Today, it was a really slow day at work. One thing lead to another,... - FML

By shonfyr - 11/3/2014 21:35 - Spain

Today, it was a really slow day at work. One thing lead to another, and soon enough we were all taking turns shoving each other across the office on a swivel chair. Our boss came in during my turn, and I got singled out for a verbal warning. Everyone else got off with a disapproving glare. FML

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Abuse

Don't you know that you're toxic?

Car Wars

By crushed - 23/5/2020 02:00

What about me?

Today, my wife told me about an old boyfriend she had. She told me that they used to fool around, and that she’d give him blow jobs all the time. I never get any action like that from her. FML

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By Brummsta - 27/1/2010 07:41 - Australia

Today, I woke up with a cordless drill on my bed. The one I lent my neighbour last week. FML

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By crb25453 - 15/10/2015 05:07 - United States - Stafford

Today, I drove to my college campus for my 8 a.m. class, parked, walked the mile and a half to my classroom, just to find out class had been cancelled. The prof didn't send an email because she couldn't remember her password. I paid $1200 to be taught by this woman, who has a doctorate. FML

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By yupimher - 12/10/2019 22:00

The long goodbye

Today, I found out my job is trying to get me to quit. FML

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By mohit - 7/11/2017 15:00

Today, I found out that my neighbor's son is supposed to be giving me gas money for driving him to school each morning. He's using it to buy drugs instead. FML

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By LoveTheElder - 11/5/2016 01:38 - United States - San Clemente

Today, the elderly lady I work for got mad at me, all because I wouldn't feed her imaginary friend. FML

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By wetboy - 5/7/2009 10:07 - United Kingdom

Today, I found out why my girlfriend of 8 months has never agreed to stay the night before. Now I have a 4-month old mattress that needs replacing, and a 23-year-old bedwetter for a girlfriend. FML

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By Anonymous - 21/9/2019 02:00

Brutal

Today, my girlfriend told me that she prefers to be on top because I appear skinnier than I actually am. FML

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By ktorih137 - 14/5/2013 11:32 - Canada - Halifax

Today, I was dancing in the passenger seat of my car with my family when a cop pulled us over. He thought I was trying to flag him down for help. I guess I'm not as good of a dancer as I thought. FML

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By BRELLA - 3/2/2009 19:58 - United States

The wrong kind of banging

Today, I finally got the chance to sleep with a girl from home who I'd wanted for a long time. She has low blood pressure problems though, and when things got hot, she passed out while she was on top of me, fell and hit her head on the night stand. FML

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By This Is My Life - 1/7/2017 02:00

Jesus Christ!

Today, water turned to wine. That is, my brother put wine in my hamster's water bottle. Very bad idea. FML

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By confsused - 16/12/2013 17:49 - Canada - Toronto

Today, I found out that my dad is actually my uncle, and vice-versa. FML

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By Anonymous - 23/9/2012 11:11 - Australia - Brisbane

Today, my sister stopped by to visit me with her pet bird in tow. She asked me to hold the animal while she went to the toilet, and put it on my shoulder. It promptly shat on my only clean shirt and tore away a good deal of skin from my hand when I tried to get it off me. FML

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By frankkathy - 26/7/2011 17:07 - United States

Today, I saved a honey bee from drowning in our pool. It promptly stung me and died. FML

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By avocadopurse - 9/7/2018 19:00

Today, I told my grandmother I was planning a trip to take my newborn son to meet his great-great-grandfather before it was too late. She had a guilty expression on her face. My great-grandfather died 4 months ago and my family forgot to tell me. FML

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By Anonymous - 23/4/2013 16:06 - United States

Today, I removed the side rails from my truck because I didn't think I really needed them. An hour later, I went to Wal-Mart, forgot they were gone, and busted my ass in public while getting out of my truck. FML

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By weneedthatmoneytoliveon - 26/6/2013 14:08 - Australia - Melbourne

Today, I overheard my mother Skyping with her new "boyfriend" about the $1,000 she just sent him. She barely knew what internet dating was three weeks ago. FML

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By Anonymous - 19/2/2013 06:19 - United States - New Castle

Today, I was hanging out with the guy I really like. I lifted my arms to put my hair in a ponytail when he noticed a hole that had apparently tore in the armpit of my shirt, so he put his finger through it. I haven't shaved in weeks. FML

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By Singleforever - 8/8/2016 12:40 - United States - West Hartford

Today, I finally matched with someone on Tinder after using it for a month. I sent a message and they unmatched. FML

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By seanjohn268 - 29/11/2011 17:21 - Canada

Today, I discovered that you should always unplug the electric mixer before licking the beaters. FML

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By Anonymous - 28/11/2015 05:25 - United States

Today, I went on my first date in six years. The guy was unbelievably creepy, and I couldn't wait for it to be over. Right after we finished eating, he told me he loved me, then tried to lean in for a kiss. He looked like he was going to cry when I turned him down. FML

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By Clumsy - 18/4/2019 18:00

Today, for the second time in a row, I slammed into the edge of the doorway while half asleep. My entire body hurts. FML

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By sydstreet - 9/4/2012 05:31 - United States - Arlington

Today, my anxiety was so bad that when I was riding my bike on the side walk and two pedestrians came walking in the opposite direction, I got so nervous about having to go between them or accidentally hitting them that I fell off my bike, into a bush. FML

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By wifelyduties - 17/4/2020 14:00

Do ya think I'm sexy?

Today, my husband called me to our bedroom, saying he needed help with something. I found him sitting on the bed with his pants down, so I smiled and asked if he was angling for sex, which was fine with me. Nope. He needed me to pop a pimple under his ballsack. FML

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By Sunny - 12/9/2018 07:30 - United States - Milwaukee

Awkward...

Today, I went to this coffee shop in town that has a fire pit outdoors with my boyfriend. I threw out the idea of sitting by the fire together, and he responded by telling me that his father and dog died in a house fire when he was young. FML

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By reb - 19/4/2014 17:25 - United Kingdom - Northolt

Today, my crazily elitist parents were so desperate to get me to dump my fiancé that they threatened to divorce if I didn't. When I told them to go ahead, they bitched me out for being disrespectful. FML

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By Anonymous - 20/2/2015 21:26 - United States - Moorpark

Today, some popped-collar wearing shitbird tried to pick me up with the line, "You look like Marilyn Monroe's corpse! Wanna fuck?" FML

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By HDcashier - 24/4/2020 17:00

Graded

Today, while cashiering, I rang out a father and his son who looked about eight years-old. The dad jokingly told his son that I was a 10/10 in looks. The son then looked at me for a few seconds and said, "No, probably more like a seven". Thanks a lot. FML

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By Jillian Drute - 16/8/2011 04:54 - United States

Today, my mom showed up completely hammered to a party I was throwing. The party was to celebrate the ten years that I've been sober. FML

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By Irobot - 15/3/2017 22:00

Today, working at a fast food restaurant, I was berated by a customer for a good two minutes. It's okay though because she ended with, "Sorry, I forget you all are real people." FML

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By Anonymous - 17/7/2013 16:02 - Canada - Mississauga

Today, trying to be funny in front of some friends, I held my cat above my head Lion King style. The height must have made him nervous, because he shat on my head. FML

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By Anonymous - 21/11/2013 20:37 - United Kingdom - Bristol

Today, I tried to have a fun night out. I met a guy and we went back to "his" place, which turned out to actually be his mother's house. He introduced me to her. Two hours later, I knew his life story and had to do the walk of shame without ever getting anywhere near his bedroom. FML

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By Anonymous - 17/3/2020 14:00 - United States - Charlottesville

Smash the patriarchy!

Today, I was wrestling with my boyfriend, trying to prove to him that I was stronger. I did. He started crying. He then broke up with me because he couldn't be in a relationship in which his girlfriend was stronger than him. FML

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By drug testing - 9/5/2013 22:22 - United States - Little Chute

Today, while answering an "anonymous" survey about how to keep my school drug free, I told them they should stop drug testing the kids that they know don't do drugs and test the sketchier ones. They in turn drug tested me. FML

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By Speechless - 18/3/2015 08:37 - United States - San Luis Obispo

Today, during an exam, the guy next to me tried to cheat by looking at my test but was caught by the proctor. His defense was that no one would ever cheat off me. The proctor agreed and allowed him to finish the test. FML

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By hallofail - 1/11/2012 00:40 - United States - Birmingham

Today, I dressed up like a pirate, dressed my dog as a parrot and bought $30 worth of candy to pass out to trick-or-treaters. I waited by the door for 3 hours. Not one kid came. FML

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By Dogless - 21/8/2011 05:51 - United States

Today, over a year on from my parents telling me my dog had died, I went to the shelter to volunteer, and saw my old dog. FML

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By B1N - 15/4/2019 14:00

Today, I took a shower and went to put clothes on after, only to find no clothes in my closet. My mom took them all and hid them. No idea why. No idea when I will get them back. FML

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By Toothless - 7/10/2009 05:43 - United States

Today, I was eating ice cream and struggling to chew a particularly hard chunk of chocolate. After finally breaking it into pieces, I spat it out because it tasted terrible. Then I discovered that I was missing my temporary crown. Now I have no upper molar. FML

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By momof2boys - 19/1/2010 09:59 - United States

Today, my two boys decided to draw in permanent marker on the leather seats of the car I have had up for sale for 3 weeks with no interest. I call my husband to tell him we're going to have to keep it. He just made an appointment with a guy who has cash and is ready to buy it tomorrow. FML

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Top comments

By Meraki | 19

#5882437 - Wednesday 12 March 2014 1:33

"One thing lead to another," ... I was expecting something sexual after that and facepalmed.

By iLike2Teabag | 27

#5882444 - Wednesday 12 March 2014 1:36

I was expecting an FML about hooking up with coworkers when I first read this...

COMMENTS

By Meraki | 19

#5882437 - Wednesday 12 March 2014 1:33

"One thing lead to another," ... I was expecting something sexual after that and facepalmed.

Reply

mwhpug | 4

#5882447 - Wednesday 12 March 2014 1:37

Well it is a good start for a porno...

Reply

JMichael | 25

#5882482 - Wednesday 12 March 2014 2:13

I think anyone who reads that line automatically thinks it's something sexual. Anyway sorry you got the warning OP.

Reply

MrsPlague | 11

#5882483 - Wednesday 12 March 2014 2:13

Same here. I thought there was going to be some office orgy or something, lol.

Reply

wGx14 | 12

#5882546 - Wednesday 12 March 2014 3:24

Am I the only one who doesn't have enough experience with kinky sexual activity to think this when I read the FML..?

Reply

ChevyRedneck85 | 13

#5882561 - Wednesday 12 March 2014 3:40

^ Go away

Reply

KSer4lifeee | 8

#5882687 - Wednesday 12 March 2014 6:30

30 apparently yes

Reply

SmokinGuns | 13

#5883587 - Thursday 13 March 2014 6:21

No, you're not. I simply read it all before I jumped to conclusions.

By Welshite | 39

#5882440 - Wednesday 12 March 2014 1:34

He should have dressed in skimpy clothes and thrown a handkerchief for chair racing.

Reply

hugozac88 | 22

#5882600 - Wednesday 12 March 2014 4:28

Ha my boss gets my bike and starts to ride around the office

By iLike2Teabag | 27

#5882444 - Wednesday 12 March 2014 1:36

I was expecting an FML about hooking up with coworkers when I first read this...

Reply

zandalee | 19

#5882795 - Wednesday 12 March 2014 9:58

Me too. How disapointing... ;)

By musicforhearts | 15

#5882446 - Wednesday 12 March 2014 1:36

It sucks that you got singled out but you really shouldn't have been doing that at work, even if it was a slow day.

By XxXBadAshXxX | 27

#5882448 - Wednesday 12 March 2014 1:37

Facepalm for my dirty mind when the phrase "one thing led to another" arose.

Reply

arandomusernameaa | 20

#5882765 - Wednesday 12 March 2014 8:21

We know you have a dirty mind, because 1/2 your username is X's...

Reply

Coeliacchic93 | 21

#5883309 - Wednesday 12 March 2014 22:51

and you have the word 'bad' in your username

By nix1993 | 41

#5882449 - Wednesday 12 March 2014 1:37

I see, because you obviously shoved yourself across the room. I do so love it when you hear these stories about nice bosses who treat everyone fairly. Really makes you look forward to going to work everyday.

By Steve95401 | 49

#5882450 - Wednesday 12 March 2014 1:37

You're lucky that you got off with just a warning and still have a job.

By miller92308 | 7

#5882451 - Wednesday 12 March 2014 1:37

did you offer him a turn?

By ced443_fml | 9

#5882452 - Wednesday 12 March 2014 1:37

The upside is that your job seams to be fun to some extent. The downside is that your just like me, the person unlucky enough to always get caught despite everyone else'a participation.

Reply

RenoTheRhino | 30

#5882481 - Wednesday 12 March 2014 2:09

*seems *you're *else's

Sorry, I had to.

Reply

TheAbstract | 14

#5882615 - Wednesday 12 March 2014 4:50

No, you didn't.

Reply

buttcramp | 21

#5882641 - Wednesday 12 March 2014 5:25

36, educating someone shouldn't be frowned upon. We should all strive to better ourselves no matter what.

Reply

ced443_fml | 9

#5882645 - Wednesday 12 March 2014 5:33

Sorry I hate my phone. I've had it for so long but I honestly can't type on it. Autocorrect is both a lifesaver and a killer for me.

By owencgray | 10

#5882453 - Wednesday 12 March 2014 1:38

WHAT WERE YOU IDIOTS THINKING!?!
you should have strapped a fire extinuisher to your back and used it to move around and have a demoloition derby with all your coworkers.
duh.

Reply

fsomelife | 26

#5882507 - Wednesday 12 March 2014 2:40

I never do this, but can I be your friend? I can even provide the fire extinguisher.

Reply

owencgray | 10

#5882548 - Wednesday 12 March 2014 3:26

I'll bring the desk chairs.

Reply

buttcramp | 21

#5882643 - Wednesday 12 March 2014 5:26

I love this thread. I like you two. Whatever you're doing, I want in.

Reply

fsomelife | 26

#5882777 - Wednesday 12 March 2014 9:09

Dude you already have a buttcramp, clearly your last attempt didn't end well.

Reply

ArielTheMermaid | 17

#5882967 - Wednesday 12 March 2014 14:54

I would love to do this

Reply

owencgray | 10

#5883276 - Wednesday 12 March 2014 22:22

Well he forgot to stretch before hand so a butt cramp is not unexpected.