Intimacy: Today, my boyfriend of 6 months said he wasn't going to break... - FML

By karebear - 09/09/2010 05:33 - United States

Spicy

Today, my boyfriend of 6 months said he wasn't going to break up with me, he was just going to stop touching me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 607

You deserved it 4 626

This Charming Man

Best teeth in the game

You're Gonna Miss Me When I'm Gone

By WOWreally - 25/09/2009 06:24 - United States

Today, I decided to surprise my husband in the shower. I got in and we were talking and goofing around and I stuck out my chest and sucked in my stomach being stupid and my husband says "Wait! Do it again! That's how you looked when I first met you." FML

I agree, your life sucks 40 914

You deserved it 12 063

By whoawhoawhoa - 28/12/2010 22:04 - Canada

Spicy

Today, my boyfriend and I heard my parents going at it upstairs. He said, "sounds like they're having more fun than we did." To make it worse, he crept to their door and put his ear to it, telling me what he heard. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 445

You deserved it 4 943

By Anonymous - 03/09/2012 17:16 - United States - Pensacola

Today, I went out clubbing with a few friends. A cute guy pointed at me from the bar and motioned for me to come over. I was excited and did just that. Turns out he just wanted to ask me if I'd thought about seeing a doctor for my jaundice. No, I just overdid my spray tan. FML

I agree, your life sucks 7 341

You deserved it 32 953

By Jeff - 02/08/2019 04:00 - United States

Today, after a stay at the hospital for two broken legs, I finally got home and attempted to relax. My dad went to hand me the remote and dropped it right on my nuts. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 576

You deserved it 120

By SorryUncleTommy - 01/10/2012 04:23 - United States - Brooklyn

Today, it was my uncle's funeral. I wasn't very close with him, but I still wanted to be respectful. My boyfriend, being the jackass that he is, was singing the Spider Pig song from The Simpsons under his breath while making his fingers walk up my leg, trying to get under my skirt. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 212

You deserved it 7 041

By Dansonn - 17/03/2009 03:17 - United States

Today, after work I went to the parking lot to my car to go home. I found my car doors heavily scratched and all my tires cut, with a note on my windshield. The note read, "F*** you, Jackson." I'm Tyler. Jackson is my co-worker. FML

I agree, your life sucks 200 461

You deserved it 10 592

By mylifesucks - 18/04/2009 07:20 - Netherlands

Today, I celebrated my 21st birthday. My boyfriend of almost 3 years gave me a big pink vibrator. Thinking it was a joke I said: "I won't need this as long as I have you!" His reply: "That's what I wanted to talk to you about." FML

I agree, your life sucks 123 177

You deserved it 7 003

By destiny147 - 30/11/2009 12:17 - United Kingdom

Today, I posted a picture of my boyfriend and I kissing on facebook. He untagged himself. FML

I agree, your life sucks 37 870

You deserved it 19 513

By Anonymous - 09/08/2009 13:27 - Canada

Today, I worked at my job at an amusement park at one of the roller coasters. I have to go around and make sure that every seat belt is around the passenger. I saw my boyfriend in a seat and ran over to say hi. I saw a girl next to him. I had to strap down my cheating boyfriend and the new girl. FML

I agree, your life sucks 66 833

You deserved it 3 880

By Anonymous - 24/12/2012 05:33 - United States

Spicy

Today, my boyfriend and I were in bed and I asked him why he was with me. His answer was, "Well, the last girl I dated was really smart and she always made me feel dumb, so I decided to switch things up a bit. You make me feel like a genius babe." FML

I agree, your life sucks 43 077

You deserved it 7 957

By I'm out - 06/09/2016 17:02 - United States - Huntsville

Today, I found a thong at my boyfriend's house. When I confronted him about it, he panicked and claimed it was his mom's. Right. FML

I agree, your life sucks 16 447

You deserved it 1 316

By The_FN_Gunny - 29/10/2013 22:31 - United States - Smyrna

Today, I was wearing a letterman jacket that had my school name and "Okinawa Japan" on the back. A high school kid walks up to me and says, "I can't forgive you people for bombing Pearl Harbor." I'm black. FML

I agree, your life sucks 47 304

You deserved it 4 132

By bewitched and bothered - 02/02/2009 13:25 - United States

Today, my boyfriend went into great detail over the Tiffany's jewelry he painstakingly selected for his previous girlfriends on their birthday. I got hand towels. In powder blue. From Target. FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 422

You deserved it 2 596

By jons - 17/02/2009 21:54 - United States

Spicy

Today, I went to the doctor for my yearly checkup. After getting my blood-pressure taken, my finger pricked, etc, the doctor began to ask me some questions. When asked if I was sexually active, I responded "Yes". The doctor started laughing. FML

I agree, your life sucks 51 390

You deserved it 3 580

By Anonymous - 25/08/2009 17:03 - United States

Today, I was at the park with my autistic son when I noticed a teenage girl imitating him by flapping her hands and walking on her toes. Fed up with children mocking my son, I went over and sternly lectured the girl's mother. Turns out, her daughter is autistic too and will be in my son's class. FML

I agree, your life sucks 44 897

You deserved it 23 109

By bear92 - 19/06/2009 04:25 - United States

Today, I went outside a friend's house to find that my car had been saran wrapped. I cleaned it up and went back inside the house. An hour later, I heard a doorbell ring so I went outside the house. They saran wrapped my car again. FML

I agree, your life sucks 47 444

You deserved it 5 891

By Charlotte - 25/01/2011 14:10

Spicy

Today, I found my electric globe. It asks you where a state, country or city is and you would have to find it and click on it with the pen. I also found out that my parents would sneak into my room at night, take it and play 'strip-globe'. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 061

You deserved it 3 023

By Anonymous - 24/12/2010 05:02 - Australia

Today, I helped out with makeup at my daughter's high school play. As one girl walked past, I told her that she'd smudged pink lipstick all up the side of her face. Turns out it was a birthmark. She cried in the dressing room for half an hour. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 968

You deserved it 12 433

By sadmommy - 23/04/2012 22:51 - United States - Keller

Today, I discovered that last night, my son snuck downstairs at 3am, drank two glasses of my very expensive wine, threw up on his bed, and then slept in his own vomit. My son is 14. FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 476

You deserved it 6 169

By Iamsosorry - 22/06/2015 11:35 - United Kingdom - Cambridge

Today, at my work in a call centre, a man called up on a very quiet line to report a car accident on his father's behalf because his father was deaf. I asked him to ask his dad if he was OK after the accident. I'd misheard him and he had said "dead", not "deaf". He started crying. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 386

You deserved it 4 111

By Rach - 08/06/2010 14:24 - United Kingdom

Today, my cat knocked over a cup of scalding hot tea - but don't worry, the carpet wasn't damaged. It went all over my leg instead leaving a nice big scar for my holiday. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 599

You deserved it 4 378

By Pokecousin - 27/12/2016 17:45

Today, I had to explain to my Pokemon-obsessed 6-year-old cousin that Albinos are not "Shiny People". FML

I agree, your life sucks 6 623

You deserved it 532

By Chris - 27/08/2019 22:00 - United Kingdom - Swindon

Today, I thought it would be funny to take an airhorn to a golf course and blow it while people were teeing off. It was very funny, until I blew the horn during some guy's backswing and his ball was shanked in my direction and hit me in the head. FML

I agree, your life sucks 337

You deserved it 5 052

By Anonymous - 29/07/2009 16:46 - United States

Spicy

Today, my wife found out my son masturbated and wanted to send him to counseling. Thinking she was overreacting, I told her I masturbated when I was a teen so he should turn out like me. She began sobbing uncontrollably. FML

I agree, your life sucks 68 083

You deserved it 7 240

Thanks for the support

By Anonymous - 31/10/2020 02:01

Today, I revealed to my parents that I'm planning on opening a food truck in the next few months. They both laughed in my face and said I'll never make any money. I've been working on this for 3 years. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 045

You deserved it 120

By smellsfunnyinfrance - 21/08/2016 16:43 - United Kingdom

Today, I had to ask my sister if she'd shit her pants because the smell of poop was following us around Paris. I don't know what's worse, the fact that I had to ask an eighteen-year-old, or that she said yes and didn't do anything. FML

I agree, your life sucks 18 700

You deserved it 1 179

By mrssagdiyev - 05/03/2011 14:19 - United States

Spicy

Today, my husband decided to imitate Borat and shout "Very Nice! I Excite!" while having sex. He's also decided that it was ingenious and does it every single time, the entire time. FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 496

You deserved it 5 422

By unappreciated - 25/06/2009 02:38 - United States

Today, I took my best friend out to dinner for my birthday. She gave me a gift after I paid the tab saying, "my mom thought you would like this - it was expensive." It was a lovely set of origami paper, which was the exact set I brought her as a souvenir from Japan. She was right, it was expensive. FML

I agree, your life sucks 45 698

You deserved it 2 794

By MistressSuzuka - 21/09/2012 00:05 - United States - Milwaukee

Spicy

Today, I helped my friend, who is a slob, move out of my house. I found the source of the funky smell she's been complaining about, under her bed. It was her vibrator. I found it with my bare hands. I had to bleach my hands twice and I still don't feel clean. FML

I agree, your life sucks 38 163

You deserved it 2 792

#1 Mom

By whoopsboutthecap - 15/11/2011 12:51 - United States

Today, my mom called me crazy and told me she wanted to put me in a mental hospital. She did this after repeatedly hitting me with a shoe. Why? Because I forgot to put the cap back on the toothpaste. FML

I agree, your life sucks 39 196

You deserved it 3 756

By anonymous - 04/11/2014 12:03 - Canada - North Vancouver

Spicy

Today, I was giving my boyfriend a blowjob. I was laying in between his legs because it's just more comfortable. I looked down, and he had pieces of toilet paper sticking out of his butt cheeks. FML

I agree, your life sucks 53 099

You deserved it 8 452

By Discipl - 28/10/2014 03:00 - Canada - Waterloo

Today, I strained so hard while on the toilet that I gave myself a nosebleed. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 043

You deserved it 5 921

The X Factor

By Tajjali Fatima - 13/09/2020 22:58

Today, I was singing in a terrible voice on purpose during a Zoom call from school, thinking I was on mute. I carried on, until a message saying, "The host has muted you" appeared on my screen. FML

I agree, your life sucks 509

You deserved it 1 579

By not laughing anymore - 11/12/2014 19:55 - Netherlands - Egelshoek

Today, since my finals are starting tomorrow, I made a joke about setting my math books on fire. I laughed. Friends laughed. Parents laughed. Guess what subject just managed to actually get in touch with my scented candles? FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 727

You deserved it 6 423

By Anonymous - 19/10/2010 06:17 - United States

Spicy

Today, I was texting this guy i've liked for a really long time, because of how nice and sentimental he is. We were sending each other things like "You make me smile" and "You're so damn cute" when finally he said "Let's just stop texting and hook up already." So much for sentimental. FML

I agree, your life sucks 14 402

You deserved it 42 737

Wrong place, right time

By Anonymous - 14/09/2019 12:00 - Australia - Cairns

Today, a co-worker came back from his honeymoon. He passed by my office to say hi, and mentioned, "I heard you're getting married next year?" I broke up with my boyfriend yesterday. He's taking his things out of the house as I write this. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 675

You deserved it 151

By laxguy23 - 21/04/2009 15:11 - United States

Today, I got a email from my boss. He said he was going to have to let me go for missing so much work over the last week. I was laid off two months ago. I don't know what is more depressing, getting fired from a job twice or the fact it took two months for them to notice I wasn't there anymore. FML

I agree, your life sucks 66 855

You deserved it 3 468

By John - 24/06/2011 07:17 - United States

Today, I had my anus probed twice by two different doctors. I was diagnosed with hemorrhoids. I'm a 22 year old guy and have to schedule a colonoscopy for next week. I guess there's a first time for everything. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 044

You deserved it 3 414

By Anonymous - 24/10/2010 00:52 - United States

Today, a woman got out of a car to scream at me as I was walking with the kids I babysit, demanding to know where I was taking her children. Apparently the woman who pays me is also a babysitter, who I have been "covering" for on her party nights. The mother doesn't believe I didn't know this. FML

I agree, your life sucks 39 516

You deserved it 2 796

Crisis

By Anonymous - 29/07/2020 23:00

Today, I had a customer throw his purchase at me and demand a refund after I told him that, due to the national change shortage, I couldn't give him his 38 cents. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 321

You deserved it 315

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Thursday 9 September 2010 12:12

Translation: Today my boyfriend told me he's gay. FML

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Thursday 9 September 2010 12:14

This made me laugh. I personally think there's more to this, like he kept trying to touch you and you kept freaking out or something. He still likes you, he's just sick of hearing you bitch & moan. This is all just my theory behind why he did what he did.

Comments

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Thursday 9 September 2010 12:06

that sucks :(

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Thursday 9 September 2010 12:13

hehe, technically it doesn't

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Thursday 9 September 2010 12:36

doesn't mean you can't touch him ;)

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Thursday 9 September 2010 15:00

OP BFD! quit complaining! get a new boyfriend.

KingDingALing 9

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Thursday 9 September 2010 15:18

OP- this calls for drastic measures... MASTURBATE IN FRONT OF HIM ;D Then we'll see if he wants to touch you or not.

boyguydudemalema 0

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Thursday 9 September 2010 16:15

im surprised there's no gay jokes that came up

sweetcheeksjvl 0

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Thursday 9 September 2010 17:42

that's pretty slick he doesn't have to do the breaking up even though he clearly wants to.

boopityboppity 11

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Friday 10 September 2010 0:27

53, there were gay jokes before you, they just weren't as a reply to 1. Perhaps you should follow their examples.

mad2physicist 0

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Friday 10 September 2010 8:29

Indeed, that would have quite an effect. For the record my first thought was that he had a religious crisis of conscience.

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Friday 15 July 2011 2:15

Yeah, it sucks. Shoulda been like "Well! I guess I'll be the one breaking up with you, then. We are over." |D

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Thursday 9 September 2010 12:07

someone needs to wash their private area?

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Friday 10 September 2010 9:11

LMFAO!!!!

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Sunday 17 June 2012 5:48

Hahaha xD

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Thursday 9 September 2010 12:08

Protip 342: Shower more than once a month

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Thursday 9 September 2010 12:12

Translation: Today my boyfriend told me he's gay. FML

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Thursday 9 September 2010 13:29

exactly what i thought!

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Thursday 9 September 2010 14:24

your hot

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Thursday 9 September 2010 15:15

agreed

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Thursday 9 September 2010 15:31

Cmon you guys really think that's actually her in the picture?

GraysonIsFail 0

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Thursday 9 September 2010 18:26

Why would she/he post a fake picture ;D? No one on the interwebs lies.

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Thursday 9 September 2010 18:32

@47, Do you really think that it is a girl?

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Saturday 11 September 2010 10:06

oh domo

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Wednesday 20 April 2011 17:54

It's a she male :)

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Thursday 9 September 2010 12:14

This made me laugh. I personally think there's more to this, like he kept trying to touch you and you kept freaking out or something. He still likes you, he's just sick of hearing you bitch & moan. This is all just my theory behind why he did what he did.

Elfyy 0

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Thursday 9 September 2010 12:26

I think there's more to it too. like she cheated or some shit. Why would he break up with her for no reason but stop touching her? Just doesn't add up to me.

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Thursday 9 September 2010 13:09

exactly. women are always at fault when they bitch about everything

allenrotstein 0

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Thursday 9 September 2010 15:00

yeah, women and their schemes..

Xtaci 0

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Thursday 9 September 2010 19:06

I agree. I think he Did try to keep touching her and she kept freaking out lol

boopityboppity 11

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Friday 10 September 2010 0:19

Thank you, 66, for restating 7's comment. It was too complex for me to interpret.

MarcusMachete 0

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Friday 10 September 2010 7:01

amen.

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Thursday 9 September 2010 12:15

family guy sucks futurama forever and dump that zero and get with a hero

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Thursday 9 September 2010 12:58

futurama!! best show ever!

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Friday 10 September 2010 1:58

there both amazing

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Thursday 9 September 2010 12:18

Sounds like someone needs to shave the beaver.

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Thursday 9 September 2010 12:19

ooooh! that does suck!! :/ sorry op

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Thursday 9 September 2010 12:26

Have sex with his brother or bestfriend? :D jk. Maybe you should make yourself more attractive.

GraysonIsFail 0

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Thursday 9 September 2010 12:38

That would be pretty slack tho );.

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Thursday 9 September 2010 19:07

But but but it's his fault. D:

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Thursday 9 September 2010 12:40

dick move.

Nearly

Today, I spent my 25th birthday crying alone in my room with my baby, because no else seemed to care it was my birthday. My partner and I had a fight the night before and we haven’t spoken or seen each other since. FML

I agree, your life sucks 18

You deserved it 6

Today, I live in Turkey and the dollar has risen to 13 lira. Just turks understand. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33

You deserved it 6

Spicy

Spicy

Today, my wife announced she wants to incorporate a saddle into our lovemaking. This might be fine, except she wants me to wear an actual 30-pound saddle, and I have bad knees. FML

I agree, your life sucks 320

You deserved it 36

Today, my daughter finally learned that you can’t sleep your way to success, after she tried and failed to seduce her married boss, was sacked, and blacklisted as a potential lawsuit throughout every company specialising in her chosen career field. FML

I agree, your life sucks 665

You deserved it 184