Love: Today, my boyfriend of six years came home wearing a ninja suit....

Nearly

01/10/2021 22:55

Today, I just had the best sex in all my life. After that, my ex-girlfriend dumped me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 34

You deserved it 3

28/09/2021 01:05

Today, I found out my dog of 11 years has very severe cancer. Her spleen, which has swollen to the size of a football, had a small rupture a day ago and would fatally within a week, we'll be putting her down tomorrow. FML

I agree, your life sucks 94

You deserved it 6

Spicy

Lightning Bolt

By LightningRod - 18/10/2021 11:00

Today, I have an internal defibrillator from trauma to my heart 12 years ago. I finally experienced for the first time what it's like when it shocks me. Nothing says I'm a keeper like getting kicked in the chest and smacked upside the back of the head with a baseball bat while clapping cheeks. FML

I agree, your life sucks 230

You deserved it 26

Weird flex, but OK

By Anonymous - 17/10/2021 08:01

Today, I’m aware that comparing yourself too much to other people can make you unhappy. I now learned that the same goes for comparing yourself to objects. For example, between myself and the shared toilet in my student house, guess who has the most pubic hair? FML

I agree, your life sucks 491

You deserved it 133

11/10/2018 14:00

Today, my boyfriend of six years came home wearing a ninja suit. When I asked why, he said "These are my breakup clothes. I'm breaking up with you." He then screamed, threw a plastic shuriken at me and ran away. It hit me in the breast. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 541

You deserved it 335

Love

Stop talking!

Late term

Thanks, government

20/08/2009 05:38

Today, I had to give the girl I am absolutely in love with advice on how to have better sex with her boyfriend. FML

I agree, your life sucks 65 375

You deserved it 11 617

26/05/2009 16:53

Today, my boyfriend and I were having sex. Attempting to make things a little more exciting, I said in my sexiest voice "oh yeah, harder." My boyfriend who apparently doesn't like talking dirty, pulled out and angrily said "I was trying, what more do you want?" FML

I agree, your life sucks 78 214

You deserved it 20 092

Hey, Big Spender!

By El Sayer - 03/03/2020 23:01

Today, I put a lock on my account because of several unknown purchases for large amounts. Turns out it was my girlfriend, without asking. Who is now mad at me for blocking her parcels. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 719

You deserved it 164

15/05/2016 22:25

Today, my college instructor told me I hadn't actually failed a big exam as he originally said. It turns out he'd mixed me up with another student. Now thanks to the power of gossip, half my class thinks I slept with him so he'd switch my grade with the other student's. FML

I agree, your life sucks 14 535

You deserved it 1 332

02/07/2014 17:01

Today, I sent my boyfriend a picture of my boobs. I quickly found out that I'd accidentally sent it to my sister instead. She sent me one back. FML

I agree, your life sucks 51 707

You deserved it 29 213

31/08/2019 12:00

Today, I discovered I have narcolepsy. During a driving test. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 584

You deserved it 115

28/10/2009 11:00

Today, I won a raffle organised by a friend. I discovered one of the "prizes" was actually a present that I had given to her, that she had "loved". When I asked her where she had gotten it, she said, "Oh, just some crap someone gave me once." She didn't even remember that I had given it to her. FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 073

You deserved it 3 706

20/08/2011 00:22

Today, my grandmother sat me down and gave me a talk about the importance of personal hygiene. According to her, it's important that I shower twice a day, because "Fat people tend to have a most curious smell about them." FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 540

You deserved it 11 996

11/09/2013 00:14

Today, I hooked up with the guy I've liked for a while, even though my friends joked that his large pickup truck meant that he was "compensating" for having a small penis. They were right. Very right. FML

I agree, your life sucks 59 488

You deserved it 13 203

09/05/2011 04:03

Today, after being out of the closet for over three years, I learned that some of my friends still don't believe me that I am really a lesbian. They still think I made the whole thing up because I can't get a man. FML

I agree, your life sucks 40 922

You deserved it 8 050

13/11/2009 04:19

Today, my 6 year old daughter asked me if the tooth fairy was real. I said yes, and she said she wanted to try to catch her. Later, she pulled out a tooth and put it under her pillow. I came in to take out the tooth and replace it with money. There were mouse traps behind her pillow. FML

I agree, your life sucks 37 024

You deserved it 9 401

Stuck

By Lexxxiii - 26/03/2021 11:01

Today, my friend informed me that I’m not moving in with him anymore that his sister is taking my place. Unfortunately, I'd finally gathered the money and a car to move out of state with him. Just when I thought I was going to get away from this hellhole, I’m sinking further into never leaving. FML

I agree, your life sucks 877

You deserved it 73

12/08/2009 06:01

Today, I came home on leave from a 7 month deployment to Iraq. I wanted to see my girlfriend today, but she needed to spend time with her sick grandmother. As it turns out, her sick grandmother and my cousin are the same person. FML

I agree, your life sucks 62 544

You deserved it 3 532

13/04/2009 19:41

Today, I got 20% tints on my car. As I'm driving home, a cop pulls me over. I didn't want to ruin my new tint by opening my window, so I opened my door as the cop approached. He then pulled out his gun and yelled "GET ON THE FUCKING GROUND!" before I could explain. FML

I agree, your life sucks 42 550

You deserved it 58 171

19/02/2010 05:13

Today, I sat in bumper-to-bumper traffic for half an hour. The entire time, a man I had gone on a date with and that had gotten very out of hand with, was sitting in the car next to me. I noticed, panicked, and tried to drive off, rear-ending the car in front of me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 7 202

You deserved it 30 610

12/07/2011 07:14

Today, my boyfriend broke up with me using the "it's not you, it's me" speech with a slight variation, saying instead, "It's not me, it's you. And yes, I meant to say it that way round." FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 302

You deserved it 6 104

12/04/2015 20:57

Today, I caught my teenage daughter doing her laundry for the first time ever. She had piles of black and white, but then she threw them together in the washing machine. I told her blacks and whites were supposed to be separate, but she just said, "End the segregation, mom." FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 808

You deserved it 6 115

03/04/2011 15:14

Today, while bending over to get the brownies I was making out of the oven, my husband slapped my butt. I fell into the oven. FML

I agree, your life sucks 80 638

You deserved it 6 408

24/05/2014 19:31

Today, my grandma was diagnosed with lung cancer. We're very close, and I called my boyfriend, really needing some support. I'd barely told him what had happened, when he replied, "Babe, I'm in the middle of a game here. Call me later." FML

I agree, your life sucks 53 217

You deserved it 6 597

06/09/2012 12:46

Today, I met my boyfriend's parents for the first time. They jokingly asked me if I was only with him for his money. I didn't hear them properly so I just smiled and nodded. They now think I'm a gold digging bitch. FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 583

You deserved it 10 425

24/05/2009 19:50

Today, I went to the store to buy groceries. I didn't care how I looked, so I wore an old shirt that said, "Thousands of my potential children died on your daughter's face last night." I ran into my girlfriend's parents at the store. FML

I agree, your life sucks 46 961

You deserved it 158 027

10/07/2018 19:00

Today, I went to the dentist at 8:30 for a check up. I walked out at 2:00 with a root canal and several thousand dollars in debt. I guess I'm not having a wedding this year or quitting the job I hate. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 609

You deserved it 408

15/02/2013 05:42

Today, I saw my neighbor's delinquent kid shooting squirrels with a BB gun. Shocked and furious at his cruel behavior, I told him to stop, with the threat of telling his parents. He responded by shooting me in the nuts and running away in a fit of laughter. FML

I agree, your life sucks 38 987

You deserved it 11 118

28/12/2010 06:54

Today, I found out that my parents didn't come to my wedding not because they couldn't make it, but rather that my younger brother didn't want to go. FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 455

You deserved it 2 555

03/09/2014 02:13

Today, I was punched in the face because my uncontrollable hiccups were "annoying". FML

I agree, your life sucks 40 217

You deserved it 4 571

Pubes of steel

By bushburn - 01/06/2020 02:00

Today, I had to finally give my boyfriend an ultimatum. Either he at least trims his giant mass of unruly pubes or no more sex. I feel I have no choice since his huge bush has left friction burns on my face and down below. He doesn’t see the problem. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 753

You deserved it 231

15/08/2010 16:05

Today, to be nice, I baked cookies for my step-mom as a birthday present. I burnt my hand while putting them in the oven, but I'd hoped it would be worth it. When she got home, I gave one for her to try. She took a bite, spit it out, and threw it on the floor, asking if it was a joke or if I was really trying to poison her. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 307

You deserved it 3 610

16/09/2013 21:11

Today, it's my wedding day. Almost a year ago I was in a terrible car accident that nearly left me paralyzed, but I worked my ass off to be able to walk down the aisle. After a lot of blood, sweat, and tears I made it to the big day... and woke up with food poisoning. FML

I agree, your life sucks 70 073

You deserved it 3 383

31/12/2011 02:43

Today, my girlfriend decided to raid my games collection and try her hand at Amnesia: The Dark Descent. Two hours later, despite my best attempts to make her stop shrieking like a dying crackhead every two minutes, two cops showed up at the door with our neighbors in tow. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 973

You deserved it 3 041

Rude

By Anonymous - 30/08/2020 02:01

Today, my brother-in-law still insists on referring to me as "his brother's wife" and tells everyone I'm not his "sister-in-law." I've been married to his brother for 10 years. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 390

You deserved it 139

08/06/2009 10:39

Today, I was at a 21st birthday party. It got to the bit where they blow out the candles and the girl hosting blew out her candles. While she was blowing I whispered to the fella next to me, "That's not the only thing she'll be blowing tonight". The guy next to me was her dad. FML

I agree, your life sucks 16 958

You deserved it 92 505

01/06/2013 00:50

Today, at the supermarket, an old lady asked for directions to the produce aisle. Having read way too many stories lately on this very site about awful elderly folks, I was wary, but helped her out. She gave me an awkward hug in thanks, lifting my wallet in the process, as I later found out. FML

I agree, your life sucks 53 027

You deserved it 6 076

07/06/2012 18:12

Today, after a very painful mouth surgery, I went home to take a nap. Then my nose started bleeding, so I stuck a tissue in it and fell asleep. When I woke up, I was so high from painkillers that when I saw the tissue, I thought it was a ghost. I screamed so loud I burst a stitch. FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 407

You deserved it 5 259

27/02/2009 19:35

Today, to ask a boy I really liked to my school's turnabout dance, I gave him a box full of 10 cupcakes that spelled out T-U-R-N-A-B-O-U-T-?. The boy gave the box back a little later. There were two cupcakes left inside. It said N-O. FML

I agree, your life sucks 108 434

You deserved it 12 003

28/08/2012 17:50

Today, I finally picked up my new bank card after my old one was stolen. It took the bank six weeks and five separate orders to figure it out, on top of which they've charged me a rush fee. FML

I agree, your life sucks 24 157

You deserved it 1 895

14/09/2012 14:50

Today, my boyfriend tried to spice things up by sneaking into the shower with me. Instead, he walked in on me pooping. I only had the shower running because I was afraid he would hear me taking a dump. FML

I agree, your life sucks 18 229

You deserved it 30 098

16/02/2012 23:30

Today, the couple with three noisy toddlers in the apartment above mine finally moved out. A couple with a non-stop crying newborn moved in. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 020

You deserved it 3 114

23/10/2016 15:23

Today, I was at the local drive-thru with my boyfriend. While we were picking up the food, the asswipe at the window thought it hilarious to copy the scene from "American Beauty" and pretend that we were a couple and that I was cheating on him. My actual boyfriend believed it and won't talk to me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 10 968

You deserved it 1 003

28/05/2013 05:44

Today, I was sending intimate pictures to my girlfriend and accidentally sent one to my best friend. He sent me one back. FML

I agree, your life sucks 61 564

You deserved it 35 750

25/08/2012 13:15

Today, I learned that just because the actual part of the pan that does touch the stove isn't hot doesn't mean that the handle won't give you third degree burns, a broken nose from passing out from the pain, and an expensive trip to the emergency room. FML

I agree, your life sucks 23 436

You deserved it 6 876

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Top comments

BurnInDemonFire 32

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Monday 1 October 2018 17:08

So he let you know who he was, where he was, and what he was up to? He's a shit ninja, and a shit boyfriend. You're better off without him.

skippydoda 32

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Thursday 11 October 2018 14:02

You may not be able to dodge ninja weapons but you dodged a bullet.

Comments

BurnInDemonFire 32

Send a private message

Monday 1 October 2018 17:08

So he let you know who he was, where he was, and what he was up to? He's a shit ninja, and a shit boyfriend. You're better off without him.

skippydoda 32

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Thursday 11 October 2018 14:02

You may not be able to dodge ninja weapons but you dodged a bullet.

TumblrweedPasses 11

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Thursday 11 October 2018 14:19

Probably for the breast- er i mean best

CrazedSanity 17

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Thursday 11 October 2018 14:55

Good riddance.

jkjorn 15

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Thursday 11 October 2018 15:32

You couldn't have seen that coming- him being a ninja and all.

Howard Davidson III 11

Thursday 11 October 2018 15:58

He was aiming to break your heart.

blahblabbity 19

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Thursday 11 October 2018 19:26

that’s what happens when you date a ten year old

Marta Perlicka 13

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Friday 12 October 2018 1:59

He knows how to break up in style.

Takegami 22

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Friday 12 October 2018 7:58

This is legendary

oceanDiamond 2

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Friday 12 October 2018 14:10

ew wat a little boy!