By Anonymous - 30/05/2018 15:00
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OP - Clearly the marriage is on shaky grounds at best. I can only hope there are no children involved. You have my sympathy. I can only imagine what a betrayal this feels like. While some people have this sort of a relationship (not me!), I think it’s not the sign of healthy or even repairable relationship. It’s most likely that the wife already has a “boyfriend” picked out and that’s why she reacted the way she did - This is not just theoretical at this point. I recommend seeing a divorce attorney immediately - First consultations are free. It will give you an idea of what your options are and prepare you for whatever your decision will be. And from this point on, watch any financial transactions closely in case wife starts putting away money for herself instead of paying the bills - I have heard stories about that happening. OP - I hope that this is just a round spot and the relationship can be repaired. But I have doubts.
It's not generally true that first consultations with divorce attorneys are free. Your options all suck if you're the spouse with more earnings and assets. If you're in a no-fault, community property state, conduct during the marriage doesn't really matter in the division of assets. After looking at the bullshit realities of divorce, you may want to accept your wife's proposition on the conditions that 1) her boyfriend take over paying her living expenses, and 2) you can have a girlfriend and you can spoil her with your family income and assets. Everyone wins except the lazy, incompetent divorce attorneys!
I’ve been divorced twice (in the USA). In each case the initial consultation was free (different lawyers, different states). Obviously when you call to make the appointment you find that out. You are not obligated to use that lawyer until you sign the agreement to have them represent you and proceed. In my case(s) we used a lawyer mediator in the end so it was just one lawyer and not opposing lawyers. It’s more personally difficult in some ways at times because the soon to be ex’s have to come to an agreement themselves with the mediator present explaining what the law says in your case. But it’s far less expensive than opposing legal teams each telling their clients they can get what they want and keeping the litigation going until all the assets are spent - That nearly happened to my brother, the opposing lawyers and court took 2 years! In the best of cases divorce is expensive, painful, and messy. But if the parties cannot work out their differences within their marriage it’s the only way out of an untenable position and create a fresh start. I personally used the initial consultation with just me and a lawyer before escalating to find out what the basics were in community property and regarding support (child and spousal). Without knowing that, it hard to know what you are up against and make responsible choices - Then we went to a lawyer/mediator. If there are no children and the marriage is relatively short term, divorce is less expensive and less messy. Also there are usually less expensive options for legal assistance if you cannot afford a lawyer, though you do not get the same degree of personal attention. While it’s not guaranteed, in the USA the initial consultation with a lawyer about anything is generally free - but you find that out before making the appointment. Of course, that first consultation is fairly general, but if you come with the facts (length of the marriage, children and ages if there is any community property)- then they can give you some useful information before you sign the dotted line and decide to proceed or not. How else can you decide if you can afford to proceed with a divorce and their services or not? That is why they provide an initial consultation.
On similar grounds demand that you also want to have a girlfriend with marriage remaining intact. Wait...but that makes you a swinging couple. In that case..no comments. Already received my share of downvotes on some swinging FML previously.
Don't let downvotes slow you down! Were you going to say, "Make sure you don't take pics with dildos, and you'll be OK?" I thought so -- thumbs up from me!
Sounds like she may be poly, which is perfectly fine if both partners are ok with it. But obviously its not for you. She needs to respect that just as she wants you to respect her wanting a boyfriend. It might be best for you to go your separate ways so you can each be with someone who better fits your relationship preferences.