Work: Today, I was working at the hospital front desk when an elderly... - FML

By Anonymous - Canada

Today, I was working at the hospital front desk when an elderly man started hurling racial slurs at another visitor. A fight broke out, so I stepped in and forcibly separated the two. The old man tripped and crashed to the floor. Now I'm under investigation for "contributing to workplace violence." FML

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Understandable

That'll be Kevin in accounting

Rock n Roll is a dirty business

By fatpooch - Canada

Today, my mom decided our whole family is going on a diet. Why? Because the vet told us our dog is overweight, and she "didn't want Twix to suffer alone." FML

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By ww2freak - United States - Centreville

Today, I found out that if you whistle Christmas carols while shitting in a public bathroom, a little boy might just look under the stall to see if Santa is pooping. FML

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By Anonymous - South Africa

Today, I was in a very crowded train coming home from work. I saw a cute guy sitting across from me. As I lifted my one leg to hook it over my other leg, I let out a loud fart. All I could do was sit there and wait for my stop. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I found out why my husband had wanted to wait until marriage to get it on. Last night was the first night of our honeymoon, and he informed me that he wasn't always Ben, but used to be Brenda. His 'penis' doesn't work and he had wanted to know I "truly loved him" before he had let me know. FML

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By Andrexwife - United Kingdom

Today, it's my first wedding anniversary, or Paper anniversary. I got him airline tickets for an expensive weekend break for two in Berlin. He got me a toilet roll. FML

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By NotCool - 19/1/2021 19:57 - United States - Midlothian

Crossed Animal

Today, just like every other day, my mom has prioritized doing chores and chatting with her neighbors above even talking to me. This would be fine, if it wasn't in Animal Crossing. Apparently, a lifestyle video game is more important than me. FML

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By firstandlastjob - 13/6/2020 14:11

Make it stop

Today, at work I had to listen to a group of old men talk about double penetration. I work at a coffee shop. FML

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By notapervert - United States - Santa Rosa

Small talk fail

Today, I managed to score a date for the first time in over a year, and was very nervous. When I was asked what I do for a living, I laughed nervously, and then blurted out, "Finger women." What I was trying to jokingly say was that I'm a gynecologist. FML

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By Childhood - United States

Today, I went to my little cousin's school to pick her up and it happened to be my old elementary school. I saw my old teacher and went up to say hi, and after a few minutes she goes "Aren't you the girl who's dad always came in drunk on parent's day?" Nice to know that's how I'm remembered. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was driving with my mom. She had some soda with her from earlier, and even though it was probably warm, I was thirsty. I ask for a sip, she hands it to me and says sure. And I get a mouthful of ash-and-cigarette-butt-filled soda. Apparently she didn't feel the need to mention this to me. FML

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By 3LLI0TT - United States

Today, I poured my heart out into what had to be my greatest set of lyrics for my band ever, at the same time my teacher was explaining chemical changes to the class. At the end of the lecture he picked up my paper, and set it on fire to demonstrate a chemical change. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Saint Louis

Today, I came home from a rough day working two jobs to find a plate of cookies on my desk with a note from my roommates saying, "You deserve it!" I happily broke one in half to eat and discovered they contained coconut. I'm allergic to coconut, a fact both of my roommates are aware of. FML

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By Noname - United States

Today, while I was out to eat, I was approached by the restaurant manager. He told me that while he respected my personal choices, his patrons didn't feel comfortable with someone who used to be a man using the women's restroom. He thought I was a transsexual. I am a naturally-born female. FML

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By Anonymous - Malta - Qormi

Today, after a dental appointment, my lips were numb. On the bus on my way back home, the cutest girl smiled at me. In attempt to smile back, I forgot my lips were numb and ended up spitting my chewing gum at her. I had to switch buses. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, I was fired from my babysitting job because the baby’s first word was my name. Well, I’m sorry, but if you ask me to look after your child 14 hours a day, 6 days a week, and by the time you pick them up they’re already asleep, of course they’re going to know my name better than yours. FML

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By nhanley1 - United States

Today, my cell phone broke. It wouldn't even turn on. I went online to access my account so that I could order a new phone. I couldn't remember my password. The phone company had an option of "forgot my password". Upon clicking I get a message saying "Your password will be sent to your phone". FML

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By Hopelesshomeless - United States - Cedar Rapids

Today, I moved back to my home town. My best friend and I had arranged to rent a house together that we both liked. I finished my last day at work and made the three-hour drive, only for her to break down and tell me that she isn't "ready" to move out of her parents' basement. She's 25. FML

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By ThatOneGuy

Today I went on a date with my long time crush only to find out that we are distant cousins. FML

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By VelocityMary - United States

Today, a friend offered to have sex with me, since I'm a 19 year old virgin who's only been kissed. He then added on that I would have to give him my Wii in return. FML

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom - Birmingham

Today, the guy I really like acknowledged my existence for the first time. Too bad it was through a text saying "lol ur a fat fukc". FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my father went out to get batteries for the remote control helicopter I bought him for Christmas. In his excitement, he backed his truck into my car. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - De Forest

Today, I noticed that my boyfriend's sister looks at my ass more than my boyfriend does. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Gorham

Today, my grandmother saw me for the first time in years. "Not all your clothes have to be as tight as condoms, you tramp," is probably the nicest greeting she's ever given me. FML

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By PNeil

Time wasting

Today, after having spent all of last night studying for an algebra test, I find out that the test was on a completely different chapter of my textbook. FML

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By Ew - United States - Washington

Today, I went for a three-mile run. I was really proud of myself until I woke up from my dream in my bed, surrounded by empty soda bottles and fast food bags. I haven't worked out in years. FML

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By unsatisfying - Australia

Countdown

Today, my wife checked the time while we were having sex. Twice. FML

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By ciotter - United States

Today, my cat sneezed directly into my open eyeball. FML

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By higagram - United States

Today, I bumped into a lady in the New Jersey airport. After I politely apologized she said, "Watch your step, asshole." FML

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By Anonymous - Canada - Whitby

Today, I used a prank app, where you shake the cell, and it makes the screen looks cracked. I ended up losing my grip on the phone. It went flying, and it is now cracked for real. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Lake Forest

Today, I went on what I thought was a date. After a wonderful night with a perfect gentleman, he told me how excited he is that he's moving in with his girlfriend next week, and thanked me for reassuring him that he doesn't want anyone but her. FML

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By whoawhat - United States

Today, I went to the grocery store where I work to pick up my pay check. After I got it, I headed back to the dorms to take a quick nap before Chemistry later. I woke up, and my check was gone. I later found it. In the form of a text from my roommate saying he gambled away 'our' money. FML

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By IDontGetPaidEnoughForThisShit - Australia - Hawthorn

Today, on my day off, I received a call from my boss asking why I wasn't at work yet. After getting dressed and an hour-long train ride later, I got there only to find out that it was an April Fool's prank. I had to take the train back home. FML

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By failed - Switzerland

Take a chill pill

Today, I was going down on my girlfriend. I thought everything was going well, then all of a sudden she gets up and screams at me "IT'S NOT A TACO EATING COMPETITION, CHILL OUT." FML

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By Anonymous - 24/8/2020 02:02

Heartless

Today, I received a positive Covid-19 test. Despite being largely asymptomatic, the company I work for decided that I've behaved with "gross neglect" by coming to work in an attempt to support the company's ambition, and promptly fired me with no benefits. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, I was told I don't qualify for disability benefits because I'm too young. I get this answer each time I apply, no matter how many lawyers and doctors I get. My mobility is so bad I've become wheelchair-bound and need assistance to bathe. How much worse do they want me to get? FML

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By Anonymous

Seize the means of production!

Today, there was a gas leak at work. We called the fire department, who advised us to evacuate the building. We called our manager to let her know, and her response was "Oh, don’t do that." My boss would rather let us die of carbon monoxide exposure than lose out on 3 hours of work. FML

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By vibratorgirl - United States

Today, I left my parents house to drive 90 minutes back to college. As I was getting off the exit for my school, I realized I left my bright pink vibrator sitting on my dresser back at home. FML

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By ninjawhat1337 - United States

Today, I told my dad that I was going to sleep over my friends house this weekend with a few other guys to play Dungeons and Dragons. He responded with, "Oh, back in my day, me and my pals used to pick on the kids who played Dungeons and Dragons." FML

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By Steven - United Kingdom - Llanelli

Judgmental much?

Today, at a supermarket, I ran into a girl I knew in high school. She had 2 kids with her and they were buying school supplies. My cart was full of beer and snacks. After a chat, she left, not before saying, "I hope things get better for you." I have a job and a girlfriend. FML

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By Kfeaaa - United States

Today, I ran up to my boyfriend and gave him a kiss. I didn't understand why the girl next to him got upset, but it turns out the voicemail I deleted by accident was him breaking up with me. FML

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Top comments

By SageAnonymous | 6

#3049159 - Saturday 6 August 2011 5:10

Don't lie. You were the one shouting 'fight, fight' as they hobbled to one another.

By ChucktheNorris | 0

#3049073 - Saturday 6 August 2011 5:04

He got what he deserved. :) no more racist man

COMMENTS

By livlafluv100 | 2

#3048949 - Saturday 6 August 2011 4:55

ah well, at least u tried, right? but that sucks.

Reply

Cereal_Is_Good | 5

#3048977 - Saturday 6 August 2011 4:57

You shouldn't have pushed the old man down, you heartless liar.

Reply

iloveeyouuxD | 9

#3049033 - Saturday 6 August 2011 5:00

It's the thought that counts.

Reply

2ndSucks | 15

#3049125 - Saturday 6 August 2011 5:08

No good deed goes unpunished.

Reply

heyguysitsjosh | 8

#3050450 - Saturday 6 August 2011 9:07

1- wrong OP- best not to get involved, sit back and enjoy the show.

Reply

CarsAndMoney | 5

#3050832 - Saturday 6 August 2011 11:10

12- lol thats so true

By aFatFuck | 0

#3048961 - Saturday 6 August 2011 4:57

the things that happen when you step outside the kitchen

By mandy248 | 0

#3048969 - Saturday 6 August 2011 4:57

Shouldve let it keep going. Don't u wanna know who wouldve won?

Reply

iEatGuppies | 0

#3049695 - Saturday 6 August 2011 6:31

yeah forget not getting fired and keeping your job, it only matters who won!

no.

By forkbrother13 | 0

#3048971 - Saturday 6 August 2011 4:57

sounds like it was a dangeris situashun!

Reply

RavenLovesGir | 0

#3049462 - Saturday 6 August 2011 5:42

Your picture scares the shit out of me...

Reply

dreamering | 16

#3049632 - Saturday 6 August 2011 6:21

4 must have fingers in the same shape like those teeth in his profile picture.

Reply

Ghostkiller12345 | 9

#3049733 - Saturday 6 August 2011 6:37

4- I bet you failed your english classes

Reply

marmlr339 | 14

#3062044 - Monday 8 August 2011 7:28

I'm no grammar nazi, but for fucks sake, learn to spell!

By bobbybill0519 | 7

#3049031 - Saturday 6 August 2011 5:00

First finally!!!

Reply

iloveeyouuxD | 9

#3049081 - Saturday 6 August 2011 5:04

Maybe your just 5 minutes late so fail

By ashleynicole0209 | 0

#3049054 - Saturday 6 August 2011 5:03

Damn that sucks!

Reply

Babalu722 | 3

#3051532 - Saturday 6 August 2011 15:56

thats why when old people fight, i just watch

By ChucktheNorris | 0

#3049073 - Saturday 6 August 2011 5:04

He got what he deserved. :) no more racist man

Reply

PrickHead | 0

#3049146 - Saturday 6 August 2011 5:09

chuck norrois doesnt crash to the floor, the floor crashes in to chuck norris...

Reply

ChucktheNorris | 0

#3052400 - Saturday 6 August 2011 19:15

#27...Good One.

By kmumma | 3

#3049085 - Saturday 6 August 2011 5:05

So that's what they're calling it nowadays

By glitterme | 5

#3049126 - Saturday 6 August 2011 5:08

well yo did did contribute to the vilonce

Reply

Ghostkiller12345 | 9

#3049754 - Saturday 6 August 2011 6:40

Omg! What is up with everyone today? Can't type correctly ?! I ain't a grammar nazi but wow Vilonce wtf is that a failed violin? Damn you could atleast learn how to type...

Reply

Cereal_Is_Good | 5

#3049949 - Saturday 6 August 2011 7:11

You're one to talk. Dumbass.

By SageAnonymous | 6

#3049159 - Saturday 6 August 2011 5:10

Don't lie. You were the one shouting 'fight, fight' as they hobbled to one another.

Reply

SageAnonymous | 6

#3049438 - Saturday 6 August 2011 5:40

Or being the bet holder

Reply

jren207 | 24

#3051491 - Saturday 6 August 2011 15:46

Or handing him boxing gloves.