Intimacy: Today, the whole family came together to celebrate my grandmother's...

By Anonymous - Austria

Today, the whole family came together to celebrate my grandmother's 80th birthday. My grandfather read a poem he'd written about how he had taken my grandmother's virginity 60 years ago. It went on for about 30 minutes. FML

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Intimacy

Season finale

The geyser

What a headache

By Anonymous - United States - Phoenix

Today, I found out that when I asked my buddy to make sure my girlfriend was safe while I was abroad, he really did; he even used a condom. FML

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By Anonymous - 16/10/2020 16:58

Proportional response

Today, our house caught fire. While trying to help my mom get to safety, the word "fuck" accidentally escaped my mouth. Once we were safe, she said I was grounded for swearing. I'm 19. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my girlfriend woke up in the middle of the night, crying. When I asked her why, she said that she had a dream where we were getting married. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, I had to explain to my Romanian colleague that, no, a cat flap is not a euphemism for a vagina. FML

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By potatoebee - United States - Clover

Today, my four-year-old son decided to bite my butt during prayer at church. The entire sanctuary heard me instinctively swear at him. FML

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By Crushed

Today, the girl I've had a crush on for months invited me on a group hiking trip, just so that she wouldn't be the most out of shape person on the trail. FML

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By fml - United States

Today, these cute girls approached me and asked me to take a picture of them. One girl asked me if I could send it to her because her phone had died. I was excited to have her number, but it turns out that she deleted the message after she sent the picture to herself. FML

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By Anonymous - Australia - Sydney

Today, during the countdown to midnight, I looked for my girlfriend so I could kiss her as 2013 began. I found her just in time to see her making out with some guy she swore was "only a friend." FML

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By Anonymous

Today, as I was pulling out of my apartment complex, I was rear-ended. When I got out of my car to see how bad the damage was, I wondered why the other guy wasn't getting out of his. As it turns out, he was busy pleasing himself. I found out when I approached his car. FML

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By Anonymous - Australia - Mount Eliza

Today, I gave my boss a gift card as a late birthday present, since I wasn't in the office on his actual birthday. He accused me of trying to bribe my way to a promotion, and suspended me on the spot. FML

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By bathtime - United States

Today, my boyfriend started freaking out about how his penis floats in water. Baths with him will never be the same again. FML

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By IVOaf - United States

Today, as I tried to get out of bed, I got my foot tangled in my sheets. I reached out to my dresser to avoid falling flat on my face. I didn't fall, but I did manage to smash my fingers in the drawer while still trapped in the sheets. FML

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By Blackshadows - United States - Somerset

Today, I accidentally poured milk into my bowl of chips. FML

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By whatdidIdo - United States

Today, I went to a restaurant with a girl I really liked. She started crying when an overweight family walked in and loudly sobbed about how the parents were "murdering" their children. This made the father of that family try to fight me. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, after feeling like I've been sucking as a friend and contacting a friend who has called me their best friend, but doesn't talk to me much, we grabbed a coffee. The whole time I was trying to have a conversation, she was on her phone. FML

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By Stupid-Brain - 6/10/2020 09:59

Please like me

Today, like every other time for as long as I can remember, even the slightest suggestion that someone doesn't want to be around me sends me into a major panic attack. I've been in therapy for three years to try and handle my anxiety. FML

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By Kevin

Today, my girlfriend broke up with me because I "always wear that stupid little hat." I'm Jewish. FML

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By Screwed - Australia

Today, I took some heavy pain medication before calling my boyfriend. I don't remember the call, but apparently confessed to really liking corn, and faking orgasms. FML

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By Lisa

Today, I came home from my vacation. My sister had been taking care of my dog and my apartment while I was away. As I walked in, I was greeted by a floor covered in poop and a destroyed couch. FML

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By Mito

Today, we had an impromptu meeting to get to know the new additions to the team. They asked me to introduce myself. I started a year ago. FML

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By Anonymous - Canada

Today, during a major argument with my girlfriend, I shoved a door open, which then rebounded and hit me in the face. I'm not sure which is more pathetic: that I was savaged by a door, or that I made up a story about kicking a mugger's ass to explain the huge black eye to my coworkers. FML

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By shuffling man

YDI Fosho

Today, my girlfriend told me she wanted to try anal, praise the lord hallelujah. As we were getting into position, she let out a rancid fart she'd been saving for my face. Apparently it was revenge for me seeing Mamma Mia 2 without her while she was at work yesterday. FML

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By soapypete - United States

Today, before a big client pitch I went into their office bathroom to quickly slick down my hair. It had two identical automatic faucets, one for water and one for hand soap. Now my hair is full of soap, and smells like industrial strength lavender. FML

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By all arsed out - United Kingdom - Spalding

Today, I suffered an uncontrollable sneezing attack. I have the runs. It wasn't exactly as bad as I'd have expected. Just a lot worse. FML

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By ohtheshame

Today, I sent a kinky text message to my boyfriend. Within minutes I got a reply of 'whoever this is, fuck off and give my girlfriend's phone back.' Apparently I'm so bad at writing sexy messages that my boyfriend thought it was a prank from someone who'd stolen my phone. FML

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By brokenhearted - Ireland - Dublin

Today, my boyfriend sent me so many nice texts that he made me fall in love with him that little bit more. It turns out he was sweetening me up before telling me he cheated on me the night before. FML

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By thissucks - United States

Today, after finishing a three-page essay for my spanish class, I went to rip up my brainstorming paper in an act of triumph. After I finished ripping it up, I looked on my desk to see my brainstorming paper fully intact, and my essay torn into bits. FML

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By ugh.. - United States

Today, while working at my life guard job, I noticed a girl bouncing on one foot over to the pool. Afraid she would trip, I whistled at her and harshly yelled "NO running or messing around on the pool deck!" She removed her towel, revealing her legs. Or leg, she only had one. FML

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By woodre - United States

Today, I was emptying a bag of grass from my lawn mower when I saw pieces of what used to be a 50 dollar bill. FML

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By BirthdayBoy - United States - Madison

Today, I was uninvited from my own birthday party. FML

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By outoflove - United States - Rockport

Today, my husband came clean to having an affair with my sister. I later found out my other sister encouraged the affair because she thought they'd be a cute couple. FML

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Today, my parents accidentally bounced some checks through a miscommunication. They now owe the bank $700 and can't afford groceries, which means we're relying on me, a 17-year-old girl who works at McDonald's 2 days a week, to get us by for the next few weeks. FML

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By boopingsnoot

Ready for the grill!

Today, at work, the chest freezer was accidentally turned off. I work at a vet and the freezer is our morgue. It got opened before anyone realized the contents had thawed. FML

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By jacks_smirking_revenge - United States

Today, while out to lunch, my sister called me and asked me to pick her up from the mall. I told her she'd have to wait. She got pissed off and started cursing at me, so I hung up on her. She called me back 37 times until I answered and yelled "WILL YOU LEAVE ME THE FUCK ALONE?" It was my boss. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I had to renew my driver's license at the DMV. Earlier, I was in a play and was still covered in stage makeup. I didn't realize that not all of it had come off until after my picture was taken and put on my new license. For the next three years, I'll be the guy with the dark eyeliner. FML

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By nanall - United States

Today, my 24-year-old brother tried to convince me that Hogwarts is real, because there is no way a person could have written that based on imagination. My parents agreed with him. FML

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By Catcrap! - United States - Rialto

Today, I'm moving from Arizona to Washington State with my 2 cats in my car. I've only just left and just learned that one cat gets carsick and the other stress farts. Only 956 more miles to go. FML

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By naas1201 - 28/11/2020 05:02 - China

Bigger cages! Longer chains!

Today, I'm working in China and I had to explain to my boss that no, it's not okay to not pay me for 3 months. FML

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By boyfriendless - United States

Today, I was babysitting a five year old boy. Somehow the topic of relationships came up, he asked me if I had a boyfriend. When I told him that I was single, he got all excited and asked if he could be my boyfriend. It would have been cute except he was the first guy to ever ask me out. I'm 18. FML

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By Bob - United States - New Bedford

Today, after saving for months to have a few hundred bucks set aside, the government sent me a car tax bill from 2010. Yep, 8 years ago. They want the interest on the bill too. Broke again. FML

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Top comments

By saIty | 17

#2890710 - Thursday 14 July 2011 15:51

He must have been very specific if it went on for 30 minutes.

By Soloman212 | 28

#2890690 - Thursday 14 July 2011 15:48

How romantic! I'm sure the whole family enjoyed it. Did you ask for an encore?

COMMENTS

By Sniper3000 | 0

#2890659 - Thursday 14 July 2011 15:44

that must have been horrible srry op

adamcole20 | 0

#2890786 - Thursday 14 July 2011 16:03

grandpas are awesome

tittymagic | 0

#2890882 - Thursday 14 July 2011 17:39

old people are the best.
kid: grandma will you please say grace?
grandma: oh grace died 10 years ago kid.
lol

Iamnotmyself | 17

#2890900 - Thursday 14 July 2011 18:06

And then I passionately squeezed her buns, and a fire erupted inside like a volcano bursting at the sunset. Our screams of joy brought forward the feeling of bliss and angry complaints from next door neighbors.

Tektite | 14

#2890994 - Thursday 14 July 2011 19:23

Just think of it this way OP... They were young at the time? lmao

lcecreamNSadness | 2

#2891995 - Thursday 14 July 2011 23:43

You too can do it when you become a grandmom.
And blame it on Karma.

dolphincheddar | 10

#2892795 - Friday 15 July 2011 1:34

is there any way I could obtain your grandpas autograph?

Crncj | 0

#2894227 - Friday 15 July 2011 4:22

smart. he was smart to right a o
poem about it. and they've been together for 60years or so? damn....

ollierobs | 0

#2894507 - Friday 15 July 2011 4:54

It puts the lotion on its skin...

skillz8 | 0

#2894533 - Friday 15 July 2011 4:57

23 Christmas vacation reference for the win

ShakeMeDown | 12

#2894672 - Friday 15 July 2011 5:10

I like how no one has noticed that she was 30 when she lost it..

ShakeMeDown | 12

#2894702 - Friday 15 July 2011 5:13

whoops I mean 20.. iPods are not good for typing

By orangeduck | 6

#2890671 - Thursday 14 July 2011 15:46

Preach Grandma, preach! Praise da lord!

flavboarder | 9

#2891256 - Thursday 14 July 2011 21:50

that is soo gross, why even say that orange duck

smartypants96 | 3

#2895732 - Friday 15 July 2011 7:56

wtf dude thats nasty

By Soloman212 | 28

#2890690 - Thursday 14 July 2011 15:48

How romantic! I'm sure the whole family enjoyed it. Did you ask for an encore?

berrenduh | 0

#2907326 - Saturday 16 July 2011 18:27

that's hilarious

bjdavey | 8

#2914112 - Sunday 17 July 2011 15:38

Haha This is the best FML I have ever heard!

By saIty | 17

#2890710 - Thursday 14 July 2011 15:51

He must have been very specific if it went on for 30 minutes.

rattusrattus | 18

#2890996 - Thursday 14 July 2011 19:23

Here's hoping he's good. Or McGonnagall-level bad.

Complaining | 13

#2896982 - Friday 15 July 2011 11:20

Or just really slow and dramatic.

By shanie123 | 10

#2890712 - Thursday 14 July 2011 15:51

ewwww fyl

Edwinadii | 4

#2897633 - Friday 15 July 2011 13:58

Your only saying eww cus u still imagine them like if they were 80.

shanie123 | 10

#2934838 - Wednesday 20 July 2011 3:20

i'm saying ewww bc i wouldn't want to hear about my parents, let alone my grandparents!

By blackrose01 | 6

#2890714 - Thursday 14 July 2011 15:51

awkward.

By jamie72596 | 9

#2890719 - Thursday 14 July 2011 15:51

Haha, awkward...

middlekid2 | 5

#3014078 - Monday 1 August 2011 11:38

Your cute:)

By babygirlc1 | 5

#2890725 - Thursday 14 July 2011 15:52

vintage

MicMic_fml | 7

#2890899 - Thursday 14 July 2011 18:04

Black & white porn?

By rAnDomDiNoSaWr | 0

#2890737 - Thursday 14 July 2011 15:53

ucky! so srry for you OP.

By IIIXIII | 0

#2890756 - Thursday 14 July 2011 15:56

ultimately hilarious really...