Work: Today, my boss joined me on my vacation, to "make sure I actually...

By are you kidding me? - United States - Lady Lake

Today, my boss joined me on my vacation, to "make sure I actually went". FML

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Work

Triage

Money, well, get back, I'm alright Jack…

Zeitgeist

By microlovin - United States - Pasadena

Today, my girlfriend wanted to try something new in the bedroom, so she got an assortment of different sized cock rings. She laughed when the one we were trying to use kept falling off, and said to try a smaller one. It was the smallest in the set. FML

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By AlwaysTired - United States - San Carlos

Today, I was officially diagnosed with OCD. My mother's reaction? "That's not possible, she's a fucking slob." FML

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By sadface - Australia

Today, I pulled a hamstring by taking a dump. FML

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By what did I do? - United States - San Francisco

Today, I proposed to my girlfriend. She slapped me in the face, stormed out and won't answer my calls. What the hell? FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Phoenix

Today, I was waiting in line for what seemed like forever at the only open lane at the grocery store. The guy in front of me took his sweet time and had multiple cards rejected, before finally pulling out a $100 bill and demanding exact change. He was buying a carton of milk. FML

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By Anonymous - 15/12/2020 16:58 - United States - Mechanicsburg

Contact tracing

Today, I woke up to a text from my girlfriend telling me to call when I wake up. Turns out she had one of her friends over who tested positive for Covid and I was just at her house, so now I’m forced to quarantine. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I picked up a warm blanket that just came out of the dryer. Despite wearing pants, the static electricity from the blanket delivered a shock straight to my crotch. FML

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By OhDear - United States

Today, I went to a friend's wedding. While I was holding my four year old son, he managed to unclip the back of my dress and give the whole church a show. FML

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By flipflop - United States

Today, I got married. I was so nervous right before I said my vows that, in the dead silence, I farted. Loud. My brother showed me afterwards, on tape, over and over and over again. FML

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By Nickel

Today, my mom's friend came over. She brought her son and claimed that we could have bonding time. I ended up chasing the five-year-old around the house for an hour. After they'd left, my mom saw that the little kid had broken a lamp and a clock. She then said I had to pay for it using my money. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was in a public restroom when my almost-2-year-old figured out how to open the door and run out. Half-a-dozen strangers watched me scramble to pull up my pants and moon everyone before running after her. FML

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By Anonymous - 16/4/2021 16:59 - Netherlands

Couldn't have been that great

Today, I woke up naked in my best friend's roommate's bed. We had sex and I puked on the bed. My first sex in over a year and I don't remember a thing. FML

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By Tommy - United States

Today, I approached the girl I like, hoping to ask her out. Just as I strode up to her, she excused herself as quickly as she could. I then realized I'd forgotten to zip up my pants after going to the bathroom minutes before. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Dallas

Today, I returned to work after taking two days off to find I'd been fired. Why? For not being at work on those two days. Everything was agreed in writing, all trace of which has mysteriously vanished. I can't work until HR sorts it out, and nobody can tell me how long that'll take. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I finally finished painting a house that took me 3 weeks to complete at 10 hours a day, including weekends, due to my dedication to perfection. When I went to meet with the homeowner for pay day, which was supposed to be $2000, he gave me $200, 5 tacos and then told me to "get the f*** off my lawn." FML

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By Username - United States

Today, I drunk texted a guy I like. We'd met at an Alcoholics Anonymous meeting. FML

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By Anonymous

Nature is so wonderful!

Today, I was backpacking, and I was in a tent. It had rained all day and finally, I was dry. I settled down in my slightly damp sleeping bag. I woke up halfway through the night with a frog on my face and my feet in freezing cold water. Our tent had drifted into a frog pond. FML

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By Nyah Murphy

Today, I fell asleep for 20 minutes during my first final in law school. I took a $70k loan to be here. FML

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By fuji

Today, I was pulled over and given a ticket for a broken tail light. On the way to the mechanic. To get my tail light fixed. FML

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By shatMyself - United States

Today, I was admitted to the hospital for chronic constipation. I have to share a room with two other girls who are also having bowel problems. We're all on strong laxatives, and there's apparently only one bathroom in this place. FML

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By xxlenalunaxx - United States

Today, after waiting for 2 weeks for the right moment to meet my boyfriend's mom, she walked in as I was straddling him, trying to prove that I'd win in a wrestling match. I guess we met, then. FML

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By Money-money-money - France

Today, I played a game of Monopoly with my friends. Since I'm of Greek origin, they thought it would be funny to make me start with a €100,000 debt. FML

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By Karaoke Queen

Today, I went to a work event and was having my picture taken with a coworker. Since we had done karaoke together, someone said we should pose like we were singing. I held my hand up like I was holding a mic and opened my mouth. It looked like I was performing a sex act. My boss glared at me. FML

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By gettingacat - United States

Today, I set up a miniature nativity scene in my apartment. Three hours ago, my dog decided it would be a good idea to eat baby Jesus. Two hours ago, the vet laughed and said not to worry because I would 'have him back in time for Christmas'. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my favorite fish died. To make things better my parents thought to take me out to dinner. We ate sushi. FML

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By TDCC - United States

Today, my dog ate a $2,000 check. My credit card bill gets taken out of my bank account tomorrow. FML

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By pits

Today, I finally noticed after months of having the same cover photo on several websites, that it looks like I have a bushel of armpit hair due to a shadow. FML

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By daughterinlaw - United States - La Plata

Today, my mother-in-law, who apparently made a copy of our house key without permission, walked in on my husband and me doing the deed. She went crazy, yelling at me for "defiling" her son. Last week, she yelled at me for not having given her grand-children yet. FML

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By emmingle - Canada - Burnaby

Today, I discovered that the "dish soap" my sister uses to clean our dishes when it's her turn, is actually a semi-toxic floor cleaner. FML

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By Anonymous - Malaysia

Today, my family and I went to a beach where you could swim with dolphins. I was a little scared to swim with them so the trainers had a 5 minute chat to me about how they were harmless creatures. Once I got in, the dolphin attacked me and bit me. FML

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By smoothies14 - United States - Weatherford

Today, I was studying on a bench outside my dorm when the leg snapped. I decided to do the right thing and let administration know what happened. After assuring me it wasn't my fault, and having me fill out an incident report, they billed me $400. I can't enroll for next semester until I pay. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was singing the National Anthem at a school game and totally forgot the words. So I kept singing the same two lines over and over. FML

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By me - United States - Floresville

Today, my 6-year-old daughter walked into the bathroom where I was grumbling about my weight. Seeing how upset I was, she took my hand and said, "Mom, you're not fat. You just look fat." FML

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By toothfairy - United Kingdom

Today, My 5 year old sister informed me she had left me a present in my bed. She had tied a ribbon around a dead rat's neck and propped it up on my pillow. The label says his name was Bert. FML

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By Katy

Today, I fell in a vent in our floor while decorating our Christmas tree. My husband removed the grates months ago to increase airflow. I fell in past my knee and he had to pull me out by the arms. It's been four days and I can still barely walk. My office is on a second floor... We don't have an elevator. FML

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom - Dunfermline

Today, I ate some amazing homemade brownies that my best friend's wife made for us. She waited till I'd shoved a third one into my mouth before she mentioned she made them with breast milk. Knowing her, I don't even doubt it was true. FML

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By Medfail - United Kingdom - Bath

Today, at the age of 27, I learnt that your tonsils aren't the dangly bit at the back of your throat. I work in healthcare. FML

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By IrisKitty - United States - Englewood

Today, I found out my grandma sleeps in the nude. I witnessed her running naked from her bedroom to the bathroom, because she "didn't have enough time" to put on her robe. I need to get my own place. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, I caught a ride with a coworker in their brand new mercedes. They spent the drive passionately talking about how it made them a better driver and all the people that say otherwise are idiots. After running three stop signs and nearly sideswiped a mini-van I decided to walk the last mile. FML

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By - France

Today, my girlfriend has big fake boobs, but gets offended when I tell her how much I like them. FML

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Top comments

By guii_fml | 24

#6607942 - Tuesday 17 May 2016 11:59

And what would he do if you didnt go? You took the time off

By sohigh10 | 34

#6607939 - Tuesday 17 May 2016 11:43

That is some dedication.. why would he even care what you did in your vacation?

COMMENTS

By sohigh10 | 34

#6607939 - Tuesday 17 May 2016 11:43

That is some dedication.. why would he even care what you did in your vacation?

By guii_fml | 24

#6607942 - Tuesday 17 May 2016 11:59

And what would he do if you didnt go? You took the time off

By SofaKing619 | 13

#6607948 - Tuesday 17 May 2016 12:02

Creepy

By Shalnar | 6

#6607951 - Tuesday 17 May 2016 12:06

Very peculiar

By cocacola999 | 27

#6607962 - Tuesday 17 May 2016 12:43

Plot twist: it is a family business and OP's partner is their boss.

vikky538 | 28

#6608022 - Tuesday 17 May 2016 15:19

I agree with this

By haythatsgood | 5

#6607963 - Tuesday 17 May 2016 12:47

Is your boss Michael Scott?

By Magnoxidans | 19

#6607965 - Tuesday 17 May 2016 13:04

Pretty sure that's completely inappropriate...

By waleedma | 17

#6607969 - Tuesday 17 May 2016 13:09

How did he know where u r going!!!!!

Enkeria | 30

#6608076 - Tuesday 17 May 2016 16:42

OP probably said something of where they were going in order to get the time off.

By CamBamShamDaMan | 26

#6607970 - Tuesday 17 May 2016 13:11

Sounds like something my dick lick of a boss would do

By OnlySkyrimStays | 11

#6607973 - Tuesday 17 May 2016 13:17

Does he do the same when you go to the bathroom?