Today, my batshit crazy coworker told me that she wants to hear...

By hellolaina - 22/7/2016 07:43 - United States - Blacklick

Today, my batshit crazy coworker told me that she wants to hear my skin sizzle. I'm afraid to go to work now. FML

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hellolaina tells us more :

OP here. This happened a few years ago. She's like 28 and has loose wires in her brain. I ended up quitting that job. Not because of her. I haven't seen her since.

Work

Breaking Badly

Overbearing much?

How's your hovel?

By Concert Flatulent - 10/7/2012 04:44 - United States - Marshall

Today, I went to an orchestra concert. Halfway through the performance I had to fart really bad, so I decided to try and sneak it in while the orchestra was playing a loud exciting part. Just as I let it rip, there was a dramatic pause in the music. Everyone heard. FML

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By hwood - 9/9/2009 16:53 - United States

Today, my Grandmother was sent to the ER. My family blamed it on her being allergic to my cats, making me feel guilty. She just called me to tell me the test results informed her that she is actually allergic to the carrot cake they got her. I gave my cats away 15 minutes ago to a little girl. FML

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By Kikinovak - 13/12/2008 12:06 - France

Today, a driver stole the parking space I was about to pull into. I politely asked him to move. He had a go at me, so I kick his car twice, in front of a few witnesses. The car is fine. I ripped two ligaments in my foot and I'll have a cast for a month. FML

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By Uriyahu - 20/9/2010 22:11 - United States

Today, a drunk driver crashed in through my living room wall. Not only that, but he managed to completely miss the first two houses on the block, which should have been a barrier before mine. FML

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By a816090 - 27/5/2019 18:09

Today, I got written up because I took a dump at work that lasted longer than 5 minutes, and I didn't punch out for it as a "paid break." FML

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By OldBitch - 16/8/2020 02:01

Growing old gracefully

Today, I realized my breasts look like sweat socks and my ass is sagging so much, it slaps the back of my legs. My neck has grown three chins, and I have put on 40 lbs. Yes, the golden years are here at last, and they can certainly kiss my ass. Happy 50th to me. FML

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By Anonymous - 28/1/2011 11:44 - United States

Today, at work, a homeless woman called me trash, threw her coffee at me, and told me to get a job. I do have a job. It's homeless outreach. FML

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By pam - 3/12/2008 05:04 - France

Today, I said thanks to a man who got up for me in the bus. He angrily said "no, not you!". The old lady who sat down is now staring at me. FML

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By Sally19863 - 30/8/2010 16:18 - South Africa

Today, I discovered that I have developed a latex allergy. I'm a third year medical student. FML

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By lola1313 - 18/9/2013 02:17 - United States - Downers Grove

Today, I forgot my blind date's name 3 times during our conversation. FML

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By Not-pregnant - 20/4/2014 17:21 - United States - Melbourne

Today, my dad made me stick my gut out and walk around awkwardly, just so I'd look pregnant and let him get away with parking in an "expectant mothers" parking spot. FML

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By Cassie - 21/5/2011 07:44 - United States

Today, my crush and I were talking on the phone and we were really hitting it off. We got on the subject of sex and I told him I have a purity ring. Then he suddenly said he had to go and hang up. FML

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By Anonymous - 10/9/2011 06:35 - United States

Today, I decided to formally introduce my girlfriend to my parents. My dad took the opportunity to apologize for walking in on us a few days ago while we were having sex. It wasn't her. Thanks dad. FML

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By son - 18/3/2010 11:15 - Israel

Today, my mom told me that she doesn't want me to help any of my friends get a job at the restaurant I work at. Apparently, she thinks that they would do a better job than me and get me fired. FML

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By the_emilymohr - 28/3/2020 23:00

Gourmet dinner

Today, after feeding my cats, I walked out of the room. Five minutes later, I heard one of them making a hacking sound. Knowing the outcome, I went to get some paper towels to wipe up the mess. When I went in, my other cat was eating it. Certain things cannot be unseen. FML

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By shouldagone2work - 24/9/2009 21:24 - United States

Today, while on my first day off in 2 years, I decided to play online poker. I won over $3,000. While filling out my information to get the money the power went out. FML

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By lindsey789 - 7/10/2010 04:21 - United States

Today, I was sitting in my room watching TV when I heard my mother obnoxiously yelling for the dog. Minutes later she stomped into my room, swatted me over the head, and yelled at me for not answering when she called. She actually got my name mixed up with the dog's. FML

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By stephanie - 28/9/2018 03:00

Today, my husband tried to use his "grief" over his grandmother's death to manipulate me into giving him a blowjob. In the toilets. During the funeral. With his family only a few yards down the hall crying their eyes out. What an asshole I married. An absolute asshole. FML

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4403

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By StupidCar - 7/2/2009 20:56 - United States

Today, I spent 600 dollars to have my brakes fixed on my car, they weren't squeaking. I got my car back and now the brakes squeal and my air conditioning won't work. I just spent 600 dollars to break my car even more. FML

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By brrrr that's cold! - 27/1/2011 20:24 - United States

Today, I finally felt well enough to take an actual shower after having surgery on my back. It took five minutes to stand up, ten minutes to get to the shower, and another ten minutes to get in. The pilot light went out in less than five minutes. FML

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By exiledliscense - 9/11/2011 19:18 - United States

Today, my dad made me quit my online school classes and go back to public school, because apparently when I'm on the computer, it makes his video games lag. FML

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By Anonymous - 25/6/2013 16:21 - United States - Flowery Branch

What a Q-tip

Today, I heard my boyfriend making the same noises while cleaning out his ears as the ones he makes whenever we have sex. FML

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By Alisha - 30/3/2011 17:28 - United Kingdom

Today, my friends sat me down and said they were concerned I was self-harming. I don't self-harm, I'm just a massive klutz. They don't believe me, and want me to get professional help. And now, because I found it all so funny, they think I'm mentally unhinged. FML

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By ohtheirony - 22/9/2014 01:27

Today, the man who hit on me in a store and asked for my number showed up on my doorstep to inquire about my couch for sale. With his wife. FML

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By Anonymous - 21/8/2012 00:46 - United States - Oregon

Today, at football practice, the biggest lineman shouldered me so hard in the groin that my protective cup pushed back with enough force to crack the bone. FML

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By no tp - 15/2/2012 01:26 - United States

Today, I forgot to grab toilet paper on the way home from work. Since I don't have a car and all of my friends have plans for Valentine's Day I'm now down to wiping with cotton balls. FML

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By Cathy - 14/12/2009 05:03 - United States

Today, my husband was choosing an auto insurance. Geico was $500 and Allstate was $200. He chose Geico because it had a 'cute little lizard.' FML

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By Gem - 11/2/2011 10:59 - Australia

Today, my Dad thought "Joseph" and "Francis" were two people hacking our internet. They are actually the names of my laptop and iPod, which have now been blocked from using our modem. He can't figure out how to unblock them. FML

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By jgdgjyfg - 25/7/2011 07:21 - United Kingdom

Today, my dad taped a picture of me to the fridge with "Do not feed the she-beast" written on it. FML

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By joe rogan fucking sucks, dude - 27/4/2014 20:51 - Australia - Warwick

Today, my girlfriend informed me that during the night, I shot up in bed and whimpered tearfully, "I don't have anything for the fancy-dress!" She also decided to share this with all our friends. I'm never going to live this down. FML

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By forest killer girl - 14/9/2017 16:00

Today, I went out with a friendly guy who's very passionate about the environment and everything was going fine until he asked about my job. I work as a clerk in a plantation company. He went from Mr. Daydream to Mr. Scary because the company I work for is destroying the forest. FML

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By Danielle - 25/10/2020 11:02

Barf

Today, I threw up during sex. FML

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By mlowy - 9/5/2014 05:35 - Azerbaijan - Baku

Today, my computer crashed and lost all of its data while I was making a back up. FML

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By storyofmylife - 15/3/2009 02:27 - United States

Today, while I was babysitting, the toddler was feeding me banana slices from her tray while I was cutting up clay for her to mold. It was all fine until she shoved something hard and crunchy into my mouth. I immediately spat it out into my hand. It was a dead cricket she found on the floor. FML

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By anonymous - 29/3/2012 15:42 - United States - Houston

Today, my boss pulled me aside to chastise me for being "off task" because I was chatting with a co-worker while working on a project. She then spent a half hour chatting with the same person about what daycare she should go to for her new baby. FML

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By minimoonpie - 7/9/2011 11:55 - Australia

Today, I was serving an incredibly rude woman at work. The ladder I had used to get her two pairs of shoes came crashing down, and hit my face and neck. She only bought one pair, and ten minutes later returned them after complaining they were too expensive. FML

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By Anonymous - 24/7/2015 17:59 - Northern Mariana Islands - Saipan

Today, I was telling 3 classmates on Whatsapp about my depression. One of them told me to "nut up n grow a pear." Two hours after we mocked him for being an illiterate jackass, one of us has had our car tires knifed and another's house has been egged. I'm terrified of what will happen to me. FML

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By byebyeromance - 26/8/2014 01:03 - United States - State College

Today, I was cuddling my boyfriend before going to bed. He farted really loud and spat in my face as he laughed. FML

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By shifala - 22/1/2015 09:02 - Philippines - Caloocan

Today, I was riding my bike to work in a hurry and hit a pothole. I flew off and hit the ground hard. I was badly shaken, but an old lady came over, checked me out and helped me to my feet. After she left the scene, I realized she'd pickpocketed my wallet while "helping" me. FML

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By bTOhno - 13/8/2011 06:37 - United States

Today, I woke up at my girlfriend's house. She was staring at me, holding a knife over my face. She ran away, giggling. FML

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Top comments

By Welshite | 39

#6655346 - Friday 22 July 2016 18:23

Seared human is the best. I'll bet you pair well with a glass of red wine too.

By gracehi | 31

#6655345 - Friday 22 July 2016 18:23

It's because you're so hot, OP. You're already sizzling. She just wants to *hear* it.

COMMENTS

By gracehi | 31

#6655345 - Friday 22 July 2016 18:23

It's because you're so hot, OP. You're already sizzling. She just wants to *hear* it.

By Welshite | 39

#6655346 - Friday 22 July 2016 18:23

Seared human is the best. I'll bet you pair well with a glass of red wine too.

TheLostCauseFML | 40

#6655596 - Saturday 23 July 2016 1:52

Have you been taking notes from Hannibal Lector? "I once ate ones liver with some fava beans and a nice chianti." or however it goes. lol. Or did he take notes from you? lol

By Oh_No_Not_Him | 25

#6655355 - Friday 22 July 2016 18:28

Her surname's not Lecter by any chance?

freddygasman | 18

#6655524 - Friday 22 July 2016 23:07

Uncle Hannibal, can we have a co-worker of mine for dinner tonight?

By _Adog2645 | 24

#6655366 - Friday 22 July 2016 18:43

Uhh... You might want to report that to your boss or something

By RememberSchlitz | 9

#6655371 - Friday 22 July 2016 18:52

Go to work and don't worry about it, but do remember the Boy Scout Motto: Be Prepared.

By toolazytotype99 | 18

#6655381 - Friday 22 July 2016 19:29

Time to start carrying pepper spray to work OP

By peglegmeg9117 | 4

#6655401 - Friday 22 July 2016 19:52

best way to beat a creeper is become a bigger one towards them. I had a nasty manager that kept leering at me until i started making horribly ugly faces at him then he got disgusted lmao

By janfleury | 19

#6655407 - Friday 22 July 2016 19:56

HR time and time to start watching your back.

By runfoxierun | 5

#6655420 - Friday 22 July 2016 20:10

Hopefully you don't work where there are fryers.

By heatherrr17 | 19

#6655463 - Friday 22 July 2016 21:06

What does that even mean?!!