Today, my mum got a new blender. Dinner was roast beef, broccoli, cauliflower, pumpkin, potatoes and water. In a cup. FML
Collection
Fall
Dead leaves, the first cold of the season and an umbrella flipped inside out: fall, the season of grace.
Today, I spent ages prepping, chopping, bagging and freezing lots of fruits and veggies for my mom. I also bought her a juicer and alkaline water to help combat some of her health issues. I walked into the kitchen to see her mixing her juice with vodka and rum instead of the water. FML
Today, I made broccoli and peas with dinner. My girlfriend pouted, sulked, and refused to eat "yucky veggies", demanding fries or chips. Apparently, I'm dating a fucking toddler. FML
Today, my mom cooked her dog some potatoes, carrots, beef, rice and peas. She cooks better food for her dog than she will for our family. FML
Today, I started to make a protein shake to have a healthy breakfast. It exploded. Turns out, my mom lost the rubber gasket and put the blender back, so it looked ready to use. By the time I cleaned it all up, it was time for me to leave for work. I'm now eating chips from the vending machine. FML
Today, my mother made me a delicious meal of gravy, stuffing, mashed and sweet potatoes, and cranberries. Overjoyed, I tried to give her a hug. Instead, I accidentally punched her in the face. FML
Today, I spent a solid four hours and over one hundred dollars preparing a nice fancy meal for my new girlfriend. A delicious three pound rack of ribs with a sweet and sour marinade. Steam broccoli with melted cheese. Home made buttermilk biscuits. I serve the meal. She doesn't eat beef. FML
Today, my mother kindly brought me some soup as was recovering from having my tonsils out. Spicy Mexican bean soup. Yep, very spicy. FML
Today, I was excited to try out my new blender, but when I turned it on, the lid flew off and sprayed smoothie all over my kitchen. Now I have a fruity polka dot pattern on parts of my kitchen's walls and ceiling. FML
Today, after years of providing daily various home-made colourful meals for three kids and a husband, I was asked to "cook something cool, like instant hamburgers, not that lame healthy shit". FML
Today, I made a healthy, delicious dinner. My girlfriend picked at it until it went cold, then stuck it in the fridge. Later, she devoured a giant bowl of sugary cereal, then complained all night that her stomach hurt. This happens a lot. FML
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Top comments
Catkam623 27
Hey athletes take everything in liquid form and now, so do you:)
Pleonasm 36
She is so considerate, doing the mechanical digestion part for you, so you don't have to! She is saving you time and energy!
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Comments (121)
windfuelsfire 10
The preparation method sounds gross, but all those ingredients are great for your health!
shorty6823 28
The bad thing is that I could see myself doing that. The ADD excitement of a new blender + my inability to cook = bad.
Jennidoll 2
why on earth would you do that? the only time blending food like that is good is if someone has a feeding tube and can't chew it. anyone else who does it is just an idiot. it would taste like shit and probably look exactly like vomit.
shorty6823 28
I'm not serious. I don't typically blend random foods unless its for my evil step sister, in which she deserves it. But then again, she enjoys extremely low quality food and may enjoy it.
Enslaved 38
Sounds like soup to me.
perdix 31
#14, what do you call a guy with no arms and no legs in a hot tub? Stew.
Alexweber929 14
What do you call a man with no arms and no legs in a pool? Bob
mishmush_fml 6
What do you call two men with no arms and no legs? Curt n Rod
mishmush_fml 6
Apologies, its late. What do you call two men with no arms and no legs hanging over a window? Curt n Rod
Capt_Oblivious 10
Dinner through a straw, no need to waste energy on chewing.
ulissey_fml 22
So if his Mum invites twelve more people to dinner, they can call it the Last Straw. Oh my, this is so lame.-------->[]
HortonThelephant 15
You can't have any pudding if you don't eat your!.....slop? Did you feel like oinking whilst you were eating it?
Whysocool 5
Something tells me these are the after effects Of eating that shit. ^
willbur73q 7
#20, thumbs up for great music reference.
doritowhore 9
At least someone makes dinner for you. Not that pig slop is something I'd feel like settling for, though. Maybe one day she'll come home and oops! The blender is broken, and you'll have "no idea" what happened...
andiw 6
Lmfao! Gross!
perdix 31
That's not very healthy -- masticating is good for you. Although some people try to make it shameful, it is perfectly normal to masticate three, or four, or more times every day! Of course, if you masticate too much, you may go blind from diabetes, but it's a total myth that you'll get hairy palms.
Pleonasm 36
You know how people always say: chew your food more than 20 times or whatever? I call bullshit, since I heard about this guy in Brazil who masticated 42 times in a row and he died.
nnnope 26
Perdix - why do you almost always comment twice (or more) on the same FML, as if your first comment never happened? Just curious.
perdix 31
#63, because they are completely separate unrelated thoughts. I'm not repeating or restating my first comment; I am saying something different. It's a pretty standard technique in comedy -- take a set-up and make many punchlines from it. They do it on Tosh.0. To me, it's good brain exercise seeing various funny sides to the same story, and for you, I hope at least one of them is amusing :)
TheNewGuy03 29
63, some people actually have, you know, more than a singular thought about a certain subject. Perhaps comedians should stop telling jokes, too. That's the ticket.
nnnope 26
104 - it was an innocent question. I haven't noticed any other commenters do the same thing, so I was curious. Jeez.
DanielleinDC 34
For your sake, OP, I hope your mom gets over her kick of throwing everything in the blender soon.
Whysocool 5
Dessert should have Been some nicely mushed and grinded Pumpkin Pie ;)