Intimacy: Today, while giving my boyfriend what I thought was an amazing... - FML

By Annoyed

Today, while giving my boyfriend what I thought was an amazing blow job, he asked me if I'd seen Kung Fu Panda 3 yet. FML

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Sorry…

BO Central

Nice neighborhood

By simple living - United States - Austin

Today, my dog threw up on the tiled floor. I found out at 6 this morning in the dark when I slipped and fell in it. FML

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By The Corner Of Death - United States - Spring

Today, my dog died. In the same kitchen corner that two of my other dogs have died. I have a "Corner Of Death" in my kitchen. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Moorhead

Today, my daughter finally gave birth to twin boys. She informed me that she named them Peregrin Took and Meriadoc Brandybuck. My grandsons are named after Hobbits. FML

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By jellyybean - United States

Today, I asked my boyfriend why he didn't believe in marriage. His response was, "I believe in marriage. Just not marriage with you." FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Brevard

Today, I tried kissing my boyfriend on the tip of his nose. He sneezed mid-kiss and head butted me. Now there is just an awkward silence. FML

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By sharkiewarkiemoosey - Switzerland - Gossau

Today, I tried to catch a train to get to my new job. I was stopped and told that I needed a pre-purchased ticket to enter the platform. The only way to get the ticket, they said, was by buying one on the platform. I arrived by taxi nearly an hour late for my first day. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Modesto

Today, I worked up my courage and took an elevator for the first time in my life. Unfortunately, it was also my first time getting trapped for several hours in an elevator. FML

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By scaryhairy - United States

Today, I accidentally cut myself with a razor blade on my toe. Not only does it sting really badly, but it reinforces the fact that I have abnormally hairy toes that need to be shaved. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, while registering at the grocery store, a customer came into my lane with a 100 piece boiled shrimp platter. Feeling hungry, I muttered "nom nom" under my breath. The old man called my supervisor. Apparently I called him a moron. FML

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By Sweet Jesus - 18/6/2020 14:02

NCIS: Dumbass Response Team

Today, when my almost-16-year-old asked if the 9-1-1 phone number was named after 9/11, I forgave her because she wasn't even born when it happened, but when my 18-year-old asked if jelly comes from jellyfish, I wondered if I've failed as a parent. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, at work, my husband came in and brought me flowers and a card for our anniversary. I opened the card to find a condom. I ran over and closed the door and we immediately got at it in the middle of my office. Halfway through, I realized I have been laying on the intercom button. FML

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By Anonymous - Canada

Today, I was using the toilet and decided to check out some FMLs. One made me laugh out loud as my room-mate was passing by the bathroom. He now tells everyone my penis is so small it makes even me laugh every time I see it. FML

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By Ted

Today, I finally felt comfortable enough to fart in front of my boyfriend for the first time. He went quiet, got up and left in his car. I haven't heard from him in 4 hours. FML

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By Uhg

Today, my spouse made it clear that they would rather play videogames than be intimate with me. I've tried everything but get nothing. FML

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By Chiiii

Today, I got home from working abroad for 8 months and opened my post. I'm being taken to court over 3 parking tickets my mum didn't tell me she'd gotten using my car. If we lose, my credit score is affected for 6 years. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Cottonwood

Today, my boyfriend canceled his plans to attend my father's wake, not even 10 minutes after he found out there won't be any alcohol on offer. FML

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By tatatest - United States - Casselberry

Today, I was taking a really big test in a class that I was failing. It was worth at least 7 grades so I studied my butt off. During the test, a girl with huge breasts sat down next to me and I couldn't stop staring. My test got confiscated because they thought I was cheating. FML

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By _SouthernClass_ - United States

Today, my youngest child gave me the cold she had. I also started my period yesterday. Now I can’t stop coughing, and I feel like a human ketchup packet. FML

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By WTF, America? - Sweden

Today, I was convinced by my friends to watch an episode of the American TV show "Here Comes Honey Boo Boo". They said it was bad, but I didn't anticipate having a full-blown panic attack ten minutes into it. FML

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By Anonymous - 17/11/2020 14:01

Thanks Dad

Today, I was cleaning out my deceased father's closet and found 4 boxes of BDSM porn videos, magazines and DVDs. To save his dignity, I hid them in my room to throw away on garbage day. My mom found the boxes in my room and now wants me to go to therapy. I'm only 16. FML

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By NotAnInLawFamilyMan - United States - San Francisco

Today, my mother-in-maw informed us that she sold her house and is moving in with us so we'll "take care" of her in old age. She's in perfect health. We've only been married for 4 months. My wife can't stand her for more than 2 weeks at a time, let alone living with us. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Beaumont

Feelings

Today, my girlfriend and I were going at it doggy style, really fast, when she started laughing. I asked her what was so amusing and she giggled, "I can't feel anything in there." FML

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By bender - Canada

Today, I decided that it would be good exercise to shovel the ice on the backyard patio. Now I can't stand up. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was straightening my hair for my Christmas Eve party. I put the hot straighter down on my bed for a second, and zoned out enough to sit squarely on it a few moments later. I now have burns on my ass cheek, and a six-hour party at which I can't even sit down. FML

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By mylovelifeisanepicfail - United Kingdom - London

Today, I discovered that the man I have been talking to on a dating site is actually my ex-boyfriend. He created a fake profile and made me fall for someone that doesn't exist. We got on better anonymously than we ever did in 3 years together. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Las Vegas

Today, I was trying to get my girlfriend to speak Mandarin. After speaking her first words and taking a break, she posted on Facebook: "I speak ching chong! :D :D :D" FML

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By justanothergamergirl

Today, and for the past 2 weeks, I decided to try online gaming, as it's something I've never done before. I already have a creep stalking me because I mentioned I was single and he is a horny virgin. Remind me never to talk about my lack of love life online again. FML

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By forkmylife - United States

Today, my school is having a mandatory class on etiquette. We've just now progressed onto forks after a long, tedious discussion on spoons. FML

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By that makes me a sad panda - Sweden - Ume

Today, my landlord's control issue got out of control when I got a call telling me I have "too much stuff" and have to move out of the apartment. I sold all my furniture when I moved in and all I currently own is a scratch post, a chair and a pair of curtains. FML

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By Anonymous - Senegal

Today, I threw a birthday party for my boyfriend. As a joke, my friend and I served him non-alcoholic beer to see how he'd react. After a while, he faked being drunk, using it as an excuse after I caught him making out with one of my so-called "friends". FML

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By JennyPenny - United States - Lawrence

Today, I found out that even though your brother agrees to watch your dogs for a week, it does not mean that he will pick up after them. Apparently, it's okay to leave piss and shit all over the deck and floors because they're not his dogs and he shouldn't have to clean up their messes. FML

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By thenewgirlfriend - United States - League City

Today, I cut my bangs. When I asked my boyfriend if he liked it he said, "It's like I'm dating a new girl, this way I won't get bored with you." FML

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By Oops - Australia

Today, while out with my boyfriend I accidentally let out a rather large fart. I was in such shock the only sentence I could make was "I farted." Clearly he was in shock too because the only words he could utter were "I know." FML

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By MoonStarShine3 - United Kingdom - Chorley

Today, my boss yelled at me for being 3 hours late. I was late because I fell down the stairs and broke my arm. Apparently, breaking my arm is not a good enough excuse. FML

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By DangerousDriver

Today, while delivering for a building supply company, I was sent to an incorrect address. I attempted to turn around and got the 24-foot truck stuck in the mud. The homeowner left for work and then called the cops, saying someone was trespassing on his property. FML

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By anonymous - Canada

Today, my boyfriend went and bought Skyrim, Modern Warfare 3 and renewed his WoW subscription. Looks like I won't be getting laid for a month or two. FML

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By alone in ND

Today, it's my 25th birthday. I closed at work, not one person wished me happy birthday, no calls or letters from my family. Even my boyfriend of 3 years didn’t remember. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I went to the hospital to visit my aunt and her newborn baby. The receptionist gave me the room number, and I went and my aunt was in the bathroom so I cuddle the baby, only to find that the woman who came out of the bathroom was a complete stranger. I was holding her baby. FML

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By internetadvice - United States

Today, my girlfriend broke up with me because she found out that she wasn't really in love with me. She got that advice from an internet survey. FML

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By yingyang2 - United States

Today, I have been teaching my 5 year-old step-daughter how to read and write. She came bounding up to me with a piece of paper and said, "look what I did". It was a letter that said "My dad misses my real mommy, not you". FML

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Top comments

By ThrottleJockey | 34

#7387102 - Thursday 12 January 2017 4:08

Well... have you seen it?

By RichardPencil | 29

#7389297 - Sunday 15 January 2017 18:27

You were doing a great 'job. The blowjob scene in Kung Fu Panda 3 is hotter than most live-action porn. Spoiler Alert!

COMMENTS

By ThrottleJockey | 34

#7387102 - Thursday 12 January 2017 4:08

Well... have you seen it?

Reply

ibra5428 | 0

#7389408 - Sunday 15 January 2017 21:24

????

By FrozenMusic | 26

#7389284 - Sunday 15 January 2017 18:13

He's a keeper

By dancingwell | 0

#7389295 - Sunday 15 January 2017 18:27

You deserved it. You deserve to see Kung fu panda 3. Awesome movie!

By RichardPencil | 29

#7389297 - Sunday 15 January 2017 18:27

You were doing a great 'job. The blowjob scene in Kung Fu Panda 3 is hotter than most live-action porn. Spoiler Alert!

Reply

daveshira | 3

#7393469 - Saturday 21 January 2017 8:39

Not all heroes wear capes

By meganblowe | 1

#7389349 - Sunday 15 January 2017 19:59

So was it good? The movie, not the blow job.

By RememberSchlitz | 9

#7389366 - Sunday 15 January 2017 20:24

You were doing fine - he's just trying to last longer. It used to be that guys would think about baseball. Now it's Kung Fu Panda 3. Times change, blowjobs are ever awesome.

By catdog414 | 11

#7389447 - Sunday 15 January 2017 22:12

Well that situation 'blows'

By ismedrage | 17

#7389556 - Monday 16 January 2017 0:48

Why are almost all the FML's about gay people

Reply

Allornone | 35

#7389817 - Monday 16 January 2017 13:30

why do you care?

Reply

cootiequeen4444 | 11

#7390339 - Tuesday 17 January 2017 4:50

because gay people are submitting a lot of FMLs that are accepted. that's why. not exactly rocket attorney, M.D., stuff.

By jadums | 5

#7389564 - Monday 16 January 2017 1:13

Lol. That's how guys think. Not a big deal.

By geniusness | 6

#7389643 - Monday 16 January 2017 6:22

Which style were you doing? Tiger? Monkey? Crane? Oogway - I bet you were doing Oogway.