Intimacy: Today, while giving my boyfriend what I thought was an amazing... - FML

By Annoyed

Today, while giving my boyfriend what I thought was an amazing blow job, he asked me if I'd seen Kung Fu Panda 3 yet. FML

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The smell detective is on the case

Coherence dude, do you have it?

A saint

By Eureka! I still lose....

Today, I was accused of cheating on our math test, instantly granting me a perfect zero. How? I used the wrong formula on a problem, but ended up with the correct answer. FML

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By thairsha - Japan

Today, I was at a Buddhist shrine and wanted to light a candle for my friend who's having a rough time, when I got stung by a bee. I spent the next hour with a swollen shoulder. How does karma work again? FML

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By brokeasscollegelife - United States - Tallahassee

Today, I biked to the store to buy a new lock, since biking is my only form of transportation. I left my bike unattended for the last time, only to come back with a new chain, but no bike. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was helping my dad move into his new house. It's a 4-bedroom house and he has three kids so it's perfect. I was wandering around and noticed that the first bedroom is his, the second is my older brother's, the third is my younger sister's, and the fourth is an office. I have no room. FML

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By whitefox123 - United States

Today, I was riding in the backseat while my mom was driving. Noticing she was driving way over the speed limit, I opened a police siren app on my iPod to make her slow down. When she realized, she pulled over, kicked me out of the car and made me walk home. FML

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By Well okay then - United States - Palmdale

Today, after letting the painters working on my house know that they're more than welcome to use my restroom, I walked outside only to find three of them pissing in my garden. One even aimed for my tomatoes. FML

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By thwack - United States

Today, during a workplace safety exercise at work, I managed to cut off the tip of my thumb. FML

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By PandaSuicide

Today, I jokingly told my die-hard Laker fan dad that I converted to become a Celtics fan. He responded, "Get out of my car." I'm currently sitting on a sidewalk, trying to convince him it was a joke. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, the workplace evacuation bell sounded. Out of panic after the recent earthquake, I ran down 21 flights of stairs, only to find out it was a false alarm. My legs are on fire, and I can barely walk. FML

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By vanessa_d15 - Canada

Today, my boyfriend and I were lying in his bed watching football when it went to commercial. He started kissing my neck and trying to get me turned on. Then I remembered we'd be going to visit his mom soon, where we'd be playing Wii. That thought turned me on more than my boyfriend did. FML

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By Casden - United States

Today, I was hanging out with my best friend. I have been getting explicit texts and phone calls so I just joking said to my friend, "I think someone wrote my number on a bathroom stall." At which point he said, "Sorry, I didn't think people really called those numbers." FML

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By Goosey - United States

Today, I was on Tiger TV, our high school's monthly TV program which was shown at lunch today. I was being interviewed and at one point the reporter made me laugh. I have a goose laugh so everyone in the lunch room started laughing. Then they played it in slow motion. Twice. FML

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By hackling fellow

Today, I was painting my mom's house, which so far had taken 12 hours over two days. All of a sudden there was a wind storm. All of the leaves stuck to the wet paint. FML

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By mhogan - Canada

The Laws of Attraction

Today, I was skiing and crashed into a tree. It was the only tree on the slope. FML

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By Kin - United States

Today, a girl I've liked for several years gave me her number. Finally, I worked up the courage to call her. It was a suicide help line. FML

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By Shoryugeki III

Today, on my way to work, I came across a road accident. I approached the victims and administered first aid, but when the paramedics arrived, they told the cops to take the "cosplayer" away. I'm the E.R. doctor of the nearby hospital. I later had to work with these S.O.B.s. FML

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By KornyKid - United States - Citrus Heights

Today, I got a new cat for my birthday. It ate my bird right when we got home, then it ran away. FML

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By randinosaur - United States

Today, a cop rear-ended me. Then I received a ticket from him for driving too far under the speed limit. We were in a school zone. FML

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By Anonymous - 31/12/2020 20:02 - United States - Stamford

Where were you?

Today, I came home from the hospital after six days. Despite having a cat sitter, they managed to shit on the bathroom floor and pee on my bed in protest for being gone too long. FML

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By Sonofa - Canada - Cold Lake

Today, I brought my girlfriend home for the first time to meet my parents. They were having a heated argument because my mom had bought "the wrong toilet paper" and my dad was angry because "she should know that he has a sensitive anus". FML

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By sickbaby - Singapore

Today, my parents grounded me and took away my phone, iPod and door. That's right, my door. They think that because I was stumbling and couldn't walk straight last night, I must have been out drinking. They know I suffer from chronic vertigo, but don't believe I was having an attack. FML

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By watchmaker - United Kingdom

Today, since I had no lessons until 1pm, I decided to head out to the store to run errands. Our school has a strict policy against leaving the campus during school hours. I returned to a fire drill taking place. The fire assembly point? The student parking lot. All 900 students watched me drive in. FML

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By cjgreer70 - United States - West Linn

Today, I was told I looked like Beaker from the Muppets. After doing a side-by-side comparison, I realized it's true. FML

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By fistpumpin4life - France

Today, at work I asked a woman how she was doing. When she replied, I didn't understand her, and instead of asking her what she said, I just replied with, "oh that's good." What she told me that I didn't understand was that her husband had just died. FML

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By LawSchoolBoi

Today, I told my roommate she had to pay $55 to replace a piece of the oven she broke. She told me I was being selfish and decided to illegally break our lease because I was, "making her feel unsafe." Now I not only have to pay for the oven repair, I also have to pay her next two month's rent. FML

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By Anonymous - 12/8/2020 17:01

Take the compliment

Today, I was working in the yard and took off my shirt. My neighbor yelled, "Nice tits!" I'm a dude. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was playing basketball outside in my driveway. I saw three cute girls walking by, so I thought I would try to show off a little by doing a backwards slam dunk. I jumped, completely missed the rim and hit my head on the backboard. Then my mom ran out to help me up. FML

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By TasedAndDazed - United States

Today, I snuck into my boyfriend's house because I knew his parents wouldn't be there. Later, I woke up in a hospital bed because his sister thought I was a burglar and tased me. FML

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By Justme - United States - Missoula

Today, while I was riding the bus to work, I noticed the guy sitting across from me had shorts on. He also had no underwear on and I could fully see his "parts" just hanging there. I decided to switch seats but as I stood up to move, the bus jerked. I fell face forward right into his "parts". FML

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By involuntary waxing - Canada

Today, I started a new medication, not paying much notice to the one side effect: "unusual vaginal secretions". They're unusual alright, they glued my underwear to my skin. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Toms River

Today, I was at a coffee shop, when a middle-aged guy called me a "two-timing whore", dumped his coffee on me and walked out in tears. I'm 14 and I have no idea who he was. FML

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By maxkeyftw - United States - Clovis

Today, I was at the dentist getting a cavity fixed for the first time. The dentist showed me the drill and other tools, and referred to them as things like "Mr. Bumpy Brush". I'm 15. She thought I was "special". FML

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By Anonymous - Canada

Today, I found out that the crumbs on the couch that look like the oreos you just ate, can actually turn out to be very crunchy, and have legs. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was going to take my boyfriend to Napa. It's my birthday and I wanted to do something big since last year my fiancée called off the wedding. My boyfriend just broke up with me because I'm "clearly not over" my ex. This makes two consecutive birthdays alone in romantic hotels I paid for. FML

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By GiveMeCake

Today, thanks to pregnancy hormones, I had the most vivid dream of eating a caramel apple mousse cake with vanilla bean ice cream. Unfortunately, yesterday, also thanks to pregnancy hormones, I was diagnosed with diabetes. My dreams are taunting me. FML

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By pipefitter28 - Canada - Vernon

Today, I tried to impress a girl at the gym on the squat rack, but let out a big fart. She was grossed out and laughed at me with her friends. Her boyfriend came over and told me I was a dead man, and I'd better leave. I'm now the proud owner of a year membership at a gym I can't go to. FML

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By R281780 - United States - San Jose

Today, my girlfriend is locked in the bathroom crying because I didn't buy her anything for Valentine's Day, even though Friday, at her suggestion, we agreed not to exchange gifts because both of our birthdays are a week away. FML

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By Anonymous - Canada

Today, I woke up to what I thought was my 9 month old son breastfeeding. It was my boyfriend. According to him, he wanted to experience what his mother never gave him as a kid. FML

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By BelleCharmante - United States

Today, I couldn't shut a drawer in my kitchen, because an oven mitt was blocking it. An oven mitt filled with tin-foil wrapped electronics. My Mom believes Internet hackers can get into her digital camera and prepaid cell phone, and apparently tin-foil will prevent that. FML

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By PO'd big bro - United States - Toccoa

Today, I had to call a few different women and explain to them that my little brother had catfished them. I had to do it because he is mute and my parents were too busy screaming at him. FML

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Top comments

By ThrottleJockey | 34

#7387102 - Thursday 12 January 2017 4:08

Well... have you seen it?

By RichardPencil | 30

#7389297 - Sunday 15 January 2017 18:27

You were doing a great 'job. The blowjob scene in Kung Fu Panda 3 is hotter than most live-action porn. Spoiler Alert!

COMMENTS

By ThrottleJockey | 34

#7387102 - Thursday 12 January 2017 4:08

Well... have you seen it?

Reply

ibra5428 | 0

#7389408 - Sunday 15 January 2017 21:24

????

By FrozenMusic | 26

#7389284 - Sunday 15 January 2017 18:13

He's a keeper

By dancingwell | 0

#7389295 - Sunday 15 January 2017 18:27

You deserved it. You deserve to see Kung fu panda 3. Awesome movie!

By RichardPencil | 30

#7389297 - Sunday 15 January 2017 18:27

You were doing a great 'job. The blowjob scene in Kung Fu Panda 3 is hotter than most live-action porn. Spoiler Alert!

Reply

daveshira | 3

#7393469 - Saturday 21 January 2017 8:39

Not all heroes wear capes

By meganblowe | 1

#7389349 - Sunday 15 January 2017 19:59

<p> So was it good? The movie, not the blow job.</p>

By RememberSchlitz | 9

#7389366 - Sunday 15 January 2017 20:24

<p>You were doing fine - he's just trying to last longer.  It used to be that guys would think about baseball.  Now it's Kung Fu Panda 3.  Times change, blowjobs are ever awesome.</p>

By catdog414 | 11

#7389447 - Sunday 15 January 2017 22:12

Well that situation 'blows'

By ismedrage | 17

#7389556 - Monday 16 January 2017 0:48

Why are almost all the FML's about gay people

Reply

Allornone | 35

#7389817 - Monday 16 January 2017 13:30

why do you care?

Reply

cootiequeen4444 | 11

#7390339 - Tuesday 17 January 2017 4:50

because gay people are submitting a lot of FMLs that are accepted. that's why. not exactly rocket attorney, M.D., stuff.

By jadums | 5

#7389564 - Monday 16 January 2017 1:13

Lol. That's how guys think. Not a big deal.

By geniusness | 6

#7389643 - Monday 16 January 2017 6:22

<p>Which style were you doing? Tiger? Monkey? Crane? Oogway - I bet you were doing Oogway.</p>