Today, I was walking with my girlfriend when she began skipping... - FML

By Biggie - 12/5/2009 07:49 - United States

Today, I was walking with my girlfriend when she began skipping ahead of me and out in to the street. I saw a car coming right at her so I tackled her to the ground to save her. Turns out the car was stopping and was never going to hit her, and my girlfriend doesn't appreciate concussions. FML

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Big baby man

Assumptions

Business savvy

By condom_kid - 27/7/2009 14:34 - United States

Today, my father pulled me aside right before heading off to my girlfriend's house. He said "Next time you have sex, don't leave the tied up condom in its wrapper inside your short's pocket, otherwise your mother might find it again as she's folding laundry." FML

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By BAMashleyx3 - 6/6/2019 06:07

Today, my dad texted me while I was in the dentist's chair getting my teeth cleaned. The dental hygienist jumped at the notification sound my phone made and split my gum open. FML

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By vela9002 - 6/4/2009 07:40 - United States

Today, on my flight to Vegas, I was wishing that a really cute guy would come sit in the seat next to mine. A few minutes later, a really cute guy sat in the seat next to me and even started to talk to me. When I said, "I like rugged men." he said "Oh ya, me too! I really like buff guys also." FML

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By imanidiot - 19/4/2009 05:03 - United States

Today, I ordered take out, and paid with a credit card. The cute cashier gave me the receipt to sign, and under 'tip' I gave a couple of dollars. I realized that I had given too much, crossed it out, and changed it. Unaware she was watching, She then responded, "Did you just lower the tip by $1?" FML

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By FlyAwayPlease - 25/8/2015 22:38 - United Kingdom - Mold

Today, the boy that I met online six months ago and expressed my love to sent me a picture of himself and confessed how old he really was: thirteen. I'm eighteen years old and holding a steady job. FML

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By Anonymous - 25/12/2012 07:12 - United States

Today, after giving my mother and my girlfriend their Christmas presents, I realized just how similar they looked both in box size and wrapping paper. I noticed after my mother gasped upon finding a vibrator in her box. FML

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By jamjamy - 26/12/2008 04:53 - France

Today, at work as an optician, I gave a little girl a new pair of glasses and asked her if she could see well with them. She replied, "Oh yes, you have two big spots on your nose!" FML

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By Text - 25/4/2011 16:27 - United States

Today, I asked my friend to stop texting me, because I'm on a limited plan and didn't want to go over my limit. She responded by getting a group of her friends to text bomb me. I got well over a hundred one-word texts. FML

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By Anonymous - 4/4/2011 01:46 - United States

Today, while discussing having sex for the first time with my boyfriend, I asked what method of birth control we should use. He replied, "Anal." FML

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By Rosie - 28/7/2018 05:00

Today, I got off a long shift and went to the bus stop. Upon arrival, I saw a girl giving a guy a blowjob. Disgusted, I tried to avoid them and sat on the bench to wait. The girl popped up angrily and looked over at me. "Can't you give us some privacy?!" This is the only bus stop nearby. FML

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By Anonymous - 11/3/2020 00:01

Mystery Girl

Today, I found out that my girlfriend actually broke up with me a week ago. Apparently, she thought it wasn't necessary to tell me, she just assumed I'd figure it out on my own. FML

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By CallMeMrFunny - 22/12/2016 18:27

Today, I mentioned to my parents that Sunday is going to be awesome because it's Christmas. They responded with "Wait, this Sunday? In 3 days?!" Apparently they forgot. FML

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By whale14 - 6/6/2019 16:00

Today, I was in the newspaper for my soccer accomplishments. It was supposed to be my day in the spotlight. I went home to find out that my little sister had sprained her ankle in P.E. Not only did nobody in my family read the article in the paper, I'm now doing all of my sister's chores. FML

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By nakedness - 11/12/2011 01:35 - Australia

Today, I was getting dressed in my bedroom with the blinds open and had nothing covering my top half. I thought my neighbours wouldn't be able to see in through all the trees, that was until I heard someone wolf whistle and one of my neighbours running away. FML

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By isuckasawaitress - 12/12/2011 17:08 - Singapore

Today, it was my first day at work as a waitress. The day ended with me owing my employers money, after I accidentally smashed an expensive bottle of wine on the floor. FML

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By ks.swan13 - 22/12/2010 09:50

Today, I got a call about my dog who went missing a week ago. The guy who called said "We have your dog, but you aren't getting her back." Then he hung up. FML

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By Al - 10/3/2010 02:07 - United States

Today, while attempting a DIY pest removal, one of our tenants lit a skunk on fire. FML

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By Eddie B - 18/10/2019 20:00

Scammed

Today, I found out that I'm just one of the millions who got scammed by what seemed to be a legit website. None of the negative reviews or bugs appeared until after I spent a fortune of someone else’s money on a server that will never arrive. FML

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By hannieannie - 20/11/2019 01:00

Psychopath's joke

Today, I’m still recovering from last night. I fell asleep before my boyfriend. He thought it would be funny to stand at the bottom of the bed with a knife and wake me up. I screamed so much that I wet myself and had a panic attack. He recorded the whole thing. FML

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By Anonymous - 5/10/2019 22:01

With friends like her, who needs money?

Today, I maxed out my credit card trying to help a friend of over 19 years to go see her family for Christmas, only to find out she changed her mind and doesn’t really want to go. I can’t return the bus tickets, and she’s mad at me. FML

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By Anonymous - 30/9/2013 19:02 - United States - Brecksville

Today, I smelled chicken nuggets and asked my boyfriend if he was making some. He wasn't. It was my armpits. FML

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By Brunette, small breasts - 24/7/2016 18:51 - Romania - Campina

Today, I decided to finally talk to my crush. I said "hello" to which he replied "first, dye your hair blonde and grow some boobs, then we can talk business." FML

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By Anonymous - 13/5/2013 21:17 - United States - Euless

Today, I lost my patience and asked the deadbeat I loaned money to last year to please pay up. His response: "Blow me." No thanks, dad. FML

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By Thanksalot - 30/11/2013 05:58 - United States - Edinburg

Today, I'm staying with my in-laws. My husband is fighting with his dad, who's fighting with his brother-in-law, who's fighting with his wife. The only ones not fighting are my sister-in-law and her boyfriend, who're getting along great on a squeaky mattress in the room next to mine. FML

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By badluckantonio - 25/8/2011 05:29 - Canada

Today, I was taking out the garbage at work when I slipped and fell into the garbage container. The scent was so bad that a bus driver denied me a ride home. FML

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By Anonymous - 13/5/2013 16:01 - Australia - Mount Eliza

Today, I gave my boss a gift card as a late birthday present, since I wasn't in the office on his actual birthday. He accused me of trying to bribe my way to a promotion, and suspended me on the spot. FML

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By sweet2u22 - 27/2/2011 02:30 - United States

Today, I told the guy I like to listen to a song that expressed how I felt about him. When he was done, I asked what he thought about it. He said it made him realize that his ex was the love of his life and that he wants to go back to her. FML

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By one sorry mom - 5/9/2017 04:31

Today, at the mall, my 4-year-old son threw up on a man's shoes. When he approached me, I immediately machine-gun mouthed him in public. The man apparently is a doctor and concernedly said that my son may have a rare gastric disease based on the puke. I got him checked, and he's right. FML

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By Tey - 22/12/2011 00:07 - United States

Today, on my first day of work, I got fired after 45 minutes. FML

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By cul8erqtpie20 - 3/1/2012 16:35 - United States

Today, I found out my roomie has lost her only source of income. This means I'm responsible for all the bills and the rent. I would kick her out and get someone else, but she's my mother. FML

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By Fred - 20/3/2015 01:06 - United States - Kingston

Today, I gave my friend condoms since he didn't have any and he was planning on "getting lucky." Little did I know he was planning on "getting lucky" with my sister. FML

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By Anonymous - 11/11/2012 10:26 - United States - Williamsburg

Today, after finally falling asleep, my boyfriend woke me up and got extremely mad at me. My offense? My pillow was touching his side of the bed. After yelling at me, he's now sleeping on the couch, and I'm lying in bed wide awake. FML

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By STUPID BIRTHDAY - 5/3/2009 07:24 - United States

Today, it was my birthday. I set up a dinner party for 20 of my closest friends. I arrived at the restaurant, fully dressed and everything. When I got there, I thought everyone was ready to surprise me, but instead, nobody showed up. FML

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By Jigll - 13/10/2008 08:26

Today, during my beloved's birthday party, I had so much to drink that I puked all over the room. FML

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By burningman - 22/1/2015 10:40 - Germany - Darmstadt

Today, a homeless guy tried to light my hair on fire with a match at the bus stop. FML

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By efmylife - 23/10/2009 04:47 - United States

Today, I threw a paper ball into a recycling bin backwards. I don't know whats more sad: the fact that that was my highlight of my life, or I had been attempting to make that shot every day for 3 years. FML

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By Anonymous - 16/9/2018 12:30 - United States - Chevy Chase

Today, I just landed in Washington, DC. Unfortunately, I also took off from Washington DC an hour ago. FML

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By Wowthanks - 5/5/2014 00:13 - United States - Greeley

Today, I asked the girl I like if she had her eye on anyone, subtly hinting that I wanted to date her. I sat there while she confessed her love for her cousin. FML

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By latino - 11/11/2010 11:30 - United States

Today, at the Museum I volunteer at, I was touching some of the things in the exhibit where you can feel what natural boobs and testes feel like. I started rolling the "boob" like a stress ball and forgot where I was. When I realized people were staring, it became very awkward. FML

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By notmine - 20/4/2014 02:39 - India - New Delhi

Today, I work at a food joint as a chef, and a customer found a long strand of hair in her food. The manager blamed me, even though I'm bald. FML

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Top comments

By Cessari | 0

#191439 - Tuesday 12 May 2009 16:04

LOL You've been watching too many super hero movies

By Shihaby | 0

#191438 - Tuesday 12 May 2009 16:03

It's the thought that counts.

Comments

By Shihaby | 0

#191438 - Tuesday 12 May 2009 16:03

It's the thought that counts.

By Cessari | 0

#191439 - Tuesday 12 May 2009 16:04

LOL You've been watching too many super hero movies

By rukusrazor | 0

#191442 - Tuesday 12 May 2009 16:04

"Ferris Bueller, you're my hero."

Hey djqlue: You're a tool!

Reply

california283 | 6

#2595531 - Tuesday 31 May 2011 23:21

sweet pic!

By AoME_fml_fml | 0

#191456 - Tuesday 12 May 2009 16:07

lol ummm...yeah

Reply

stingray112 | 24

#6226733 - Monday 9 March 2015 17:45

Well said I really gathered your point from that

By RIKANA | 0

#191458 - Tuesday 12 May 2009 16:08

I agree its the thought that counts.

RI

By offtimeguitarist | 0

#191459 - Tuesday 12 May 2009 16:08

YDI

By sparda4355 | 0

#191462 - Tuesday 12 May 2009 16:08

Is she like giganto fat or something? Picking her up is far more effective and more romantic for those "oh shit, I totally over reacted moments"! Just sayin...

By teufelschloss | 0

#191466 - Tuesday 12 May 2009 16:09

ouch >.o;;

At least you care for her.

By chea_chea | 0

#191468 - Tuesday 12 May 2009 16:09

Just wondering, what would make it so the car "was never going to hit her", was it at a stopped light or stop sign? Was the person slowing down? If so, tackling her was pretty dumb :/

Reply

Wazilla | 0

#2795358 - Friday 1 July 2011 2:45

Also if he tackled her to the ground wouldnt the car hit both of them too?

By kydpapaiya | 0

#191473 - Tuesday 12 May 2009 16:10

YDI