Work: Today, I was working at the hospital front desk when an elderly... - FML

By Anonymous - Canada

Today, I was working at the hospital front desk when an elderly man started hurling racial slurs at another visitor. A fight broke out, so I stepped in and forcibly separated the two. The old man tripped and crashed to the floor. Now I'm under investigation for "contributing to workplace violence." FML

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Good kid

Mask confusion

Unreasonable demands

By BrilsmurfO_O - Netherlands

Today, I was at IKEA with my parents. I walked away from them and later I heard the speaker of the store call my name asking me to come to the playground because my mom and dad were worried. I'm 18. FML

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By Jennifer Sara Harms

Today, I made a 6-hour trip just to go to the wrong art festival. I have to go back and make the same trip again tomorrow. FML

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By Raaaaage - United States - Torrance

Today, my sister and I had a huge fight because I flushed the toilet while she was taking a bath. The faucet for the bath was not running, but she insisted that she felt the water in the tub turn "scalding hot." She won't listen when I try to explain to her that it doesn't work like that. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, my husband and I were getting busy on the living room couch when my mother-in-law stopped by and let herself in with a key we didn’t know she had. She then demanded an apology like it was all our fault and stormed out. I still don’t know why she came by. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my serious boyfriend was talking about how he wants to get engaged and married. I was really happy until he said he's excited mainly for the tax benefits. FML

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By whattalife - United States

Today, out of sheer boredom, I took a career personality test. The "best match" for me was the position of funeral director. Not only do I have a promising future with death, I got genuinely excited at how accurate the result was. FML

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By Live Sweet

Today, I finally hooked up with the guy that I have been in love with forever. If there is such a thing as soul mates, this guy is it. He's my best friend in the whole world. It was the worst sex I have ever had. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, I volunteered to help out at an elementary school. I accidentally elbowed a little girl in the face while playing tag. And an hour later, a little boy flew out of his swing because I accidentally pushed him too hard. They're both siblings and are my child psychology instructor's kids. FML

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By Reek - United States

Today, I told my friend I'm going vegetarian. He's now calling me "Reek" after the guy from Game of Thrones, because I'm apparently a "dickless loser" now. FML

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By Sharon - United Kingdom - Heckmondwike

Today, my own dog bit me quite severely when I was in the middle of teaching a dog obedience class. Everyone had a good laugh at me and in the past few hours 4 of them have contacted me to let me know they won't be attending future lessons and that they'd like to get their money back. FML

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By Anonymous - Finland - Vammala

Today, my girlfriend called me and said she needs to take a break from our relationship. Why? Her really clingy ex is really depressed about her dating someone else and he isn't ready to accept it. So she wants to take a break "for his sake" until he's over her. FML

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By Lizziebelle - United States - Seattle

Today, my horse learned a new acrobatic trick. Unfortunately, I was still on top of him when he tried to somersault. The horse is fine. I'm in the hospital, fresh out of surgery for a broken femur. FML

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By deliveryboy - China

Today, I was told that I was an idiot by a little girl because I didn't deliver a pizza to her house fast enough. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Drunken antics

Today, after a 4 or 5 month-long dry spell, I woke up next to an amazing and beautiful woman. Neither of us were wearing pants. She looked me in the eyes and said, "Did I piss the bed?" FML

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By Jim

Today, during PE I got hit in the face with the ball. Everyone cheered because we got 5 extra points. No one asked if I was okay. FML

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom

Today, I was pissed that I got a £60 parking ticket so rang my friend to rant about it. I then got pulled over by the cops for using my phone, and was fined £120. FML

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By anonymous - United States

Today, my cute coworker begged me to cover his shift tomorrow, and told me that he wanted to take me to dinner to make up for it. I was very excited because I've been crushing on him for a long time. I later overheard him tell his friend that he didn't plan on showing up for our dinner. FML

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By bbb - United States - Hillsborough

Close but no cigar

Today, after having tried for months to get a promotion at work, I finally had an interview for a higher position. Everything went great, and I was told I would get a call next week for my second interview. I went back to my desk, only to get an email stating they're canceling the position. FML

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By Gioia - Bulgaria - Vidin

Today, I was so nervous about a first date that trying to break a silence in the beginning, I asked, "So, you afraid of any insects?" No wonder I didn't get a second date. FML

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By elliebellie - 21/3/2021 00:28 - Australia

It'll be a Vlog next

Today, my husband forgot to log out of his laptop. Out of curiosity, I checked what was on the screen. It turns out he has his own blog where he shares all the intimate details about our sex life. FML

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By clostar - United States - San Francisco

Today, I had sex with a guy I met at a party and passed out in his bed. When I woke up at 3 am, he sat up and said, "You're still here?" FML

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By Joe - Australia

Thanks, gran…

Today, I went with my beautiful fiancée to tell her grandmother, who's a bit senile, that we were engaged. Her response: "I know he's very nice, but think about the chubby little ugly children he'll give you". This was followed by a recollection of her ex-boyfriends who would've fathered attractive kids. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Seattle

Today, I called a tree removal company to have my diseased elm removed. When I got home from work, I was surprised to find it still there. Not as surprised as my neighbor was to discover that his tree was missing, nor as surprised as his children when they saw there was no more tree-house. FML

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By fml - United States

Today, I got fired from my job. I worked for my parents. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I went to my girlfriend's Catholic all girls high school to ask her to prom by decorating her car. As soon as I walked on campus the school went into lock down because of a "suspicious male intruder." When I saw my girlfriend, she denied knowing me. I was arrested. FML

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By Anonymous - Canada

Today, I finished a big painting for art class. It's also the day my little brother decided it didn't have enough puke on it. FML

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By FenRackety - Canada

Today, at work, I was trying to get the octopus out of its tank to transfer it to another one. It instantly latched to my face and sprayed ink all over me. My boss told me to stop playing with the animals. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, I found our that my crazy ex, who, after our break up, said to me, "I'm setting my life to make yours hell" has befriended my current girlfriend. FML

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By JellicleCat - United Kingdom - London

Today, I met the man of my dreams. Insane click. He’s just as in love with me. He’s also got a condition I research in my job. It’s literally unethical for us to date. FML

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By weddingsalwayssuck - United States - Fayetteville

Today, I found out my best friend has been stealing hundreds of dollars from me and my fiancé. My wedding is tomorrow morning. Guess who my best man is. FML

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By Anonymous

Dad jokes, part 43884

Today, I met my girlfriend's dad, who it turns out is such an anime nerd he decided to overplay the "idiot overprotective dad" character all afternoon, including making the dramatic faces, playing theme music from his phone, and at one point threatening my genitals with an oversized foam battle axe. FML

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By Miserable - United States

Today, I did laundry in my apartment complex's laundry room. I put my stuff in the dryer and returned to my room. The sign on the door says the laundry room closes at 10 pm, but that's rarely true. Tonight it was. I have to wait until 8 am. I work at 7:30. My work clothes are in there. FML

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By TodX - France

Today, I used my Christmas holiday time to open up a load of old letters. There were a lot of bills, of course, but there was also a note telling me that I'm due for a tax inspection. Merry F*ing Christmas! FML

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By Keesha - 18/3/2021 19:30 - United States - Loveland

Kinky

Today, my mother bitched at me for spending $200 on a new clothes I needed for my new job as a bank teller. I then received a notification on my phone that my mother's lingerie order was shipped. She spent $800 on teddies and crotchless panties. FML

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By hairybetty - United States

Today, I shaved my legs and armpits for the first time in 6 weeks. Unfortunately, I didn't have a hot date, I just had my yearly gyno exam. FML

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By qwerty - United States

Today, I walked outside to get the newspaper and slipped on the icy driveway. Because I was wearing boxers and a robe, my legs got all scraped up. After much cursing, I got the paper and went inside. The headline read "Caution: Icy Conditions". FML

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By avoid the sour cream - United States

Today, I'm sharing a hotel room with co-workers on a business trip. The walls are paper-thin, you could hear a pin drop, and I'm trying to make my explosive diarrhea as close to silent as possible. FML

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By Anonymous - Australia

Today, whilst I was in a corner deli getting snacks, my girlfriend thought it would be funny to drive the car 50m down the street so that I would be confused when I come out... She was picked up by a cop driving without her license and now my car is impounded for 28 days. FML

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By Squid - Canada - Parksville

Today, my older boyfriend and I went shopping together. When we arrived at the till, the cashier looked at me and asked, "Is this your pop?" I replied "No, this is my boyfriend, but we get that a lot." She paused, pointed at the case of Coke in the cart and said again, "Is this your pop?" FML

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By Mike - 27/5/2021 22:01

Alexa, play "Isolation" by Joy Division

Today, my dreams are populated mostly by grocery store employees, people from NextDoor, my cat, and people I haven’t seen in 30 years. FML

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Top comments

By SageAnonymous | 6

#3049159 - Saturday 6 August 2011 5:10

Don't lie. You were the one shouting 'fight, fight' as they hobbled to one another.

By ChucktheNorris | 0

#3049073 - Saturday 6 August 2011 5:04

He got what he deserved. :) no more racist man

COMMENTS

By livlafluv100 | 2

#3048949 - Saturday 6 August 2011 4:55

ah well, at least u tried, right? but that sucks.

Reply

Cereal_Is_Good | 5

#3048977 - Saturday 6 August 2011 4:57

You shouldn't have pushed the old man down, you heartless liar.

Reply

iloveeyouuxD | 9

#3049033 - Saturday 6 August 2011 5:00

It's the thought that counts.

Reply

2ndSucks | 15

#3049125 - Saturday 6 August 2011 5:08

No good deed goes unpunished.

Reply

heyguysitsjosh | 8

#3050450 - Saturday 6 August 2011 9:07

1- wrong OP- best not to get involved, sit back and enjoy the show.

Reply

CarsAndMoney | 5

#3050832 - Saturday 6 August 2011 11:10

12- lol thats so true

By aFatFuck | 0

#3048961 - Saturday 6 August 2011 4:57

the things that happen when you step outside the kitchen

By mandy248 | 0

#3048969 - Saturday 6 August 2011 4:57

Shouldve let it keep going. Don't u wanna know who wouldve won?

Reply

iEatGuppies | 0

#3049695 - Saturday 6 August 2011 6:31

yeah forget not getting fired and keeping your job, it only matters who won!

no.

By forkbrother13 | 0

#3048971 - Saturday 6 August 2011 4:57

sounds like it was a dangeris situashun!

Reply

RavenLovesGir | 0

#3049462 - Saturday 6 August 2011 5:42

Your picture scares the shit out of me...

Reply

dreamering | 16

#3049632 - Saturday 6 August 2011 6:21

4 must have fingers in the same shape like those teeth in his profile picture.

Reply

Ghostkiller12345 | 9

#3049733 - Saturday 6 August 2011 6:37

4- I bet you failed your english classes

Reply

marmlr339 | 14

#3062044 - Monday 8 August 2011 7:28

I'm no grammar nazi, but for fucks sake, learn to spell!

By bobbybill0519 | 7

#3049031 - Saturday 6 August 2011 5:00

First finally!!!

Reply

iloveeyouuxD | 9

#3049081 - Saturday 6 August 2011 5:04

Maybe your just 5 minutes late so fail

By ashleynicole0209 | 0

#3049054 - Saturday 6 August 2011 5:03

Damn that sucks!

Reply

Babalu722 | 3

#3051532 - Saturday 6 August 2011 15:56

thats why when old people fight, i just watch

By ChucktheNorris | 0

#3049073 - Saturday 6 August 2011 5:04

He got what he deserved. :) no more racist man

Reply

PrickHead | 0

#3049146 - Saturday 6 August 2011 5:09

chuck norrois doesnt crash to the floor, the floor crashes in to chuck norris...

Reply

ChucktheNorris | 0

#3052400 - Saturday 6 August 2011 19:15

#27...Good One.

By kmumma | 3

#3049085 - Saturday 6 August 2011 5:05

So that's what they're calling it nowadays

By glitterme | 5

#3049126 - Saturday 6 August 2011 5:08

well yo did did contribute to the vilonce

Reply

Ghostkiller12345 | 9

#3049754 - Saturday 6 August 2011 6:40

Omg! What is up with everyone today? Can't type correctly ?! I ain't a grammar nazi but wow Vilonce wtf is that a failed violin? Damn you could atleast learn how to type...

Reply

Cereal_Is_Good | 5

#3049949 - Saturday 6 August 2011 7:11

You're one to talk. Dumbass.

By SageAnonymous | 6

#3049159 - Saturday 6 August 2011 5:10

Don't lie. You were the one shouting 'fight, fight' as they hobbled to one another.

Reply

SageAnonymous | 6

#3049438 - Saturday 6 August 2011 5:40

Or being the bet holder

Reply

jren207 | 24

#3051491 - Saturday 6 August 2011 15:46

Or handing him boxing gloves.