn, my wife rolled down her window, pulled out her tampon, and launched it at the kid. I'm not sure who was more horrified, me or him. FML
Today, after being annoyed one too many times by my students' whiney attitudes, I accidentally blurted out, "Quit being such a bitch," to the superintendent's daughter. FML
Today, my dad was driving me to college. I'd cracked a joke about how old people like him shouldn't be allowed to drive, and I guess he took it personally, what with him speeding straight up to the parking lot wall, and only braking after I started shrieking in terror. FML
Today, while shopping with my 6-year-old daughter, she said, "Mommy, remember you wanna get duck tape!" A middle-aged guy nearby scoffed and told her, "DUCT, not DUCK. Dumb cunt." I ended up having to drive my bawling daughter home, with no shopping. FML
Today, I was driving to work when I was almost hit by a teenage driver. I gave her the finger and shouted "F*** you!" making sure that she heard me. I then saw my boss glaring at me from the passenger seat. FML
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Top comments
xMeganMayhem 6
Way to go, douche bag.
Jk530 1
I agree with your son.
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Comments (176)
Impulseforyou 6
133-You're a ******* dumbass. Kids will always hear words like "****" everywhere even if it's not from their parents. it could be from anywhere. A lot of people cuss, hell, I say **** all the time, it doesn't make me stupid or ignorant. So basically anyone who cusses is a complete dumbass to you? Shows just what kind of a person you are, you're the ignorant bitch. **** off. :D
tommyfox 19
Like father, like son!
princess151617 4
Lmao....
ChelseaKane 0
My kind of kid.
jacklynraex3 0
Today, I opened a pizza lunchable in an attempt to reconnect with my inner child and instead had a major meltdown that included every profanity under the sun when I found out there was no little plastic spatula to spread the sauce. FML
Tristan22 0
Ive taught him well
Benelli_SkM 0
What a badass.
scrtasnman13 5
Haha that's great, can't wait to hear the follow-up to this when he starts using that at school
linarahmany 6
I remember when i was little 1 of my older brothers said that to the other 1 and I coppied them and they told me not to say it again and I'm all like but that's not a bad word
justmyswag 9
YDI