Today, while making my daily offering of turd to the porcelain throne, I took out my phone and started playing a game. I suddenly felt a tickling sensation on my leg, and I freaked out as I saw hundreds of ants had emerged from behind the toilet. FML
Collection
Fall
Dead leaves, the first cold of the season and an umbrella flipped inside out: fall, the season of grace.
Today, I thought I felt something itch my butt as I sat down on the toilet. Sure it was just my imagination, I did my business. When I was done I saw there were 4 cockroaches crawling under the seat. FML
Today, I was peacefully using the toilet when I heard a familiar crunching sound behind me. After shooting up and frantically looking around, I hesitantly closed the toilet lid - just in time to see a black cockroach slip into a crevice of the toilet. The thing was close enough to go up my butt. FML
Today, as I put on my pajamas, a large spider ran down my leg. After freaking out, killing it, and recomposing myself, I went to the bathroom. As I sat down to go to the toilet, I looked up to see hundreds of baby spiders hanging over my head. FML
Today, while walking home, I really had to pee, so I decided to do my business in some high grass just off the street. When I got home, I felt an itch between my butt cheeks. I went to the bathroom to check it out, and a dead, apparently crushed spider fell out of my underwear. FML
Today, I was checking my phone while using the toilet. In a distressing moment of my brain mixing up the signals to my hands, I dropped my phone into the bowl and pressed my thumb into the shitty paper to turn it off. FML
Today, I woke up early to weird scratching and smacking noises. After gathering enough courage to check what it was, I found out it was just an ant stuck on a piece of paper. FML
Today, at work, I thought I had to fart, but didn’t trust it. I squeezed cheek and hurried to the bathroom. As I was sitting down, liquid shot out of my butthole and got on the seat. I then sat in it. On top of, that I saw a spider crawl out of my underwear. The spider bothers me more. FML
Today, I was about to get in the shower, when I felt an odd itch in my navel. I saw what I thought was bellybutton lint, so I pulled on it, and quickly realized what I had between my fingers was a still-squirming, headless tick. FML
Today, I took an incredibly painful dump. After I cleaned myself up, I got up and was about to flush, until I saw something moving around in one of the logs of poop. It looked like an earthworm. It wasn't there when I sat down. FML
Today, I saw a roach on my toilet. I thought it would be funny to pee on it. It jumped out, which scared me; I hit my head on the wall and started bleeding, then I peed all over myself and the wall. FML
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Top comments
Sarah_moustache 9
Daily offering of turd? Hahaha. Sorry, but that made my day.
aFreedom127 9
They were coming to collect the offering.
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Comments (236)
speedy420 0
I would shit myself if ants started covering my legs. and id be on the toilet so it would work out. Chyeah
abunny7 5
was this toilet in your house ?! o_O
Cosmic_Horror 1
Dude, you deserve it just for saying "making my daily turd offering to the porcelain throne."
ItsThisGirl 17
i cannot wrap my head around your immaturity
ruairiwright 0
I actually feel sorry for you, that would freak the hell outta me!!
Kturner 3
Get checked for diabetes no joke ants in your bathroom are a indication that you could have diabetes. They're attracted to the sugar in your pee
LiLKuttie 0
Love the phrasing in this FML. So extravagent.
Psycho_Babydoll 26
"Daily offering of turd to the porcelain throne" Epic win.
KittyHawkMarch 29
The porcelain throne was not pleased with your offering!
HunterAlpha1 8
+9000!!!!!
coolgirl44 3
Interesting way to say u were taking a shit, I like it