By Margaret - 4/9/2020 02:02 - Canada - Toronto

Rollercoaster

Today, within the span of one day, the owner of the business I work at said I could write "Technical & Compliance Manager" on paperwork where I was the approver for engineered compliance of product regulatory records, but also that I was "basically just a secretary." FML

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Get me away from here, I'm dying

Sister of the year

Ambien conversations are the worst

By Suicidal - 20/12/2009 22:40 - Australia

Today, I had a mental breakdown after going through severe depression for several years. I told my boyfriend that everybody thinks I'm useless, to which he replied, "No you're not. You cook me good dinners." FML

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By Anonymous - 14/2/2018 08:30

Today, I asked my boyfriend of 7 months to come over on Valentine's Day so I can cook dinner for him. He asked if he could invite his wife over as well. Guess who's newly single right before Valentine's Day! FML

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By julia - 11/6/2011 11:12 - United States

Today, my five year old daughter came up to me and told me she wanted to be a nun. When I asked why, she replied, "So I won't get my heart broken by a boy." FML

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By kelscait - 1/7/2009 22:26 - United States

Today, I had my first kiss with this guy that I really liked. We started making out and he stopped and had this bizarre look on his face. I thought he was liking it, so I said, "You're a good kisser, you wanna go to the bedroom?" He replied with, "I'll pass, you have really bad breath". FML

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By no life to fuck :/ - 30/8/2013 23:37 - United States - Berkeley

Today, I found out that my grandma is a well-loved member of a notorious biker gang. Meanwhile, I'm a 32-year-old, single, minimum-wage nobody with no friends to speak of. She's probably getting more action than I ever will. FML

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By Anonymous - 14/8/2020 20:03

Minefield

Today, my cat pissed on my bed, so I had to change the sheets. Just as I got out of bed and take my first step, I stepped in my cat's poop as well and slipped, spraining my ankle. FML

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By That escalated quickly - 24/6/2015 19:45 - United States - Ocean City

Today, while driving to Nashville, I saw a bunch of wild turkeys huddled together on the side of the road. I was excited to point them out to my boyfriend, until I realized that the "wild turkeys" were in fact vultures, and that they were eating a dead deer. FML

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By Autocorrected - 26/11/2012 20:13 - Philippines - Makati

Today, I had some soup that my dad made. I took one sip and found he had put tons of hot sauce in it. I rushed to drink from a soda can sitting on the counter, only to find that my mom had used it as an ash tray the night before. I can still taste the hot sauce, and the ash. FML

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By I hate retail - 27/11/2015 02:26 - Australia - Kensington

Today, I had to carry a 25kg bag of cement to an elderly customer's car because she refused to use a cart. "You're paid to work, so I'm gonna make you work." FML

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By 3hoursleftofwork - 28/3/2012 18:02 - United Kingdom - Milton Keynes

Today, the magic of witnessing a sheep giving birth was ruined for me when I slipped and fell in the puddle of birth fluids. FML

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By Username - 1/6/2011 08:09 - Singapore

Today, the elevator in my apartment building broke down. I live on the 30th floor and am still climbing the stairs. FML

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By nodullmoment - 26/4/2013 03:01 - United States - Lafayette

Today, I got home and noticed people were looking at my next-door neighbor's house that is for rent. Peering closer, I realized my ex-boyfriend and the girl he cheated on me with a few months ago are inside. After they left, the "for rent" sign came down. I've got new neighbors. FML

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By Anonymous - 22/1/2012 08:25 - United States

Today, I was kicked out of a comedy club for laughing too loudly. FML

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By NotBridezilla - 17/12/2016 16:15 - United States - Klamath Falls

Today, after waiting 3 months until my friend's wedding was done being celebrated, I announced my engagement. My newlywed friend bitched me out for "stealing" all of the attention and being selfish. FML

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By sadcat - 6/2/2010 15:19 - United States

Today, I took my cat to the vet. He said he felt a strange lump that could be serious. I got really upset and picked her up, crying. The vet then told me I had to put her down. Absolutely devastated by having to euthanize my cat, I passed out. He meant I had to put her back on the table. FML

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By clementine_k - 22/3/2009 02:38 - United States

Today, I went out for coffee with a guy I really like. We met up at the local café, and decided to sit at a counter in front of the window. We talked and flirted for a while. Then he kissed me, and while he was kissing me someone banged on the window. It was my parents. They didn't know I'm gay. FML

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By Anonymous - 23/8/2009 23:00 - United States

Today, my son hit my husband's shop-vac while pulling into the garage too fast. He was grounded for 3 days. Later, while trying to demonstrate how to park safely, I hit my husband in his happy sacks with the mirror. FML

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By darianvilla - 22/7/2016 23:35 - United States - College Park

Today, I was happy because my co-worker was almost about to get fired due to his lazy habits. It was all going so well. Then I accidentally put my biggest sale yet under his name. FML

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By kittynapper - 17/7/2014 23:32 - United States - Denver

Today, I found out that my cat, that I've had for 3 years, is actually my neighbor's missing cat. FML

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By Is_This_Real - 30/3/2016 20:46 - United States - Pittsburgh

Today, the only constant person in my life is the guy that smokes outside my apartment building. FML

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By Anonymous - 31/7/2012 16:17 - United States - Hudsonville

Today, a girl told me she couldn't text me anymore, because she was too tired and had to sleep. Over the next three hours, she updated her Facebook and Twitter accounts, and made a YouTube video of herself singing. FML

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By atleastwedidntdie - 2/9/2017 23:15

Today, I was supposed to be sipping margaritas on a beach in Mexico. Too bad we only made it 37 miles before getting in a car accident. FML

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By klifestyle2012 - 12/11/2017 19:00

Classy.

Today, I came home to find my brother making out with my girlfriend while taking a selfie. FML

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By Anonymous - 9/8/2014 03:19 - United States - Scottsbluff

Today, my girlfriend and I tried out a website where you upload pictures of two people, and it shows you what their future children might look like. She actually started crying because the kid we were shown wasn't cute enough for her liking. FML

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By Username - 3/2/2011 18:27 - United States

Today, I went on a date with a guy, who decided to rudely text message his friend the whole time. When I got home, I realized he'd been texting the girl he was going to hookup with after our date; she happens to be my roommate. FML

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By badsister - 10/1/2010 15:37 - United States

Today, I made a batch of "special" brownies for a party I was going to tonight. I wrapped them up and put them on the counter with a note that said DO NOT EAT. Later on I came home from some errands to find a tray of half eaten brownies and my ten year old sister passed out on the couch. FML

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By RatherOCDthanNasty - 15/2/2017 04:00 - Norway - Oslo

Today, my mum told me I should see a therapist when she saw me wipe down a remote before using it. My dad has a knack for blowing his nose into his hand and wiping it on his pants, and my mum is the kind to pick up food residue from the drain and eat it - but sure, I'M the one with bad habits. FML

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By Anonymous - 18/3/2018 15:00

Today, as I was perusing old photos with my mother, I found one of her with a "childhood friend" at her wedding to my dad. Now I know where my green eyes and blotchy neck birthmark came from, and it's not from the man I’ve been calling "dad" for 40 years. FML

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By Noname - 12/3/2009 22:08 - United States

Today, my cat was in the bathroom with me. I was getting undressed to get into the shower. My cat looked at me after I'd undressed and then threw up all over the rug. FML

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By I hate children - 18/8/2014 12:10 - United Kingdom - Liverpool

Today, two children decided it would be fun to try to ding-dong-ditch me. I never answered the door as I saw them running away. They did it a couple of times before getting bored. That's when they decided it would be fun to come into my house instead. FML

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By swag papi - 22/1/2016 05:47 - Australia - Perth

Today, my pubic hairs were poking into my wang, I went to scratch it. Something bit my hand. FML

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By anonymous - 12/12/2015 20:58 - United States - San Francisco

Today, my step mom sat me down and told me that she doesn't think that my dad is my biological father because she hasn't gotten pregnant from him. I don't think she quite understands the concept of being a step mom. FML

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By writer4life - 17/1/2010 05:30 - United States

Today, I went on a date with a guy I met on-line. While cuddling on the couch, he asked me for a blow job. I refused. He said, "But I thought big girls liked doing that." FML

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By stupidity - 25/5/2012 19:30 - Switzerland - Geneva

Today, trying to look cool, I threw my coke bottle in the air, and tried to catch it with one hand. I missed and it fell to the floor. Luckily, it wasn't open, but in my unimaginable stupidity, I opened it less than five seconds later. FML

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By Anonymous - 26/6/2015 17:42 - Zambia

Today, my dad drunkenly confessed that the reason he never gave me the sex talk was because he figured that I'm too weird-looking and socially awkward to ever get laid. He's right, all too right. FML

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By creepyyy - 17/5/2014 16:54 - United States

Today, trying to be nice, I added this really shy kid from my English class on Facebook. Within minutes, he started going through all my pictures and tagging himself as my breasts. FML

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By Anonymous - 10/2/2012 05:31 - United States

Today, things were getting hot with my boyfriend and I started to breathe heavy and moan. He then says to me, "Babe, can you calm down, we're having sex not running a marathon." FML

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By ugh - 24/11/2014 12:40 - United States - Port Chester

Today, I was really excited to get a new bank account in my name. My parents wanted me to have it so they could transfer money from mine to theirs and vice versa. What excited me less was my father drunkenly accessing it and taking all my cash. FML

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By confusedphotographer - 19/4/2009 18:09 - United States

Today, I was fixing some photos for a client. I spent 20 minutes trying to Photoshop an unusual black dot out of a picture. Only then did I discover it was a black dot on my computer screen. FML

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By BirdBrain - 14/12/2017 19:00

Today, I discovered that I don't have a college fund. My mother stole the money when she divorced my dad and he never bothered to tell me. Now he's offered to pay my tuition if I go to a military academy. If I don't take the offer, he wants me to move out by next Friday. FML

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Top comments

By coius | 17

#7935923 - Friday 4 September 2020 16:12

Sounds like he’s basically just an asshole.

By RichardPencil | 28

#7935823 - Friday 4 September 2020 9:07

Do you have people who report to you? No, then you basically are a secretary.

Sounds like the owner is trying to fool the regulators by giving you a fake promotion.

COMMENTS

By RichardPencil | 28

#7935823 - Friday 4 September 2020 9:07

Do you have people who report to you? No, then you basically are a secretary.

Sounds like the owner is trying to fool the regulators by giving you a fake promotion.

By coius | 17

#7935923 - Friday 4 September 2020 16:12

Sounds like he’s basically just an asshole.

By bl3ur0z3 | 17

#7935970 - Friday 4 September 2020 17:40

I would tell him you don't feel comfortable approving things since you're basically just a secretary and these approvals would be above your pay grade.