Today, my sister-in-law pooped with the bathroom door open until...

By Anonymous - 7/9/2013 11:26 - United States - North Easton

Today, my sister-in-law pooped with the bathroom door open until my husband had to tell her to close it, then she came out with unwashed hands and started rooting through the cookies. This isn't even the most unhygienic thing she's done today. FML

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Miscellaneous

Call CPS!

No one likes a smart-ass

Great boyfriend

By spadesmollusques - 6/6/2016 05:13 - France - Strasbourg

Today, my 10-year-old son introduced me to Tom, his new best friend, and insisted we have him over to dinner. Tom is a slug. FML

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By Scared - 13/7/2019 02:30

Today, I played a harmless joke on my neighbors by pointing a laser pointer out of my window onto their wall. Apparently, my neighbors don't take jokes lightly as one of the sons pointed at my window while screaming and swearing, then took out a gang bandana and wrapped it around his face. FML

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By Scarlett_Pixie - 24/12/2016 09:46 - Australia - Toowoomba

Today, my partner convinced both of our little brothers that we are naming our son Obi-Wan. They now won't stop rubbing my belly and quoting Star Wars. This is going to be one long Christmas. FML

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By Anonymous - 23/4/2013 11:25 - United States

Today, my pregnant wife paged my emergency line at work. Thinking she was in serious danger, I raced home and found her hysterically crying. When I asked her what was going on, she replied, "The dogs won't stop barking!" FML

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By jdrew32 - 4/2/2013 02:17 - United Kingdom - Liverpool

Today, after nearly 5 months of trying for a baby, I found out my wife has continued to take the pill as it gave her a better idea of her cycle and thus when she'd be "most fertile". FML

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By Wanaaa - 25/11/2016 07:08 - France - Toulouse

Today, I was watching TV with my husband and my 5-year-old son. Everything was going fine until my son asked his father, “Why can’t mom know that you have another sweetheart?” FML

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By Kim - 10/4/2009 07:12 - United States

Today, I got back a paper after a peer review. I had worked really hard on it over the last week and was proud of the end result. When I got the paper back the only positive comment on the paper was "well I really like the blue staple you used to hold it together." FML

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By briiiiiiii123 - 12/1/2015 07:56 - United States - Buffalo

Today, my boyfriend and I had 'car sex'. It sucked and resulted in him masturbating into a McDonald's bag. FML

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By bananna - 29/5/2014 15:18 - Australia - Sydney

Today, I found out our newborn snores worse than his father. FML

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By workaholic - 17/11/2010 07:34

Today, I was talking to my manager about a movie. She asked what main actors were in it, but the only one I could remember was Forest Whitaker. I told her then immediately blurted out "You know, the one with the freaky lazy eye." My manager has a lazy eye. FML

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By nancie - 2/8/2018 20:30

Today, while I was at work, my husband threw out 50 out of my 70 T-shirts, all of my tank tops, and all but one of my sweaters. I'm not getting them back because they're burning in a bonfire in the backyard. FML

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By anonymous - 7/10/2011 15:09 - Australia

Today, my Dad's banjo arrived, as part of his mid-life crisis. It would be fine if he could play it but unfortunately he's tone deaf. He hasn't stopped playing it for the last 4 hours. FML

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By Brokeandangry - 6/8/2018 21:13

Today, I bought my kids new mattresses for their new beds. Within 24 hours my son did a cannon ball onto his sister's bed to prove that it wouldn't break. The box spring snapped in half. FML

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By KarateKid76 - 5/12/2013 03:19 - Australia - Melbourne

Today, I was having it off with my boyfriend when all of a sudden he stops, grabs my breasts with both hands, makes circular motions with them, and yells, "Daniel-san! Wax on! Wax off! Wax on! Wax off!", killing my orgasm dead. FML

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By Carrie_Chaos - 23/5/2016 20:16 - United States - Fresno

Today, I started dating my best friend, who is Hispanic. I told my family the good news and all my father had to say to me was, "I will allow you to date him, but you should really think about settling with someone your own kind." FML

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By ari - 27/7/2019 20:00

Today, while on a road trip, I went to the bathroom at a gas station and locked the door. Turns out the lock was automatic and I'd actually unlocked it. My mom walked in on me, but instead of apologizing and leaving, she yelled at me in the middle of the gas station. FML

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By Dan - 9/11/2009 01:08 - United States

Today, I got a call from my ex asking if I could fix her computer. I brought my 7 year old son with me. On the way I told him, how I hated her, but I can't be rude. Once we get there, I say to her "it's nice to see you." My son says "but I thought you said you want her to fall off a bridge?" FML

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By Anonymous - 21/7/2014 22:49 - United States - Dublin

Today, I had to take my cat to the vet. On the way there, he managed to get out of his cage, climb into the front seat, onto my chest, and howl in my face as I tried to drive down the highway. I ended up with stitches and still got charged for missing my cat's appointment. FML

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By worksucks,Iknow. - 30/8/2018 15:00

Today, it's my first anniversary of being a manager! Today also marks a 12-month period of 30% loss in monthly income combined with 30+ hours/month of overtime. FML

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By h4rdy - 9/3/2012 16:55 - United States

Today, I was the 10th caller on a radio show. I answered the question correctly. The DJ informed I won a free air guitar of my choosing. I yelled with excitement over the air. The DJ then instructed me how to use my new air guitar. FML

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By NoBikesForYou - 26/9/2013 22:56 - Israel - Ramla

Today, I was showing my 6-year-old son how easy and safe it is to ride a bike. I didn't notice a pebble, bust up my leg and my son is now terrified of bicycles. FML

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By KMAC - 16/3/2010 20:14 - United States

Today, I found out my fiancé is in a long distance relationship with his ex. Not only do we live on the same island, he's also my neighbor and my co-worker. FML

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By why - 28/7/2014 01:55 - United States

Today, I listened to my best friend describe having sex with her boyfriend in explicit detail. This would have been fine, but her boyfriend is my little brother. FML

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By Anonymous - 9/12/2014 21:14 - United States - Margate City

Today, as I was leaving home for my mall kiosk job, my dad asked me where I was off to. When I said I was going to work, he tossed an empty beer bottle to the floor, belched, and said "Bah! Get a REAL job!" He's unemployed and living in my apartment. FML

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By Anonymous - 11/2/2009 01:44 - United States

Today, I got this huge package at my college dorm from my parents with candy, chips, canned soup and all these goodies. When I called my mom to thank her, she replied "We got rid of your cat, Annie". FML

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By OfficeFatty - 30/10/2014 02:41 - United States

Today, my skinny co-worker complained that sitting just underneath the AC vent was making her too cold. My boss had us switch places, because "your mass keeps you warm anyway". FML

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By JohnFarrell - 24/4/2009 17:20 - United States

Today, I was at the gym when I saw one of my friends at the water fountain. I went over and gave him a man ass slap while he was drinking. It wasn't my friend. I now have a black eye. FML

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By merrymary - 7/1/2012 11:11 - United States

Today, I moved in with my new roommate. She's a vegetarian, and won't let me put my meat in the fridge because it will "contaminate her food". FML

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By Anonymous - 6/5/2014 22:47 - United States - Sparks

Today, while working at Home Depot, a customer tried to engage me in a conversation about which gardening tool would "hypothetically" be the best to kill his wife with. FML

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By Anonymous - 16/5/2019 20:25

Today, it appears that I spent three years of my life studying for a degree to find myself driving around looking for potholes. That's literally my job. I didn't even study roading, my civil engineering degree is in designing structures. FML

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By Anonymous - 18/9/2014 07:32 - Australia - Rosebery

Today, my girlfriend visited my restaurant with some guy I'd never seen before. She introduced him to me as her "new boyfriend". She was always a cold bitch, but I never saw this coming. I had to serve their food while choking back tears, and I couldn't work up the nerve to spit in it. FML

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By Anonymous - 3/10/2013 05:24 - Canada - Scarborough

Today, my grandmother convinced me to come to a church meeting with her. My grandmother then made funny faces at me while the pastor was speaking, causing me to laugh out loud. Everyone heard me, including the pastor. FML

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By Liz - 6/2/2017 16:00 - United States - Salt Lake City

He Tried?

Today, I told my soon-to-be-ex that he never does anything for the kids, and hasn't contributed a dime. He showed up with a half a gallon of milk and a box of cereal. Not what I meant. FML

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By aarong - 10/2/2014 06:42 - United States - Tampa

Spotified

Today, I found my daughter's "sex songs" playlist. I was more disappointed by her poor taste in music than the fact that she is already sexually active. FML

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By SkinsCastSelection - 17/1/2011 06:24 - France

Today, I was getting it on with my boyfriend. I started to come, screaming, "Ah... ah... ah... AHH!" To which he added, "Staying alive! Staying alive!" FML

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By Prepper? - 6/12/2017 01:30

Going out of business? It's a matter of life and death!

Today, the accredited funeral home of my memorial plan is going out of business. Instead of delegating my policy to a different firm, they gave me the package. I now have to take home a land title for where I will be buried, my own coffin, and my headstone. FML

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By dxl - 18/2/2009 08:55 - United States

Today, I told my parents how grateful I am for having them in my life and that not many kids are as lucky as me. My mom texted me after I went out 10 minutes later: "Are you ok? You seemed depressed earlier." FML

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By suchagoodholiday - 5/10/2015 09:57 - Indonesia - Jakarta

Today, I've been in Bali for 12 days. We have done nothing but sit around because my whole family is sick, and they won't let me do anything because it's supposed to be a "family vacation". FML

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By newlyneurotic - 3/9/2017 07:00 - United States - Spokane

Today, I finally got the hearing aids that I've needed for years. My dog quickly learned that if he quietly sneaks up behind me and barks, it'll scare the hell out of me. It's now his favorite game. FML

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By G - 8/10/2011 17:03 - United States

Today, my dad came to confiscate my phone. I stuck it in between my boobs so he wouldn't be able to see it. He said, "Honey, your breasts aren't big enough to hide that." FML

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Top comments

By Welshite | 39

#5663082 - Saturday 7 September 2013 16:09

I'm scared to ask what the most unhygienic thing is...

By wisericky | 12

#5663083 - Saturday 7 September 2013 16:09

Those poor cookies :(

Comments

By Welshite | 39

#5663082 - Saturday 7 September 2013 16:09

I'm scared to ask what the most unhygienic thing is...

perdix | 29

#5663121 - Saturday 7 September 2013 16:27

Have you learned nothing from the Blue Waffle, the Alabama Hot Pocket and Two Girls, One Cup?

If you are afraid to ask, don't! There are things you are better off not knowing.

Epikouros | 31

#5663161 - Saturday 7 September 2013 16:53

I bet she kissed her dog after it licked its own arse. Or worse.

TheCanucklehead | 22

#5663173 - Saturday 7 September 2013 17:04

Woah woah woah woah woah woah woah. DO NOT bring up two girls one cup. You only go through that once (if you're lucky). I mean, chocolate was off for a month

Testing1234 | 25

#5663186 - Saturday 7 September 2013 17:14

how come everyone is assuming that's OPs sister in law is a grown woman she could still be a kid.

Treveyon56 | 14

#5663206 - Saturday 7 September 2013 17:44

I'm almost afraid to ask but what the hell is the Alabama hot pocket?

MidnaLink | 32

#5663217 - Saturday 7 September 2013 17:52

Testing1234 because most parents don't have kids 20something years apart.

perdix | 29

#5663230 - Saturday 7 September 2013 18:02

#46, you should be afraid to ask, so don't. You will be a better person for not knowing it.

I'm generally against ignorance, but there are some special cases where it's the wise path!

nottohappybride | 9

#5663284 - Saturday 7 September 2013 18:49

acutally #48 its more common than you think. My moms best friend is 18 years younger than her sister and my brother-in-law is 13 (13 years younger than my husband).

CallMeMcFeelii | 13

#5663285 - Saturday 7 September 2013 18:49

Google is your friend, 46. But these warnings should not be taken lightly.. You may never get on the Internet again..

FimogenFeels | 14

#5663579 - Saturday 7 September 2013 22:27

48 - Some parents do have kids over 20 years apart. Me and my brother are about 30 years apart! 39 might be right - maybe OP's sister in law is a kid.

lolita88_fml | 27

#5663635 - Saturday 7 September 2013 23:36

Hah! Never got caught by that one, never will!

bamagrl410 | 31

#5663845 - Sunday 8 September 2013 4:04

I've never heard of an Alabama hot pocket. I really want to find out, but I'm scared to considering the others it was compared to just now. Inner turmoil!

whyusofat | 17

#5664264 - Sunday 8 September 2013 14:31

I too am curious of the hot pocket ill will send a follow up.

DayvidFML | 7

#5664786 - Sunday 8 September 2013 23:03

It's horrible. Urban dicitionary it.

Kefka91 | 15

#5664822 - Sunday 8 September 2013 23:33

Today, I learned what an Alabama Hotpocket is. Eww. FML

MidnaLink | 32

#5664870 - Monday 9 September 2013 1:12

Fimogen- that's what MOST means

DocMcVickers | 13

#5664886 - Monday 9 September 2013 1:52

So I stupidly looked up Alabama hot pocket and I will never be the same.

Sarah2435_fml | 5

#5668754 - Wednesday 11 September 2013 15:29

The curiosity got to me and I looked up the Alabama hot pocket. Do not look it up. Ever.

Trippchic | 15

#5688406 - Wednesday 25 September 2013 0:26

hell I'm morbidly curious... aren't you lol?

Trippchic | 15

#5688409 - Wednesday 25 September 2013 0:30

I take it all back... I think I'm done with the internet lol. WHY do I keep doing this to myself. There goes my love of hot pockets...

By wisericky | 12

#5663083 - Saturday 7 September 2013 16:09

Those poor cookies :(

Welshite | 39

#5663092 - Saturday 7 September 2013 16:11

Says the guy who uses his butt cheeks to hold his signs.

wisericky | 12

#5663203 - Saturday 7 September 2013 17:40

Hey, my cheeks are clean!

evan_7899 | 28

#5663221 - Saturday 7 September 2013 17:53

Yea they are the shiniest part of the photo, polished to a squeaky clean shine that everyone loves

ImAFaker | 29

#5663409 - Saturday 7 September 2013 19:53

Oxi clean for the cheeks. Nice

By thebloodlegion | 14

#5663085 - Saturday 7 September 2013 16:09

Oh dang. Tell her to wash her hands and keep the dang cookies away from her! Sorry, OP.

By Zombie_Sea_Otter | 9

#5663086 - Saturday 7 September 2013 16:09

I didn't know Chips-A-Hoy comes with chunks of corn?

FelixJC | 14

#5663289 - Saturday 7 September 2013 18:54

That gave me the worst mental image... *Shudders*

Little4Bear | 10

#5663651 - Saturday 7 September 2013 23:54

Where else do you think the chocolate chips come from! :)

By turtlesarerad14 | 13

#5663087 - Saturday 7 September 2013 16:10

That's disgusting.. if that is your house, tell her she's not allowed to come back until she takes on cleaner habits. Good luck, OP! I hope you don't get E. coli.