Today, a girl I have been wanting for years told me she was drunk and needed me to take her home. On the way home she was very frisky and flirty, and I kept telling her to wait till we got to her place. When we finally arrived, she passed out on me and I was stuck there watching her sleep. FML

Today, I thought the girl I was seeing was going to tell me that she loved me. Instead, she told me how she sucked some other guy's dick. FML

Today, I went to a party, and the girl I really like started telling me how much she likes me and how she thought we would be good together. I was so drunk I threw up on her. FML

Flop era

Today, I got the chance to hook up with the girl of my dreams, but I had whiskey d*ck and couldn't perform. I'm so embarrassed and now she's not messaging back. FML

I was the bullet in the relationship

Today, for the first time in two years, I met my ex-girlfriend. I was drunk. FML

Inebriated utterances

Today, after the girl I fell head over heels for asked me out last night, it turns out she was so drunk at the time, she doesn't remember and doesn't want to date me at all. I'm beginning to feel like my life is some shitty movie. FML

Cheers

Today, I went out drinking with a friend I've been crushing on for a while now. After we'd been talking and had a few, she said, "Man, I haven't gotten laid in months! Do you mind?" Surprised but hopeful, I nodded. She leaned over, hugged me, and went to hit on a guy by the bar. FML

Today, my girlfriend of two years called me, drunk, telling me how much anal sex hurts with some other guy. FML

Today, my girlfriend openly admitted to me that she wouldn't have gone out with me if she hadn't been drunk. FML

Today, I was at this awesome party and I was dancing with this really attractive girl who started making out with me all of a sudden. Five minutes later, my friend told me that the girl had just given him a blowjob. FML