Today, the whole family came together to celebrate my grandmother's...

By Anonymous - 14/7/2011 08:40 - Austria

Today, the whole family came together to celebrate my grandmother's 80th birthday. My grandfather read a poem he'd written about how he had taken my grandmother's virginity 60 years ago. It went on for about 30 minutes. FML

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Intimacy

Great speech, thanks!

True hero

KoBabe

By Skoff - 23/7/2015 09:44 - Australia - Rydalmere

Today, I went out to inspect the backyard. There are now more than two dozen spiders hanging out and webs crossing from one side of the yard to the other. I have decided to surrender this territory. FML

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By Anonymous - 21/1/2016 13:40 - Belgium - Ieper

Today, I realised what kind of man I married when I finally shelved his book, "Getting Things Done", still untouched 3 months after buying it. FML

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By thechimpchapter - 31/12/2011 06:48 - United States

Today, I found out that the neighbor I'd given a bottle of wine to for Christmas is a recovering alcoholic. FML

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By juvenile friends suck - 10/1/2013 20:52 - Germany - Tangstedt

Today, I was in the elevator, when a big bearded guy stepped in, wearing a dress. It's not an uncommon sight where I live, but my friend cracked up and asked him if he was wearing underwear. He took it as a challenge, and I can safely say that no, he was not. FML

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By ouchh - 11/9/2009 20:46 - United States

Today, I got out of the shower to find my cat staring up at me. Apparently my swinging penis looks like a cat toy to her, so she jumped up and clawed and tried to bite it. FML

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By JPF - 13/8/2009 03:13 - Australia

Today, I found out that I was adopted, now my gay brother thinks it's acceptable to tell me that he's always wanted to have sex with me. FML

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By looke27 - 13/11/2010 07:21 - United States

Today, my girlfriend thought she was stronger than me so we arm wrestled. She won. I used both hands. FML

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By independence - 7/7/2011 04:04 - Australia

Today, my boyfriend of four years broke up with me because he wanted some independence. He moved back into his parents house. FML

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By jessica071509 - 24/4/2012 05:42 - United States - Phoenix

Today, my new dog unburied my old dog and chewed on his bones. FML

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By middleagednurse - 18/3/2020 17:00

Stay Safe!

Today, the cruise that I was looking forward to for over a year was cancelled due to the coronavirus. Trying to salvage what was left of my vacation, I booked a hotel for a few days near a local beach. They just announced that the beach was closed and the hotel is refusing to refund my money. FML

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By rippedoff - 4/3/2010 14:09 - Australia

Today, I found out that the man who sold me my car 6 months ago lied about it being "recently serviced" and "in excellent condition". It actually hasn't been serviced in years, and fixing all its problems is going to cost me $900 more than what I paid for the car. FML

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By smokin - 26/7/2011 21:22 - United States

Today, someone had the unique opportunity to be able to say to me, "Excuse me, your pants are on fire." FML

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By Topher - 25/8/2011 10:16 - United States

Today, I got tipped more than I have in my bank account. It was $5. FML

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By LizP40 - 27/8/2009 16:46 - United States

Today, I tried to initiate sex with my boyfriend. As I put on my most seductive moves, he ever so nicely says, "Babe, we just had sex last night. Why don't we wait a while so you've had some time to tighten back up." FML

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By HWS - 15/4/2011 05:47 - Canada

Today, I sneezed so hard I fell down the stairs. FML

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By Anonymous - 15/3/2010 14:05 - South Africa

Pragmatic

Today, after confronting my husband about lack of intimacy in our marriage, I found him playing with himself. His response to my shock was, "This is less work and less involving." FML

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By Anonymous - 14/10/2009 21:27 - United States

Today, I went to a party where I met some nice girls. One of them was really sweet and we were having a great time in my friend's backyard. As I was on the swing, I was gonna give her my number, but instead, I gave her a harsh kick to the face. FML

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By luvizwar - 18/9/2009 23:27 - Australia

Today, it is my boyfriend's and my one year anniversary. I bought him a Playstation 2. As soon as I gave it to him, he went straight to set it up without giving me anything. I said "What about me?" He walked over to me, gave me a kiss and said "I love it when you buy me things for no reason." FML

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By Anonymous - 28/11/2019 20:00

Surprising

Today, my younger sister had some friends over at ours. I was in the shower but was horrified to realize my clothes and towel were gone. Figuring that she took them, I tried to make it to my room without being seen, but one of her friends came up to use the bathroom. She saw everything. FML

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By lulupie - 8/8/2016 09:10

Today, I went to a job interview. I really needed the job to keep my apartment. As I was being interviewed, the manager looked past me and stared off into space. There goes the job and my apartment. FML

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By ilovebigmacs - 6/8/2015 04:10 - United States - San Francisco

Today, I spotted an elderly man trying to use the ladder at work. Knowing customers aren't supposed to use these, I went over and helped. Not only did I fall from the ladder, but I landed on the old man's foot, breaking my elbow and fracturing his toe. FML

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By Blerp - 22/1/2017 10:00

Today, I got chewed out by my boss for not doing my job. Turns out what's described in my job description, contract, and job title isn't my job. My real job is outlined in the footnote of my contract. FML

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By good-samaritan-fail - 6/10/2009 15:56 - Australia

Today, I was at a music festival when a group of idiots decided to push over a port-a-loo (portable toilet). I rushed over and tried to hold it up to save the person inside from a very messy and embarrasing scene. Not only did the door open, covering me in excrement, but there was no-one inside. FML

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By GlassPwn - 19/12/2009 05:01 - United States

Today, I walked into my room in only a towel. I walked in front of my brother to get to my computer. He said, "My webcam is on." I replied smartly by screaming, hugging the towel tightly to me, turning, and running straight into the glass door, dropping the towel. His friends saw and laughed. FML

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By I Hate My Brother - 9/10/2019 12:00 - United Kingdom - Colchester

Brotherly love

Today, I'm in hospital because of my brother. He followed me and my boyfriend around a fair yesterday dressed as a gorilla, and whenever we showed some sort of affection towards one another, he rugby tackled me. The final tackle caused me to break my wrist. FML

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By pray for me - 15/8/2019 04:00

Today, I'm so broke after my recent divorce that I stole toilet paper from my church. I'm the pastor. FML

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By IMAWAKE - 17/3/2014 19:07 - United States - Romulus

Today, my roommate's extremely loud and obnoxious alarm went off six times, waking me up each time, before she finally gave up on hitting the snooze button and went back to sleep for good. FML

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By canispankthat - 1/10/2010 11:07 - United States

Today, I caught my husband modeling my cute floral panties. All he could manage to say was "I love you." FML

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By eeelise5296 - 1/3/2012 20:39 - United States

Today, my boyfriend sent me a picture. In the mirror I could see a bra and thong sitting on his bed. They weren't mine. FML

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By Anonymous - 27/9/2018 13:30

Today, my husband hooked up with his classmate in the school I talked him into going to. I helped him pass classes to get there. FML

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By sammy77sam - 15/7/2013 13:41 - Saint Kitts and Nevis - Basseterre

Today, I told my girlfriend about my extreme fear of flying roaches. She immediately got upset because she thought, since I'm from the Caribbean, I would be "manlier" and "eat stuff like that for breakfast". FML

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By torny>horny - 10/4/2011 04:42 - United States

Today, my husband tried to be romantic by throwing me in a bed laid with roses. Too bad he forgot to remove the thorns first. FML

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By MissAggravared - 19/11/2014 08:27 - United States - Meridian

Today, I met my sister's fiancé. I would have been happier for her if he hadn't been mine a month ago when I introduced them. FML

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By brokenatthebar - 24/3/2017 09:00 - United States - Carleton

Today, I was dumped via text halfway through my 8-hour bar shift. I had to deal with my co-workers and customers asking me how my vacation with my now-ex was for the next 4 hours. FML

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By Anonymous - 26/8/2015 11:28 - United States

Today, I told my boyfriend I had to go out and that I'd be back later. He asked where I was going. "To see my other boyfriend," I chuckled, smiling. He took it seriously and wouldn't believe it was just a joke. I'm pretty sure I'm now single. FML

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By properpissed - 3/6/2014 15:36 - United States - San Francisco

Today, I was talking to one of my British friends online, and he told me to say "yew anchors" a few times really fast. I'm a fairly stupid person, and wasn't very focused, so I did as he said. When I finally figured what the words meant, my dad had heard and grounded me for cursing. FML

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By clecker - 8/10/2009 10:24 - Australia

Today, I finally paid off the massive debt on my credit card. I came home only to find that almost everything I owned had been repossessed an hour before I paid the debt. FML

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By Anonymous - 25/10/2014 02:53 - United States - Naples

Today, my mom called and casually let me know she'd wrecked my iPad after putting it in the dryer with my bed sheets. FML

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By Anonymous - 6/11/2012 02:48 - United States - Gainesville

Today, my best friend got engaged to the guy she's been seeing for five years. He also happens to be the man I've been in love with for eight. As she was giving me the details, she nonchalantly gave me her reason for accepting the proposal: "Why the hell not, there's always divorce." FML

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By anon - 24/3/2012 03:51 - United States - Addison

Today, I went to a concert with my new boyfriend. I had a panic attack halfway through and an ambulance picked me up. My boyfriend met my parents for the first time drunk, in the emergency room. FML

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Top comments

By saIty | 17

#2890710 - Thursday 14 July 2011 15:51

He must have been very specific if it went on for 30 minutes.

By Soloman212 | 28

#2890690 - Thursday 14 July 2011 15:48

How romantic! I'm sure the whole family enjoyed it. Did you ask for an encore?

COMMENTS

By Sniper3000 | 0

#2890659 - Thursday 14 July 2011 15:44

that must have been horrible srry op

adamcole20 | 0

#2890786 - Thursday 14 July 2011 16:03

grandpas are awesome

tittymagic | 0

#2890882 - Thursday 14 July 2011 17:39

old people are the best.
kid: grandma will you please say grace?
grandma: oh grace died 10 years ago kid.
lol

Iamnotmyself | 17

#2890900 - Thursday 14 July 2011 18:06

And then I passionately squeezed her buns, and a fire erupted inside like a volcano bursting at the sunset. Our screams of joy brought forward the feeling of bliss and angry complaints from next door neighbors.

Tektite | 14

#2890994 - Thursday 14 July 2011 19:23

Just think of it this way OP... They were young at the time? lmao

lcecreamNSadness | 2

#2891995 - Thursday 14 July 2011 23:43

You too can do it when you become a grandmom.
And blame it on Karma.

dolphincheddar | 10

#2892795 - Friday 15 July 2011 1:34

is there any way I could obtain your grandpas autograph?

Crncj | 0

#2894227 - Friday 15 July 2011 4:22

smart. he was smart to right a o
poem about it. and they've been together for 60years or so? damn....

ollierobs | 0

#2894507 - Friday 15 July 2011 4:54

It puts the lotion on its skin...

skillz8 | 0

#2894533 - Friday 15 July 2011 4:57

23 Christmas vacation reference for the win

ShakeMeDown | 12

#2894672 - Friday 15 July 2011 5:10

I like how no one has noticed that she was 30 when she lost it..

ShakeMeDown | 12

#2894702 - Friday 15 July 2011 5:13

whoops I mean 20.. iPods are not good for typing

By orangeduck | 6

#2890671 - Thursday 14 July 2011 15:46

Preach Grandma, preach! Praise da lord!

flavboarder | 9

#2891256 - Thursday 14 July 2011 21:50

that is soo gross, why even say that orange duck

smartypants96 | 3

#2895732 - Friday 15 July 2011 7:56

wtf dude thats nasty

By Soloman212 | 28

#2890690 - Thursday 14 July 2011 15:48

How romantic! I'm sure the whole family enjoyed it. Did you ask for an encore?

berrenduh | 0

#2907326 - Saturday 16 July 2011 18:27

that's hilarious

bjdavey | 8

#2914112 - Sunday 17 July 2011 15:38

Haha This is the best FML I have ever heard!

By saIty | 17

#2890710 - Thursday 14 July 2011 15:51

He must have been very specific if it went on for 30 minutes.

rattusrattus | 18

#2890996 - Thursday 14 July 2011 19:23

Here's hoping he's good. Or McGonnagall-level bad.

Complaining | 13

#2896982 - Friday 15 July 2011 11:20

Or just really slow and dramatic.

By shanie123 | 10

#2890712 - Thursday 14 July 2011 15:51

ewwww fyl

Edwinadii | 4

#2897633 - Friday 15 July 2011 13:58

Your only saying eww cus u still imagine them like if they were 80.

shanie123 | 10

#2934838 - Wednesday 20 July 2011 3:20

i'm saying ewww bc i wouldn't want to hear about my parents, let alone my grandparents!

By blackrose01 | 6

#2890714 - Thursday 14 July 2011 15:51

awkward.

By jamie72596 | 9

#2890719 - Thursday 14 July 2011 15:51

Haha, awkward...

middlekid2 | 5

#3014078 - Monday 1 August 2011 11:38

Your cute:)

By babygirlc1 | 5

#2890725 - Thursday 14 July 2011 15:52

vintage

MicMic_fml | 7

#2890899 - Thursday 14 July 2011 18:04

Black & white porn?

By rAnDomDiNoSaWr | 0

#2890737 - Thursday 14 July 2011 15:53

ucky! so srry for you OP.

By IIIXIII | 0

#2890756 - Thursday 14 July 2011 15:56

ultimately hilarious really...