Today, my sister-in-law pooped with the bathroom door open until...

By Anonymous - 7/9/2013 11:26 - United States - North Easton

Today, my sister-in-law pooped with the bathroom door open until my husband had to tell her to close it, then she came out with unwashed hands and started rooting through the cookies. This isn't even the most unhygienic thing she's done today. FML

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Miscellaneous

Dangling modifier

Rock, hard place

Non-baby fever

By pwib - 18/3/2012 07:07 - United States - Napa

Today, a bunch of my friends have been accepted to various colleges while I've been denied to the past 5. To cheer me up, my mom drove me to McDonald's. While we were in the drive-thru, she asked them if they had any job openings. FML

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By sexyswollen - 24/10/2009 17:14 - Netherlands

Today, I woke up to find my face all red and swollen. Turns out it is caused by the medication I’ve been taking for over a week now. Only in very rare cases it will cause redness on your skin. I’m glad to know I’m special. FML

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By dating a fucking psycho - 14/2/2013 20:06 - United States - Hickory

Today, I tried to give some change to a homeless man. My girlfriend pulled me away and ranted about how homeless people are all basically bastards who deserve their misfortune, and that I shouldn't give "our" money away. FML

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By Anonymous - 30/4/2020 02:00

Jot that down

Today, I wrote my phone number on a Post-it note and gave it to a cute girl at work. She immediately threw it away. In front of me. FML

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By kellie1115 - 10/4/2012 04:41 - United States - Rowlesburg

Today, my boyfriend and I were having a serious conversation about our future. Somehow it turned into a 10-minute discussion about what time of day we usually take a crap. FML

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By Fillifilo - 18/4/2012 04:38 - France

Today, I was having a hard time waking up. When I sat down for breakfast, my chair rocked backwards. I reflexively grabbed out at something to hold on to. Unfortunately, I grabbed the cereal box that was on the table. FML

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By dork - 2/7/2009 04:42 - United States

Today, I was at dinner with my boyfriend and his family. We were talking about relationships, and I commented on how online dating was the dumbest thing ever. His mom and step-dad went on to tell me how they had met through an online dating service. FML

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By Syd - 21/12/2012 16:00 - United States - Plano

Today, I looked at my neighbor's empty lawn; he's an old guy and he usually has the best Christmas lights. We knew he might not be able to do them this year, so I felt bad and I did them for him. Later, a neighbor asked about them and I told her that I helped out. She said, "You do know he died, right?" FML

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By Anonymous - 10/12/2010 21:59 - New Zealand

Today, my dad came up behind me with a pair of scissors, and pretended to snip away at my hair. I was sure he was joking, so I just sat there and didn't react. Later, I felt the back of my head and looked at my hand. Suffice it to say, I now have a large bald patch on the back of my head. FML

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By Anonymous - 18/11/2010 04:46 - Australia

Today, I was doing photography, and decided to climb onto the roof of a building to photograph the city. I dropped a square of chocolate over the edge just to appreciate the height. Apparently somebody saw me, I was arrested and am now being charged for trespassing and firing missiles. FML

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By myparentsarehoes - 3/8/2009 16:33 - Canada

Today, I was at a bar with my friends for my 19th birthday when I saw my dad grinding some chick that was not my mom. I confronted him and told him I was telling mom. He then pointed across the bar to my mom with another man. I just found out my parents are swingers. FML

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By whirlednews - 23/4/2012 02:01 - United States

Today, I'm at home sick and someone is moving into the apartment above ours. Judging by the sounds and level of noise, they seem to be opening some sort of woodworking shop. FML

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By Anonymous - 29/7/2013 07:54 - United States - Riverside

Today, my boyfriend went down on me for the first time. When I didn't get off right away, he asked what he was doing wrong. I told him he was doing fine, but instead of focusing only on my vagina, he might want to pay attention to my clitoris as well. His response? "What's a clitoris?" FML

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By crappingrapping - 21/5/2013 15:01 - United States

Today, I thought the public restroom I was in was empty, so I started rapping. I realized the room was not empty when, recognizing the song, the person one stall over joined in. FML

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By pain - 26/2/2010 10:23 - Japan

Today, I realized explosive diarrhea can happen, and at the most inopportune times, such as on the day of MY wedding. At the alter while my husband said his vows. FML

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By alycion - 4/5/2019 12:00

Today, I took my father to a hockey game. He always has to get pictures with the girls, so while in bag check, he used his breath spray. He got me in the eye, and I was temporarily blinded through most of the first period. FML

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By maximus - 20/1/2010 00:08 - United States

Today, I was in the line at Chipotle and noticed a very attractive lady in her mid 20's. I deliberately took the table next to her and her friend and happened to overhear what they were talking about. They were both discussing how much diarrhea they were going to have when they got home. FML

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By Anonymous - 4/9/2020 05:02

Unprofessional

Today, I found out my fiancé has been sleeping with his therapist behind my back. If that wasn't bad enough on its own, I'd talked him into starting therapy 6 months ago to help with his mental health troubles, and have been mostly paying for it. FML

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By oxjessiiox - 11/10/2009 15:42 - United Kingdom

Today, I had to pretend to give birth in a play. I wanted to make it a realistic as possible but ended up crapping myself on stage by accident. FML

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By facepalm - 14/6/2011 08:30 - United States

Today, I really had to go to the bathroom. Due to my fear of public restrooms, I made sure it was clear before I started. I heard someone sigh halfway through. Embarrassed, I waited a full ten minutes before leaving the stall, only to see that it was only the automatic air freshener. FML

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By fire - 15/12/2009 00:00 - United States

Today, I had to call 911. Why? My fireplace caught on fire. FML

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By larry_richard - 4/4/2018 18:00 - United States

April Fool

Today, I was told an assignment that was supposed to be due in a week and a half is due today. I crammed all night and ended up getting 3 hours of sleep. Turns out it was an April Fool's prank. FML

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By Yeoman - 19/11/2011 07:47 - New Zealand

Today, my mother looked me dead in the face and said, "I have failed as a parent." FML

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By air - 13/7/2009 09:17 - United States

Today, I found out I was pregnant. When I told my boyfriend that I couldn't believe this happened he said, "I'm not going to lie, I didn't always pull out fast." FML

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By burnt - 13/8/2012 04:43 - Australia - Middle Swan

Today, while cooking, I managed to burn my finger. I quickly turned the tap on and ran my finger under cold water, but apparently someone had just used the hot tap, because boiling water flooded out onto my nicely scalded finger. FML

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By introuble - 23/8/2009 04:48 - United States

Today, as I was getting into work, I saw a co-worker of mine walking in front of me. We're really good friends and we joke around a lot, so I jokingly whistled at him and slapped his butt. Turns out it wasn't my friend, it was the new guy. Hello, sexual harassment charges. FML

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By kashish0711 - 2/8/2009 16:14 - India

Today, I was at home, my mom came and saw me holding what she thought was a glass of beer. She took the glass, threw it and slapped me for drinking it. I was drinking Apple Juice. FML

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By oops - 5/4/2009 05:20 - United States

Today, I walked past a church with a bunch of people standing outside waiting for the bride and groom to walk out. When the church doors opened, I yelled congratulations as loud as I could. It was a funeral. FML

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By Anonymous - 16/9/2019 00:01

Big Little Lies

Today, my boyfriend dumped me for a guy. I was the only one who knew he was bisexual. Now everyone thinks I "turned him gay." FML

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By skiergal98 - 18/8/2019 02:00

Today, I found out why I haven't been getting my bank statements for the past couple of months. My parents have been hiding them from me, because they've been stealing from it. FML

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By Anonymous - 8/11/2018 12:00

Today, my husband came home from the hospital after having 6 gangrenous toes amputated because he hasn't been treating his diabetes properly. Not half an hour after he got home, I caught him sneaking sweets from a hiding place in his toolbox. He's already lost the bag with his medication in it. Again. FML

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By Surfinbird09 - 20/12/2009 12:58 - United Kingdom

Today, I asked a girl I liked for her number, but she claimed she had a broken phone and was getting a new one for Christmas. Unhinged, I go home and go onto Facebook. First thing I see is her status: "Why is no one answering my calls?" FML

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By edhere4u2nv - 6/6/2012 18:51 - United States - Ozone Park

Today, I got into a fight with my mom, and stormed out of the house. I walked two blocks before realizing that I have no place to go, and no friends to vent to. FML

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By Zekrome - 5/5/2014 07:53 - Canada - Markham

Today, I started going on and on about dogs and their different types of breed, behaviours, expectancy, etc. When someone asked me how I know all this stuff, I meant to say, "I fucking love animals", I didn't think it through and said, "I love fucking animals". FML

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By quackers - 8/7/2016 07:00 - United States - Columbus

Today, I found out that my favorite pizza place will no longer deliver to my area after dark because they've been robbed too many times. FML

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By Anonymous - 1/11/2010 13:00 - United States

Today, I was laying in bed with the covers over me, when I got an itch on my leg. It felt really good to scratch it so I got really into it. At that very moment my mom walked in, saw me doing a back and forth motion under the covers, gave me a look of disgust, and walked out. FML

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By Earlybird76 - 4/4/2017 09:00 - Canada - Richmond

Today, after 6 months of unemployment and jobs searching, I showed up to my new job 10 minutes early. My new supervisor confusedly greeted me and informed me I was in fact a week and 10 minutes early. HR changed my start date and told everyone but me. FML

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By Anonymous - 27/3/2009 13:05 - Austria

Today, I was outside searching for "treasures" with my son using small plastic shovels. All of a sudden he starts screaming. He dug up the bones of our old dog. I told him that we had sent him away to live on a farm, I even helped my son write letters to the farm owners. FML

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By courtbabbbby - 12/2/2011 06:30 - United States

Today, I got banned on Club Penguin because I said "shit" while I was in a fight with another penguin about whose igloo is cooler. Shouldn't I have better things to do on a Friday night? FML

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By Umidknickname - 17/6/2017 16:00

Today, my boyfriend told me he was going away for the weekend to go clubbing with his mates. I would be fine with it, except the mates he's going with already tried to get him to cheat on me. FML

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Top comments

By Welshite | 39

#5663082 - Saturday 7 September 2013 16:09

I'm scared to ask what the most unhygienic thing is...

By wisericky | 12

#5663083 - Saturday 7 September 2013 16:09

Those poor cookies :(

COMMENTS

By Welshite | 39

#5663082 - Saturday 7 September 2013 16:09

I'm scared to ask what the most unhygienic thing is...

perdix | 29

#5663121 - Saturday 7 September 2013 16:27

Have you learned nothing from the Blue Waffle, the Alabama Hot Pocket and Two Girls, One Cup?

If you are afraid to ask, don't! There are things you are better off not knowing.

Epikouros | 31

#5663161 - Saturday 7 September 2013 16:53

I bet she kissed her dog after it licked its own arse. Or worse.

TheCanucklehead | 22

#5663173 - Saturday 7 September 2013 17:04

Woah woah woah woah woah woah woah. DO NOT bring up two girls one cup. You only go through that once (if you're lucky). I mean, chocolate was off for a month

Testing1234 | 25

#5663186 - Saturday 7 September 2013 17:14

how come everyone is assuming that's OPs sister in law is a grown woman she could still be a kid.

Treveyon56 | 14

#5663206 - Saturday 7 September 2013 17:44

I'm almost afraid to ask but what the hell is the Alabama hot pocket?

MidnaLink | 32

#5663217 - Saturday 7 September 2013 17:52

Testing1234 because most parents don't have kids 20something years apart.

perdix | 29

#5663230 - Saturday 7 September 2013 18:02

#46, you should be afraid to ask, so don't. You will be a better person for not knowing it.

I'm generally against ignorance, but there are some special cases where it's the wise path!

nottohappybride | 9

#5663284 - Saturday 7 September 2013 18:49

acutally #48 its more common than you think. My moms best friend is 18 years younger than her sister and my brother-in-law is 13 (13 years younger than my husband).

CallMeMcFeelii | 13

#5663285 - Saturday 7 September 2013 18:49

Google is your friend, 46. But these warnings should not be taken lightly.. You may never get on the Internet again..

FimogenFeels | 14

#5663579 - Saturday 7 September 2013 22:27

48 - Some parents do have kids over 20 years apart. Me and my brother are about 30 years apart! 39 might be right - maybe OP's sister in law is a kid.

lolita88_fml | 27

#5663635 - Saturday 7 September 2013 23:36

Hah! Never got caught by that one, never will!

bamagrl410 | 31

#5663845 - Sunday 8 September 2013 4:04

I've never heard of an Alabama hot pocket. I really want to find out, but I'm scared to considering the others it was compared to just now. Inner turmoil!

whyusofat | 17

#5664264 - Sunday 8 September 2013 14:31

I too am curious of the hot pocket ill will send a follow up.

DayvidFML | 7

#5664786 - Sunday 8 September 2013 23:03

It's horrible. Urban dicitionary it.

Kefka91 | 15

#5664822 - Sunday 8 September 2013 23:33

Today, I learned what an Alabama Hotpocket is. Eww. FML

MidnaLink | 32

#5664870 - Monday 9 September 2013 1:12

Fimogen- that's what MOST means

DocMcVickers | 13

#5664886 - Monday 9 September 2013 1:52

So I stupidly looked up Alabama hot pocket and I will never be the same.

Sarah2435_fml | 5

#5668754 - Wednesday 11 September 2013 15:29

The curiosity got to me and I looked up the Alabama hot pocket. Do not look it up. Ever.

Trippchic | 15

#5688406 - Wednesday 25 September 2013 0:26

hell I'm morbidly curious... aren't you lol?

Trippchic | 15

#5688409 - Wednesday 25 September 2013 0:30

I take it all back... I think I'm done with the internet lol. WHY do I keep doing this to myself. There goes my love of hot pockets...

By wisericky | 12

#5663083 - Saturday 7 September 2013 16:09

Those poor cookies :(

Welshite | 39

#5663092 - Saturday 7 September 2013 16:11

Says the guy who uses his butt cheeks to hold his signs.

wisericky | 12

#5663203 - Saturday 7 September 2013 17:40

Hey, my cheeks are clean!

evan_7899 | 28

#5663221 - Saturday 7 September 2013 17:53

Yea they are the shiniest part of the photo, polished to a squeaky clean shine that everyone loves

ImAFaker | 29

#5663409 - Saturday 7 September 2013 19:53

Oxi clean for the cheeks. Nice

By thebloodlegion | 14

#5663085 - Saturday 7 September 2013 16:09

Oh dang. Tell her to wash her hands and keep the dang cookies away from her! Sorry, OP.

By Zombie_Sea_Otter | 9

#5663086 - Saturday 7 September 2013 16:09

I didn't know Chips-A-Hoy comes with chunks of corn?

FelixJC | 14

#5663289 - Saturday 7 September 2013 18:54

That gave me the worst mental image... *Shudders*

Little4Bear | 10

#5663651 - Saturday 7 September 2013 23:54

Where else do you think the chocolate chips come from! :)

By turtlesarerad14 | 13

#5663087 - Saturday 7 September 2013 16:10

That's disgusting.. if that is your house, tell her she's not allowed to come back until she takes on cleaner habits. Good luck, OP! I hope you don't get E. coli.