Today, I was working at the hospital front desk when an elderly... - FML

By Anonymous - 5/8/2011 23:51 - Canada

Today, I was working at the hospital front desk when an elderly man started hurling racial slurs at another visitor. A fight broke out, so I stepped in and forcibly separated the two. The old man tripped and crashed to the floor. Now I'm under investigation for "contributing to workplace violence." FML

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Age ain't nothing but a number

Drinking is bad for you, most of the time

Whatthefuckaburger

By CARAPPY LUCK - 27/9/2017 16:04

Today, the transmission on my brand new car went out. I bought it last month when the transmission on my old car went out. FML

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By SquirrellyGirl - 15/7/2019 22:00

Today, my brother asked if I could babysit his kids tomorrow. I declined, as tomorrow is my birthday and I have plans. This isn't the first time he's forgotten my birthday, and I doubt it'll be the last. FML

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By BadStuden - 5/10/2009 01:47 - Canada

Today, I did a 3 hour long assignment for school. I was bored so I gave it the title "F***ing Assignment for a F***ing Teacher." I went downstairs only to discover that the printer was out of ink. So I sent it to her email, then I realized that I didn't change the title. FML

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By Anonymous - 29/10/2012 05:46 - United States

Today, I broke up with my girlfriend, saying I had a lot on my plate. She responded by throwing an empty plate at my windshield. FML

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By saxophone911 - 13/4/2013 15:52 - United States

Today, at school, I saw the guy I like at his locker. I decided to run up from behind and surprise him. I ended up accidentally slamming his locker on his fingers. FML

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By OuchImAMoron - 29/11/2013 02:05 - United States - Old Bridge

Today, I was cleaning a pocketknife when I noticed a spider on my leg. My first reaction was to stab it. FML

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By crunch time - 1/1/2018 19:30 - United States - Jacksonville

Nice.

Today, while working out at the gym, I paused to check out a beautiful woman. The guy behind me said "Are you going to do your set or are you going to keep staring at my wife?" FML

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By ohno - 17/3/2015 20:35 - United States - Spring Lake

Today, for the second time, I had an argument with my mother about whether William Shakespeare was a real person or not. FML

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By Jessie - 25/12/2010 13:38 - United States

Today, my boyfriend and I were in our room getting hot and heavy. As he was entering me, he started making electronic whirring sounds. Once inside, he said in a robotic voice, "Initiating launch sequence in 3... 2... 1..." and began thrusting as fast as possible. FML

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By emily - 23/6/2019 06:45

Today, I learned in my child development class that lying in toddlers is a sign of intelligence. I clearly remember that I didn’t even understand the concept of lying until I was 6 years-old. FML

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By Anonymous - 22/3/2017 17:00 - United States - Troy

Today, I saw some pretty heinous graffiti on the urinal stall at school, so I opted to scribble it out. A supervisor came in the second the pen touched the stall. Now I have detention and have to scrub the entire stall clean as a "lesson". FML

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By sis - 19/2/2018 16:30 - United States - Hesperia

Today, I went shopping with my sister’s husband to help him choose a birthday gift for her. My sister’s insane friend saw us, followed us, and caused a huge screaming scene in the middle of the mall accusing us of having an affair. FML

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By anxious spaghetti - 3/12/2017 15:00

Today, I got dumped by my boyfriend over text. We wore each others' hats, so I gave his back and asked for mine. He “accidentally” burned it. FML

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By Anonymous - 4/7/2012 13:48 - Canada - Bolton

Today, I went for a jog. I was 5 km away from home when I had a sudden urge to poop. I didn't want to use the bushes, so I thought I could hold it in. I was wrong. FML

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By Anonymous - 24/9/2011 04:40 - United States

Today, I received a serious concussion and several stitches to the back of my head. The attacker? My mom. FML

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By Anonymous - 4/3/2017 00:00

Today, my biology teacher asked the class a question, so I raised my hand and after I gave my answer, my teacher said, "You know, you have a voice for radio. It's very deep." I replied with "Do I? Thanks!" He added, "You also have the face for radio." The whole class laughed. FML

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By gotta love my momma - 28/8/2014 05:08 - United States - Folsom

Today, I got married. My booze-hound mother made a toast, and told a story about how she once walked in on us having sex. My husband's family is very religious, and we told them we weren't having sex until marriage. Thanks mom. FML

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By Anonymous - 3/4/2009 02:33 - United States

Today, I saw a lesbian couple walking through the mall. One of the ladies walked up to me in the middle of the busy mall and started screaming at me about how rude it is to stare, and how we are all equal- straight or not. I was only staring because I'm a lesbian too, and they were hot. FML

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By anon - 29/8/2012 04:52 - United States - York

Today, I was giving a tour of my boat to a man who seemed interested in purchasing it. Everything was going great. That is, until, the motor stopped running in the middle of the ocean. FML

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By SoupCanoe - 29/8/2011 08:33 - United Kingdom

Today, my mum gave me half-raw chicken for dinner. After she refused to cook it again, I threw it away saying that I didn't want to get salmonella. She told to be more grateful, and that I was an idiot for trying to use salmonella as an excuse because 'it's chicken, not salmon'. FML

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By jsalmons - 2/6/2011 17:39 - Germany

Today, I flew home to Germany to see my wife before I'm deployed, only to find her in bed with another guy. She explained that she wants us to stay together, but she can't take a year without being intimate with someone. FML

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By getslostinherownhouse - 14/4/2009 19:12 - Spain

Today, I was walking down the street and I saw my brother on the other side of the road. He lives overseas and always told me he would visit when I least expected it. When I saw him, I got so excited I jumped on his back, screaming his name. It wasn't my brother. FML

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By Kiki - 8/3/2013 21:22 - Poland - Myslenice

Today, my boyfriend came over and dropped off my phone, which I'd left at his place the night before. He immediately left in a sulk. As I looked through my texts, I discovered he was only so moody because I hadn't answered any of his calls or messages. I'm dating an idiot. FML

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By kitty - 9/9/2019 02:02 - United Kingdom - Exeter

He Mad

Today, my grandpa yelled at me, telling me to stop being ugly and rude. I only asked if he could cut the watermelon. FML

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By anonymous - 23/1/2012 15:59 - United States

Today, my girlfriend told me we've just been fuck buddies for the entire year we've been "together." This wouldn't be so bad if I wasn't working up the courage to propose to her on our anniversary. FML

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By Anonymous - 4/11/2013 11:39

Today, I was telling my friends a story. I added a few "embellishments" to make it more intense. One my friends piped up with, "I was with you, half of what you just said wasn't true". It's now all over Facebook and I'm known as "The Bullshitter". FML

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By Anonymous - 29/11/2013 05:53 - United States

Today, my neighbor brought a ruined napkin holder over and claimed that we drilled a hole through his wall and ruined it. I apologized, not telling him that it was actually a bullet that my boyfriend shot through the wall. FML

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By newbffswelcome - 4/8/2013 18:07 - Vietnam - Hanoi

Today, I've been getting calls for over a week on my home phone, cell phone, and the work phone at my night shift, in which someone whispers terrifying Satanic-sounding chants at me. I've now found out that the caller is my best "friend". His explanation: "You seemed lonely, man." FML

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By WellFineThen - 17/4/2017 05:00 - United States - Cedar Falls

Today, at work, a woman screamed at me and called me a bitch because I refused to refund something we give away for free. FML

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By Anonymous - 27/9/2011 02:26 - United States

Today, I found out that my boyfriend is getting back together with his crazy alcoholic ex-wife who frequently cheated on him. In addition to this news, I also found out that he maxed out all my credit cards. FML

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By oh god. - 14/5/2014 23:16 - Canada - Sherwood Park

Today, while at work, I asked an older customer how he was doing. He told me that he'd just lost his wife. I gave my condolences before he clarified that his wife was not dead, but was lost in Walmart. FML

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By Mils - 26/11/2019 03:00 - Australia - Blackburn

Maternal monitoring

Today, I learned the hard way that my parents leave the baby monitor in my room when my boyfriend stays over. FML

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By Rachael - 30/11/2012 07:29 - Australia

Today, I was woken up by my elderly neighbor banging on my door at 2am. She needed "urgent" assistance as she had forgotten how to turn her TV off. I'd just fallen asleep. FML

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By Firepussy911 - 14/6/2018 06:22

Today, my husband decided to literally spice things up. He put a "small amount" of hot-sauce in our lubricant without telling me. He thought 1,000,000 Scoville units would make me cum. The only one who came was the paramedic. FML

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By Anonymous - 4/10/2009 13:40 - United Kingdom

Today, I found a letter in the postbox at my new flat which ran something along these lines of: "Hi. We're the gas company. You owe us £1,229.79 and have 7 days to pay us. Lotsa love, dated 7th September." FML

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By Beth - 28/4/2013 13:16 - United States - Raleigh

Today, my parents decided to wake me up on my birthday. They flashed the lights and yanked off my bed sheets. I sleep naked. FML

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By trick or not treat - 31/10/2009 22:26 - France

Today, I bought fifteen bags of candy for the trick-or-treaters. I sat outside with a bowl of candy the whole night. Only one person came. FML

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By MrsFart - 18/8/2018 01:30

RIP

Today, I thought I was all alone in the class, so I lifted up my leg and ripped a huge fart. One of my students was still in there. He told everybody. FML

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By wellthatsucks - 5/7/2015 19:18 - United States

Today, my boyfriend of 6 months was showing me his new phone. He accidentally opened his gallery, which contains 3 photos: one of his motorcycle, one of his new game console, and a naked photo of his ex. FML

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By Anonymous - 18/6/2015 12:36 - United States - Tallahassee

Today, my ex-boyfriend dumped sand into the crankcase of my truck and then filled it to the top with water after I dumped him for being immature and not respecting my things. FML

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Top comments

By SageAnonymous | 6

#3049159 - Saturday 6 August 2011 5:10

Don't lie. You were the one shouting 'fight, fight' as they hobbled to one another.

By ChucktheNorris | 0

#3049073 - Saturday 6 August 2011 5:04

He got what he deserved. :) no more racist man

Comments

By livlafluv100 | 2

#3048949 - Saturday 6 August 2011 4:55

ah well, at least u tried, right? but that sucks.

Reply

Cereal_Is_Good | 5

#3048977 - Saturday 6 August 2011 4:57

You shouldn't have pushed the old man down, you heartless liar.

Reply

iloveeyouuxD | 9

#3049033 - Saturday 6 August 2011 5:00

It's the thought that counts.

Reply

2ndSucks | 15

#3049125 - Saturday 6 August 2011 5:08

No good deed goes unpunished.

Reply

heyguysitsjosh | 8

#3050450 - Saturday 6 August 2011 9:07

1- wrong OP- best not to get involved, sit back and enjoy the show.

Reply

CarsAndMoney | 5

#3050832 - Saturday 6 August 2011 11:10

12- lol thats so true

By aFatFuck | 0

#3048961 - Saturday 6 August 2011 4:57

the things that happen when you step outside the kitchen

By mandy248 | 0

#3048969 - Saturday 6 August 2011 4:57

Shouldve let it keep going. Don't u wanna know who wouldve won?

Reply

iEatGuppies | 0

#3049695 - Saturday 6 August 2011 6:31

yeah forget not getting fired and keeping your job, it only matters who won!

no.

By forkbrother13 | 0

#3048971 - Saturday 6 August 2011 4:57

sounds like it was a dangeris situashun!

Reply

RavenLovesGir | 0

#3049462 - Saturday 6 August 2011 5:42

Your picture scares the shit out of me...

Reply

dreamering | 16

#3049632 - Saturday 6 August 2011 6:21

4 must have fingers in the same shape like those teeth in his profile picture.

Reply

Ghostkiller12345 | 9

#3049733 - Saturday 6 August 2011 6:37

4- I bet you failed your english classes

Reply

marmlr339 | 14

#3062044 - Monday 8 August 2011 7:28

I'm no grammar nazi, but for fucks sake, learn to spell!

By bobbybill0519 | 7

#3049031 - Saturday 6 August 2011 5:00

First finally!!!

Reply

iloveeyouuxD | 9

#3049081 - Saturday 6 August 2011 5:04

Maybe your just 5 minutes late so fail

By ashleynicole0209 | 0

#3049054 - Saturday 6 August 2011 5:03

Damn that sucks!

Reply

Babalu722 | 3

#3051532 - Saturday 6 August 2011 15:56

thats why when old people fight, i just watch

By ChucktheNorris | 0

#3049073 - Saturday 6 August 2011 5:04

He got what he deserved. :) no more racist man

Reply

PrickHead | 0

#3049146 - Saturday 6 August 2011 5:09

chuck norrois doesnt crash to the floor, the floor crashes in to chuck norris...

Reply

ChucktheNorris | 0

#3052400 - Saturday 6 August 2011 19:15

#27...Good One.

By kmumma | 3

#3049085 - Saturday 6 August 2011 5:05

So that's what they're calling it nowadays

By glitterme | 5

#3049126 - Saturday 6 August 2011 5:08

well yo did did contribute to the vilonce

Reply

Ghostkiller12345 | 9

#3049754 - Saturday 6 August 2011 6:40

Omg! What is up with everyone today? Can't type correctly ?! I ain't a grammar nazi but wow Vilonce wtf is that a failed violin? Damn you could atleast learn how to type...

Reply

Cereal_Is_Good | 5

#3049949 - Saturday 6 August 2011 7:11

You're one to talk. Dumbass.

By SageAnonymous | 6

#3049159 - Saturday 6 August 2011 5:10

Don't lie. You were the one shouting 'fight, fight' as they hobbled to one another.

Reply

SageAnonymous | 6

#3049438 - Saturday 6 August 2011 5:40

Or being the bet holder

Reply

jren207 | 24

#3051491 - Saturday 6 August 2011 15:46

Or handing him boxing gloves.