Miscellaneous: Today, my sister-in-law pooped with the bathroom door open until...

By Anonymous - United States - North Easton

Today, my sister-in-law pooped with the bathroom door open until my husband had to tell her to close it, then she came out with unwashed hands and started rooting through the cookies. This isn't even the most unhygienic thing she's done today. FML

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Miscellaneous

Dementia or hate? You decide

Late term

And today, on Dr Phil…

By I don't want to be here anymore - Canada - Edmonton

Today, realized I need a new job. This happened when I was seriously considering ways to break my leg so I could stay at home for a day and not have to deal with my boss. FML

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By tstaeger - United States

Today, I tried drinking "Smart Water" for the first time. I couldn't figure out how to open the bottle. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - South Sioux City

Today, I told my family I was divorcing my husband. My little sister asked if "we can keep him instead". FML

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By OneGirlsLife - United States - Spartanburg

Today, it was supposed to be my birthday dinner with two of my friends. They're both now bringing their boyfriends, so I get to be the fifth wheel to my own birthday dinner. FML

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By aaah. - Canada - Caronport

Today, I had to take Viagra. FML

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By WhatdyaDo - Canada

Today, I spent a solid four hours and over one hundred dollars preparing a nice fancy meal for my new girlfriend. A delicious three pound rack of ribs with a sweet and sour marinade. Steam broccoli with melted cheese. Home made buttermilk biscuits. I serve the meal. She doesn't eat beef. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I started an awesome job with competitive pay. I also found out that the place is closing its doors in June. FML

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By kayla53 - United States - Elmer

Today, my boyfriend posted pictures of him at the bar last night with his ex. And ones of them in her bed this morning. I guess we're sleeping with other people? FML

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By unknown - France

Today, my boyfriend told me he hasn't showered since our first date. We've been dating for three weeks. FML

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By tomtomcutiepoof - United States

Today, my best friend set me up on a blind date with someone he said was very hot. I'm not exactly what you call fit, so I haven't been dating lately. As soon as I got to the restaurant, I spotted the girl. She looked me up and down, said, "You have GOT to be kidding me" and left. FML

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By HowAreYouAlive - United States - Ashburn

Today, my coworker called in to say that he couldn't make it to work today because he was in a coma and asked if I could cover his shift. This isn't the first time he's tried to use this excuse. FML

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By Sara - United States - Manassas

Today, while working, a woman complained that she didn't ask for sauce on her sandwich. After examining the sandwich, I realized it was just melted cheese. When I told her, she threw the sandwich at me. FML

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By Nick - United States

Today, I finally beat the song "Through the Fire and Flames" on Guitar Hero 3. I then realized that it was the biggest accomplishment I've ever made in my entire life. FML

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By gazza - United Kingdom - Guildford

Today, in the middle of a localised drought, and an accompanying hosepipe ban, my mother has decided that she still needs to water her lawn. To balance out the water usage, she's placed a complete ban on the use of our shower until the weather lets up. FML

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By not anymore - United States - Monroe

Today, I made a Facebook post about my upcoming driving test. My grandpa said he knew I would succeed, prompting my idiot boyfriend to reply "For sure, she really knows how to suck seed ;)" followed by him liking his own comment. FML

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom - Southampton

Today, a couple asked me to donate my eggs so they could start a family. When I refused, I was called heartless by my ex-husband and the woman he cheated on me with for over two years. FML

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By "Cass Lyles"

It was a phone call

Today, I was talking to my fiancé on the phone. I said "alright see you in 10 minutes babe". My boss must have thought I was talking to him because he said "alright (my name) see you later". FML

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By anon

Today, I wore a Stanford college T-shirt to school. My Spanish teacher took one look at it and said "You wish". FML

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By t-dawg - United States

Today, I thought it would be funny if I put a 'Free if Hot-Wired' sign on my friend's car. I guess it worked. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I found thousands of ants in a secret nest in an unused corner of my apartment. They were feeding on the baking mix I forgot in a box from moving two months ago, and the queen has been laying her eggs on my wireless router. FML

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By Anonymous - 25/10/2020 12:02 - Canada - Ottawa

It wasn't me

Today, my mom blamed me for her family knowing about my dad cheating on her. She has forgiven him after multiple affairs with different ladies, yet she blames me that her family found out because they question her decision to be with him. FML

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By RjsBabe - United States - Tulare

Today, after I got the birth control implant, waited a week like my doctor told me, my fiancé is still too scared that I'll get pregnant. It's been 2 months. FML

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By UGH - United States

Today, I had to return a shirt to Target. My mom offered to do it for me on her way to work, so I gave her the shirt and receipt. Later, I realized that on the same receipt I had purchased condoms, lube, and whipped cream. FML

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By nomorepetbird - United States

Today, my pet bird died. He had caught some illness and had been extremely sick for the past few days. He didn't die from the illness though. My dog ate him. FML

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By goodmorning - United States - Nashville

Today, I was eating a bowl of cereal and noticed something float to the top. On closer inspection, it turned out to be a mouse turd. I had already eaten half the bowl. FML

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By Sooz - Canada - Abbotsford

Today, after 6 months of sex, my boyfriend showered himself with praise for managing, for the first time ever, to stretch the act out to a full minute. FML

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By Vermont? - United States

Today, in my AP U.S. history class, we had a very long, very slow discussion about whether or not Vermont is a state. I think I lost brain cells. FML

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By screwed - Chile

Today, I crapped in my pants and had to wait an hour of commuting till I could clean it up. What a sight and smell it was on the subway. Thank God I had sunglasses to wear. FML

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By grannygirlfriend - United States

Today, my boyfriend admitted the reason he was dating me was because he has a fetish for grandmothers and apparently I look, smell, and act like one. FML

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By holyshitbatman - United States - Chicago

Today, I woke up naked next to my gay roommate after a night of drinking. Neither he nor I remember anything. FML

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By dumbass stereotypes - 25/3/2020 20:00

The Gordon Ramsey of Racism

Today, I was chatting with a guy on a dating site. He accused me of being a liar and trying to catfish him after I told him I like my steak medium-rare. According to him, that can’t possibly be true because black people only eat their steaks well done. No exceptions. What an idiot. FML

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By last literate - Canada

Today, my boss made me run yet another stupid errand. When I delivered the paperwork to his office, I saw an email printout on his desk. Apparently, he has a plan in the works to get me "fried" next month. I'm not sure whether to give him a letter of resignation or a bottle of barbecue sauce. FML

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By Fillifilo - France

Today, I was having a hard time waking up. When I sat down for breakfast, my chair rocked backwards. I reflexively grabbed out at something to hold on to. Unfortunately, I grabbed the cereal box that was on the table. FML

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By KingSnow03 - 31/3/2020 20:00

Stay away from us!

Today, because I have a coughed a total of 2 times in a row, I'm now banned from seeing any of my family until I get tested for coronavirus. The earliest available appointment is May 3rd. Looks like quarantine is going to be a lot worse than I thought. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Hopkinsville

Today, as always, my boyfriend has the ability to pop his eyeballs out of his eye sockets. He thought it'd be funny for me to wake up face-to-face with the disgusting sight. The shit in my bowels did an early Thanksgiving Day parade straight into my underwear. FML

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By SwoopingEagle

Today, my co-workers were laughing at me because I couldn't throw paper into the bin, regardless of how close I was. Annoyed, I tried to prove then wrong by angry throwing paper into the bin that was no less that 1 cm away from me. I missed. FML

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By 552220000

Meanwhile, at Harvard…

Today, I raised my hand to answer a question, but I forgot the answer, so when the teacher called on me, I just said, "I need to pee." FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Cincinnati

Today, my girlfriend came over to my place unannounced. She slapped me in the face, said, "You son of a bitch." and stormed off. I have no idea what that was for. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, I was let go from work because they need "younger people". I'm 19 and I work at a flower market. FML

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By Anonymous - Malaysia

Today, someone switched my hairspray with bug spray when I didn't notice. I used it. FML

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Top comments

By Welshite | 39

#5663082 - Saturday 7 September 2013 16:09

I'm scared to ask what the most unhygienic thing is...

By wisericky | 12

#5663083 - Saturday 7 September 2013 16:09

Those poor cookies :(

COMMENTS

By Welshite | 39

#5663082 - Saturday 7 September 2013 16:09

I'm scared to ask what the most unhygienic thing is...

perdix | 29

#5663121 - Saturday 7 September 2013 16:27

Have you learned nothing from the Blue Waffle, the Alabama Hot Pocket and Two Girls, One Cup?

If you are afraid to ask, don't! There are things you are better off not knowing.

Epikouros | 31

#5663161 - Saturday 7 September 2013 16:53

I bet she kissed her dog after it licked its own arse. Or worse.

TheCanucklehead | 22

#5663173 - Saturday 7 September 2013 17:04

Woah woah woah woah woah woah woah. DO NOT bring up two girls one cup. You only go through that once (if you're lucky). I mean, chocolate was off for a month

Testing1234 | 25

#5663186 - Saturday 7 September 2013 17:14

how come everyone is assuming that's OPs sister in law is a grown woman she could still be a kid.

Treveyon56 | 14

#5663206 - Saturday 7 September 2013 17:44

I'm almost afraid to ask but what the hell is the Alabama hot pocket?

MidnaLink | 32

#5663217 - Saturday 7 September 2013 17:52

Testing1234 because most parents don't have kids 20something years apart.

perdix | 29

#5663230 - Saturday 7 September 2013 18:02

#46, you should be afraid to ask, so don't. You will be a better person for not knowing it.

I'm generally against ignorance, but there are some special cases where it's the wise path!

nottohappybride | 9

#5663284 - Saturday 7 September 2013 18:49

acutally #48 its more common than you think. My moms best friend is 18 years younger than her sister and my brother-in-law is 13 (13 years younger than my husband).

CallMeMcFeelii | 13

#5663285 - Saturday 7 September 2013 18:49

Google is your friend, 46. But these warnings should not be taken lightly.. You may never get on the Internet again..

FimogenFeels | 14

#5663579 - Saturday 7 September 2013 22:27

48 - Some parents do have kids over 20 years apart. Me and my brother are about 30 years apart! 39 might be right - maybe OP's sister in law is a kid.

lolita88_fml | 27

#5663635 - Saturday 7 September 2013 23:36

Hah! Never got caught by that one, never will!

bamagrl410 | 31

#5663845 - Sunday 8 September 2013 4:04

I've never heard of an Alabama hot pocket. I really want to find out, but I'm scared to considering the others it was compared to just now. Inner turmoil!

whyusofat | 17

#5664264 - Sunday 8 September 2013 14:31

I too am curious of the hot pocket ill will send a follow up.

DayvidFML | 7

#5664786 - Sunday 8 September 2013 23:03

It's horrible. Urban dicitionary it.

Kefka91 | 15

#5664822 - Sunday 8 September 2013 23:33

Today, I learned what an Alabama Hotpocket is. Eww. FML

MidnaLink | 32

#5664870 - Monday 9 September 2013 1:12

Fimogen- that's what MOST means

DocMcVickers | 13

#5664886 - Monday 9 September 2013 1:52

So I stupidly looked up Alabama hot pocket and I will never be the same.

Sarah2435_fml | 5

#5668754 - Wednesday 11 September 2013 15:29

The curiosity got to me and I looked up the Alabama hot pocket. Do not look it up. Ever.

Trippchic | 15

#5688406 - Wednesday 25 September 2013 0:26

hell I'm morbidly curious... aren't you lol?

Trippchic | 15

#5688409 - Wednesday 25 September 2013 0:30

I take it all back... I think I'm done with the internet lol. WHY do I keep doing this to myself. There goes my love of hot pockets...

By wisericky | 12

#5663083 - Saturday 7 September 2013 16:09

Those poor cookies :(

Welshite | 39

#5663092 - Saturday 7 September 2013 16:11

Says the guy who uses his butt cheeks to hold his signs.

wisericky | 12

#5663203 - Saturday 7 September 2013 17:40

Hey, my cheeks are clean!

evan_7899 | 28

#5663221 - Saturday 7 September 2013 17:53

Yea they are the shiniest part of the photo, polished to a squeaky clean shine that everyone loves

ImAFaker | 29

#5663409 - Saturday 7 September 2013 19:53

Oxi clean for the cheeks. Nice

By thebloodlegion | 14

#5663085 - Saturday 7 September 2013 16:09

Oh dang. Tell her to wash her hands and keep the dang cookies away from her! Sorry, OP.

By Zombie_Sea_Otter | 9

#5663086 - Saturday 7 September 2013 16:09

I didn't know Chips-A-Hoy comes with chunks of corn?

FelixJC | 14

#5663289 - Saturday 7 September 2013 18:54

That gave me the worst mental image... *Shudders*

Little4Bear | 10

#5663651 - Saturday 7 September 2013 23:54

Where else do you think the chocolate chips come from! :)

By turtlesarerad14 | 13

#5663087 - Saturday 7 September 2013 16:10

That's disgusting.. if that is your house, tell her she's not allowed to come back until she takes on cleaner habits. Good luck, OP! I hope you don't get E. coli.