Miscellaneous: Today, my family was cleaning out our basement when I noticed...

Nearly

01/10/2021 22:55

Today, I just had the best sex in all my life. After that, my ex-girlfriend dumped me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 38

You deserved it 3

28/09/2021 01:05

Today, I found out my dog of 11 years has very severe cancer. Her spleen, which has swollen to the size of a football, had a small rupture a day ago and would fatally within a week, we'll be putting her down tomorrow. FML

I agree, your life sucks 99

You deserved it 6

Spicy

Weird flex, but OK

By Anonymous - 17/10/2021 08:01

Today, I’m aware that comparing yourself too much to other people can make you unhappy. I now learned that the same goes for comparing yourself to objects. For example, between myself and the shared toilet in my student house, guess who has the most pubic hair? FML

I agree, your life sucks 509

You deserved it 138

Nice try, though

By Anonymous - 16/10/2021 20:00

Today, I bought a $100 Victoria's Secret gift card for an ex who I still have a thing for, only to find out she started dating someone else a week ago. I just realized I bought lingerie for her to wear for someone else. FML

I agree, your life sucks 213

You deserved it 1 752

30/08/2015 04:49

Today, my family was cleaning out our basement when I noticed an empty wall. I asked my grandma if I could put a picture up. She replied, "I don't want your ugly drawings on the wall". I wasn't talking about my drawings. FML

I agree, your life sucks 21 894

You deserved it 1 720

Miscellaneous

I blame the parents

Cujo, but for cats

Glass half empty

25/12/2016 05:10

Today, I was having a Christmas Eve party and my sewer got backed up. Everyone had to go home and now I have to wait until Monday to get it fixed. It's a 15-minute drive to the local McDonald's to take a crap. FML

I agree, your life sucks 7 738

You deserved it 941

19/04/2013 22:04

Today, I walked in on my 12-year-old daughter lying on her bed, repeatedly opening and closing her legs. I asked her what she was doing, and she replied, "Trying to queef. I saw it online." FML

I agree, your life sucks 60 327

You deserved it 7 388

29/07/2015 18:40

Today, I got fired from my new job on my first day. Why? Because I'm 19 and company policy says you have to be 21. But they can't ask how old you are. FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 030

You deserved it 2 428

Any excuse

By GonnnaBBroke - 04/06/2021 22:01

Today, I lived at home rent free, until now. According to my mother, I receive "too many packages" from online shopping, and now I need to "chip in." FML

I agree, your life sucks 266

You deserved it 1 670

21/11/2013 20:37

Today, I tried to have a fun night out. I met a guy and we went back to "his" place, which turned out to actually be his mother's house. He introduced me to her. Two hours later, I knew his life story and had to do the walk of shame without ever getting anywhere near his bedroom. FML

I agree, your life sucks 52 223

You deserved it 10 212

18/10/2012 23:52

Today, my mom and I went out to a fancy and expensive restaurant per her request; she told me it was her treat. After we ate our meals and the large check came, she excused herself to the bathroom. She didn't come back. I was dine-and-dashed by my own mother. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 363

You deserved it 2 018

02/05/2014 19:51

Today, I was told that I'm very likely to win the "Most Likely to Exceed 5 Cats" yearbook award. My best friend said, "They wanted it to be 'Most Likely to Die Alone', but it was a bit harsh". Someone else added, "It's still pretty likely, though". FML

I agree, your life sucks 45 675

You deserved it 4 438

17/05/2015 17:53

Today, I was finishing my chest workout at the gym when this really cute girl started using the machine next to me. To impress her, I tried lifting a lot of weight on the barbell. It ended up landing on my neck and she had to help me get it off. FML

I agree, your life sucks 14 901

You deserved it 33 249

30/10/2009 12:05

Today, my mom tells my sister that she is worried about her because she has a headache and feels like she might be getting a slight cold. I have had the flu for two weeks and have a 103 degree fever. I ask, "What about me?" Her response? "Stay away from your sister." FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 203

You deserved it 2 903

18/06/2015 16:56

Today, I was in a hot tub at a public sauna. After chatting with a friendly couple, I decided to go get some lunch. I was halfway out of the water when the man started laughing and said he'd thought I was a woman. I am. FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 911

You deserved it 2 312

Heavy phone, dude

By Burton - 12/06/2021 20:00

Today, I'm in the E.R. because I broke one of my toes when my cellphone slipped from my hands after taking a shower. Needless to say, my cellphone broke too. FML

I agree, your life sucks 613

You deserved it 306

26/10/2009 00:21

Today, I searched myself on Facebook. I have a fan page made by some girl in Wisconsin. She has pictures of me on it. Can you say stalker? FML

I agree, your life sucks 40 114

You deserved it 5 013

12/05/2016 03:13

Today, my mom woke me up in the middle of the night to make me help my brother write an essay. I read what he wrote so far, gave him my suggestions, and went back to bed. She woke me up 30 mins later because he just sat and stared at his paper instead of fixing anything. Somehow that's my fault. FML

I agree, your life sucks 14 999

You deserved it 1 038

05/11/2009 10:25

Today, I've had no sleep. Why? Because my housemate has a new girlfriend and the walls are too thin. After round three of them shagging, I was exhausted from holding my breath each time the new girlfriend screamed. I also realised that was the closest I'd been to sex in months. FML

I agree, your life sucks 22 430

You deserved it 3 367

31/12/2018 20:00

Today, my nineteen-year-old son attempted to mug me. With a screwdriver. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 822

You deserved it 344

09/09/2015 03:34

Today, I was let go from my dream job for requesting Photoshop as well as Illustrator. I was hired to create marketing materials. Guess I should have just used Paint. FML

I agree, your life sucks 24 664

You deserved it 1 627

21/01/2011 11:41

Today, trying to be an old-school romantic, I asked my girlfriend "where art thou my love?" via SMS. She replied "Toilet." FML

I agree, your life sucks 17 490

You deserved it 30 843

Great start

By MattClifford - 15/11/2020 17:01

Today, I passed my driver's test. As I was driving home, I was rear-ended. Rear-ended by the examiner that'd passed me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 190

You deserved it 57

17/02/2009 08:30

Today, I told my boyfriend that I was afraid our future children would be fat and ugly. He reassured me, saying that he was sure our spawn would take on after him. FML

I agree, your life sucks 37 803

You deserved it 13 420

Not so ready to rumble

By Anonymous - 08/10/2019 14:00

Today, my pro wrestling training class had come to a close and I was gathering my things outside of the ring. One of my fellow trainees got out of the ring on the side where there was nothing but giant stage lights. He knocked them over onto me, giving me my first pro wrestling injury. I’d always thought that would happen in the ring. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 252

You deserved it 136

26/12/2011 04:52

Today, a guy rang my doorbell, yelled "Happy Halloween" and then threw a bunch of leaves that he'd lit on fire at me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 925

You deserved it 2 752

Oh, hai Mark!

By Anonymous - 11/10/2019 12:00

Today, my boyfriend's antisocial father actually decided to talk to me. Too bad I couldn't respond, due to the fact that I still had his son's penis in my mouth. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 052

You deserved it 748

Sounds reasonable

By Anonymous - 12/10/2019 06:00

Today, my 70 year-old mother complained about the patio window being dirty. I asked her why she couldn't clean it, or anything else in the house for that matter. I was informed she can't clean windows because she's not left handed. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 551

You deserved it 193

Snap!

By fryebaby623 - 13/11/2015 05:47

Today, I was so tired when I got home from work, I took off my bra without removing my shirt which I've done so often it is second nature. I successfully removed the bra, then snagged the clasp on a loose shirt thread, causing my bra to take on a life of its own and slap me in the face. FML

I agree, your life sucks 22 207

You deserved it 3 202

Hand sanitizer

By sexlube - 01/01/2020 20:00

Today, my kid told my wife he's been using the hand sanitizer under our bathroom sink. It's not hand sanitizer, it's a giant bottle of lube.

I agree, your life sucks 1 511

You deserved it 888

11/05/2009 05:12

Today, after spending the night hanging out with a beautiful girl we start to walk back to my place. Halfway there she turns and says, "I wish you were a vampire" and goes back home. FML

I agree, your life sucks 100 114

You deserved it 9 068

17/02/2017 18:00

Today, I asked a very attractive girl out, then later I ended up talking with her. One of my friends comes up to us and points out that I'm beet red and, "blushing like a bitch". She notices and laughs. FML

I agree, your life sucks 6 072

You deserved it 607

24/10/2013 06:06

Today, a homeless guy asked me for a cigarette. Knowing that I only had a couple left in my pack, I gave it to him. He opened it, took one out and thanked me profusely. A bit surprised, I went on my way. Oh yes, that's right, the pack contained the money I'd withdrawn from an ATM. FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 082

You deserved it 51 515

13/05/2012 05:02

Today, I went to the store for some pads with my dad. We got them and then went to the cashier. That's when he realized that they were scented. He took one out of the box, sniffed it, made me sniff it, then insisted the cashier smell it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 461

You deserved it 2 712

07/11/2016 08:11

Today, as I was helping a customer, she asked if it was my first day and who was training me. Evidently, I'm bad at my job, because I've worked there for 7 months. FML

I agree, your life sucks 9 542

You deserved it 1 503

09/12/2012 23:34

Today, I decided to talk to a girl at the gym I had seen there a lot. I walked up to her at the station she was at and asked her out to dinner sometime. I didn't realize she had been wearing headphones. She took them off and asked if I was waiting on the station. My courage left. I said yes. FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 635

You deserved it 4 870

16/04/2013 23:13

Today, I was given a powerful laxative to clear me out. I can't go to the bathroom because the four guests of my sleeping roommate are all sitting in dead silence against the paper-thin bathroom wall. FML

I agree, your life sucks 38 454

You deserved it 4 008

16/10/2014 19:30

Today, my wife yelled at me for being a bastard and not caring about her needs. I felt like an asshole and apologized for everything. It took me a few hours to realize I'd basically just apologized for unknowingly hanging the toilet paper the "wrong way" for her OCD. FML

I agree, your life sucks 38 736

You deserved it 5 898

17/05/2009 05:46

Today, I was working at a grocery store when a couple of my co-workers called a code pink in aisle 22, which means there was an attractive woman in that aisle. After hearing about how hot she was, I went over to see her for myself. It was my mom. FML

I agree, your life sucks 66 875

You deserved it 6 364

22/07/2014 23:20

Today, I went to my weekly AA meeting. It was a huge crowd and I was the guest speaker. Not 5 minutes into my speech, I was booed off stage and banned from further attendance because I accidentally wore a Jack Daniel's shirt. FML

I agree, your life sucks 24 076

You deserved it 56 397

10/10/2009 16:30

Today, I was in a bad mood after being stuck in traffic for 2 hours and late for work. I was walking to my building when I saw a 100 dollar note flying my way. A man called after me for it, but being selfish I took the note in my pocket as a little reward. That man was my boss. Yes, I'm fired. FML

I agree, your life sucks 9 018

You deserved it 74 756

13/10/2011 21:30

Today, my boyfriend told me that the only reason he likes me is because I let him watch porn without throwing a fuss. FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 036

You deserved it 7 000

29/01/2016 12:51

Today, I received yet another letter from a relative bitching me out for not involving my parents in my wedding. The parents who showed no interest in our relationship and then yelled at my fiancé and me when we announced it to them, calling us stupid, naive, heathens, and mentally ill. FML

I agree, your life sucks 24 966

You deserved it 1 724

25/07/2017 05:00

Today, I spent the first two hours of my shift cleaning up liquid poo after an elderly lady sat in one of our chairs and promptly let go of her bowels. I was so embarrassed for her that I even bought her a towel, underwear, and a pair of pants. She then thanked one of my coworkers for all the help. FML

I agree, your life sucks 5 184

You deserved it 347

30/10/2014 14:15

Today, I found out that there's a very loud and frisky couple living above my bedroom, and a family with a crying baby living above my living room. At this rate, I'll end up sleeping in the bathtub in my own home. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 642

You deserved it 2 741

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Top comments

hellnosucka 27

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Sunday 30 August 2015 17:28

what a warm and loving grandmother you have

dezman2000 21

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Sunday 30 August 2015 17:37

Don't you hate when even your own family puts you down and doesn't encourage you to do what makes you happy? Especially the older family members.

Comments

hellnosucka 27

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Sunday 30 August 2015 17:28

what a warm and loving grandmother you have

RainTears 15

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Sunday 30 August 2015 17:57

Grandma roasted him so hard even i felt the burn

emisheah 17

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Friday 20 November 2015 9:17

Read that in Ron Swansons voice

liquifiednate 21

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Sunday 30 August 2015 17:29

Don't you love how the elderly are so truthful?

MidnaLink 33

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Sunday 30 August 2015 17:33

*Notices sarcasm anyway* No, not really.

coried91 28

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Sunday 30 August 2015 17:29

Well, at least now you know what she thinks... She could have been less bitchy though.

rileyrae0000 23

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Sunday 30 August 2015 17:30

Savage grandma

wickedhyype 17

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Sunday 30 August 2015 17:35

Lol old people spit the truth because they just dont care. Loool

TheBelt 19

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Sunday 30 August 2015 17:36

Grandmas, gotta love me

redrain567 16

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Sunday 30 August 2015 23:54

But I don't love you.

dezman2000 21

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Sunday 30 August 2015 17:37

Don't you hate when even your own family puts you down and doesn't encourage you to do what makes you happy? Especially the older family members.

olpally 32

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Sunday 30 August 2015 17:55

Put it up anyways.

JustinJK 21

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Sunday 30 August 2015 17:57

an empty wall*

Wolfipoo 31

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Sunday 30 August 2015 18:27

FYL OP, old people aren't always the kindest sadly, you were just unlucky, and your pictures were probably great despite her accusations.