Miscellaneous: Today, my sister-in-law pooped with the bathroom door open until...

By Anonymous - United States - North Easton

Today, my sister-in-law pooped with the bathroom door open until my husband had to tell her to close it, then she came out with unwashed hands and started rooting through the cookies. This isn't even the most unhygienic thing she's done today. FML

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Miscellaneous

Heavy traffic

GERD Gang!

Go to a doctor

By Anonymous

Today, we had our busiest day at work all year with lots of angry people calling, and a co-worker called in sick. I went to my local game shop after work, exhausted and upset, and guess who was at his usual table running a Dungeons and Dragons group, apparently not too sick to go out. Yeah. FML

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By grossed the f out

Today, I found out my boyfriend of two years, the father of my son, has been the pervert who has been harassing my mother with weird texts and pictures of his knob. The cops told me after we went to the police station to report it and catch the creep. FML

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By Failoffel - United States

Today, while working my job as a cashier, one of the customers that came to the register was a midget. As part of store policy, I had to ID him, and his driver's license said he was from Florida. So I asked, without catching myself, "How's the weather down there?" FML

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By jake - United States

Today, my girlfriend broke up with me because I forgot it was her birthday. We had only been dating for 2 weeks. I didn't even know when it was. FML

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By LadyJ - United States - Minneapolis

Little shit

Today, I had to tell a parent about her son kicking a boy in his class. She blamed me for not watching him. I wasn't watching him because I was turned around to care for another boy he had hit right before that. FML

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By crazycora - Belgium

Today, I woke up to my kids shaking me, saying, "Get up, Santa was here!" I got up to find my TV, computer and MacBook Air all gone. FML

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By lizbeth - 23/5/2021 04:01

Anaconda

Today, I took a massive shit and flushed the toilet, but it apparently didn’t flush properly. My mom then entered the bathroom, took a picture of my shit, and showed it to everyone she knows. She doesn’t understand why I’m embarrassed, and thinks that I should instead "take pride" in my giant poop. FML

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By elipses - Canada

Today, I got a report telling me how I had handled a mystery shopper at work. In this report I found out that instead of saying "Thank you" I had said "Have a nice day, take care." This kept me from getting my $150 bonus. FML

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By 092492 - United States

Today, I was finally able to get up and take a shit after being bedridden due to my knee surgery. I had diarrhea and because I can't properly bend my knee, I can't wipe my butt. FML

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By Anonymous - 29/10/2020 11:02

The sweet smell of success

Today, my dad decided to make home-made popcorn. He accidentally used old fish oil instead of mazola oil. Now the house reeks of fish and we can't even throw the popcorn out for fear of attracting wild animals. FML

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By anon13 - United States

Today, at a family Seder, (a Jewish service for Passover), my mom served matzah balls during the festive meal. Considering how much I love matzah balls and there aren't many options for me to eat because I'm a vegetarian, I shouted, "I like really big balls!" in front of my entire family. FML

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By Foreveralone - United States - Hartford

Today, I was told I'm not invited to my best friend's birthday party. Apparently, being divorced and childless doesn't "mesh" well with the rest of the group. My parents are still watching her kids so she can go away for the weekend. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I tried to surprise my parents on their first day back from New York with candles I made. I used actual lavender flecks from our garden for the scent in the candles. My plan worked until the lavender caught on fire which then spread to all of our mail and newspapers. Welcome home. FML

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By Username

Today, I lost my virginity, I think. Does it still count if she left halfway through, laughing? FML

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By thanks babe - United Kingdom - Bridgnorth

Today, I told my boyfriend about how I was a test tube baby. He looked at me with confusion before asking, "But if scientists made you, surely you'd be really attractive and talented and stuff?" FML

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By lily - 12/4/2021 23:00

Young body, old soul

Today, I was diagnosed with gout. I’m 19. FML

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By bad karma - United States

Today, I was so hungry that I literally stole candy from a baby. FML

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By Jason McGinnis - 22/9/2020 16:51 - Canada - Brampton

That'll be Kevin in accounting

Today, just like every other day, my company is so dysfunctional that local food chains require us to pay cash up front for our catering, because we routinely take 6 months or more to pay for a chicken sandwich. FML

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By atleastshelldiefirst - United States

Today, I was grocery shopping, when an elderly lady walked up to me and tripped over her own feet. I caught her by the arm, at which point she shrieked at me for "groping" her. She ended up smirking as security threw me out of the store. FML

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By Lissa

All the single ladies (All the single ladies)

Today, I’m a 28 year-old single mom who has never has never experienced an orgasm. This sucks. FML

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By lissa - 1/6/2021 11:01

Asshat

Today, at school, some kid I’ve never liked came up to me and said, to my face, "I’m really happy to hear about your mom." She died two weeks ago. FML

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By Soline - France

Today, I wanted to wake up my sweetheart with a surprise blowjob. He surprised me as well with a knee to the stomach. FML

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By Anonymous - Bulgaria - Batanovci

Today, I was riding my bike home from the store. Wanting to impress some passers-by, I tried to do a trick on a sharp turn. I hit a pole with my balls. As I was lying on the ground in agony, a guy pulled over, took a picture, and took off laughing. FML

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By Anonymous - Canada

Today, I was drunk and crashed on my friend's couch to sober up. On the drive home, a cop pulled me over for seemingly no reason. He kept asking if I had been drinking, to which I answered no. Finally, he told me to look in the mirror. My friends had written all over my face while I slept. FML

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By TIlly - 23/2/2021 14:01

Sharkeisha, no

Today, after seeing an old viral video on YouTube, my boyfriend started calling me Sharkeisha. Our friends thought he was implying that I'm violent with him. FML

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By Not Worth a Lunch - United States - Durham

Today, my boss told me they were letting me go because they "could no longer afford to pay me." Never mind the catered lunch they had the day before, which cost more than a week's worth of my salary. FML

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By thank god you'll only live once - Canada - Hamilton

Today, in the lunch line at school, a kid literally ordered a "hamburger with extra swag." FML

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By Anonymous - France

Today, I asked out a guy at work that I really like. He just stared at me and said, "Honestly? I'd rather smash my balls with a mallet. No offense." FML

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By ohno. - Canada

Today, at work while washing the dishes I was told to go put some things into the big freezer at the back of the store. While doing so, the door closed behind me, so naturally I pushed it, only to have my wet hands freeze to the door. I yelled to my manager for 10 minutes before help came. FML

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By CandyCrushAddict - United States - Wilson

Today, while having sex with my wife, my Candy Crush addiction hit me full force, and all I could do was think about possible moves I could make in the level I'm stuck on. FML

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By Anonymous - 28/5/2021 14:00

Sorry Danny de Vito…

Today, I met my celebrity crush in an official capacity, I was completely tongue tied and when I stood to shake her hand, I tripped and fell with my face in her cleavage. She thought it was funny, but I was mortified and my boss suspended me until security footage proves I didn’t do it on purpose. FML

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By ... - France

Today, I was at a school rally I was talking to my friends when I noticed the entire gym had gotten quiet. Not knowing why I thought it would be funny to yell out "it's too quiet!" apparently it was a moment of silence for a teacher that had recently died. FML

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By nohablaespanol - United States - Sanger

Today, I had an interview for a job I really wanted. On my resume, I wrote that I speak conversational Spanish, although I don't. When I arrived for the interview, my interviewer decided to conduct it in Spanish. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Desoto

Today, hours after being turned down for sex, I woke up to my boyfriend sitting at the computer, jacking off to a picture of my deceased mom. FML

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By jacey chreyest - United Kingdom - London

Today, I married the love of my life. I was ecstatic until the wedding reception, where my new husband got drunk and started crying about how he'd been "forced" into marrying me. FML

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By justno - Canada - Mississauga

Today, my sister ran into my room unannounced while I was on webcam with a potential employer. Before I could react, she looked at my screen, said "Damn, he's fucking hot." and flashed him. FML

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By P DarklyKira

Bunged up

Today, after weeks of quarantine, I can finally go to the hospital to get my haemorrhoid surgery, which was confirmed. I have a big internal one. I didn't not consult with the same doctor as before, but he didn't even do a check up inside and told me, "You have nothing, go home." I can't shit. FML

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By RachelDC - United States

Today, I noticed a string was following behind our family cat. After close inspection I realized it was a plastic kite string he partially digested. I had to pull the other three feet of plastic kite tail from his rectum. He purred the entire time. FML

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By szechuansauce

Today, my nine-year-old niece found my coloring book that features swear words. I took it away and hid it in a different spot. No less than an hour later, her younger sister found it. FML

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By lovehurts - United States

Today, after breaking up with my girlfriend of two years over the phone, I recieved a knock on my door. It was my now ex-girlfriend who came to seek revenge by shooting me in the balls with a paintball gun at about a three foot range. FML

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Top comments

By Welshite | 39

#5663082 - Saturday 7 September 2013 16:09

I'm scared to ask what the most unhygienic thing is...

By wisericky | 12

#5663083 - Saturday 7 September 2013 16:09

Those poor cookies :(

COMMENTS

By Welshite | 39

#5663082 - Saturday 7 September 2013 16:09

I'm scared to ask what the most unhygienic thing is...

perdix | 29

#5663121 - Saturday 7 September 2013 16:27

Have you learned nothing from the Blue Waffle, the Alabama Hot Pocket and Two Girls, One Cup?

If you are afraid to ask, don't! There are things you are better off not knowing.

Epikouros | 31

#5663161 - Saturday 7 September 2013 16:53

I bet she kissed her dog after it licked its own arse. Or worse.

TheCanucklehead | 22

#5663173 - Saturday 7 September 2013 17:04

Woah woah woah woah woah woah woah. DO NOT bring up two girls one cup. You only go through that once (if you're lucky). I mean, chocolate was off for a month

Testing1234 | 25

#5663186 - Saturday 7 September 2013 17:14

how come everyone is assuming that's OPs sister in law is a grown woman she could still be a kid.

Treveyon56 | 14

#5663206 - Saturday 7 September 2013 17:44

I'm almost afraid to ask but what the hell is the Alabama hot pocket?

MidnaLink | 32

#5663217 - Saturday 7 September 2013 17:52

Testing1234 because most parents don't have kids 20something years apart.

perdix | 29

#5663230 - Saturday 7 September 2013 18:02

#46, you should be afraid to ask, so don't. You will be a better person for not knowing it.

I'm generally against ignorance, but there are some special cases where it's the wise path!

nottohappybride | 9

#5663284 - Saturday 7 September 2013 18:49

acutally #48 its more common than you think. My moms best friend is 18 years younger than her sister and my brother-in-law is 13 (13 years younger than my husband).

CallMeMcFeelii | 13

#5663285 - Saturday 7 September 2013 18:49

Google is your friend, 46. But these warnings should not be taken lightly.. You may never get on the Internet again..

FimogenFeels | 14

#5663579 - Saturday 7 September 2013 22:27

48 - Some parents do have kids over 20 years apart. Me and my brother are about 30 years apart! 39 might be right - maybe OP's sister in law is a kid.

lolita88_fml | 27

#5663635 - Saturday 7 September 2013 23:36

Hah! Never got caught by that one, never will!

bamagrl410 | 31

#5663845 - Sunday 8 September 2013 4:04

I've never heard of an Alabama hot pocket. I really want to find out, but I'm scared to considering the others it was compared to just now. Inner turmoil!

whyusofat | 17

#5664264 - Sunday 8 September 2013 14:31

I too am curious of the hot pocket ill will send a follow up.

DayvidFML | 7

#5664786 - Sunday 8 September 2013 23:03

It's horrible. Urban dicitionary it.

Kefka91 | 15

#5664822 - Sunday 8 September 2013 23:33

Today, I learned what an Alabama Hotpocket is. Eww. FML

MidnaLink | 32

#5664870 - Monday 9 September 2013 1:12

Fimogen- that's what MOST means

DocMcVickers | 13

#5664886 - Monday 9 September 2013 1:52

So I stupidly looked up Alabama hot pocket and I will never be the same.

Sarah2435_fml | 5

#5668754 - Wednesday 11 September 2013 15:29

The curiosity got to me and I looked up the Alabama hot pocket. Do not look it up. Ever.

Trippchic | 15

#5688406 - Wednesday 25 September 2013 0:26

hell I'm morbidly curious... aren't you lol?

Trippchic | 15

#5688409 - Wednesday 25 September 2013 0:30

I take it all back... I think I'm done with the internet lol. WHY do I keep doing this to myself. There goes my love of hot pockets...

By wisericky | 12

#5663083 - Saturday 7 September 2013 16:09

Those poor cookies :(

Welshite | 39

#5663092 - Saturday 7 September 2013 16:11

Says the guy who uses his butt cheeks to hold his signs.

wisericky | 12

#5663203 - Saturday 7 September 2013 17:40

Hey, my cheeks are clean!

evan_7899 | 28

#5663221 - Saturday 7 September 2013 17:53

Yea they are the shiniest part of the photo, polished to a squeaky clean shine that everyone loves

ImAFaker | 29

#5663409 - Saturday 7 September 2013 19:53

Oxi clean for the cheeks. Nice

By thebloodlegion | 14

#5663085 - Saturday 7 September 2013 16:09

Oh dang. Tell her to wash her hands and keep the dang cookies away from her! Sorry, OP.

By Zombie_Sea_Otter | 9

#5663086 - Saturday 7 September 2013 16:09

I didn't know Chips-A-Hoy comes with chunks of corn?

FelixJC | 14

#5663289 - Saturday 7 September 2013 18:54

That gave me the worst mental image... *Shudders*

Little4Bear | 10

#5663651 - Saturday 7 September 2013 23:54

Where else do you think the chocolate chips come from! :)

By turtlesarerad14 | 13

#5663087 - Saturday 7 September 2013 16:10

That's disgusting.. if that is your house, tell her she's not allowed to come back until she takes on cleaner habits. Good luck, OP! I hope you don't get E. coli.