Today, I realized that the air freshener in my bathroom and the... - FML

By thefriedman - 12/2/2013 04:59 - United States - Perris

Today, I realized that the air freshener in my bathroom and the air freshener in my girlfriend's bedroom are the exact same scent. Now, every time I go to the bathroom I get an erection, and every time my girlfriend and I have sex in her room, I think about shitting. FML

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Dangling modifier

Alexa, play "Hey! Student" by The Fall

Ghosted

By madfather - 23/2/2009 01:38 - United States

Today, I went to the store to buy some condoms for my girlfriend, Kim and I. I was in a rush and when I looked at the cashier realized it was her father. Nervous and hoping to reassure him, I go "don't worry, I'm not using these with Kim." That didn't help. FML

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By Anonymous - 28/5/2013 16:37 - Australia - Lane Cove

Today, I was walking down the stairs with my guitar in hand, singing "I Don't Wanna Miss a Thing" to my wife. I sang, "I don't wanna close my eyes, I don't wanna fall". Before I could say "asleep", I fell down the stairs. My wife almost pissed her pants laughing. My bum hurts. FML

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By LogicalMolly - 13/12/2011 05:16 - United States

Today, it's the last day of finals week. Unfortunately the only test I've passed this week is the pregnancy test I took during my lunch break in a Subway bathroom. FML

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By RightInTheFace - 12/9/2015 16:16 - United Kingdom - Cardiff

Today, I found out that my girlfriend sleepwalks. Well, I say sleepwalks, more like sleep punches. Very, very hard. FML

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By IvyLeague? - 15/1/2013 02:52 - United States - Buffalo

Today, I was babysitting, and a little girl asked for help with her homework. I cheerfully began an explanation, only to freeze mid-sentence. I could not for the life of me remember how to do long-division. I'm about to graduate from Cornell University, and her little brother had to correct me. FML

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By Never Again - 9/8/2016 18:17 - United States - Riverhead

Today, I went to collect my clothes out of the dryer. Thinking it would be fun for my small dog, I brought her with me. I put her down and let her sniff around while I put my clean clothes in a basket. I turned around from putting more clothes in the dyer to catch her peeing in my clean clothes. FML

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By Barstaff - 24/12/2009 11:20 - United Kingdom

Today, I found out that I have to work Christmas Day. There's no public transport running and taxis are triple fare. It'll cost me more getting to work than I'll actually earn during the shift. FML

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By Don’t Think About It. - 26/8/2019 16:00

Today, I smacked a big mosquito that had landed on my leg. My boyfriend then said to me, "I wonder if their mouth snaps off when you slap them, and now it’s stuck in your skin." Thanks. Thanks a lot. FML

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By Anonymous - 8/9/2010 02:20 - United States

Today, I had to do something that many young technologically-savvy people fear. I had to get on my dad's Facebook for him to delete a rather scandalous photo of his genitals he accidentally uploaded. FML

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By NeedsANewApartment - 13/1/2016 05:54 - United States - Wurtsboro

Today, sewage came up the toilet and tub in my apartment and spread far enough to get into the hallway. The maintenance crew found the source of the blocked pipes to be a ten inch long weave some idiot flushed down a toilet. FML

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By wnrz - 18/2/2012 20:26 - United States

Today, I walked in on my mom changing. She was trying on a thong my boyfriend bought me for Valentine's Day. It looks better on her. FML

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By lopsided - 6/9/2011 16:22 - United States

Today, I went to Victoria's Secret to buy a bra. A woman sized me and then gave me a bra to try on in the fitting room. To my pleasure, it seemed to fit well. The woman who had sized me came in to check on me and replied, "Yeah, it happens. Not everyone can be symmetrical." FML

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By FMlovelife - 28/6/2012 15:28 - United States

Today, I stumbled across my ex's blog. Apparently, while dating me, he realized he was gay. Good to know the one guy I've dated, lost my virginity to, and fell in love with, was never truly attracted to me and was dating me just to be sure. FML

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By Anonymous - 15/6/2015 02:40 - United States

Today, my grown up, unemployed boyfriend stole 70 dollars from my wallet and tried to hide it in two different places in case he needed to ditch me and go out by himself. He got angry when I confronted him and stormed out. He feels perfectly entitled. I work, pay rent and buy food. FML

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By ProsserBabe11 - 15/4/2012 02:21 - United States

Today, I had to explain to my brother why he can't go on dates with my new boyfriend and me. FML

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By hell! - 2/12/2008 08:27 - France

Today, I discovered that my 15 year old girl had hidden a disgusting porn film in the "future career" folder. FML

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By - 13/1/2020 18:00

Science teacher

Today, in science, we were studying reproduction. Our teacher was reading out the notes and claimed that 'the female's penis stiffens to enter the male's vagina.' I'm supposed to be learning stuff from this woman. FML

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By Anonymous - 21/8/2019 18:00

Today, I now have been dumped by 4 serious girlfriends in the last 5 years, each of them for the same reason: Being with me would have meant dealing with my mother who, without fail, asked each of them when we planned on marrying and having kids, every single week. FML

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By Anonymous - 22/12/2013 15:36 - United States

Today, I walked in on my daughter lighting candles around one of her friends, who'd fallen asleep while her other friends chanted something in a different language. They still won't tell me what they were doing. FML

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By ThisGirl - 21/8/2012 02:30 - United States - Kennesaw

Today, I lost two terabytes' worth of photos to a friend's incompetence. He said he could save me some money and fix my slow computer for free. He ended up wiping the hard drive, and along with it, my photography portfolio from the last five years. FML

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By ChestExploding - 20/11/2013 23:53 - United States - Greensboro

Today, I tripped and fell, damaging my sternum and making it incredibly painful to breathe in or out too much. About ten minutes later, I got the hiccups. FML

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By Anonymous - 10/10/2009 21:43 - United States

Today, I made the decision to quit smoking while I was driving in my car. So I took my pack, crushed it and threw it out the window. I felt triumphant about this change I was making in my life, until the cop I didn't know was behind me gave me a ticket for littering. FML

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By FAIL - 8/9/2009 05:29 - United States

Today, I went to the emergency room. Apparently, when your ex-girlfriend hits you in the nuts with a bat, it can do some damage. FML

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By wellgreat - 14/4/2009 05:11 - United States

Today, I was in the Student Union when a man a came up to me and asked if I wanted to be in a study to see how men acted differently when working with attractive women. Flattered and taken aback, I agreed. He then told me I would be part of the control group to see how they act around plain looking women. FML

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By bcf1234 - 15/10/2010 04:06 - United States

Today, I waited in line at Subway. There were two people in front of me. The first lady had seven sandwiches and the second lady had four. So after patiently waiting, I ordered my sandwich, only to have my credit card declined. FML

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By ... - 20/1/2019 02:00

Today, I yelled, "Fuck me, oh shit!" instinctively after accidentally spilling boiling hot coffee all over myself. My 3-year-old niece found this hilarious, and won't stop saying "Fuck my shit." Her parents are due to pick her up any moment. FML

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By Thatgirl - 14/4/2019 20:00

Today, my grandfather told me I could bring a date to my cousin’s wedding. I said I didn't have anyone to bring. He replied, “That's the saddest thing I've heard all day.” He’s 98. FML

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By ModernDayMaid - 25/3/2019 22:00

Today was just like any other normal day. Spent the day cleaning the house from top to bottom. I felt great until I went into just about every room I’d cleaned and saw that it was messed up again with zero attempts from my stepdaughter to clean it back up. I really hate preteens. FML

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By scarred4life - 27/4/2011 14:05 - Canada

Today, I was absentmindedly playing with a piece of lint. When I looked at it, I realized that I had been rolling and squeezing a dead spider in my fingers for about five minutes. FML

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By Anonymous - 12/8/2014 17:55 - United States - Newport

Today, I happily announced that I'm getting married. My dad immediately shot back, "And I'm getting E.D., who gives a damn?" Just when I thought he was joking, he muttered that "the bitch" will take everything in our divorce. Moment ruined. FML

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By Stressed - 24/9/2018 22:00

Today, I got promoted. By promoted, I mean, given a much harder job with no training and no extra pay because someone went on maternity leave. They've already hired someone for my old position. FML

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By ForeSight - 14/8/2019 16:00

Today, my girlfriend wanted to play a game call "bondage bingo," taking turns tying each other up in different positions, and if we can’t escape, we get to take a picture. Whoever gets the most pictures wins. After tying me to a chair, she ended up leaving me there for hours. FML

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By alone_forever - 4/3/2009 21:03 - United States

Today, my best friend who I have been secretly in love with forever, was ranting about her ex-girlfriend. Then she said : "If only you were gay, we'd be perfect for each other." So I took the chance to tell her I was. She responded : "Well I am still not attracted to you though." FML

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By fsfs - 17/8/2013 16:27 - Germany - Kiel

Today, I went downstairs a little after midnight to grab a snack, and in the dark hallway, I clearly saw a small child walk into the kitchen. I was freaked out, but I followed him in. There was nobody in the room. I'm now too scared to sleep, and am seriously considering moving house. FML

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By Peaches - 22/2/2017 12:00 - United States - Tucker

Today, I was informed that I was let go from my job for not showing up for a week. A week I'd scheduled off, that management had approved. FML

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By waterballoons - 27/7/2009 08:35 - United States

Today, it was a pretty nice day so I decided I would take a walk through the park to get to work instead of driving. Healthier and better for the planet, right? Wrong. Some little bratty kids were bored apparently and decided to hide behind trees and peg me with water balloons. FML

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By brinn - 16/9/2011 05:15 - United States

Today, I told my husband that I wanted him to stay sober during the week. He responded by saying he wanted me to be a supermodel during the week. FML

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By Tigerlily - 3/5/2017 22:00

Today, my cat thanked me for buying her a new litterbox by peeing in all of my plants. FML

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By Shit - 27/4/2014 17:25 - United States - San Francisco

Today, while meeting my girlfriend's parents for the first time, her dad made a big show of cleaning his rifle, before loading it, taking aim, and blowing the hell out of a hornet's nest at the back of the yard. I fear for my life. FML

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By Anonymous - 20/4/2017 18:00

Today, my Darwin Award-nominated cousin got himself admitted to the hospital because he substituted the hammer and screwdriver for a meat tenderizer and a knife when he couldn't find the toolbox. The one I clearly labeled "TOOLS" in giant letters to avoid this situation from happening again. FML

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Top comments

By SoSickWithIt | 14

#5364818 - Tuesday 12 February 2013 11:34

Shitting, coming, pissing. The best 3 feelings in life. Try having sex with her in your bathroom? :D

By buckdharma | 36

#5364836 - Tuesday 12 February 2013 11:52

Well, if you start jerking off in the shower, you won't be able to go out when it's raining.

COMMENTS

By SoSickWithIt | 14

#5364818 - Tuesday 12 February 2013 11:34

Shitting, coming, pissing. The best 3 feelings in life. Try having sex with her in your bathroom? :D

Reply

Cian_1 | 28

#5364856 - Tuesday 12 February 2013 12:14

That could end dangerously. He could triple himself! :P

Reply

iammeorami | 25

#5364892 - Tuesday 12 February 2013 13:02

op might be posting another FML soon......

Reply

klovemachine | 24

#5365113 - Tuesday 12 February 2013 17:20

I wonder how many FML's have been submitted while sitting on the throne :-O

Reply

asnakelovinbabe | 16

#5365165 - Tuesday 12 February 2013 17:57

Sounds like a blumpkin waiting to happen.

By xblair | 11

#5364819 - Tuesday 12 February 2013 11:35

Time to get a new air freshener!

Reply

oj101 | 33

#5364915 - Tuesday 12 February 2013 13:48

They should do away with them. Air freshers are chemical laden - better to get an air purifier and have an organic essential oil to sprinkle around the room, or simply put the extractor fan on.

By 0RedPenguin0 | 8

#5364824 - Tuesday 12 February 2013 11:41

The good news is that both rooms smell incredibly fresh :)

By wholikesbacon | 9

#5364825 - Tuesday 12 February 2013 11:42

Some people might think of that as a good thing. Surprisingly enough.

Reply

ddlovatolover | 23

#5364989 - Tuesday 12 February 2013 15:38

As far as I know, guys can't piss while having an erection, so FYL op, that must be truly terrible.

EDIT: This was meant to be posted as a comment, but I must have accidentally hit 'reply'.

Reply

ChibiChibi_fml | 27

#5365345 - Tuesday 12 February 2013 20:51

If men flat out couldn't piss with an erection there wouldn't be an entire sub-genre of porn that involved men pissing while screwing somebody. It's my understanding that pissing with an erection can be difficult but it is not impossible.

Reply

ericcrash | 13

#5365545 - Tuesday 12 February 2013 23:30

35. how else is a guy going to get rid of morning wood?

Reply

dbss11 | 3

#5365813 - Wednesday 13 February 2013 2:56

35
You just have to bend forward a bit and it'll work; It's not too hard.

Reply

TheElBurrrito | 21

#5368746 - Friday 15 February 2013 12:54

something's hard...

By anythingmustbe | 18

#5364828 - Tuesday 12 February 2013 11:43

What a shitty situa... *Headshot*

Reply

SoSickWithIt | 14

#5364833 - Tuesday 12 February 2013 11:49

I personally would've had the trigger pulled after "What a-".

By MrClean17 | 15

#5364829 - Tuesday 12 February 2013 11:45

If it really bothers you, it's only about three dollars for a new air freshener

Reply

botanistjessica | 24

#5365429 - Tuesday 12 February 2013 22:13

Listen to this guy. After all, he is Mr. Clean.

Reply

lovelyohhmee | 8

#5366401 - Wednesday 13 February 2013 14:57

$3.00 where do you get air fresheners from?

By buckdharma | 36

#5364836 - Tuesday 12 February 2013 11:52

Well, if you start jerking off in the shower, you won't be able to go out when it's raining.

Reply

asnakelovinbabe | 16

#5365169 - Tuesday 12 February 2013 18:00

I'm outside and it starts to rain and I JIZZ.... In, my pants.

By Token780 | 3

#5364838 - Tuesday 12 February 2013 11:54

Shut up

Reply

SillyGirl4602 | 23

#5364876 - Tuesday 12 February 2013 12:42

Who are you telling to shut up?

Reply

BunchieRules | 31

#5364963 - Tuesday 12 February 2013 14:55

It's possible 9 was replying to 5's horrible comment, and something went wrong on their end. I'm going to give him/her the benefit of the doubt, as I don't see why any commenter would directly address OP in that manner.

Reply

4dycegrl | 3

#5365379 - Tuesday 12 February 2013 21:16

why cant he say shut up?

Reply

Eluveitie | 9

#5365919 - Wednesday 13 February 2013 4:41

Shut up, 52.

By karlcolt45 | 19

#5364840 - Tuesday 12 February 2013 11:55

some people would find a middle man to cut out somewhere in there

Reply

TheElBurrrito | 21

#5368752 - Friday 15 February 2013 12:56

I'm gonna go out on a limb and say his penis would be the middle man in this situation. Not sure abut you, but I don't want to cut out my penis...

By dontpanic_fml | 32

#5364849 - Tuesday 12 February 2013 12:06

The powers of association are overactive in this one...